“Discord love are you ok, I know you're not happy with the failure of the plan same months back. but, love you have me and in the mind realm we can play, sing and dance, and I still love you so can you please smile again.” I said to Discord through our mind realm.
Discord looked at me with a frown but slowly turned into a smile. “ Oh all right but it is only because of you Puppet now come here so I can give you a kiss,” said Discord.
I smile and kiss him we have been in stone for 1000 years and at first few years I cried and cried not knowing who I was no name or family all I knew was of Puppet and marionette. But as time went on Discord was good to me and by year 6 he asks me to by his marefriend I was so happy that with my powers and His we ably to make the mind realm so we can see each other.
It made for a good time to by there and do all the thing like practicing my powers and dance and I love to be in my Discord's embrace it was the happiest of times. I remember the day my love broke free from his prison.
(Some month’s back)
“But before I leave I need to get my lovely Puppet out of her prison too.” Discord said as he snapped his talent but nothing happened Discord look and did it again and again but it did not work so I used are mind realm to say it was ok it is his time not mind and to go have fun for me and him.
I could see him holding back a tear in but he smiled and kisses me on the lips. Even if I said that I was lonely without him he did come back to see me three times and he even put in a small river in front of me to see the fish swimming throw.
But when I felt something powerful my link with my love comes back on with more power into it I know it had to by that he was in prison again.... But I was glad to felt his presence again.
(Present time)
I was in my lovely’s embrace even with all that magic outside and the barrier up but when it broke something I heard crying and screaming and a voice.
“We must save the children they are scared and alone save them,” said a calm voice.
“ What was that and how did it get into are mine realm.” Discord asked but I did not answer him all I now was that I had to save the children don’t know why but it hurt my soul and I had to go now.
With all my power I broke my prison with a loud scream.
“Discord love I don’t know what is going on but I need to go something hurt and I now it has something to do with that voice I will be back for you my love.” I said as I hugged the stone form of my lovely.
“Oh don’t be like that Puppet I now you will be back soon and bring me back same candy wall you're out.” his said to me and I hugged and kiss him.
Off I went and what I found was sad ponies and bug-ponies fighting and hurting each other but what I saw on the bug-ponies made me go from sad to mad I saw links like the one my love and I use, but instead of using it to chit chat it used to force them to fight the other ponies.
I would not have this I use some of the magic that Discord gave me, with my power I cut the link and put it into me, the link was my link alone.
“Stop this fighting now all of you!” I shouted out as the bug-ponies and the ponies all stopped and looked at me.
“You pony with the armor on what is going on here and why are you fighting with the children.” I said to a pony in golden armor.
“W-well Miss these changelings (so that what the are.) are invading our home and taking ponies away putting them into cocoons to leech out their love.” said the armored pony.
“Now you tell me why your link is forcing you to fight child and no lies.” I said to the changeling.
“W-well my Queen we were forced to do what Chrysalis said to do but whatever you did now free us from her and the hive link is now yours,” said a small female changeling.
I was going to say something but was interrupted by the guard pony.
“What you can talk and you're a mare!?” said the guard pony.
“Wall, of course, I can talk what did you think we were a mindless beast with no soul and didn’t care for others!” she yelled at him looking him in his eyes.
“I-I sorry it been a long day can you please forgive me.” The guard pony said with his head hang low the Changeling smile and nuzzled him.
“Ok I forgive you handsome,” she said with a wink to him in waste I saw him go bright red at that.
“Ok with that out of the way take me to the old Queen so I can cut the hive link from her and stop all this fighting now.” I said to the group of guards and changelings.
“W-wait we did not get your name.” said a guard in the far left.
I just smile and said. “It’s Marionette, but I like to be called Puppet.” with that we were off to find a Queen.
(Twilight’s View)
We failed we couldn’t get to the elements and now Shining barricade has fallen and the changeling are in the city Twilight said in her mind.
“We're sorry we don’t believe you Twilight we should have,” said Applejack next to me.
“Yea, me to and I’m supposed to be the element of loyalty, some loyal friend I am,” said Rainbow Dash hanging her head down.
“Nonsense Darling we all didn’t believe Twilight and now we all pay the price for that.” said Rarity who was confronting Fluttershy next to her.
“I know Girl’s but I should hav-” my sentence was interrupted as both guards and changelings came into the throne room and started to fight with the changeling in the room.
“Keep all the changeling off of Puppet let her cut the link and we will have more allies with other changelings.” said a female Changeling as she blasted a changeling coming for a guard.
I was going to say something but stop when I heard music and singing playing.
(Note: start video at half played.)
At the door was a creature almost all black with white strap on it arms and legs it had a black mane with a dress on but its face was white and with two red sources on it cheeks but her eye, I saw no eye but I could feel it looking around.
It started to dance around the room and as it was close to a changeling it claws came flying out and cutting something above their heads the changeling stopped but then turned around at started to fight with the other Guards and changeling.
But what came next shocked both the girl’s and me; it spoke.
“Fight my children, fight for your freedom and for all the Changelings that are enslaved to the queen!” the created yelled out as she cut more things out of the air and more changelings turned on the others changelings. The guard's held off a large group of changelings while the other changelings took to the air to help the few pegasus guards that were left.
“We made a path to the Queen go now miss Puppet we will hold them off go now.” said a pegasus guard attacking a changeling out of the air to the ground and let this puppet cut the air above him the changeling stop and the guard helped it up and it took to the air attacking the other changeling.
“Good help your guard's and changeling's out. Save the prisons as well I’m going to the Queen now.” she said as she moves fast through the crowd with speed and agility that would make Rainbow Dash proud.
The music stopped and a new one begin.
As the music and singing begin the changeling state to change no longer eyes of blue but black with a white center and with all their hooves with three white stripes on them.
“You think you can stop me monster? What can you do against me!” Crystal yelled out at miss Puppet.
But what came next scare all the ponies and changing out of their minds she roared out loud.
Tentacles came out of her back and she opened her mouth to show razor sharp teeth and the light slowly faded to black.
“Yes I can all, I need to do is cut you out of the hive mind or link and put it to me and all the changelings will follow me and fight you, and free my children soon to be.” Puppet said as she faded out and into the darkness.
“Show yourself, coward!” Chrysalis yelled out but then a tentacle came out and sent her flying into the wall and just as fast as it came it was gone.
Chrysalis shot out into the darkness but nothing more. A tentacle came out and hit her harder now two hit sent her up into the air but two more hit her back down to the ground.
“Is that all you have Chrysalis I was expecting more from the Queen of the changeling but I see it was all a show so let me show you what power is.” Puppet said coming out of the darkness and running at Crystals. Crystals shot out a magic blast but Puppet shot her tentacles out and crushed it and with her claws out she cut Crystals below her face drawing some green bleed out of her.
“You dare monster I will end you and all that define me!” Chrysalis yelled out as she shot out more magic blast out randomly now some going for some fillies that were hiding.
“NO, don’t!” I yell out as the girl’s looked to see and what we found was the CMC about to be hit by a magic blast they girl cried out but there was no time. The guards and changelings could do nothing but watch as it closed in on the CMC.
BOOW!
The girls were crying more so for Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow. I look as the smoke cleared out but what I saw was good for us but not for Chrysalis, Puppet had run past us and had shielded the girl’s with her body but now she looked mad and more tentacles came out of her back now.
“I was going to let you off with a few cut and browse but now I’m going to beat you within the inch of your life!” Puppet Yell Out as she runs out ay Crystals and what came next was the scariest thing I have seen.
Puppet was now hitting Crystals with all her tentacles even with Crystals shooting her it did nothing at all but make her rage increase that was not all Puppet did she cut Crystals all over her body and one time bite her on the wing almost taking it off.
“Wow she is really mad don’t you think Twilight?” Pinkie said from behind me.
“Mad ain't even the word for it. She is furious that is what she is,” said Applejack as she looks on to both Puppet and Crystals fighting.
“Well darling won't you be mad Crystals did almost hurt the girl’s I now I would if something happens to Sweetie what of you and Applebloom or Scootaloo and Rainbow.” Rarity said as she looked to Rainbow for a response but got none.
The girls’ and I looked to Rainbow to find she was crying and hiding it with her wing but we saw the panel under her.
“Y-ya i-it’s g-good the girls are ok *sniff*,” witRainbow said as she continued to cry.
I was going to say something but was stopped by the sound of something wet hitting the floor we all looked back to find Puppet on top of Crystals body with tears in her eye and bleed as well with one last cut Puppet cut something out in the air above Crystals. The sound of battle outside stopped and all was silent.
“All changeling come to the palace now help the wound and free all the prisoners you have now.” Puppet said as all of her tentacles came back to her and her mouth was back to normal.My friend and I were free the three big sisters in our group run to look after their little sister.
“Now can someone find the princess and her sister now that was a lot of work and I need to find some candy for my lovely as soon as possible.” Puppet said as she sits down and cut the spell that was on my brother.
“W-what is the wedding over are we married?” Shining ask to only has Cadence tackle him to the ground and kiss him all over his face.
“If you're having a wedding we need to clean up this place first,” said Puppet and she snapped her finger and all the mass was gone in an instant.
“W-What that you but that magic how can you do that the only being that can do that is Discord so how did you do it!” I said out loud with some of my mane flying out of place.
Puppet looked at me and smiled and what she said next made me, my friends and half the ponies here in the room faint.
“Because Discord is my coltfriend for the last 994 years in stone prison plus I do need to find him that candy I promised him.” Puppet said while blushing.With that, I passed out falling to the floor but not without hearing Puppet say."...Was it something I said."
Corrected version,
Hi, I am Puppet. I don't remember what my name was before I became Puppet. I do know I was a teenage girl in a magical music box one minute and getting hit by a magical rainbow beam the next!
I just needed to do that. Good Luck!
MORE!!!!
I like it but you should get an editer
excellent! brilliant! superb! more please!
This is pretty good but you have lots of errors, so if you want I'll be your editor. would be good practice for me. (kinda went ahead with that)
I notice a few common errors:
1- Should cap the 'c' in Chapter
2 - You typed 'well' as 'wall'
3 - You typed 'realm' as 'ralme'
There may have been a few others but... *meh*
Let's see what do we have here
great chapter, but you seriously need an editor
This was very entertaining but you. Need to find an editor.
I have to say, this story has great potential. There is only one thing that I think you need, dear author, to help this story unlock said potential...
PLEASE, FORE THE LOVE OF GOD, GET AN EDITOR!!!
This story is indeed wonderful. The main character being the marefriend of a current villain (extra points for said villain being Discord by the way), rescued everyone from "Chrystals", gained an army of shape-shifting followers after setting them free from mass mind control, and stopping the CMC from becoming "Cutie Mark Crusader Blood Smears". But during all of this badass-ery, I was laughing my ass off at the terrible grammar and spelling errors. Seriously, I was playing a game half way through the story, on trying to find a sentence with no spelling errors in it. I thought this sentence, in Pinkie's proverb no less, was going to win it.
But instead of "Pinkie" saying this to Twilight, it was her identical twin sister that came into existence to say this one line, Pinke (now that I think about it, this would make a great sub-plot in-and-of itself). I'm not trying to discredit you as an author or a story teller. I'm just trying to help you see were you need to improve your art and nurture it to, hopefully, make you a better author in the future.
Amazing chapter but seriously, grammar ocd killed it for me. In short seriously man get an editor.
Three words = GET AN EDITOR! still a pretty good fic thou..
6361836
That's also incorrect. She was not in the music box.
Hi. my name is Puppet. I don't know what my name was before coming here. I do know that I was a teen girl and was sent here after I bought black tentacles and a magic music box from a merchant. The next thing I know, I'm siting next to Discord and a rainbow hit us!
Still. Good story
Don't worry, we all make writing errors. Me more than you (if it makes you feel any better).
BTW, not a bad story. It was pretty good. And I'm not even a FNAF's fan. That's how good it was.
i like it but for the love of god get a beta or someone to read and correct your errors before posting. Seriously there are so many grammatical errors and wrong names used. Other than that the plotis okay for now if not a little fast paced.
I'm having to agree with everyone here you need a editor bad. I don't even play five nights at freddy's due to autistic qualities effecting my reaction time (my hands move slowly unless I'm typing) but when I learn enough of the lore I can write a effective fnaf fic. In fact I am currently writing one on my deviant art account so I'm going to leave a link to it. Learn from it on the spelling plus your story kinda leaves a bad mental image on the details of the story.
Marionette of shadows chapter one
Just don't rush in writing this and try and get a bit more details out into the story. Because frankly there is quite a mess in your writing style here.
I like the premise and I'm curious to see where this will go. I was going to mention a few problem i had with the chapter but the other comments already mention most of them, the most important being the grammar. It was a bit painful and even bit funny how confusing some of the paragraph were because of it. Hopefully you'll be able to fix this by the next chapter and i am sure some people are willing to help you in the editing. It's also good to see that, despite the bad grammar, you are already getting support from other people instead of them just making fun of you. Hope for mankind maybe?
Also, i like the songs you use here but whenever I think of the puppet I think of this song
...Wow im usually not that picky about grammar and I normally ignore it in favour of the story but this time I just can't do it . Seriously man there is at least one or two mistakes in every sentence. I tried I really did because this story have potential but now I only have a major headache .
This will be the first story where I abandon ship because of grammar issues, I am honestly suprised because this is a new low ground for me . That being said I hope you keep on writing as from this Point onwards the only direction the story can go in terms of grammar is up (unless you manage to break my expectations a secound time).
I wish you all the luck in the World friend..... you are going to need it .
Jesus christ a lot of people complain saying the same shit, seriusly stop saying it besides instead of complaining why not do the edit by yourself?
Uh you're missing the first sentence.
6368776 Thanks did not see that.
6368907 slightly better now but there are still a few mistakes in this.
It should be some and while in that sentence.
That should be taught.
Which for this one.
There are couple here. You forgot to put a 's at the end of shining's name for the bar academy and forgot to put the word changeling in plural.
We will all and comforting are the corrections for this sentence.
Stopped
Creature or being fits better here.
Switch this to 'yes I can, all' for that bit of the sentence makes it flow better for that.
Sending for this one.
Chrysilas should replace crystals otherwise I thought it was Sombra for this part.
Defy here.
Bruises and inch for this sentence.
This is all I could notice for this chapter.
Well, ain't this story is neat. Not a big FNAF fan myself, but that didn't stop me from enjoying it. As for everyone complaining about the grammar or what not, I think it adds a layer of delight to this tale. It's probably just me that thinks that though, so maybe I'm nuts for liking it as it is. Maybe with a 3rd editor you could bring it up to other people's standards and then you could have more of them enjoy this fantabulous fable!
6376878 i just like storys that look like a pro writed it but i dont realy care about grammer so yeah... just a comment
ugh the grammer the grammer.
6389365 Ikr? it took me hour to even make it acceptable...but it's still hard...
It took me a long time to get past all of the spelling mistakes and everything else in this chapter. YOU NEED AN EDITOR XD
Wow... grammer
i find this hard to read... fix?
Please, get an Editor.
A little rushed, even though it is quite cute. But let's be honest. She and the Changelings get a lot of trust, which really seems strange and rushed. Maybe she could use magic to soothe them, so that the guard listens to her? That way it would make more sense. Just an idea.
I´m confused, maybe I had read to fast, but I´m pretty sure a moment before, it looked like Discord was free, but suddenly it is only Puppet.
Not sure if it is really important for me, but I´m not sure if I could react like that, if I hated someone a moment before.
I think you need an editor/ proofreader, either that, or you have Queen Chrysalis, and Queen Crystal in your story.
had you changed the POV again? I think you probably should refer to her as the creature, or something like that, since Twilight still didn´t knew her name, that is if this was Twilights POV.
I don´t know how much she knows Canterlot already, but somehow it feels strange for me to see how much she knows, probably since I don´t know what she really knows.
6451342
Well yes I believe I said it already, but I agree with him, now sure how to say it, but even if it was something nice, it can´t really happen that fast.
The story idea seems to be nice, I think I like it.
edit: I think I´m going to read your other storys too, they look interessting, and I try to mention some mistakes if you want, but only stuff that is important for me I guess.
6515146
she/he just really needs an editor
6964494 yeah, I agree, golden dawn, I think you really need to go over this again, or get an editor.
6964494
Gotta admit I like the actual concept though.
Sidenote..I've read worse, I have a friend on another site who basically can barely speak English and has in recent years been losing muscle control, and I can confirm this just needs an editor a lil.