The Meeting
Mr. Grimm looked at the computer screen as he pulled up Fim Fiction.
“Let’s see what’s new today,” he thought as he read the new list of stories. “Hm…Alternate-War-Future…Human in Equestria…another Human in Equestria…Shipping…More shipping…Grimdark…Tyrannical Celestia…” He fell back in his chair and sighed. He was feeling particularly depressed as he had developed a severe case of writer’s block. He had gotten depressed because he couldn’t write, and because he couldn’t write, he had gotten depressed. He had tried to find some comedy on Fim Fiction to cheer himself up, but there seemed to be a profound lack of comedy in relation to drama. This, in addition to outside sources of stress, contributed to the sudden and rather chilling smile that appeared on his face. It became quite clear to him what he had to do. It was so brilliant, so logical, he thought himself an idiot for not thinking of it sooner. If he couldn’t find a comedy…He’d make a crack-fic! Mr. Grimm suddenly leapt from his chair and began singing a parody of a song from a computer game he’d never played in his life.
These fanfic tales are much too clean,
So dull and dry, a lifeless dream!
I’ll brew one odd, I’ll craft it strange,
I’ll make it weird and quite deranged!
This site’s full up of somber tales,
Their seriousness never fails,
To make me puke, to lose my wits,
To rot my teeth, and give me fits!
This one’s random, tweaked and daft,
Absurd from start to ending!
Gallows humor makes me laugh,
Though some find it offending!
I’m here to paint a tale of pun,
To drive you mad, bring back the fun!
You’re in for luck! You’ll be dumbstruck!
My humble goal is to run amuck!
Lightning streaked across the sky like skeletal claws outside of the dark, forbidding castle as the rains pelted the ancient roof. Thunder rolled out across the secluded valley, echoing out for all to hear, even within the castle’s deepest, darkest confines. It was here that a menagerie of villainy had flocked together.
“Gentlecolts…BEHOLD!” boomed a pony in jet-black armor as he held out a hoof clad in a spiked gauntlet, “I have summoned you all to my lair! MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!” He looked about the long table with his manic red eyes. All in attendance were giving him a look that would seem like typical response of such a statement. A large, draconic chimera raised one of his fluffy eyebrows.
“Look,” he said, “I really appreciate you getting me out of my imprisonment, but are the restraints really necessary?” He held out a pair of mismatched claws, one leonine, the other avian, both bound together by an ominously glowing Chinese finger trap. A deriding giggle echoed out through the air.
“What was that you said about fingers being superior to hooves, Discord?” snickered Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings. The other equines, save for the armored pony, joined her in her mirth. Discord shot her a displeased frown from across the table.
“Bah,” sneered Ahuitzotl, “You horses know nothing of which you speak. For I, Ahuitzotl, have a girlfriend, and she thinks that fingers are the most beautiful things in the world!”
“How’d you ever get a girlfriend?” snorted Gilda, “You’re like an even uglier diamond dog.” Fido and his companions, being diamond dogs and therefore taking reasonable offense at this comment, gave her a glowering glare.
“With these!” exclaimed Ahuitzotl as he held all three of his hands aloft, “With these glorious fingers that my dear Lyra adores so!” Everyone at the table, even Chrysalis, had to admit that they were truly marvelous fingers.
“Your fingers aren’t as glorious as I, the Great and Powerful Trixie!” cried the insufferably self-absorbed unicorn, who refused to be shown up by Ahuitzotl’s magnificent dexterity.
“Who dares insult my fingers?” roared Ahuitzotl. Everyone looked up as they noticed a light shower of snow falling from the ceiling.
“Would you cut it out?!” snarled Chrysalis. The three Windigos circling the cast iron chandelier froze in mid-flight, and looked very sheepish as they returned to their chairs.
“SILENCE!” bellowed the armored pony whom most readers have probably forgotten about by now, “Or I shall use the powers of science to throw all of you into a brick wall at a sufficient velocity to smash you to atoms!” Though none of the gathered villains had any clue who this pony was, they all quieted down and looked at him. He sounded entirely serious, and, to be honest, completely insane. Only one creature dared to look at him with a cynical air. All eyes moved to look at a tall, black Alicorn with piercing blue eyes sitting near the far end of the table.
“And just who are you?” she asked. The metal-clad equine at the head of the table suddenly held out his arms, and along with them came a mechanized pair of steel bat wings.
“I am WAR HORSE,” he thundered, “The world’s greatest arcane artist, and master of SCIENCE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Once again, everyone gave him a somber look.
“Dude,” muttered Gilda, “Are you…okay?”
War Horse suddenly sent a bolt of dark energy into the wall, causing a massive explosion. This was not meant to intimidate Gilda as it was not aimed anywhere near the gryphon, but was done because War Horse had forgotten what would happen if he sent a bolt of energy into his wall and desired to refresh his memory.
“Alright, alright,” Discord sighed impatiently, “What do you want with us?”
“Do not ask what you can do for me,” replied the armored mad-colt as he struck a dramatic pose, “But ask what I can do for you!”
“Which is…?” asked Nightmare Moon.
“THIS!” War Horse suddenly leapt up on the table and galloped over to the skeptic. Though she was quite powerful and could hold her own in a fight, Nightmare Moon was a little put off that somepony was actually crazy enough to charge her. But just as the mad-stallion’s horn was about to impale her skull, the being froze and turned to the mustachioed stallion that sat to her left. War Horse suddenly made an aerosol can materialize in the air before him.
“Take this and spray her in the eyes, because that’s how it happened to me!” Flam looked at the manic pony before him, then over at his equally nervous brother, Flim. Then he looked over at the intimidating Nightmare Moon, who looked back at him with a ‘If-you-even-try-that-I’ll-eviscerate-you’ scowl. Flam gulped. However, he didn’t need to worry as War Horse suddenly forgot what he was doing on the table. He noticed the floating aerosol can before him. Recalling fond memories of aerosol cans, the stallion began to empty it by spraying himself in the eyes.
“Yes…YES! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Needless to say, the numerous beings in the room were a little perturbed by this. In the midst of the awkward silence that followed this event, Discord, the spirit of chaos and disharmony, decided to try and regain some of whatever composure the meeting had to start with.
“Well,” said the Draconequus, “Thank you for that brilliant offer, Mr. War Horse, but I think it would be best if we got down to business.”
“Did somepony say business?” came Flim’s voice, “Well, let me tell you my chimerical friend, my brother and I are well educated on the subject of business!”
“Yes indeed,” added Flam, “We’re traveling sales-ponies nonpareil.”
“And we just can’t help but notice” said Flim, “That this castle has got a mighty fine collection of doodads.”
“Mighty fine,” quipped Flam, “But there’s one thing that it hasn’t got.”
“A super-soapy-soaking-scrub-brush 6000!” proclaimed Flim as he held out what looked like a mechanized toilet brush in his hoof.
“Awesome!” said Garble, as he marveled at the futuristic appearance of the strange device. It was very shiny, and needless to say the dragon was entranced by it.
“And each of you will get a free trial for five bits--” Flim was suddenly cut off by Nightmare Moon, who, being an ancient entity bent on the illogical task of eliminating the sun, did not approve of modern-day consumerism.
“Quit trying to sell us your foolish garbage!” sneered the Alicorn.
“Garbage?” Flam coughed incredulously, “My dear, this is not garbage!”
“Quite the contrary,” added Flim, “This is state-of-the-art, top-of-the-line, modern technology!” Nightmare Moon’s mouth fell open in shock, as no one had ever dared to contradict her before. She grew quite angry at this, but at the same time, was beginning to wonder if she had lost her intimidating edge as a total of three mere mortal ponies had stood up to her today.
“A toilet brush? Really?” Trixie asked as she raised a mocking eyebrow at the twins, “Have you finally run out of ideas to steal?”
“At least we’re not a sorry stuck-up has-been of a windbag like you,” snapped Flam. Trixie looked extremely indignant as her face turned an interesting shade of scarlet.
“How dare you!” she shrieked, “The Great and Powerful Trixie is not…not…”
“A sorry stuck-up has-been of a windbag?” Flam repeated with a smile.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie is not a windbag!” screamed the disgruntled unicorn, “She is the most brilliant, most talented, most amazing pony there is!”
“Not as brilliant as my fingers!” cried Ahuitzotl as he held his hands in the air again.
“Shut up!” snarled Trixie. Before the argument could continue, however, everyone noticed once again that it was snowing. The Windigos paused in their circling as everyone shot them a stony glare, then once more returned to their seats.
“Alright, alright,” said Discord as he tried to face-palm, but his attempt was thwarted by the Chinese finger trap that bound him, “Now then, Mr. War Horse, why have you gathered us here?” War Horse, who at this point had completely emptied the aerosol can into his eyes, looked back at the Draconequus with a manic grin.
“My brilliant plan,” he thundered as he trotted back to his seat, “Is to overthrow Celestia and Luna!” Discord, Chrysalis, and Nightmare Moon all grew joyously evil smiles. The other members of the party gave a take-it-or-leave-it kind of look, as they had no real interest in usurping the princess, but were more or less interesting in profit. They all knew that the glory of a war between good and evil lay not in the battle--but to those who capitalized on the remarkable business opportunities that arose from such occasions.
“And how do you propose we do this, Mr. War Horse?” inquired Queen Chrysalis as she rested her head on her hooves.
“For generations,” War Horse began, “We have lived in fear of the powers of the Cosmic Kingdom…” He paused for dramatic effect. “I have obtained funds to solve this celestial nightmare.”
“Yes,” Discord added giddily, “Please continue.”
“Using my knowledge of science and magic, I have discovered a way to neutralize this threat…We shall end it by…” Discord, Chrysalis, and Nightmare Moon sat on the edge of their seats as they waited for a reply. “Throwing the world’s largest tea party!” finished War Horse, “Thereby luring all of the Princess’s aristocratic socialite friends to our party, thus claming victory over them! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” The room suddenly became very quiet. For a moment War Horse’s audience wondered if they had heard him right. Upon realizing that they had, there was an equal divide between those that looked furious and those that burst out laughing.
“Are you serious?!” screamed Nightmare Moon, “A tea party? Is that what I was dragged her for? That has to be the most idiotic idea I’ve ever heard!”
“Not quite,” snickered Chrysalis, “A certain Draconequus had one that was even more idiotic.” Discord whirled around to give the Changeling a glare, but her comment had already sparked a flashback.
Discord lay in a crumpled heap before the two Alicorn sisters, each one bearing three glowing jewels in their armor. The Draconequus knew he was beaten…but he still had one more trick up his metaphorical sleeve.
“Discord,” began Celestia as she and her sisters touched down to the earth, “Your tyrannical reign is at an end.” The gems in her armor began to glow.
“Wait!” cried Discord as he waved his claws in the air, “Can’t I have one last heartfelt plea?” This unusual request was most out of character for him, and was enough of a shock to cause the sisters pause in their attack.
“Um…should we let him do that?” Luna asked innocently. Before Celestia could say no, The Draconequus struck a jaunty pose; his lion paw across his chest and his eagle claw thrust up in the air.
“Yaaaa, ya, ya, yaaaaaa, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya!” he sang, “Trolololo, lololo, lololo, oooooh! Trolololo, lololo, lololo, OOOOHHHHHH!” Both Luna and Celestia stared at their nemesis as he sang what is possibly the most amusingly bizarre song in the multiverse. He went on like this for quite some time, before Celestia gave him a cynical glare.
“Alright. Battle’s over.” She and her sister suddenly blasted Discord with the Elements of Harmony, encasing him in stone. But nopony, even Discord himself, knew that the weirdly catchy tune had wormed its way into Luna’s brain. For a decade afterward she would hear nothing but that song, until it began to drive her mad. This madness, which was also composed of latent envy for her sister, eventually became a separate entity that ended up taking over Luna’s body and made an attempt to bring eternal night to Equestria.
Discord snapped out of the flashback, which, due to the chaotic nature of his power had manifested itself in the form of an old movie projector and thereby allowing everyone to see it. Nightmare Moon felt very strange upon hearing the bizarre song that unbeknownst to her was the cause of her existence, but shrugged it off as indigestion. The entire flashback incident had mellowed everyone’s emotion upon hearing War Horse’s plan for the biggest tea party in the world.
“Um…Mr. Discord,” asked Fido, “Why did you sing that song?”
“Well,” Discord said as he nervously scratched the back of his neck with his wing, “There’s a perfectly sound explanation for that, but it’s much to complicated for any of you to understand.” The actual reason was that Discord, reasoning that he was utterly and totally screwed, decided to have one last go at trolling the princesses before he was sent into oblivion. He was relieved to find that he was not dead, but was at the same time mortified that his body was stuck in a ridiculous pose for well over a thousand years.
“That song…” Everyone looked over to see War Horse gazing at Discord. His red eyes were wide in amazement. “I…I know what to do…” An evil grin suddenly spread over his face. “I HAVE A NEW PLAN!” he thundered, “ONE THAT WILL SHAKE THE HEAVENS WITH ITS BRILLIANCE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Stats
Page generated in 0.025 seconds
Total duration
846 users online
710,818 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
myfacewhen.com/images/142.jpg
MERMAID MAN AND BARNICLE BOY UNITE!
A Musical you say? You've gained my attention.
...
....
I am not sure what crazyness will come of this, but I shall keep my eye on it.
Continue my good author. This read proves quite funny and enjoyable!
Bad Horse!
Musical!
DR HORRIBLE IS HERE!
Well, this certainly was a really interesting read. I'll definitely be following it. However, it's just a bit rough around the edges, and it's mainly caused by one problem. Here goes...
The main issue is how you separate dialogue and actions from between characters. For example:
--------
“Dude,” muttered Gilda, “Are you…okay?” War Horse suddenly sent a bolt of dark energy into the wall, causing a massive explosion.
--------
The proper action would be to separate Gilda's dialogue and War Horse's action with a paragraph break. It would look like so:
--------
“Dude,” muttered Gilda, “Are you…okay?”
War Horse suddenly sent a bolt of dark energy into the wall, causing a massive explosion.
--------
As you may be able to tell, both flow and impact are assisted by this one change. It works even better with the rest of the paragraph there.
Of course, this also applies to pretty much every other situation in the story, even when it's the group of villains' reactions to War Horse.
Fix that, and the story will read much better. Great job! This is certainly an entertaining story, so keep up the great work!
scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4878-d99.gif
Whatmakes this great is I can SEE this happening!
oh my celestia, this is the best thing i have seen on here yet
When Discord was singing his song I literally had to stop Because I was laughing to hard.