• Published 15th Jun 2015
  • 2,046 Views, 114 Comments

Anypony for Doomsday? - PhycoKrusk



The world is about to end, and assuming there are no technical issues, it's all Princess Twilight's fault.

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Phase 3

It was a beautiful, sunny day in Ponyville that Spike the Dragon blah blah blah.

“I hate everything,” Spike groused as he… he didn’t even know what he was doing anymore. Probably making lunch for Twilight, who had very obviously finally had a total psychotic break and sealed off the mirror portal. Before enchanting the doors and windows so that Spike couldn’t open them unless somepony wanted to be let in or out. Joy.

~Friend-ship~ chimed the doorbell, still seeming out of place in the Friendship Rainbow Kingdom Castle, which is seriously just an awful name.

“Oh boy,” Spike deadpanned. “I wonder who that could be.”

~Friend-ship~

“I heard you the first time!” Spike shouted as he stomped into the foyer. Finally, he reached the door, and pulled it opened to tell whom he was certain would be his least favorite pony that day to hit the road.

“Greetings, maybe-sibling!” said a happily smiling Shining Armor.

“Oh, Shining Armor. What a pleasant surprise. Won’t you come in?” Spike replied, his voice never changing from that of a drake that had no fight left in him.

“Uh, sure. Thanks,” Shining said uncertainly as he stepped inside. “So, decided to stay inside and help Twilight with her doomsday device, huh? You really are number one!”

“Yeah. Decided,” said Spike. “That’s what I did.” He started to close the door, but stopped halfway through, eyes widening. “Say, Shining? How long ago did you get to Ponyville?”

“Just a few minutes. Why?” Shining replied.

“Oh, just wondering if you had time to get something to eat or drink since you got here. Can I get you anything?” Spike’s smile showed just a few too many teeth.

“Oh, I guess a sandwich and some water would be fine. Could you bring it to the library when it’s ready?” said Shining.

“Sure thing!”

“Thanks, Spike!”

His order placed, Shining Armor made his way through the castle to the library, not getting lost even once along the way, which was a marked improvement over the last time he’d visited and been lost for more than an hour, somehow ending up back in the same bedroom six times in a row (probably; he swore the door was always on a different wall, even if the rest of the room looked exactly the same). Standing before the library doors, he took a moment to straighten his mane and put on his best Big Brother to the Rescue smile before opening the doors and stepping inside.

“Twily! How’s work on your oh my.” He stopped smiling.

Piles and stacks and towers of books, papers and parchment were everywhere.

“Oh dear. Oh my.”

Everywhere.

“Twilight?” Shining called out, but not too loudly for fear of triggering an avalanche. “Are you in here?”

He was certain that the room chilled a few degrees in an instant. A radiant, purple glow covered everything he could see and neatly shoved it all aside, nothing toppling or falling out of place. And there stood Twilight, eyes wide and looking like she’d lost a few screws too many. She approached him without seeming to move, and it was with widening eyes that Shining was certain he saw the distance between them simply contracting until her nose was pressed right against his.

“What are you doing here?” Twilight demanded a bit more unstably than normal. “How did you get in here? Where’s Spike?” Her horn flashed briefly. “He’s goooooone! I have no idea what I’m doing and I need my assistant and you let him —” She was interrupted by a sudden cognitive recalibration, caused by Shining recalibrating his hoof upside her head. “Ow!”

“Twilight!” Rougher than was strictly necessary, Shining grabbed Twilight’s head with his hooves and forced her to look him in the eyes. “Get! A grip!” With her focus now corrected, he released her and took a step back. “This is Spike we’re talking about. He’s going to be at Rarity’s.”


Elsewhere in Ponyville, Spike madly dashed across the train platform, leaping aboard the Crystal Express as it pulled away.


“Well, I guess you have a point,” Twilight conceded as she calmed down. That was, of course, all that she conceded before promptly flying back into a panic. “But we still haven’t solved the issue of I have no idea what I’m doing! I don’t know how to build a doomsday device! I don’t even know where to start! I don’t even know how to destroy the world!”

“And that’s fine, Twily!” Before things could escalate, Shining swung an arm around Twilight and squeezed her just tightly enough to cause discomfort. It snapped her out of her burgeoning panic, if nothing else. “You just need some inspiration, and the fact is you probably won’t find it in here.” He took a moment to spare a glance at the library again. The haphazardly scattered books in various states of being read, the jumbled sheafs of parchment and paper, the broken quills, the ink stains… the carbon scoring? “Make that ‘definitely.’ You definitely won’t find it in here.”

“Well, where am I supposed to find it then? If books can’t inspire me, then what can?” Twilight whined.

“The common pony, of course!” Shining exclaimed, pumping his hoof in the air.

Twilight was unconvinced. “I don’t follow,” she said.

“It’s simple, Twily. You see, you need inspiration, and the easiest way to get inspiration for a doomsday device is to find something that really irritates you, and few things are as irritating as a large gathering of the common pony,” Shining explained. He withdrew his arm from ‘round Twilight’s withers and set his hooves back on the floor. “What I’m saying is we’re going to Manehattan, which has the largest population of the common pony in Equestria. Also, they have a pretty happening street food scene, and I’m pretty sure I’m not getting that sandwich I was promised.”

“Oh. Well, ok. I guess that makes sense,” Twilight said with a frown. A moment later, the frown was gone. “I’ve been meaning to go back to Manehattan anyway, so why not now?” She smiled. “Yes, this is perfect! I get to go back to Manehattan, and get inspiration for my doomsday device, and get to spend time with my BBBFF! Yes, this is perfect! Let me just pack really quick and we’ll catch the train.”

“We’re here,” replied Shining.

What?” Twilight spun around, eyes wide. Sure enough, they were no longer in the library of the Friendship Never-Being-Named-Again-In-This-Story Castle, but were inside of Grand Central Station. Which was in Manehattan. The same Manehattan that was almost on the other end of Equestria. Getting there would have taken hours, assuming they’d taken an express train. “When? How?”

“It was probably an editing mistake,” Shining suggested. The multitude of ponies around them would have probably agreed if they weren’t making a concentrated effort to avoid involvement with what was obviously some kind of domestic dispute. ‘Let somepony else handle it’ was the Manehattan way, a fact which explained more than a few things about the city.

Twilight looked Shining squarely in the eyes for a moment, and then scrunched up her face with disapproval. “An editing mistake, Shiny?” she asked. “I’m not a little filly, you know. Even if ‘editing mistakes’ were an actual thing and not something you made up to explain why my pudding cups kept ending up empty in your waste basket, I really don’t think that would explain why it feels like something is just… missing….” As Twilight trailed off, a terrible thought occurred to her.

“Shiny, did…” Twilight began, unwilling to finish her thought for a moment. “Did you build a doomsday device?”

“Ever, or recently?” Shining asked.

“Why would you even need to ask that?!” Twilight shouted, stomping her hoof.

“Twily, I’m a unicorn. It’s what we do,” Shining replied. “Look, I admit I built a doomsday device on the way to Ponyville, but it was just a small one! Just enough to eject Sombra from the time stream so we wouldn’t have to deal with his nonsense anymore.” He did not notice Twilight staring at him, mouth agape with shock that her BBBFF would even consider something so violent sounding. “Or it was supposed to, but I messed something up, so instead it brought us from Ponyville to Manehattan the same way it got me from the Empire to Ponyville. By skipping all the stuff in the middle nopony really wants to hear about. And then I think it ejected itself from the time stream. Oh well. Easy come, easy go, am I right?”

Twilight gaped for a few moments more. “You casually built a doomsday device with the sole intention of erasing another pony from existence, and when it backfires and vanishes, all you have to say is ‘easy come, easy go?’”

Shining quirked his brow. “Is this a trick question?”

Twilight stared at him. “You know what? I don’t even care anymore,” she finally said, turning and heading towards the terminal’s exit. “Let’s just go meet the common pony.”

You go meet the common pony. I’m getting lunch,” replied Shining.

Twilight was not pleased about this. “You said you’d help me!” she protested.

“And I will. After lunch.”

“But —”

“Can’t hear you! Too hungry! Bye bye!”

Twilight watched in shocked as he happily trotted away. “Well, fine! Be that way, Big Brother Jerk Face Forever. I’ll see the common pony by myself,” she said with a huff. She left the station, making a point of using a different exit than Shining did. The street outside was filled with what she was sure was the common pony. It was almost exactly like her last visit; everypony was in a hurry to get somewhere, and none of them had any idea how to cross a street. That probably wasn’t much of a qualifier for being the common pony, though; nopony in Canterlot knew how to cross a street either, and she wasn’t sure anypony in Ponyville did either, skating by only because there were no carriages moving around regularly. A racial deficit? Investigate later.

Brushing the thought aside, she worked her way out into the crowd. Several seconds later, she all but tumbled out of it at the end of the street, dizzy. How these ponies ever got anywhere was a mystery, but a mystery to be answered another time. Luckily, she had all but tumbled out right next to what she knew — based on very limited hearsay — was a congregating place for the common pony: A newsstand. And how lucky for her, there was the common pony standing right there, deciding on a magazine to buy. He was an earth pony stallion too unremarkable to bother trying to describe, and he was perfect. “Excuse me, sir?” she began, getting his attention. “My name is Twilight Sparkle —”

“Find another bag, lady!” the stallion snapped before storming off, leaving Twilight standing there completely confused.

“What?” she asked nopony. She took in a deep breath, centered herself, and then added, “What?”

“He means he don’t like strange mares hanging around his business,” said the proprietor of the newsstand, another earth pony stallion likewise too unremarkable to bother trying to describe beyond his abrasive personality, which was quite abrasive. “Neither do I, actually. Scram.”

Twilight stared at him uncomprehendingly for a few moments. “I’m not a ‘strange mare,’ I’m Twilight Sparkle!” she replied curtly.

The stallion glared at her flatly.

Twilight stared at him perplexedly for a few moments. “Princess Twilight Sparkle,” she clarified.

The stallion glared at her flatly.

Twilight stared at him disbelievingly for a few moments. “I-I was coronated not that long ago! There were reporters everywhere! There were articles! In newspapers! That Princess Twilight Sparkle!”

The stallion glared at her flat —

Read something!” Twilight could feel herself sliding down the rain-slick precipice of madness. “Here look!” The topmost edition was heft up in her magic and unfolded so the stallion could see. “I am right here on the front page of this paper,” she explained, pointing out the helpful headline ‘TWILIGHT PRINCESS TO DESTROY WORLD.’ There was even a photo of her right below the headline. “I am literally front page news. I haven’t done anything yet, but I’m still front page news, somehow!”

“Gimme a break, lady! The mare in that picture’s an alicorn. You’re just a dumb pegacorn that’s driving my business away!” the vendor explained.

“There is no such thing as pegacorns!”

The newspaper exploded like a confetti bomb.

“That’s it!” Twilight screamed. Her mane was in disarray, hairs pointing this way and that as it often did during one of her manic episodes. The snarling grimace on her face, however, was anything but manic. “Everypony dies!” Without another word, she vanished in a burst of light.

Only a short distance away, Shining Armor was just about to receive the second portion of his lunch when he was suddenly hefted into the air by his sister’s magic and dragged away from the cart while she stormed away from it. “Twilight, wait! Stop!” he exclaimed, uselessly flailing his hooves towards the Saddle Arabian vendor who was at a complete loss to explain what had just happened. “My falafel!” An instant later, he fell to the ground with a thud.

“You want your stupid falafel? Fine!” Twilight shouted as she halted suddenly. She whirled around to glare at Shining, absolutely incensed. “Go and get your stupid falafel! I’m leaving!”

“W-what?” Shining stammered as Twilight turned around and resumed storming away. He scrambled up to his hooves to chase after all. “What do you mean ‘leaving?’ What about the common pony?”

Twilight was only incensed further. “Forget the common pony!” She shouted. “The common pony can't be helped! The common pony is an idiot! You saw, Shiny! —” In fact, he hadn’t, being focused on lunch — “You saw how casually they stampeded over friendship, and this isn't the first time, either! They don’t even know who their own princess is! I engaged Tirek in massive, landscape altering combat and saved Equestria again, but they don’t know enough to identify me! Me! Meeeeee! I’m through with the common pony! The common pony dies! Everypony dies!”

As Twilight raved, a knowing smile spread across Shining's face. “But Twily, how are we going to do that? Aren't there a lot of ponies in the world?” he asked with feigned naivety.

“Not for long!” Twilight shouted as more of her mane snapped in time with the snapping of her apparently tenuous grip on sanity. “I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner, with all those negative thoughts floating around me. If changelings get power from love, why can't other emotions give power? Why not drown everything in irony by tapping the energy of all that negativity? Oh, yes.” She rubbed her hooves together, grinning like a mare possessed. “Doomsday is coming, and I know just how to get it started!”

Her magical laughter devolved instantly into a coughing fit.

“That’s fine, Twily,” said Shining as he rubbed her back. “Maybe you can practice on the train or something. I’m sure the other passengers totally won’t mind.”

They totally did.

Author's Note:

Guys, let's be honest with ourselves.

First, "Friendship Rainbow Kingdom Castle" is the actual, for-serious name for Twilight's crib, and I really don't know what combination of drugs over what period of time were necessary to make that seem like it was any good.

Second, we all saw "Rarity Takes Manehattan." The common pony is either criminally negligent when it comes to news, or criminally stupid when it comes to anything. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle, but don't expect that to make it hurt any less.