Chapter 5
Chapter 5
___________________________________________________________
“We won, Mommy! We won!” Dinky cheers as she bounces into the house wearing a blue first place ribbon, Sparkler following behind, a smile on her face.
“That’s wonderful, muffin,” I say, taking her in my forehooves and holding her close.
She giggles, nuzzling against my fur.
I look up at Sparkler as she closes the door. “Sorry I couldn’t be there. Coming back from that delivery to Baltimare took far longer than I thought.”
Sparkler just smiles. “Mom, we understand.” She then frowns, as if having only just noticed something. “Mom? What’s with your wing?”
I wince. I’d honestly hoped she wouldn’t notice.
I look away, not meeting her eyes. “Well... some of the Baltimare weather ponies thought it’d be funny to make a really strong wind. I didn’t expect it, so it blew me off course and...” my voice trailed off.
“Mom,” Sparkler says, her tone firm. “What. Happened?”
I extend my right wing, revealing the missing feathers from it. “I fell near a pony who was using a chainsaw. He didn’t get my whole wing... but a few of my feathers got damaged and I had to remove them, so I couldn’t fly back and had to take the train. I preened them out while riding. I probably won’t be flying until they grow back.”
Her frown deepens. “Mom, you’ve flown with less damage before. Tell me the truth.”
By now Dinky’s noticed our moods as is looking at me with worry. “Mommy?”
I sigh, looking back at Sparkler, revealing my tired eyes.
“Damn it!” Sparkler slams her hoof against the floor.
“Language, young filly,” I scold, moving my wings over Dinky’s ears. “Your little sister’s here.”
“I don’t care!” Sparkler paces back and forth, fuming. “Mom, you work so hard that you’re almost always exhausted. Everypony keeps making fun of you, saying you’re such a klutz, but that’s only because you keep pushing yourself so hard you struggle to fly and stay conscious at the same time!”
I look firmly at her, but still smile. “I have to, honey. If I don’t, I can’t provide for you both. If it costs me everything, I’ll make sure you two are happy—”
“Even if that cost is your life?!” Sparkler glares at me, then stomps a hoof again. “Because, at this rate, that’s what’s going to happen. You work yourself much harder and I’m scared you’ll just drop. It’s not fair, Mom! You’re one of the kindest, hardest working ponies I know, yet everypony acts like you don’t work that hard at all and just bumble around.”
I pull away from Dinky and walk towards my eldest daughter.
“Why does it have to be this way!? Why can’t somepony see how much you do? Why can’t—?”
She’s stops when I pull her into a wing her, wrapping my forelegs around her neck.
“I do it because I love you both so much,” I say, keeping my eyes closed. “I’ll never stop loving you and that’s why I keep going.”
“But... it’s not... fair...” Sparkler stutters, her anger fading away in the warmth of my hug. “You—” she returns my hug, wrapping her forelegs around my neck. “You work so hard! And I barely earn anything from my day job. I... Mom!”
She sobs as she holds onto me. I just hold her, gently stroking her mane. “It’ll be alright, honey,” I murmur to her. “It’ll be alright. You’ll see.”
___________________________________________________________
I open my eyes. “Everything will be alright... Spark... ler...?”
I look around, frowning. Where are those two fillies? Why am I lying on this bed...?
I shake my head and sigh, remembering. Frankly, I’m starting to really worry.
After we’d been able to calm down a bit from the changes, I’d started thinking about the long run. How could I stay with Kelly when I’m a pony? What if the government find out about me? Will I be taken to some laboratory we’re they’ll keep me as they try to find a cure?
Or worse. What if they don’t believe I used to be human and keep me locked up for experiments and study? I’d never see any of my family again.
On top of that I was worried about Derpy's memories. I seemed to be remembering a lot of her life, only forgetting small piece of each dream-memory I got. This worried me because Party was having nowhere near that kind of luck. He could barely hold on to scraps of his memories from his dreams. Why was I remembering stuff, yet he wasn't?
Was it because I was turning into a more well-known character? If so, that would be so unfair. However, something in my gut told me that wasn't the case. But, if not that, then what? Why was Discord's spell allowing me to rmeember Derpy's past more so than it was letting Ash remembering Party's?
“Derpy!”
The panicked, whispered voice from the doorway makes me look up from my bed, I’d fallen asleep earlier during my musings.
I look blearily at the unicorn standing in the doorway before he hurries in, closing the door behind him. “What?” I ask, rubbing my eyes.
“Shh!”
I frown, getting up and walking over to the door, where he’s still standing, leaning his head against it.
“What’s going on?” I whisper, guessing I needed to be quiet for whatever reason.
“The CDC are here!”
Those words make my blood run cold and my eyes widen. I hurry forward and lean my ear against the door, listening to the conversation being had down below.
“...are advising everyone, if you see anyone suffering these afflictions to call the CDC at once,” a male’s voice said, sounding official. “Are you certain you haven’t seen anyone exhibiting... strange symptoms? Nothing at all.”
“No,” Jenny’s voice says, sounding firm, but I can just tell from her voice that she’s terrified. You’d need to have known her as long I had to be able to hear it.
There was silence for a moment before the first voice spoke again. “Very well, and it’s only your family here, just you, your husband and children and your sister-in-law, no one else?”
“Correct,” Kelly’s voice replies. “Is that all, sirs?”
There’s a shuffling, followed by the first voice saying, “Have a pleasant day, ladies,” before the door closed.
Party and I stood at the door for several long minutes, our ears pressed against the wood as we listened to the sound of an engine before it faded away.
Once we were sure the coast was clear, Party opened the door with his magic and we hurried downstairs. Jenny and Kelly turned as we came down, their eyes wide, their mouths open. Their expression is of pure fear.
“The CDC have been patrolling the neighbor since yesterday,” Kelly gulps. “They said so before they started asking us questions.”
“This... this is bad!” I gulp, my skin tingling. “We need to find somewhere we can hide.”
“Hide?” Jenny stands up, confused. “Why?”
I growl, looking down. “You heard what he was saying, if they find anyone turning, or who has turned into a pony, they’ll take them away. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they came asking if anyone you knew was exhibiting strange symptoms without elaborating on the types of symptoms just days after Party and I turn into ponies.”
Both girls’ eyes widen further.
I hold up a hoof before they start panicking and frown, thinking. “We need to get somewhere safe. Maybe we can find a small place out of town, lay low, at least until the search dies down.”
Kelly stared at me, wide eyed. “How can you be so calm?! You should be panicking!”
“You try having and raising a foal when you’re only fourteen! This is nothing compared to... that...?”
I lower the hoof I’d raised and look off into the distance. What did I just say?
“Um, Derpy?” Party asks, coming closer and nudging me. “You feeling alright?”
I blink and shake my head. “Right. Sorry. Anyway, Jenny, know where we can find something we can all fit in, your car won’t be able to fit five humans and two ponies without it being obvious or dangerous.”
She frowns, thinking, though I can see she’s panicking still. Frankly, so am I. She nods, looking at me with wide eyes with worry. “I don’t. I’m so sorry, Ben.”
I shake my head. “It’s fine. Maybe we can sneak out at night or something, travel on foot... well, hoof for Party and me, I guess, then find something we can all fit in before heading down the road out of town to somewhere we can wait this out.”
I turn to see Jenny talking on her phone. “... just get them here, quickly. We’re leaving soon. Because the CDC are looking for people exhibiting strange symptoms. Do you really think it couldn’t be they’re talking about ponies? No, they somehow know two people within our neighborhood have turned into ponies and are looking for them. Yes, I’m worried about Ben and Ash. We need to get them out of here, quickly. Just hurry and get home.”
I nod. Once Damian gets here we can properly prepare. Despite all the trouble he gets into with the law, I’m glad we have Damian on our side. With his knowledge on how to avoid the authorities, he’ll be able to keep us hidden.
___________________________________________________________
“Derpy,” I glance behind me. Everyone is standing in the middle of the living room, bags over their backs, larger, arm-strap bags at their sides.
Only a day has passed since the visit from the CDC. We’d spent all of yesterday preparing. We’d packed supplies to last us on the trip along with Kelly and Jenny going with mine and Party's bank cards to empty our account; we'd need the money for things on the road. We were going to Des Moines. That place was usually pretty quiet and I hadn't heard anything in the news or found anything online suggesting the CDC were hanging around there, so there mustn't be any ponies there.
Timing couldn't have been worse, though. Something had sped across the US Cadandian boarder the other day. The only conclusions any had been able to come to was a missile of some kind, though every country was denying they'd fired it. This put the government on high alert, which meant police were more focused.
We were leaving now, while it was dark out, to maximise our chances of not getting caught, either by the police or the CDC. Had we left during the day it would’ve been absolutely impossible.
I nod and hover into the air, opening the door with my mouth. We all move out, myself keeping my eyes peeled for anything, thankful for my ability to sometimes see two things at once with my eyes facing different directions from each other.
We were going to try and make our way on foot as far as we could. We still had no idea where we were even going to get there, but we couldn’t just wait around for someone to come and take us all away.
I was no fool. Sure, Party and I were the ones who’d turned into ponies, but the CDC would keep Kelly, Jenny and the others under the guise that, since they’d been around us for so long, they could be carrying whatever had changed us and had to be kept in quarantine so it didn’t spread.
“Seth just called me!” I notice that Party sounds really alarmed as he hurries to close the door, cellphone hovering next to his head in his magic. “The CDC are at American Jewellery and Loan!”
It takes a second before my brain pieces what he’s just said together.
“What?” I shout, dropping to the ground, my wings outstretched. “What the hell are they doing at the store?”
He shakes his head. “They somehow know about me. They’re demanding Les tell them where I am so they can quarantine me to keep me safe.”
I snort. “Keep you safe? Yeah, sorry, not buying it.”
He nods. “Ashley’s using a customer’s phone, so they won’t think to track that.”
I nod. “Your boss’s smart. That was quick thinking on her part.”
“Mommy, what’s going on?” Sally asks as Kelly grabs her hand and we hurry across the street.
“Something bad, honey,” Jenny says as she looks around worriedly. “Some very bad people are coming and we need to get your aunt and Ash out of here, before they arrive.”
“Dad, who’re you talking to?” my ear swivel at the sound of the question and glance behind me. Damian’s got his phone out, clearly having been talking with someone. Since I hadn’t heard his voice, it must have been via text message.
“Son, I’m protecting us,” I hear Damian say quietly. If I were still human, I wouldn’t have been able to hear it.
I frown at his words. Something about it felt off, but I couldn’t put my hoof on why.
“Bad news,” Party says, popping his balloon phone. “Seth just messaged me. Someone spotted Ashley using the phone and questioned her, forcing her to tell them who she’d spoken to—”
I growl. Well, at least that didn’t know where we were...
“—and some of the CDC pulled out. He said they’re headed in this direction.”
My eyes widen. You have got to be kidding me!
I rubbed my head, trying to think. Thanks to my brain injury, my brain had somehow wired itself so that I knew how to plan and to adapt to changes in a situation better than before then. Looks like I’ll have to put that skill to the test, just as I’d been since waking up as a full pony.
We need to be sure not to be too obvious. The plan was to split up. Damian, Kelly and I would go around the west suburbs, while the others went around the east.
I didn’t like leaving Jenny and the kids or Party alone, but I had no choice. If the CDC had forced Ashley to talk, they’d know about all of us. They’d be looking for a group of seven. If we split into a group of four and three, we stood a better chance of not being noticed.
Party gives me a look before he heads off with the others, while I turn and nod to Kelly and Damian.
We start heading down the street, with me hovering so I could keep a good pace with them and to make direct eye contact if need be.
___________________________________________________________
I duck down behind a garbage bin as a van passes by. My heart jumps in my throat as I see the CDC logo printed on its side. This was bad.
We’d been moving through the streets, keeping to shadows (not helped by Damian constantly using his phone to text, though I suppose he’s just checking on Jenny, making sure she’s safe), making sure we’re not spotted.
We’re nearing the parkland, where we said we’d all meet up. It was a children’s park that had gone into disuse a long time ago and the council hadn’t bothered to have it repaired or even taken down, so it sat there, falling apart.
It was a perfect place to meet up. The chances the CDC would be think to look there was pretty low, almost non-existent.
However, I can’t help being on edge. We’d been seeing about nine vans pass by already and I hadn’t been able to help noticing they were heading in the same direction as the park.
I was trying to convince myself it was just coincidence though. There was no way they knew we’d be meeting up there, could they?
When we’re a few blocks away from the parkland, I realize with dread that a lot of the CDC vans are parked around this area. There’s no way they could know, but them being here might mean there was more ponies around.
A thought to try and save them crosses my mind, but, as much as I hate myself for it, I have to push those thoughts aside. I’ve my current family to worry about.
As we draw nearer, however, I hear voices, angry voices.
We hide behind a public toilet and peak out, only for my heart to seize up.
There are several CDC officers, all wearing hazmat suits, holding a group of humans, pushing them towards vans. However, my eyes zero in on the unicorn struggling against three officers trying to hold him steady, while a fourth aims a tranquilizer dart gun at the unicorn’s neck.
Party Favor! They’d known! How the hell had they known?
“Hey!” an angry voice bellows from behind me and, before I knowing what’s going on, Damian is shooting forward, his face a mask of anger.
He runs to the people pushing Jenny towards one van while her children scream for her as they’re pushed towards another.
The officers all turned at the sound of his voice, but he reaches the one with Jenny before they can do anything and shoves them aside, freeing his wife.
“You bastards! You told me you’d leave us alone since I gave you those beasts!” his eyes are wide with anger. “You never said anything about taking my family with them! We’re not mutant freaks, it’s them!”
Kelly is looking with worry and confusion at him.
I, on the other hand, feel my eyes narrow and my mouth curl into a snarl. Beasts? Give them to them? Mutant freaks? Considering the circumstances, and remembering his words to Mark earlier, all those lead to one thought in my mind, but the very idea of it tears at my heart and fills me with rage.
“You...” I growl, feeling a tingling surging from my hooves to my wings. “You backstabbing TRAITOR!”
I shoot forward, my wing angled as I soar across the ground, aiming at Damian.
My sudden shout and appearance throws everyone off, meaning no one stops me as I reach Damian and, using my gained momentum, slam my hoof into his face.
He soars across the parkland, slamming his back into the broken slide and slumping down.
“Damian!” Jenny cries, about to ran over to him, but I stop her, flying up in front of her, putting my forehooves on her shoulders.
“Leave him! He betrayed us!”
She stares at me, blinking in confusion. “What?”
I whirl around, glaring at the human that stands up, wiping the blood that was trickling down his mouth.
It all made sense now: why the CDC went to American Jewellery and Loan with the knowledge one of their employees had turned into a pony, how they knew where we were, where we planned to meet up, how they figured it out so fast. Damian ratted us out to save his own ass.
I explain all of this from what I'd observed back at the house and then as we were traveling with him, before coming to the park where the CDC somehow knew where we'd be, finding it very hard to not shoot across the parkland and slam him again.
“Damian...?” Jenny looks to her husband, her eyes brimming with tears. “It... it’s not true... is it? Please tell me it’s not true?”
He just glares at me. “Jen, wake up! They’re not human, they’re freaks. For all we know, them being around us so long could’ve infected us too.”
“You... you bastard!”
Something shoots past us and suddenly Damian is lying on the ground, his face bleeding even more so than when I’d hit him just moments ago.
Kelly is standing over him, her fist clenched, his eyes wide with rage. “You sold out my boyfriend?! You fucking bastard! You’re my brother! How could you do that!?”
We wince as she kicks him with each question and statement.
“Mommy!”
I glance over my shoulder as Mark and Sally embrace their mother, sobbing uncontrollably.
I feel the pit of rage within me grow deeper. Damian had caused this, to his own children. He’d made them think they’d never see their mother again.
I want to beat that guy to a pulp, though Kelly’s already doing a pretty good job.
It’s only just now that I notice the CDC officers haven’t reacted. I glance around, only to see them all tied up with balloon chains and in balloon cages.
“Taken care of.” I turn to see Party Favor stepping into one of the vans with cages. “Thanks for the distraction, Derpy. Gave me a chance to work my stuff.”
I would have questioned this, but put it aside for the moment, especially when I noticed him making a key out of a balloon (where the heck does he get those anyway?) and inserting it into the keyhole of a cage.
I hurry over as I realize there’s a pony lying unconscious on the floor of the cage. She’s a Pegasus with a pink coat and a blonde mane and tail. Her Cutie Mark is of two yellow lightning bolts.
My eyes widen as I look her over. “Honey Rays.” I don’t know how I know her name, but assume it’s something from Derpy’s memories slipping through.
The fact that I was looking at another pony wasn’t the main thing halting my thoughts, though. This meant Discord got more than just Party and me. They are more like us out there.
This was my worst fear as well as greatest hope.
Ash and I weren’t the only people turning into ponies. We weren’t singled out in this. However, now that the authorities know about it, they’re treating us like whatever is happening to us is like a plague. And they clearly weren’t caring if ponies wanted to go with them or not, considering what we’d seen with that mare.
People had found out about us were scared. And because they were scared, they were ignoring that we, despite turning into ponies, were still sapient beings that are just as scared and were treating us like things, not living creatures that need help.
“Looks like we weren’t the only ones around this area,” Party says, snapping me out of my thoughts, before levitating her gently out of the cage. I move over and he lowers her onto my back.
I nod, coming out of my stupor completely as I feel the weight of the other Pegasus on my back. “Seems we’ve added another.”
“Guys!” we both hurry out at the sound of Kelly’s terrified voice.
Our eyes widen. More vans are coming down the road, heading in our direction.
“Run!” I shout, turning and bolting across the parkland. We’d have to cross through the suburbs again.
We make it several blocks down before we have to duck into a driveway. We wait anxiously as a van slows down nearby a few minutes later and the sound of footsteps on the pavement begins.
I chance a glance around the edge of the driveway. There are several hazmats walking towards the house right next to us. they only saw us turn the corner, so they probably guessed we’d try hiding in one of these houses.
Damnit. Now what? How were we going to get away now, especially since our group is now one pony extra in numbers?
“Psst!”
I almost have a heart attack, only just managing to stop myself from jumping into the air.
I whirl around to see a man. He’s wearing a dressing gown. At once I tense, hurrying in front of everyone and taking a defensive stance.
Despite my open hostility, he smiles sadly at me. “Come. Let’s get you to safety.”
I slacken out of confusion. What?
He opens his door and ushers for us to hurry inside.
I hesitate, not sure if I should trust this guy, but the sounds of the CDC people in the next house makes me decide and I hurry everyone towards the door.
We move through his house’s hallway, not getting to see any of the room since they’ve all got doors, before he leads us out another door to what I can tell is his backyard.
Though, frankly, backyard’s being a bit generous. It was basically just space behind the house with dirt and dried out weeds sticking up.
The only thing there aside from the dirt and weeds is an RV. It's a Forester MBS model. My grandparents on my mother's side had owned one them when I was little. Though this one looks like it’s seen better years, the paint's faded, leaving it a creamy-brown colour where it would have been pristine white in the past.
An odd thing though, there was another driveway back here, this one exiting through the other side of the suburb.
I glanced up at the old, to find him glancing over his shoulder with a scowl on his face. Flicking my ears back, I could hear the sound of footsteps heading up the driveway at the front of the house.
“Get inside, quickly!” he whispered fiercely, opening the RV’s main door and ushering us in.
I would have questioned this, seeing as he was having us all cram into a small metal tin on wheels, but the sound of banging on the front door made my decision for me and I hurried in after the others.
“Now, wait here, while I handle this,” the old man said, closing the door, leaving us in semi-darkness due to the blinds, due to the window, which were on the left side of the RV having been drawn closed.
Sally moved to open them, but her mother stopped her, silently shaking her head.
I flicked my ears forward, trying to hear what was going on. Despite my pony hearing, the sounds were muffled through the RV’s metal, but I could just hear what the old man was doing.
“So, you fucking bastards are back to finish what ya started five years ago, eh?” the old man’s voice shouted. “Ya good fer nothin’ assholes should be rotting in a slammer!”
Wow. Talk about expressive. Clearly this guy had a beef with the CDC about something that happened five years ago. Wonder what it was?
“No, Mr. Hiligan, sir,” one male voice said, sounding a little worried. “We’re here to ask if you’ve seen any ponies around here? Two pegasi and a unicorn? They were with some humans as well. One of the pegasi would be unconscious and being carried by one of the hu—”
“Do I look like a farmer to you?!” Mr. Hiligan’s voice retorted. “I ain’t seen no ponies, horses or whatever. Now, leave me alone so I can live what’s left of my life in peace! I see any of you on my property again and I’ll call the cops!”
Normally I could see that threat working, but these guys were CDC. I’m not really sure the police could do much to them.
To my surprise though, it seems to work, because the sound of footsteps heading back down the front driveway tells me they’re leaving.
We all sit in the RV for several minutes, waiting anxiously. After what felt like an eternity, the door opened again, Mr. Hiligan standing in its frame, smiling wearily at us.
“If you drive out the back now, you might be able to get away without them following you.”
“Huh?” is the response of everyone else, including myself. Well, aside from the unconscious Honey Rays.
Mr. Hiligan walks in, takes Kelly’s hands and places a pair of keys in them. “I don’t need this RV anymore, haven’t for a long time. You use it to get away, that way it’s at least being put to some good use.” He then looks to Honey Rays sadly. "I'll miss Amber. She was a nice girl."
I frown. "Wait. You know her?"
He looks to me and nods. "Amber Welter. Nice girl. She'd come over and help me from time to time, or just to talk." He chuckles. "She always was going on about ponies." Then his face saddens. "I only wish I could've stopped her from being taken in the first place. I'd wondered why she hadn't come around in the last week."
He turns to leave, but I walk in front of him. “Mr. Hiligan... why did you help us? We’re ponies. Why would you help a bunch of ponies? Why aren’t you even startled by the fact that two of us can talk, or that one’s a unicorn and the other two are clearly pegasi?”
He gives me that sad smile from before again. He sighs, closing his eyes. “I was one of them fifty years ago, a member of the CDC.”
The kids gasp, causing me to roll my eyes. It wasn’t that big of a shock. Sure the idea that a former CDC guy was going against those he served with to help us was odd, but it didn’t require a gasp of utter shock.
I indicate for him to continue. There was something more about this.
He sighs glancing over his shoulder at the unconscious Honey Rays as Kelly and Jenny worked together to put her on the couch in the corner.
“Five years ago, I disconnected myself from them. I’d served to protect humanity from spreading diseases, all for my family, for fifty years before entering retirement. I even separated families in order to keep them safe from infections.” He scowled. “What I didn’t know was that the CDC would betray me, after all my years of service.”
~~~~~~~~~
I smiled as I watched my granddaughter playing with her dolls on the floor, while my wife spoke with our daughter and son-in-law.
They’d celebrated my seventieth birthday with a surprise party. My daughter had made me a college of our years. It had warmed my heart.
Suddenly, a banging comes from the front door.
I glance at my wife, who raises an eyebrow. We weren’t expecting any visitors aside from our daughter, her husband and our granddaughter.
Before I can even turn to head for the door, it comes down and men in hazmat suits come charging in. They grab each of us and start pulling us out.
My granddaughter is screaming for her mother as she clings to the frame of the door, before she’d pulled out.
“What’s going on?” I shout, glaring around at the people who broke into my house, before I see the CDC logo on their suits. “Why’s the CDC taking us away?”
I learn, however, it isn’t all of us that they’re taking. It’s only our daughter, her husband and our granddaughter. I try pushing my way through the numerous men in hazmat suits, trying to get to my family, but I’m not strong enough to fight off so many young people at my age.
After several minutes, I calm down enough for them to explain. They tell me they received a claim that someone reported to them that there was a chance that my daughter and her husband, and even our granddaughter had contracted the ebola virus are being taken for testing to prove if it is true and, just in case they are, to quarantine them before they get to the stage where it will spread.
They explained that, once they’d tested my family, provided the tests come back negative for the virus, they’d send them back, unharmed.
As much as I did not like this, my wife was practically in tears, I agree with them. I’d worked with them for a long time and knew they couldn’t just ignore a possible case of ebola.
FIVE MONTHS LATER
Dear Mr. Hiligan,
We are glad to inform you that neither your daughter, son-in-law or granddaughter had the ebola virus.
However, we do regret to inform you that, during their month waiting for release, they came into direct contact with another person we’d suspected of having the ebola virus. Unlike them, this person did have the virus. And, having been close to him for an extended time during their waiting time, each contracted it a day before their release. They perished two weeks later.
We offer our sincerest apologies for our mistake, sir, and offer our deepest condolences.
~~~~~~~~~
We all stared in silence after he finished, all horrified by what he’d explained.
“My wife broke down when she found out. She faded away until she wasn’t even really there. Then, two months after she learned about our family’s fates... she passed away herself.”
Kelly gulped. “H-how did she die?”
He looked to her sadly. “To be honest... I feel she died of a broken soul, miss. She just didn’t have the spirit to live on anymore. I’ve been living on my own and have had no respect for the CDC ever since.”
I frowned, glancing over my shoulder. “So that’s why you’re helping us, because of what happened to your own family?”
He nodded, turning to me. “I’ve seen what they’re doing. It sickens me. Whatever you ponies are, you’re not dangerous and I don’t believe you should be treated like... well, animals. You use to be humans, meaning you should be given the rights of humans. And whatever caused you to change, I get the feeling our science can’t explain it.”
Wow. If only he knew.
He smiles, walks out and glances back only to wave to us, before heading inside and closing the door behind him.
We all glance at each other, not sure what just happened. After a few moments, we nod, the kids, Party and I heading into the back sitting wherever we can find a spot, myself lying on the bed with the unconscious Pegasus we’d added to our group, while Jenny got into the driver’s seat and Kelly sat in the passenger seat.
We waited several minutes; just to be sure the CDC wouldn’t notice the sound of the RV starting up, before Jenny turned the ignition. The engine sputtered for a few moments, before it roared into life.
Jenny put it into gear and started pulling out of the back drive way, turned down the road and we started the drive out of town, most likely not to return.
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Yeah, the CDC are going to get a lot of hate for thier stupidity.
Keep going! ;)
ok then I am really surprised with this story.
I do not mean to offend you AB as you are a good author but when we talked about a 5s story I was not 100% sure you would be able to pull it off.
Dam was I wrong this story is really going places and looking supper good congratulations on this story and you should be happy with your achievement in this work of art.
Harts Fire
6084015 Remember at this point in the story, the CDC is running with a mandate, use any means possible to contain and find a cure.
Spectrum corporation has been outsourced and is carrying out dissections and tests on both living and dead ponies.
Eh it's got promise.
After 5 years of nothing but, I may be starting to get really tired of best mom Derpy w/Dinky stories...
6087802 hey, Ep 100 Gave Derpy so much personality. They show she isn't an idiot but someone very very gentle kind and caring.
All right, let's see what we have here.
It can be a good story, but some things don't let it shine properly.
First, the characters. There are many of them, but none have gotten enough time to really open up. Brief descriptions, a bit of dialogue, next one please. That's for the most, besides Derpy herself, but even her character is mostly glossed over. Also, they are not really reacting to the change, at least, I can't see it in the story - they are mildly annoyed at most. They act like people who've read the entire Five Score group here.
Second, the pacing. Oh, I long for the day when someone will invent the brakes for the authors. Half of the problems with characters are from the fact that you don't slow down for anyone... except sometimes you take some time to describe things that don't really matter. You spent more lines on breakfast composition than on your main character genderswap.
Third. The canon breaches. You place things like Seattle explosion on the news a day before Twilight Sparkle regrew her tail. You placed Party Favor on Discord's list before the M6. Timeline of FS is pretty simple, so such things are easy to notice. (though, most of those are easy to fix by shifting Derpy's birthday to 3 days later than it's now)
And the fourth, grammar and punctuation. Even I can spot many, many errors. Please, do something about it.
That was bad parts. Now, to the good ones.
The premise is interesting. I don't remember a story in FS-verse to really tackle the relationship between pony-parents and pony-foals directly, everyone prefers simpler same-age groups or adoption. So, there are a lot of unexplored terrain there, and therefore, a potential for a fresh story.
The character-building that you do have, is actually pretty good, and it's sad that you don't like to spend any time on it.
Some side characters are very well done too - maybe that's because you spend sometimes more time explaining them, than you spend on your main cast (Mr. Hiligan, is deeper than Party Favor, and somehow I doubt he'll be appearing much). Dream sequences are well done as well (too bad you tend to forget you had them after your characters have a token reaction on the most recent one).
Well, and the idea of the family on the run, while not too fresh and new, allows for some good action and interactions - if you manage to use it properly.
Well, that's all for now. I really hope some of this lengthy rant would help you make this story as good as it's supposed to be.
And I'll be eternally grateful if you won't kill me with a chainsaw for it.
6089193
> Ep 100 gave
IT HAS BEEN LIKE 18 HOURS JESUS HAVE NO ONE HEARD OF SPOILERS
but yeah it will be p. cool no doubt
6089517 hey I didn't say how or why... i even said less about it then in the commercials. just they gave derby a heart :)
6089517 aside from the fact that Derpy's name is now apparently Muffins.
6089264
Um, how? Discord clearly tells Party that the mane six were some of the first he'd sent away. How does that put Party before the mane six?
6090176
The proper order will be Celestia, then Twilight, then Shining Armor, then the rest of M6 (and a trial run on Irony the day before that).
Remember, the curse is exactly 25 years, so it falls in the same order it was put on, minding all the intervals. Therefore, Party running a day before Derpy, who have hers dropped early May 2nd, places him way before Twilight (she had her mark appear in the afternoon of May 1st).
6090797 Irony was taken about a week before the Mane 6.
6091161 My memory have failed me!
6091166 lol it helps that I'm playing a small part in the character's development.
Your concept is good, but your implementation leaves a lot to be desired.
Name memory in most Five Score fics (including the Dust group) is dependent on the ponies knowing each other prior to the curse, but I can't think of any reason for Party Favour and Derpy to know each other.
Drempt memories for Derpy have been coming harder and faster than for every pony I can think of other than ones that came up with some excuse to keep or regain their memories (such as the CMC). Recall that the mane 6 got only the memories of immediately before the curse and of names of ponies they knew, at least until Dash got everything all at once near the end.
Your CDC are incompetent. A strong quarantine means keeping people who are suspected of having a disease isolated from each other.
Your timing of events doesn't fit, especially regarding the events of Vancouver/Seattle; someone else already went through that part.
Party Favour is using magic instinctively but it took concentrated effort for the mane 6 unicorns to do it; there are plausible reasons to forgive this one though. And minor head canon break: Party Favour was never seen using magic in the show, but it came easily to him here; whether you think he can actually levitate stuff is up to your discretion, but I don't think he can.
6105229
Well, maybe i've just not gotten to a memory of the two of them meeting, did you think of that?
And, as for recognition of a pony i give you a tidbit from the original.
6105555
I didn't forget that scene, I just assumed they were Ponyville ponies or otherwise ponies Mac had met before.
And you're right, I did jump to conclusions about Party Favour.
6105229
That's why Hiligan hates them so much. They slackened on their job, thus causing him to lose his family
Woohoo! A new, decent-looking fivescore, finally. There's a few good fivescore fics that are ongoing, but for the most part, almost all of the fivescore fics are either dead, too atrocious to read, or some combination thereof. I'll be sure to check this out when I have the time. It shows promise.
Several 'you're' where you meant 'your' and other errors, but enjoying it so far.
You have some spelling/grammar issues here and there, which does drag the quality of your writing down a bit. It's nothing too bad though, and on the whole I think this is a pretty good story. Looking forward to more!
Well if you want him to know, TELL HIM
Also comment sections never cease to amaze me.