Hi my name is John a boring name I know, but its mine so I'm not complaining.There I was, at the con dressed up as Ori from, of course, Ori and the Blind Forest. Why you ask? Because of a dare I made with my friend Harry, or as I called him Potter Pot. Anyway, the dare was who would beat Ori and the blind forest first, you can guess who won.
I was walking down past the little shops looking like some furry. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate furries, I just don't like being called one.
As I was walking I stopped abruptly and turned my head to a stall. "Now this is interesting" I said as walked up to a man in said stall with an impressive amount of cash and items. But one thing caught my eye, a glowing blue orb marked "Sein," I made my way to the merchant, who was dressed up like the merchant from resident evil 4.
I stopped in front of the stall, the merchant was currently selling black lenses to a man dressed as a golden bear, probably Golden Freddy from the FNAF games.
When he was done selling the lenses to the bear he turned to me and I asked him "how much for the glowing… sin orb?"
he chuckled and said "it's sein," he corrected." this old thing is just 10 bucks."
I gave him a surprised look that thing looked to be worth about 50 bucks. As I handed him the 10 dollars and took the orb hastily, but as soon as I touched it I heard girliest manly scream come from right... behind me, i turned around and I saw the bear falling into some portal and not even a second later I found myself falling through empty space and then everything went black.
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Luna's (POV) 3rd person
Luna raised the moon once more and lazily got herself ready to get some much needed rest, When she saw in the corner of her eye, a bright flash just above the forest near the castle, she looked out her window to see a light, slowly descending down towards a clearing in the forest she and her sister went to often when they were younger, a flood of questions arose in her mind.
Is it Discord? she thought it can't be him! his in stone, but that light resembles his magic, I must hurry! She immediately went to investigate.
After short time of flying, the light had dimmed a decent amount but was still there in the middle of the clearing. As she landed she saw a creature, not something that you usually see in the Everfree Forest, also to add to the strangeness of the creature it's fur was, glowing it had some cat like features but Luna knew that cats did not have glowing fur, nor did they have fingers on their paws. So she walked up to the creature, only to see it was asleep. Also it seemed like was dreaming… I guess its possible, but as Luna got closer the creature started to wake up.
She stepped back not knowing what it would do when awoken.
The creature opened its eyes, the creature eyes were pitch black with white pupils, those same eyes looked at her with confusion then it looked down at itself and then reached for its ears and went wide eyed and let out a high pichet "EEP" and jumped back.
Luna started to walk up to the cowering creature to calm it down the creature looked like it was trying to talk but only made cute sounds of fear and confusion.
Luna sat next to the creature still shivering with fear, she felt bad it and started petting it, the creature seemed to calm down, Luna let out a sigh of relief. Now to find out just what it was.
This is going to be a long night she thought.
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Ori's (POV) 1st person
As I woke up I heard footsteps coming towards me, no wait? that sounds like... hoofsteps? I slowly open my eyes to see a dark blue horse with a...horn? And wings too?
So its not a horse, pegasus or unicorn. So what is it a wingacorn or something? Actually when I think about it, oh my ga...! This wingacorn is huge! I look down at myself and see that I have glowing white fur, paws with tiny fingers and then I put a hand/paw on my head only to feel that I have huge ears on the top of my head.
I jumped back and tried to let out a scream and say. "what the hell!" But the only thing that came out was a high pitched "EEP." I put my paws on my throat, saying i was scared out of my mind was an understatement.
I was terrified, and then I felt a hoof touch my back and started to pet me I calmed down immediately I felt safe like I was back home. after a while of petting the wingacorn put me on it's back with a weird blue glow that I'm not going to question, and it started to fly to some sort of castle. so wait this is a royal horse? I asked myself as I saw the armored horse guards with only wings, horns or none of the two.
"Well this can't get much weirder" I said but still only noises came out.
Shortly the wingacorn landed on one of the balconies of the castle I noticed a light floating towards me, I reeled back in surprise as it stopped right in front of me.
"hello there my name is Sein I am the light spirit".
"Ok then". I turned to the wingacorn... I should find a better name for that but anyway I turned to the horse, unicorn, pegasus thing.
"Tell me I'm not going insane". I tried to say but nothing but noises came out of my mouth, but the orb seemed to understand me so I asked the orb
"can you understand me?"
"Yes I can"the orb answered.
"Great! Then you can translate to Wingacorn over here! Wait, does it speak english?"
"No sadly I can not translate for you as you see she can not see me nor hear me,”she stated her voice tinged with regret ”as for if she speaks your language then yes she does" she said her tone shifting from regret to some sort of happy.
"oh" I said slightly disappointed and slightly relieved, first I knew I could understand this horse thing now and second I could not communicate with her as a result of my inability of speech, and just to add to my vasts amount of knowledge on this wingacorn I now know its a she.
"and she's called an alicorn" the orb stated a matter of factly.
"a wha?" I asked slightly confused
"an alicorn, and her name is Luna"the orb deadpanned.
Just like if confirming what sein just said this... Luna turned around and said
"what to do with you?" as she put me on some sort of table.
"maybe I could ask Tia if I could keep it". .
I thought about that for a moment then nodded and said "Sure being the royal pet would not be so bad," understandably she did not understand me. she looked at me with a surprised look probably because I understood her, she smiled and left the room. I looked around curious of my surroundings. After a bit of looking around getting used to my new body I saw a quill and paper sitting on what looked like a coffee table.
"I wonder if these horses or wachama call it... alicorns! can read? I announced excitedly when I remembered the name of her species “or that i can write?” I asked Sein but got no answer I looked around only to see that Sein was gone.
"guess I'm on my own..." I said as I began writing.
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After a while I looked at a crudely written message that said
"MY NAME IS ORI."
Turns out my paws are not as nimble as hands so I was forced to use my whole arms to write, which in turn led to that the letters covered the whole page and also were in all capitals. I decided since I don't remember my real name I would just go as Ori.
After a quarter of hour Luna and another Alicorn that I guessed was this Tia, a tall white alicorn with a pink mane and sitting on her back was a tiny red and orange bird. She and the bird looked at me with curiosity.
"So this is the creature you wanted to tame?" Tia asked, as she did I took the paper with my new name on it and waved it around to get there attention, Tia took it with her magic (thats what im going to call it from now on) and looked at it surprised, she looked back at me then the paper and turned to Luna and said
"I think this Ori is smarter than you think"
and handed her the paper. Luna at first looked surprised then a smile crept its way on her face, then looked at me with that same goofy smile
" well Ori I think we're going to be good friends.”
I usually don't go into a full-scale analysis of a story when it has grammar like this one does, so i'll just do the first paragraph.
I would go through the entire thing, but that's a bit too much effort... and because I got bored of reading it after 'everything went black.'.
Recommendation? Get an editor. Nothing Further.
- Altaimare
5998341 noted and thank you... and fixed it
I want to play the game. But I'll settle for reading this. If you have any use for a time-bending maniac that spews out lots of innuendos whenever she can, just PM me about a crossover.
5998404 Yeah, I agree with Altaimare. Get an editor before posting anymore. Trying to read something like this will give me a headache and quickly drive me to bordom.
5998822 yes me and red are working on getting an editor, now i finished the new chapter but we need the editor
Nice job. I love to help you out when I get the chance!!
Wow, I actually think this one is going to turn out really nice.
5998822 Let me tell you, this is not the worst. I've read ones in much more dire need of editors than this one. But it wouldn't hurt.
5998957 thanks me and red were slaving over the prologue and expect a new chapter coming
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Adding to favorites to track progress. If it improves I may 'like' it.
5998961 Don't get me wrong, I agree completely. I've seen some that just a few lines in I gave up trying to make sense of it.
The premise is interesting, and I'll definitely be watching for more.
Seeing so many errors in the description is very off-putting. I'd work on capitalization and sentence structure in the description, since that's what is supposed to draw your reader in. I'll hold off judgement on the story till later though. It's an interesting idea at least.
5999271 oh god i just noticed that!
I like this fic
Keep up the work
5999938 Thank you, i know its cliche but every single like and fav means alot to us
This is BRILLIANT! Can't wait for chapter 3, just got to read chap. 2
Got a nice long list of corrections for you here;
'3rd Person'
Discord (as it is a name) and a space after the '?' with She, He's and his and She again respectively at each underline.
'Luna'
'This', also full stop at the end of the Italics
'1st'
'As'
'too'
oh my ga...!this wingacorn is huge!
needs a space there between the '!' and This
'I'
'Tell', and add quotation marks to the end of this sentence.
Space after the mark
'Then'
"she's", alternatively extend to 'she is'
'Tia'
Just a note to end with my analyses, don't forget to capitalise the first letter of the first word in a sentence, I haven't marked all of them since they seem to be fairly obvious. Also remember to capitalise names (Discord, Luna and Tia being cases I have marked here).
Aside from these points which just make it appear rushed, I would likely not have realised English wasn't your primary language. You certainly have a good grasp on the written language.
Keep up the good work I say, and make sure to give your work a second read to check for mistakes.
it's weird that they are surprised that an "Animal" can think yet this was a long time ago they probably didn't know at the time,
but he can communicate with other creatures? or he have to enter to Acorn High to learn squirrel?...
I just find out.
Displaced Pet? Well, that's new.
Or are there more stories like that out there!? Love the idea, regardless!
Awesome first chapter, i really like that he is probably silent for a while, that makes it interessting how he is trying to decsribe everything, or try to do things.
I can´t say anything special, i like nearly everything in this chapter, and i like it that the merchant was at a different place this time.
Dun dun dun.
Interesting intro. The only problem I had with it was this passage:
You repeated the word creature four times in this, in the future you should try to use synonyms or pronouns so to make it flow more smoothly.
Besides that a good solid work.