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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Please don't let there be a Starlight Gleamer....that is just....meh
the title name wasn't ver encouraging
One vote for Sandra.
She's grown a lot during this story (pun unintended) and seeing her actually taking charge for once would be interesting.
One vote for Kerren.
I would like to know more about the general / pony as time goes on.
but for now lets see about life with dust.
~Calm down, Sandra. You're heading Cindy and the rest of us
heading.... do you mean hearing? or are the typos getting to me? Are they already here? Are we all typos?
heheheh anyway love the story, keep up the good work. I wish you well and hope that you have a good day.
Two for Sandy because, not only can she learn to be a princess but it's also a way to keep Windy in the story even from afar.
6259790 Fixed!
6259608
I agree with this. Go Sandra!
I'll vote with a Typo (q to a), let's go with Sandra!
This Jungle Princess is even more powerful than I thought. I figured she was just local to the area of middle/south America, but it seems like she can control and alter ferals as far as the northern United States! Will doesn't even have that sort of mental range.
She seems perfectly benign though, thank heavens.
6260119 Fixed!
I'll raise you a "q" and put in an "a." (Change the "q" to an "a.")
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You can take out part of a sentence.
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I vote for Pedro.
...
Oh, he's not in here? Then I'll go for Sandra.
6260223 Sandra seems to be the star of the day!
Because there was no previous mention of buildings or roofs, it should read:
As we hopped across the country, we arrived on a roof in a small town.
Also, I've been meaning to mention it, but reading the conversations is starting to feel like a Mass Effect game. There is a lot of the same actions (holding up a hand/hoof/appendage), and almost all of the conversations end fairly abruptly with everyone in agreement. There isn't enough arguing points of view to really engage the reader. They all just happen to have these perfectly scripted, preplanned meetings, where most, if not all, have some say in the matter, and anything brought forwards is always relevant.
Just something to think on.
6262097 You make an observation, but I'm not sure what the suggestion is?
6262113
Your story lacks depth and originality when it comes to its conversations. The people in them get together, say exactly what is needed to progress the story, and that is it. There are no jokes, asides, or irrelevant observations (whether obvious at the time or not). To forestall someone else interrupting them, a character needs but to raise an appendage for silence, where normally not everyone would heed that.
In reality, the entire story needs some fleshing out, but the most mission critical are the conversations. The characters feel like robots as soon as they open their mouths (so to speak).
6262508
Ha...they do seem to be lacking though, I'll keep his in mind when it's me writing.
ch78
our
Windy should be able to wrangle enough info outta this guard alone to make her exclusion worthwhile.