22 - Dread Pirate Ruby
Kaily - 25th of Harvestide '09 EoH
Three days had been all of the time I needed to discover four things. The Twins are crazy, but the glorious bastards sort of crazy. To use any given Bardic power I had to direct the magic to do it, not try to do it myself. The former captain of the ship was working for a Pirate King and the ship was thus filled with five years plunder enroute to be delivered, and somehow, the universe was working with tropes, probably by the same means as tabletop physics.
I should elaborate a bit. The details are important. This is the beginning of the tale after all.
The Twins spent twenty straight hours going over each item in the ship’s frankly massive hold. They checked each item individually, appraised it, categorized it, checked it for magic, sorted it, and added it to a list. That list was about three hundred lines long, had five different categories, catalogued over 1,260 items (counting the containers everything was in, but not coins), and listed the total value at precisely 198 platinum, 47 gold, 9 silver, and 9 copper pieces.
Rather than sleep after finishing that masterpiece of loot inspection, the Twins simply cast a spell to ward off the effects of exhaustion and began to construct separate lists of the uses of each item and convert the useless items into spell components. At the same time Risky began drafting plans for magic items she wanted to create and set components for those aside. That was understandable, the crazy part is they worked like machines, no food, no rest, no breaks. Task begin, task end, and nothing else between.
Since they obviously had a complete handle on their powers, I decided I should probably get a handle on my own. After all there was more at play here than some spell that grants class levels. A campaign was afoot, or perhaps I should say ahoof. Since it wasn’t the normal ‘Wizard Bad! You Good! Be hero! Go kill!’ campaign but rather a, ‘sometime in the future everything is going to go to shit so hard the only comparison is an attack by evil cyborg space C'thulhu’ sorta deal, we needed to be in perfect shape to even start thinking about stopping that from happening.
Also there was whatever the fuck had killed me. I had learned something about myself from the experience, being killed makes me rather vindictive. That big goat eyed demon thing had to die, preferably with fire and science. So I put in a few long hard hours of trial and error and got a hold of how to use my spells, abilities, and skills. It was actually pretty easy, I remembered my sheet and instinctively knew what I had gained from leveling.
That was a weird feeling. It’s like being consciously aware of say, exactly how much food you had eaten and how much energy from it remained in your body. Also weird was while I had my bard powers down, I couldn’t get the vampire or solar template’s abilities to kick in. I complained about it to the twins, and their best guess is the powers probably only work while in direct sunlight due to the Solar Empowerment ability. Risky offered to make a charm so that the moonlight would also work if that was the case.
So with my self discovery and training finished, I went to interrogate our prisoner. Because bards are persuasive sons of bitches, and with my stats, diplomacy checks are a match for a suggestion spell. His name was Pine Sap, and even without persuasion he agreed with me that was a horrible name for a pirate. He was one of a number of captains working as a privateer for someplace called the Griffon Kingdom and was returning with five years of cargo sized in the most amazingly brilliant evil scheme I have ever heard of.
The Griffon Kingdom was ruled by Eirik the Red, who had made a trade agreement with the countries of Zebrica and Neighpon. If a ship leaving one of their nations for the other was lost or it’s cargo sized, the destination nation would pay for the lost goods anyways. Then he hired privateers to raid every ship leaving his country for those others and bring him the cargo back. Basically, the best insurance fraud ever.
The Captain was kind enough to concede our victory and told us about a seaside village of batponies three days sail from where we had been in exchange for his freedom. I was fine with keeping the bargain, privateers are legal pirates after all. The twins however, had other plans.
“We can’t just let him go.” Lucky objected.
“I said we wouldn’t kill him. I can’t go back on my word, that’s just not right.” I sighed for the third time.
Risky facehooved and groaned. “You just don’t get it!”
“Then explain it!” I snapped, baring my teeth angrily.
Their ears drooped. “Er-sorry.” they apologized.
“It’s just that we aren't used to-” Lucky started.
“-dealing with other people.” Risky finished. “The two of us basically know what we're thinking- Actually, we really do know that now. So, sorry. It’s hard to… Look, if we let the pirate go we would be starting the wrong reputation. As far as the world cares, we are associated with you because we took this ship together.”
Lucky nodded, “If you let him go, even if we go our separate ways our reputation would take a hit. We have this whole invasion thing to get rid of, and this ship is an asset for that. Do you really think we can get governments to listen to us if we are just a bunch of bleeding hearts who stole a pirate ship?”
That was actually a good point. I hadn’t considered keeping the ship forever, it would certainly be an asset. Even though Phee could probably build us a shuttle or something, the ship was still a flying vehicle ponies could be trained to use easily. Their hooves probably wouldn't work with standard human controls.
“That’s actually a good idea. We should definitely keep the ship. But I still don’t see why you are saying we should kill the guy.” I admitted.
They tilted their heads in confusion. “What? Kill him?”
“Why would we waste resources like that?” Lucky asked.
Risky nodded. “You’re playing a bard! We just stole a pirate ship and are on a mission to save the world. Come on! Stop thinking like real life!”
“This is real life. This is really happening. I died once!” I protested with an exasperated sigh.
“Oh, right!” Lucky groaned. “That’s an inside joke. She means well… Most people just go through the motions of living. They wake up, go to work, eat, work, come home, do some activity, and sleep.”
“All day every day, that’s what they do. Just like NPCs.” Risky added.
Lucky nodded and pointed to her sister. “We decided not to be NPCs. We started to play the game called Life, and we only play to win. You win by getting to do what you want, when you want, without consequences. In other words, you win by being super rich and powerful.”
Risky winked at me. “We were getting business degrees so we could get hired by Maresoft. At which point we were going to apply game theory to work our way into having a controlling interest in the company. We had everything figured out too, we would have needed five years to pull it off.
“After that we would have sold it off, and used the buying frenzy’s effect on the stock market to buy other similarly valuable companies and repeat the process until we rivaled the Rothschild Dynasty.”
I felt my ears stand up in surprise. “So you are saying you consider life a game to win? How good was your plan? Was that even legal?”
Lucky shook her head. “No, real life is what distracts you from the game. The game is just life. Our plan was foolproof, we’re twins, we have cultural hotness, and the managers were males. It would have been a trivial matter to seduce our way up the ranks while arranging incidents such as misfiled papers, actually reporting their conduct to HR, and the like, to have key MOBs fired. That’s not important though.
“What's is important is what we were going to do with that cash. No one really needs more than a few million to do whatever the hell they want. The idea was we were going to channel most of everything to science, charity, and start up our own welfare foundations. I mean, hoarding cash as far as we can tell leads to well, shit lives for everyone. But-”
“The game’s changed.” They said together.
“Now it’s a game we like more, it has a better setting for one.” Risky laughed. “Though, mostly because once we pay the DMs for our powers via saving the world, we win. We’re wizards, we have all the power we could ever want. I mean, Tartarus, I just finished using a spellcraft check to tweak my mage armor spell to make it look like a Dragoon Transformation!”
Lucky took a step towards me with a determined look on her face. “We can’t afford to fuck this up! From what you have told us, your friends know nothing of what's going on. If we go back to them right now it’s a waste of time.
“We need to build forces, spread the word, and gain power! Phoenix is likely occupied building a city like she planned to, and the DMs apparently want that to happen. If we go back there we will just disrupt that. We can do more good out here, with this ship and a reputation that we are not to be messed with.”
“You guys make a surprising amount of sense.” I conceded. They were also a bit terrifying, but I decided not to mention it.
My mind raced as I stitched together what they had said with what I thought they were saying we should do. A solid plan started to form, they were right, if we focused on just one place and what we could do there we might save it but what about the rest of the world?
“We do need to make sure that more than just Equestria and the changelings survive. One nation won't last long against well, magic reapers. I believe what you are saying is if we let the captain live, people will know we stole his ship, but if we don’t tell anyone, then when this flying ship-on-a-mission shows up out of nowhere, it'll give us a mysterious feel.”
“Exactly!” The twins chorused happily.
“It’s a good idea. Actually… I could work with that.” I mused. Building mystique would certainly help us build a reputation where rulers might seek to deal with us rather then fire all the missiles and be done with it.
After a moment of thought I excitedly raised my hoof to snap a finger and shout eureka, realizing at the last second I didn’t have any fingers I simply thrust my hoof into the air, “I got it! We use the apparent fact that tropes can influence things like our… we need a term for our abilities. Let’s call them Die Powers.”
“What do you mean?” Lucky asked, her lips pursed in confusion. “Tropes? Like, narrative cliches people enjoy instead of hate?”
I reared up on my hind legs, wobbled slightly, and stretched my arms out to gesture at the sky through the large bay window at the back of the captain’s cabin. “We are on a pirate ship, which is flying. As you know, the sky is an ocean, so it's only logical that it must have pirates as well. We need every edge we can get, so we invoke a few tropes. Based on what’s happened to me so far, I think they somehow can influence reality a bit.”
I set myself back down on all fours and began to pace the cabin in thought. “Sure, maybe I'm wrong and that doesn't really work, but I don't see why they wouldn't. I mean, I can make a knowledge check right now and be passed a note with the answer on it. What we do is we become an all female crew of sky pirates, the roguish kind naturally. An amazon brigade of plucky chaotic goods, Robin Hooding the world from our flying pirate ship. If tropes do apply, then we would have a greater chance of succeeding than if we say, just try to be hard asses with an airship.”
Suddenly something else came to mind. The big goat thing probably wasn’t just killing me again because he thought I was dead, and I had just the one one up according to Death. “Also, I should probably use a fake identity for a while. It’s probably a good idea to pull a Dread Pirate Roberts.”
“Why an all female crew?” Risky asked in confusion.
“Because in stories, if they are villains, nothing bad happens to them until the heroes show up!” I chuckled. “Or if they are the protagonists, they only ever are really hurt by the big bad. Everything else is just minor setbacks. If the trope can be invoked in real life it makes our odds that much better.”
“You’re thinking of an all male crew.” Lucky said uncertainly.
I paused, gave her a look, decided she wasn’t trolling me and shrugged. “I guess our world’s have different tropes. My homeworld was male dominated.”
“Ah. That would make sense then.” Risky mused before humming thoughtfully. “Which world’s tropes might apply? If any do I mean.”
“Perhaps it depends on who invokes them. Regardless, we have to do something, your spell doesn't swab decks, make repairs, and prepare food.” I pointed out.
“Sis, let’s do the lesbian pirate crew.” Lucky said walking over to my side. “So then Kaily, what’s your captain identity going to be?”
Risky giggled at her sister. “She said female crew, not lesbian crew.”
“If her world’s tropes are gender flipped, and an all male crew is implied to be gay, then an all female crew is implied to be lesbians.” Lucky said giving her sister a lustful wink.
“I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it!” Risky shouted with a huge grin on her face.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “You guys would love Tess.”
“Probably. You’re definitely sexier than her though.” They cooed flirtatiously in unison.
“Do you guys hit on every girl you meet?” I asked with a sigh.
They shook their heads. “No.”
“We are planning on making a harem of cute girls after we solve this invasion thing though.” Risky informed.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because sex is fun. Duh.” Lucky said rolling her eyes. “Also as wizards we can remove all risk of disease, crotch spawns, and invent spells to make it even better.”
Risky nodded in agreement. “We basically are motivated by the thought of getting to do shit every day like… What was your birthday wish last year dear?”
“Thirty girl Halo 2 LAN party/orgy with a Corruption of Champions theme.” Lucky giggled.
I blinked twice. Okay, so these two were more pervy then Tess. By a lot.
“Alrighty then… I’ll come up with an alias to use after we figure out what to do with Pine Sap.”
“Who?” Risky asked.
“That’s the captain’s name.” I answered.
“That’s a terrible pirate name!” Lucky protested.
“He knows.” I giggled for a moment before returning to a serious expression and tone. “Look, we can’t kill him. I promised he could live… So what do we do?”
“That’s easy. We’re wizards.” The twins chorused.
“So you two have a plan?” I asked.
“We are transmuters and enchanters. People are assets, we should get them to help us.” Risky said in a flat tone.
I raised an eyebrow. That sounded suspiciously evil. “Assets how?”
“Well, he’s a pirate, an evil person. If we turned him over to the authorities he would be imprisoned to pay for his crimes.” Lucky said in an informative tone. “Between my sister and I, we could reform him magically. We turn a prisoner into a productive member of society. I’m sure he’s murdered plenty of people, karma would be cool with us reforming him.”
I shuffled my hooves on the deck nervously. “Brainwashing isn't really ethically-”
“It’s not brainwashing, it’s the same way Eragon defeated Galbatorix.” Risky said shaking her head. “What we do is cast a spell on him so he suddenly starts remembering all of the crimes he’s committed. Then we hit him with Unadulterated Loathing and set the other target also to him. Now he is filled with an incredible self loathing right after remembering all his evil deeds. He hasn’t seen us so he thinks he’s reflecting on his life on his own. At which point I show myself and offer a Helm of Opposite Alignment, saying we can’t let him go if he remains evil.”
Lucky took over speaking. “You simply force them to see their own evil, and hate the fact they are like that. We used it to take down an evil mage in a campaign once. Risky got the idea from the Inheritance Cycle. See, the helm will swap his alignment to to a good one, instant reformation!
“Then we offer him an alter self spell and permanency to change his appearance as well because we probably will install a lifelong hatred of his current identity. That’s normally where we would stop, but we want to make sure he doesn't tell anyone where we came from.”
Risky nodded and finished their proposal. “I’m improvising here, but we could hit him with Charm Person to make him friendly towards us and offer him a job. He’s charmed so he should say yes. We keep hitting him with charm person every day until we have a loyal follower made from a former enemy.”
“Um…” I gave the two a nervous smile. The entire plan had been said in the same way one might tell you how to make a bowl of cereal. I took a step back from them and cast see alignment.
To my incredible surprise the two weren't evil. Their auras were wibbly, gray-blue… What did that mean? “Ah! Chaotic neutral. Makes sense… Look um, that’s a bit morally-”
“He’s a pirate!” Lucky interrupted rolling her eyes.
Risky joined her sister in the eye roll then said to me in as serious a tone as she could manage. “Murderers, thieves, rapists; throw them in prison and what do you get? The innocent have to pay to keep them living. Eventually they are let out of prison, more angry than before and now with more criminal connections.
“Prisons are terrible ideas, and executions are a waste of a life. I mean, yes, violating free will like that is a bit evil, but we can turn an evil person good, and make them into an ally! It’s actually more morally sound than the alternatives, all of which directly cause more suffering.”
“Fuck.” I sighed and sat down on the deck. They were right. At least for the alignment shift part. “You’re right again. Alright… go ahead. But promise me one thing, you will only ever do this to people who are actually evil. I’m sure you know See Alignment.”
“We have all the core book spells actually.” Lucky informed. “On our sheets under items we wrote ‘All starting gold is used to purchase scrolls, one of each spell. We read them to learn the spells as part of our backstory.’”
Risky grinned, “It totally worked! Also we selected character traits to go with that. Technically as far as our sheets say, we graduated from an Arcane University with Doctorate equivalent certifications.”
I gave the two my best jealous glare. If I ever met the DMs in person, I would have a few choice complaints about the fairness of character creation. “I had to earn my class by bluff checking a Magus while on a mission to save a species from a slow death by securing vital resources.”
The twins grinned, “That’s awesome!”
“Zero level characters and creation via play is real fun.” Lucky sighed wistfully.
“Yeah you lucked out. Anypony can bamph out a good character, but hell you created one via your actions. I’ve heard you practicing your bard song, your stats are amazing!” Risky praised.
“You're just saying that to try to get in bed with me and so I’m not as jealous you got to pick.” I said with an angry huff.
They shook their heads. “No really. We just filled out a character sheets in a room. Earning class levels is way more cool. Though I am happy I get to throw magic around, it would have been much more like we wanted if we just appeared in a new magical land.”
I shook my head to clear it. Their stereo speech was a bit hard to follow. “Can you guys try not to say that much in unison? Please?”
“Sorry.” They chimed ears drooping.
“Yeah our life story would be cooler, but no complaints because well, wizard.” Risky said with a smile. “Oh, and if we wanted to sleep with you we would be pestering you about it constantly.”
“You have been pestering me about it constantly!” I said giving her a playful glare. It was hard to stay mad at them. Even if they were creepy sometimes, they were still pretty cute. Also pretty smart. I liked smart girls.
Lucky winked at me playfully. “Mhm, and until you give in, we’re content to flirt and stare at your butt, also your fun bits.”
That did it. For some weird reason being naked didn’t bother me, but that perv checking me out constantly definitely did. I turned around, marched over to the large wardrobe in the captain’s cabin and pulled it open. There had to be a big coat in there.
“Let’s get on with that identity, shall we?” I asked.
Sure enough, there was a rather fancy dark red long coat with silver trimmings and brass buttons hanging amongst several other similar coats, as well as a matching red cavalier's hat, minus the feather. That would do perfectly!
“You’re world is a mirror of this one right? I assume that everypony’s names are things like Pine Sap, Lucky Spin, and such?” I asked as I took the coat off the hanger and inspected it. It looked like it would fit, there were even slits in the back for wings.
“Yeah. I’m guessing Kaily means something in your own language right? Everypony’s name has meaning.” Risky asked.
“Yeah it means ‘princess’ in Hebrew, and ‘beauty’ in Greek.” I answered as I slipped the jacket on and tried to think of a good name for my alias.
There was a mirror on the inside of the wardrobe’s doors. I took a look at myself in it. The coat fit pretty well, not quite perfectly but I could tailor it easily enough, huzzah for cantrips. The real fun was the coat covered my flanks and butt, though the coattails did leave the parts under my tail uncovered, you would have to stand at specific angles to look at my cunt.
I glanced over my shoulder in the mirror and smiled as I saw the twins disappointed faces, ears drooping, heads hanging. “The coat comes off when you start expressing genuine affection, and I start to like you.”
Risky gave her sister a glare and a light smack to the back of her head. “You totally ruined a good thing!”
“Ow!” Lucky rubbed the back of her head. “You can still stare at mine you know.”
“Yeah, but both is better!” Risky grumbled, her ears laying back.
“If I could tell you apart I wouldn’t punish you both.” I teased, deciding to add insult to injury with a playful eye flutter…
Oh hell, who was I kidding? I liked them. Tess would be fine with it, but if this was going to happen they were going to have to earn me like I earned Tess.
Risky spun on her rear legs to show me a large scar on her right flank where a cutiemark would have been normally. “My scar’s on the right. Her’s is on the left! Can I enchant that so I it’s invisible to me? Please?” She begged. “I’m not crass enough to say what Lucky will to someone I’m not dating.”
Ah ha! They did have differences! I shook my head. “Nope. You guys are functionally one person, right?”
They nodded and Risky sighed sadly. She gave her sister an upset look, a look I gave Tess when she fucked up hard enough for me with withhold sex.
“Five whole hours? You can't even do that with Unseen Servant!” Lucky suddenly protested, a look of fake horror on her face.
“Book of Erotic Fantasy, page one twenty-two, second column, last paragraph. It’s a valid use of the spell.” Risky informed in a perfect lawyer impression.
“Do I even want to know?” I asked in concern.
“It’s nothing harmfull. Our agreed upon punishments for wronging the other involves our sex life and climax denial.” Risky informed.
“Yeah. We can’t actually be mean to each other. It’s like trying to make two positive magnets touch.” Lucky said her horrified expression vanishing instantly. “We pretend that is a horrible punishment and give a time which is proportional to how upset we are.”
“Five hours is pretty high on the scale.” Risky mumbled, clearly upset. Her ears were laid back in adorable anger.
I had to ask why she was so upset. I had a clue, but I wanted to know exactly. I didn’t want to ask with Lucky right there, but well, they never separated.
“Would you be willing to tell me why you are more upset than Lucky?” I asked.
Lucky sighed and nodded towards her sister. “She is more into romance then I am. We both would love a permanent third but have different reasons why.”
“Oh.” I frowned slightly.
Risky smiled softly. “We are unrepentant mega pervs, but we want to have at least one romantic partner. Lucky doesn't count for that in my opinion, but she feels that I count for that. So she wants a third for more fun, but I want someone to be around all the time that’s not me.
“So I was trying to be romantic as I can manage when faced with someone as good looking and interesting as you. Which is hard, because you’re really hot, so I want to be pervy.”
Now I felt bad. I knew how that felt. I decided to change the topic before I did anything stupid. “Okay. You guys are a piece of as-er, work. Back to figuring out an identity… Humm.”
I quickly put the cavalier's hat on, giggling at how adorable my ears looked poking through the slits in the hat’s cap and brim. As I caught sight of myself in the mirror I had an epiphany, I knew what my name had to be! The powers that Bard demanded it be not one syllable different. It was a glorious joke of a name!
I turned around and gave the twins my best serious face. “I am posing as a pirate captain, and will be dressed in a red wide brim hat and matching long coat. Our ship flies, and we are going to be forming a globe trotting organization. There will likely be a lot of plundering as we steal resources we need to save the world. From now until this is over, I am Stolen Ruby.”
“That’s not very good…” The Twins hissed apprehensively.
I laughed. “Oh, it’s actually an excellent name! You see, the specific shade of red a dark ruby has is called carmine. Stolen is a loose synonym for ‘supplant’ meaning to take or replace forcefully. In Spanish, the name Sandiego translates as ‘he who supplants’. If you reverse the name’s order and make it a name my species would have, it’s Carmen Sandiego, a fictional thief who I look a lot like in this outfit.”
The twins jaws dropped for a moment before they beamed me a pair of grins. “Yep! You’re a bard!” They laughed together.
“Also Ruby rhymes with my real name so it will be easier for me to get used to answering too.” I added.
The twins nodded.
“Good reasons.” Lucky said simply.
Risky nodded and turned to leave. “Well, we have a crewman to recruit. Oh! We will have to make him a mare to fit the whole ‘girls only crew’ thing.”
Lucky nodded. “Obviously. I’m sure we can figure out how to make her okay with that.”
The two left discussing plans for how to best reform our captive pirate. I still wasn’t fully comfortable with the idea, even though I understood it’s merits. I decided I would need to make sure they weren't making the poor guy a mind slave to be completely ok with it.
I quickly moved to the door to follow them. “Hey, I think I’ll watch you two work. Is that okay?”
They nodded. “Yeah.”
We moved from the captain’s cabin to the ship’s forward where we had Pine hogtied and stuffed into a crate with some planks missing to make an impromptu cage. It turned out the brig had a hidden escape route in it. There had been a minor escape incident.
Just before we walked into the room the twins stopped. Risky held up a hoof to indicate I should stop as well. She looked over her shoulder and whispered, “Be as quiet as you can. The plan will fail if she knows we are responsible for her feelings of remorse.”
I nodded and sat down to watch. As the twins began to prepare their spells, I prepared one of my own, I was going to be watching with more than just my eyes.
First I cast another See Alignment spell. Pine was lawful evil, so at least we were not doing this to a good person who simply had gone down a dark path, although, that alignment basically meant selfish greedy prick, not Hitler. Next, I cast a spell which would let me know exactly what spells the twins were using.
Then my conscious reared up and punched me right in the gut. What the fuck was I doing? Sure, forcing an alignment change on someone was justifiable. They had a point about prison systems. The rest though… that was pure evil. Magically forcing someone to behave a certain way simply couldn’t be justified. Not by any sane person.
No sane person… their panic at being separated, the way they behaved almost the same… They might have something seriously wrong with them!
I frowned and recalled my spell list, but there was nothing on it which would help. Maybe a knowledge check would work. I closed my eyes, and silently asked, ‘What is their deal? knowledge and sense motive checks to determine why they act this way.’
The familiar portal opened, the pink hood slid me a note, quicker than usual, and vanished. The twins were getting ready to cast their first spell. I ripped the note open with a hoof and quickly scanned its contents.
Their close bond with one another makes it hard for them to understand other people. Additionally, they were raised by a single inattentive parent in a slum, and because of their location they had few friends. None of whom stuck around for more than a few months as their own parents wouldn’t let them go to that part of town once they found out.
As a result of these factors, they don’t consider others feelings unless they like them. Combined with them seeking their mother’s attention as foals they take risks, and are reckless having learned that is the only way they would get any attention.
As for their mental state, they can’t handle separation because up until this point their only permanent friends have been one another.
We are fairly certain a real friend or loved one could help them correct their behavior.
I’m sorry. We missed this when we were looking for someone to help you. The last thing we wanted was moral conflicts.
“Shit.” I cursed under my breath.
“Girls, stop.” I ordered in my best authoritative tone.
They turned their heads to look at me. “Why? I something-”
“Yeah, the whole plan is. Look, how would you like it if someone forced you to hate each other?” I asked.
Risky blinked. “I don’t understand.”
“Yeah, I don’t know how that would even feel.” Lucky added.
“It’s unthinkable isn’t it?” I asked.
They nodded. Then paused and looked at each other. Lucky bit her lip and turned to face me. “We get your point. But, what else can we do? Killing him is wrong, if we let him go it would damage the image we are trying to make-”
I cut her off with a raised hoof. “I understand you girls think this is the best decision. Maybe it is. But we are not going to win over anyone if we just force people to do what we want. You two are thinking like wizards. You are powerful, you can do a lot of stuff on your own, but you need me. I can deal with people in ways you can’t. Especially since I am guessing you two don’t have much experience outside each other.”
“Well… no.” Risky conceded looking down at the deck seemingly a little ashamed.
“So then in our little trio, I’m the one to deal with people. We follow my lead, after all, I am the captain right?”
They nodded together. “You’re the captain.”
“Neither of us likes leading groups much. That was a crappy part of school.” Lucky admitted.
I gave them a nod, pushed my hat up a bit, and pointed to the forward’s doors. “As captain, I have decided that one guy saying things few will believe won't damage any of our plans much if at all. But, you two have a very good point about people. So I am going to talk to him. Open that door up.”
They quickly pulled the doors open. I gave them a nod to appear all ‘captainy’ to Pine as he had a good view of the doors, and trotted over to his crate. It was diplomacy check time.
“You have a pretty good taste in fashion.” I mentioned, hoping to break the ice.
“I prefer my fur. Those are simply items I liked from various raids.” He said after a few seconds of silence. “Be honest, you’re going back on our deal and making me walk the plank.”
“Nah.” I shook my head. “My friends actually wanted to see if you would like to work for us. You will be needing a new job since the ship’s ours now.”
“I’m pretty sure your sorcery makes crew irrelevant.” Pine said flatly.
“You would think so, but no.” Lucky admitted from the doorway. “I managed to get the thing to move on it’s own, and do things like raise and lower sails, but there’s a lot that the ship doesn't do itself. Cook, clean, manage supplies… also the spell could be disrupted in combat if we get hit really hard. Or if someone simply dispels the enchantment.”
I nodded, “She’s telling the truth there. Our magic is really specific. It does exactly as described, under the conditions described, and nothing more. So we need some crew, also we are on something of a mission. We could use help.”
Pine moved as if to speak, his ears laid back angrily, I could tell he was livid about being offered a cabin boy’s job on his own ship. But he didn't’ snap. Instead he took a deep breath and asked, “I’ll bite. What’s your job?”
“It’s a pretty important one. In fact it’s literally trying to save the world.” I sat down, gave him a moment to digest what I had said then proceeded to tell him everything.
I started with the fact that there was a big disaster coming, and that Tartarus was involved. I went over how there was a group of people known as ‘DMs’ who were using a powerful spell to grant others power in an attempt to stop the pending invasion. I went over my own story from start to finish, every detail from arriving here to my brush with death. Finally I told him about our plan to try and stop the invasion by spreading word about it and to recruit people willing to help us.
It took me at least an hour to tell the whole thing. By the time I had finished my throat was drier than I could ever remember it being. Pine was an attentive listener, the story had to sound nuts but he didn't laugh, or roll his eyes. He just sat there and listened, then stayed quiet long after I had stopped talking. He simply sat there, unreadable.
“That’s a tall tale.” He said at last. “Say I believed it. I’m a mercenary by trade and a citizen of the Griffon Kingdom by birth. What would I gain if I abandoned a job given by my country to help you?”
“A place in history, renown as a hero, a share of whatever magical gear we can make for our crew to use, and an equal share of any profits left after we pay expenses. Oh, and you know, a world left to do things in.” I replied in a casual tone.
“The fact you took the ship with magic proves at least part of your story is true.” Pine admitted. “A lot of it seems impossible, but it’s impossible for a pony that isn't a unicorn to cast spells, and she covered me in a hoof’s width of ice. A normal pony would say you are changelings, especially given your story, but I happen to know they can’t cast spells without a horn ether. So I’m inclined to believe you. There is always a catch to these speeches, I’ve given a lot of them myself. What’s yours?”
“Ah, yes, well…” I cleared my throat, covering my mouth with a hoof before saying in as serious a tone as I could manage, “You would need to swear a binding oath of loyalty, so I know you wont stab me in the back. Also only mares may serve on my ship, so you would have to agree to let them turn you into one.”
“You’re kidding me!” Pine sputtered.
“I’m quite serious. I have a theory about an arcane principle which if correct would mean a fully female crew would be more successful than an exclusively male or co-ed crew.” I thought it best to not let everypony know about tropes.
“You are not a mare! I can smell you know. So why should I have to be?” He protested, ears laying back.
Oh boy, diplomacy check time. “Yes it’s true that I happen to be a futanari, but we are a type of female. Sure, I’m not a mare, but I am still female.” I said carefully.
He frowned, ears returning to their normal expression. He was curious! Success!
“You said all female crew, does that mean I could be your gender?” He asked.
I looked back at the twins. “Can you manage that?”
“Yeah. Easily.” They answered.
“Huh… maybe we should make that the standard gender for the crew.” I mused. It would be hilarious to see Phee’s reaction if I came back from being disintegrated with a crew of cute herm pirates. "Yeah let's go with that." I decided. I had to see if she crashed from that little eventuality.
Risky blinked, grinned, and looked at her sister for a moment. Lucky rolled her eyes as they carried on a silent conversation I was personally glad I want a part of. I had to focus on the matter at hoof after all.
Pine bit his lip for a moment then shook his head. “This is just ridiculous! Why am I even thinking of joining you?”
“Because you know if we fail the world will probably go up in flames. Sure you can try to fight it on your own, but we would work better together. You know that’s true. You may be selfish, you may have no problem exploiting others for your personal gains, but you still see the value in law and order as well as civilized society. I think you will fight to protect it, even if that means you have to be a cute female.”
“Mares do have a lot of unfair advantages socially speaking.” Pine muttered to himself thoughtfully.
Risky cleared her throat, “My sister and I will change ourselves too, if it helps you feel better. Also we can change you back when everything’s over. If you’d like.”
I blinked in surprise, smiled at their empathy, then raised an eyebrow. “Are you just saying that because you think my gender’s hot?”
“Not completely. That’s a quarter of the reasoning though… But half of it is to help him, and the other part is well, because we can! It seems like an interesting experience.” Risky admitted with a giggle.
Oh well, at least they were seemingly making progress. “Baby steps Ka-er, Ruby. Baby steps.” I sighed.
Pine gave me a raised eyebrow. I grinned and offered a shrug, “That seems to just be who they are.”
“Alright. I’m in.” Pine sighed. “But I won't act like a mare just because I have one’s parts. This is cosmetic only!”
I nodded, “That’s fine. Before I untie you, let’s take care of that oath.”
I focused as hard as I could on reading Pine, silently keeping Sense Motive checks going.
“I swear to serve under your command loyalty for as long as you will have me.” Pine said. He meant it, I could tell, but I needed to be certain.
“And?” I prompted.
“And I won't harm you or any of your crew.” He continued. He still appeared to be telling the truth.
“Anything else?” I asked.
“I won't harm you directly or indirectly or allow harm to come to them should I be able to prevent it.” he finished.
Ether he was telling the truth and meant what he said, or he was a very good liar. Either way, I’d have the twins place wards and scrying spells on Pine to keep an eye on… well her. Heh. I think I was starting to understand Phoenix's sense of humor.
I nodded, stood up, stretched and turned to face Risky and Lucky with a smile. “That girls, is how you win someone over. Go ahead and get our new sister situated, I’ll be in our cabin.”
“Our cabin?” They asked, ears perking. Risky’s ears perked a good deal more, and I noticed a blush creep across her cheeks.
“Naturally! I’m a dread pirate, I have an image to establish… But for now it’s just an image. You two have a ways to go before it’s more than that.”
They nodded and trotted into the room as I walked out.
“Okay Pine, this will probably feel weird. We will do you first, then each other… Just FYI we are going to make ours temporary for now, so we will only have all the bits for a few hours. Call it a trial run.” Risky informed.
“Yeah permanency is expensive.” Lucky said with an irritated sigh. “Thank god duration spells last fifteen units longer for some reason.”
“We should have Ruby ask what other house rules there are. Maybe we could find an new exploit!” Risky said, putting an adorable amount of affectionate emphasis on my alias.
I shook my head, why did I always like the crazy ones?
The last thing I heard before I left hearing range was Pine’s sigh.
“I’m going to regret this so much…” the pegasus moaned.
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Ah, there it is. Enlarge, Abundant Amunition, and Unnatural Lust.
I dont think PCGen includes the Book Of Erotic Fantasy, although I have heard of it mentioned elsewhere, but the only other thing Ive seen is the homebrew character of hooker, which wouldnt be allowed as it has effective not just immortality but eternal youth at far less than L20.
The trouble I have with truely evil, and prisons, is that no matter what you do, theyve won, if you use whatever standards. Keep them locked up till they die, youve failed to get them to change themselves and they cause extreme resource and time wasteage. kill them, etc, Mindwipe, which is effedcctively killing the person but keeping the meat, let them go because you cant do anything too them. and if you dont feel remorse, mental anguish etc, they call you out on it and claim you are evil in return, therefore winning.
At least if they are not Chaotic Evil, you can work with them?
If the twins have gone through the items, how long before using the spell list, they actually write down or otherwise go through the complete core books and extended manuals, cross referenceing spell lists, abilities, straits, classes etc, to have common core spells, and optimum level spells for each class for selecting those that have little or no save and apparently weak effects? I had to look again to realise that Break is a Ranged spell. thats vicious.
Is there a spell that enhances material, that depends on the piece of material being associated, so like Ringworld, starting at one part of the ship, daily casting would see the ship steadily enhance, convert itself?
Now, how to give the ship a Someone Elses Problem field. Also, is the ship dead wood, or is any part of it still living? Is a golem living or non living for the various spell types?
If you cast Abundant Ammunition on the magazing of a gatling, or ammo drum of a Thomson, would the DM get verry annoyed at you?
Which rule to try and bend Mobius style next.
Uh oh, warm up your 'Plot Threads' tropes everyone, its gonna be a bumpy ride.
6007636
Which is weird as it's actually an officially licensed book. Also not all of the spells, rules, and other contents are purly sexual content. Hell some of the items are excellent for disguise, infiltration, and the like.
Hence the twin's opinion on "kill the evil one, but leave the meat useful".
Their plans are going to be more grand than that.
The ship will be enhanced yes, now that they have someone who knows how ships work with them.
An illusion spell will be better than a cloaking device or SEP field. Additionaly the ship is dead wood, which is good because fabricate and major creation can be used to do things like plate the hull and stuff. If the wood was living they would need a druid to mod the ship.
6007647 The crazy reactor has finally hit critical mass and is ready to output pure win.
I enjoyed seeing your Eragon reference as the books don't get as much attention as they deserve.
Also all that talk about tropes and moral compasses was very well executed. Not many writers can write moral conflicts as well as you have.
6007764 Thanks! It took a few rewrites before I could be sure the Twins didn't seem diabolic.
6007733
If they had a real techy, or if Phe likes it, I wonder if they could alter the carbon based wood of the hull surface at least, into graphene, by pointing out that carefully charring the wood charcoal and graphitises it, but you are using the spells to keep the carbon knitted together into a stable form.
Then you have the problem of findsing the spell thats equivalent a permanent optical lattice, structural integrity field, wallshield, giving you a general products hull.
As long as they remember about the antimatter problem.
Oh, that was it. If Phe is 6 Sol, that about 20 million tons a second, or the ability to pretty much manufacture a planetary biome in about a week. Call it 6 days, and on the 7th she can rest.
6007827 Oh no she expends far more energy on that last day. It's the "celebration".
I swear, this has got to be the dirtiest squeaky-clean story here.
6007864 There are NSFW additional parts in the works. I'm going to put them in a separate story.
6007988 I think you are in for many more such surprises. I'm pretty big into lampooning common tropes.
6008272 I'm glad you're liking it!
So, I'm curious...
Where in Equestria is Carmine Sandiago?
No, seriously. Where are they?
6008378 Here's my world map. (Took me a while to make it look presentable, sorry, it's still wip and kinda crappy.) North is the upper right hoof corner, sale is 1 px = 1 km^2.
http://i.imgur.com/AHTlbB9.jpg
They are currently in the gulf between the Crystal Empire and the Griffon kingdom, in the little square shaped inlet on the left side of the bay towards the bottem, 6 km north of the shore, 3 km up in the air.
6007636
I can't speak for every DM (though I'm fairly sure Meep's DMs here would grumble about it), but I personally really dislike rules jockeying and exploits. I'll deal with them if I need to, but I think things are more fun if it's more grounded. I would not be surprised if the recursive Tartarus loop that Discord and the five have set up is actually caused by the other DM(s), since the Tribunal have to have had at least one, in response to them bringing in people like the munchkin twins. (Yay, time loop mind-bending).
And Kaily almost dressed up as Captain Reynolds, seriously I would love some Firefly tropes and references... Maybe big damn heroes?
6008504 Nice to see you in the commants Tams!
6008519 This may be a crime, but I never saw Firefly. So I can't reference it.
Behold: Bards.
Heh
6008527 Bards, not so good in combat... untill they convince the entire city to go fight the Drow for them using an epic metal solo...
6008522 *heavy breathing* then you have to make up for that lost time.
Srsly, it's like pirates, western and sci-fi had a glorious baby. It fits perfectly, even a lot of the quotes.
Either you should get a DVD/BluRay for about 10 bucks on amazon or you look for a *cough* cheaper/free alternative. It's money well spent.
On a completely unrelated note; I hope they bring a female dragon on board. For fight-reasons and a bit of fun with the big, over-sized, female reptile. (No offence spike
)
Oh, and this Erik/Eirich the Red of the Griffin Kingdom will probably play a larger role late on, no? Be the big bad of the small arch? Liberate the Griffins and install a dictatorship? (They would hate democracy, with dictators you atleast know you are being surpressed)
6008591
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZsgNHquM
Sure! Find me a cute dragon girl to use as a reference. Im still making a crew roster for the Enterprise.
... Dose no one read the other stories in this AU? Here you go, he appears in this short:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/246052/the-luna-problem
i figured it out phoenix is gonna try and turn all the ponies futa
6008496 I shall dub that island beside Equestria, Vanderfell.
6009436 That's as good a name for it as any!
6009524
A good climax to a story.
6009752 It's your fault, giving Kaily the Morrowind intro. Is that about where they are, btw? Because if you gave her the Morrowing intro off the coast of Vanderfell, I'll die laughing.
6009786 Well, without too much of a spoiler...
Dusk = Azura, while Kaily/Ruby = The Nerevarine, and the town they are about to land at is... well... Seyda Neen, but on fire. Thus begins the second adventure arc. Meanwhile, the twins = The Avatar (1/2 each), Future Lyra = Lord Brittish, Equestria = Britania, and Genesis = The Guardian (without that bullshit backstory)... but the eight virtues are totally different. Oh and because Ultima is sadly Obscure, by The Avatar I mean "The Avatar is meant to be an example for everyone in Britannia of what could be accomplished if one but tried. This hero was never perfect, was never infallible, was only ever human, capable of both good and evil acts. "
6009822
This is going to get ridiculous...
I like ridiculous
6008521 =p Most of my comments end up going over Skype, Meeps, so I typically only end up commenting here if it's in response to someone else's comment. I figure you get enough of my harping on and pointing out little foibles while you're writing the chapter!
6009867 Let's start this off right. I'm just gonna take this...
ocremix.org/files/images/games/xbox/4/elder-scrolls-iii-morrowind-xbox-title-73940.jpg
and put it with this...
https://youtu.be/m-z3bRcZvdU?t=1m40s
There we go!
6009875 I know, but these are basically my snacks. (That's an inside joke people.)
The Dread Pirate Carmen Sandiego? Awesome. Poor Tess, though, it's probably going to be a while before she knows her wife is back from the dead. I suppose that'll give it extra narrative impact when they finally do show up.
Thank you Kaily for coming to your senses and stopping the mind rape before it began. Also it sounds like it's a really, really good thing that Kaily ended up as the captain in charge as opposed to the twins, they clearly need some proper management.
They have no idea how much she'll enjoy it.
6008619
Here's a pic you could work with.
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/111/8/7/87eaffdc821fc3306ce0ed526d0ce055-d4x4irr.png
I'm a nerd lite. As in not really in a lot of fandoms. Aside from Stargate and MLP, I've just got a bit of New Who in me. I've tried to really get into stuff but I'm oil and they are water. We never mix and it makes me sad. I even failed at being a gamer... seriously. Got Skyrim, XCom, Starcraft and Warhammer 40K and probably played 60 hours tops cumulatively (more in starcraft, but that's the occasional PvP with chatroom buds, not me playing on my own... never even touched the campaigns.) But... I kinda lost what my intended point was, but I'm working towards making this a lengthy and actually sensible comment...
I'll agree with a point Canary made weeks ago. I haven't found a lot of stories were the MCs are nerds/geeks (don't know what the difference between the two terms are...) and it's presented without it feeling forced or contrived. (I know he mentioned one of my stories in his comment, but I chat with my gamer friends and get the references from them.) Aside from the whole 'Federation Changelings' thing, you've integrated so many fandoms into this so well I only realize it from the comments most times. Even the federation changelings thing resolved itself nicely and was more just an 'eyebrow raise' reaction that cleared up to a 'Oh, I get it' one. Your story has been flowing remarkably well, your characters are well defined, your world established, your plot an intricate and beautiful combination of scifi and fantasy. I'll literally jealous of your storycrafting skills.
The only issue I've had with it so far is... well I suppose two. Futa isn't my favourite thing in the world, but that's a really minor issue. Futa's can be cute and Taylor is. The other is the tech supremacy. That one has nothing to do with you, and is honestly a common thing in scifi and particularly Star Trek (I might not have actually watched it [aside from a couple episodes of Enterprise and that one movie with Zefram Cochrane, First Contact I believe, but I've read a whole lot of the novels for TOS and Next Generation, and a couple Voyager. Not as much DS9. Wasn't a DS9 fan.]). I'm just more into biological, earth and social sciences than engineering, physics computer science and such. Scifi tends to be more 'shiny space tech and nanites! Woo!' and when they do bring in biosciences it's the weird stuff like zerg, tyranids and plagues of various zombie iterations. Slimy, creepy, looks like something you want to riddle with bullets and such. Earth sciences tend to be passing references to planet class (which the physics people make).
Mind you; I've got casual exposure to a lot of fandoms and stories and stuff (wikis are a marvelous thing when I'm curious about lore), but it's only casual. I might have missed lots of stuff, but whatever. It's a pet peeve. I still love shiny tech and nanites though. It just makes me feel bad that the Federation and most like it doesn't have fancy hyped positions for my interests aside from background characters that don't get much if any screen time. Okay... comment derailed again...
To bring it back on the rails; it also why I like your changeling shifting. It exploits the quirks of biology for the benefit of the user. References to animorphs is always nice. Been a while since I reread that series, actually... Should be kicking in my hard drive's secondary ebook library... might take a peak at them. And while on the topic of fanbases I actually know, your TFS references were gold.
I'm not sure if I should ship Dinky and Taylor yet, but I do ship Armoured and Phe. They are pretty cute together. Not sure making that 'see everyone as missing an organ' bug thing was right but you've built a world that supports it since the male chromosome is apparently withering away (a moment of silence for our endangered stallions).
As for the twins... Yeesh, those two... I've been D20 gaming and DMing for a while and love my DMPCs, but I can tell you I never play wizards. Too much of a hassle for me. I can't sit down on plot out a whole campaign. Since we run our games online, I set a few goal points, jot down motivations, world notes and such, then wing the rest. Wizards... don't wing well. I tend to go with the spontaneous casters or limited spell book classes like magus (if PF). The twins are the type of players I hate/love. When I play, I might end up optimizing a few points (Luna knows I wring my Mutants and Mastermind characters for as much PP and versatility and I can get from them), but I've never managed a totally optimized build.
Mind you, I know the basics of all the rules and have a good idea of where to check for answers to the point that most every other guy that tries to run a game turns to me whenever they have a question or issue (I'm a fast reader and researcher), but to come up with stuff like the twins did (and Kaily does)? Kudos to them.
Honestly though, it seems like all your characters have some non-standard quirk or psychological issue to them. Neither a yay nor nae, just an observation.
And since this is turning into one massive commentary on everything; Phe's outlook is interesting. Her hatred of humans is completely understandable, and damn if her last captain wasn't a vindictive bitch. It's really sad humans still had that 'shoot first' thing when they met the
Ancientsomniverse dwellers. And yeesh were those perfect beings heavy on the retaliation. But I especially love how Phe is willing to look past her hate and appreciate our cast for the individuals they are, rather than just their race. It's an healthy outlook.By the way; AGI's (um... did I get that right?) being born from modified women? That's weird, they are weird.
I think I had more to say, but I kinda forgot it. *shrugs* Remembered a whole bunch more anyway.
Jeeze this is long...maybe I should have made it a PM...
6010808 My god! That's adorable! *gives one a pirate hat*
6010810 Of all the comments I have known, his was the most... lengthy.
Paraphrased quote-joke out of the way, this made my day! Standby for a PM reply because well, half page of stuff there!
6010837
It would also be interesting to see how the Rarity-esque female dragon would get along with the pony Rarity.
That would be entertaining. Also, it looks like this story is getting split in a good way. Kinda did seem like both storys were diverging.
6013403 That makes two people who regonised the game. Huzah!
6014328 It takes you a while to read these. Buisy homelife or just not enjoyable?
6015529 "Footage is such a misnomer for enough data to recreate the entire scene using replicated matter. Unless you want a video rendition. I have lots of 'footage' of her. My security systems do cover the entire ship you know." - Phee
6015821 "I need to tap that." is a powerful motive for sure.
6016223 I have floaty orb camera bots cloaked following around everypony I think is cute. This is the result.
6016377 That may or may not be part of how I invent my characters...
Out of curiosity, what kid of weapons does phees hull carry?
6021250 Phee is not piloting a combat hull. She possesses a point defense system of coherent positron beam emitters (anti-electrons. Basically the beam turns the target into gamma rays and breaks apart it's molecular structure by destroying electrons, additionally this induces small scale anti-matter reactions), encamped mass drivers for launching solid projectiles (because if moving at warp laser weapons are useless. FTL combat requires FTL weapons), and can construct then teleport warheads to a target (but that's not design, that's something she worked out).
While not a weapon per say, Phee dose carry a massive array of mining equipment, which is primarily three large laser arrays meant to cut apart asteroids, and a smaller array of devices which convert that mater into energy and store it for later use. The mining lasers are not really viable combat weapons as they take a long time to charge and fire. But if they do manage to get a shot of, and it hit your ship, you wouldn't have a ship anymore. Think of the mining array like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vV0x4XHdbyc
Ahh that makes sense
6021362 She's a constructor/terminating vessel. She really only has the weapons needed to prevent her destruction. If she needs to destroy something, she just makes a few frigates and remote controls them.
6021462 They are meant to be a bit creepy.
6021778 Ah I see. Moms, the bane of fun everywhere. Sorry dude.