You've been invited to Pinkies sleepover, who the fuck knows why. But Sunset Shimmer's gonna be there, her and the main six are gonna give you a small little gift from her.
So second chapter... is good a few awkward moments but still goin strong. Just expected a little more to this chapter. Also "You wanna play a game?" Twilight said suddenly as the Saw them comes on. (This is what I was thinking after reading that sentence.)
Well, this is the Mane 6 we're talking about. Surely nothing bad will happe- oh, wait. They're the HUmane 6. Now it's time for me to be worried... nah.
Oh god, I hate truth or dare so much, mostly because I'm too nice to come up with something embarrassing to ask usually, or anything really!
Again,the story isn't bad, it's short and kinda funny, but again I spotted minor errors(I'm terrible sorry but my English teacher is turning me into a grammar nazi and I recently started to write my own story so my proofreaders are nagging at me XD)
You look at your watch
Right here you put an extra space between "look" and "at". Personally I have no issue with this, I just thought I should mention it while I'm doing this.
You look at Sunset Shimmer, she looks at you right back while everyone els is still laughing and giggling at their conversations that you hate to be in.
You misspelled else as els, a minor and common mistake.
You pull up into Pinkies drive way
Right here I believe you need to add an apostrophe at the end of Pinkies, (like this: Pinkies') since she and her family owns it, there were a few more that might need apostrophes, but I'll be honest here. I get confused on when to use them a lot of the time.
I dont get why is so worried about literally everything
Or, kissing another dude
At what point will he realise he is the only dude Playing truth or dare with 7 girls means any kiss dares are a guaranteed win, Most guys would kill to be in his position.
You know their planning something, you just can't put your finger on it can you?
Im not really connecting with the character. Hes blind to the world, Scared of girls, says the word "brutal" as if its the 90s and listening to music through headphones while hanging out with friends is pretty rude.
Im still enjoying this but there is room for improvement
The OC is nervous and shy. So a beta-male. Forget popularity and insecurities, whatever happened to the days back when guys had a backbone and did whatever it took to make sure that if anyone messed with them, they never would again? What happened to people telling others exactly how they'd feel about doing something that they don't want to do? Whatever happened to guys being excited to going over to a girls sleepover instead of cowering like a bitch? I can't even begin to describe how utterly revolted I am with this male protagonist. Sure he's nice, but if someone treats him poorly, he doesn't seem like the type of guy to beat his aggressor badly enough to render him or her unable to move or promise death if he or she crosses him again? It's like he has no pride whatsoever. Calling this guy pathetic would be an insult to pathetic people. I just...I can't. I'd say that this hurts to read if pain wasn't beneath me. I'm out.
Well be happy I don’t write stories anymore, buddy. Yes, I’m no longer proud of this story, at all. I was a bit young when I wrote it. Now I feel absolutely embarrassed looking back at all of this. So yeah, glad you at least think that. Least that’ll drown that pain away, won’t it? Sure it will, just take some pain pills and just wish it’ll all go away when in the end, they really won’t.
So second chapter... is good a few awkward moments but still goin strong. Just expected a little more to this chapter. Also "You wanna play a game?" Twilight said suddenly as the Saw them comes on. (This is what I was thinking after reading that sentence.)
Well, this is the Mane 6 we're talking about. Surely nothing bad will happe- oh, wait. They're the HUmane 6. Now it's time for me to be worried... nah.
Oh god, I hate truth or dare so much, mostly because I'm too nice to come up with something embarrassing to ask usually, or anything really!
Again,the story isn't bad, it's short and kinda funny, but again I spotted minor errors(I'm terrible sorry but my English teacher is turning me into a grammar nazi and I recently started to write my own story so my proofreaders are nagging at me XD)
Right here you put an extra space between "look" and "at". Personally I have no issue with this, I just thought I should mention it while I'm doing this.
You misspelled else as els, a minor and common mistake.
Right here I believe you need to add an apostrophe at the end of Pinkies, (like this: Pinkies') since she and her family owns it, there were a few more that might need apostrophes, but I'll be honest here. I get confused on when to use them a lot of the time.
Anyhow, have fun writing!
I dont get why is so worried about literally everything
At what point will he realise he is the only dude
Playing truth or dare with 7 girls means any kiss dares are a guaranteed win, Most guys would kill to be in his position.
Im not really connecting with the character. Hes blind to the world, Scared of girls, says the word "brutal" as if its the 90s and listening to music through headphones while hanging out with friends is pretty rude.
Im still enjoying this but there is room for improvement
Truth or dare with Equestrian Girls, sounds like a win-win situation to me.
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Especially if it involves 👉👌
Why would you join a game you hate?
The OC is nervous and shy. So a beta-male. Forget popularity and insecurities, whatever happened to the days back when guys had a backbone and did whatever it took to make sure that if anyone messed with them, they never would again? What happened to people telling others exactly how they'd feel about doing something that they don't want to do? Whatever happened to guys being excited to going over to a girls sleepover instead of cowering like a bitch? I can't even begin to describe how utterly revolted I am with this male protagonist. Sure he's nice, but if someone treats him poorly, he doesn't seem like the type of guy to beat his aggressor badly enough to render him or her unable to move or promise death if he or she crosses him again? It's like he has no pride whatsoever. Calling this guy pathetic would be an insult to pathetic people. I just...I can't. I'd say that this hurts to read if pain wasn't beneath me. I'm out.
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Well be happy I don’t write stories anymore, buddy. Yes, I’m no longer proud of this story, at all. I was a bit young when I wrote it. Now I feel absolutely embarrassed looking back at all of this. So yeah, glad you at least think that. Least that’ll drown that pain away, won’t it? Sure it will, just take some pain pills and just wish it’ll all go away when in the end, they really won’t.