• Member Since 24th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen Wednesday

Brony_Headbanger


Metal music, guitars, and model electric trains. Rainbow Dash is best pony!

Comments ( 89 )

Wat no ew I do not want.

Ok maybe a little! :twilightsheepish:

A slight error in the summary can go a long way at making someone not read your story. You should fix this real quick: Sunset Simmer eversince.

Anyways onto the review! So at the start the pacing was a little quick but not too quick for me to fall off the story, the hook which is the invitation to the party is a pretty damn good hook because now itching to read the next chapter!

So in the end the first chapter is a good one, it gets the readers attention and makes the reader what will ahppen next. Exactly wat i'm gonna go find out.

(Is it weird that i'm a boy and I want to go to a sleepover were girls would paint my nails and do makeup?)

So second chapter... is good a few awkward moments but still goin strong. Just expected a little more to this chapter. Also "You wanna play a game?" Twilight said suddenly as the Saw them comes on. (This is what I was thinking after reading that sentence.)

Well this was or rather felt a bit rushed. I'm used to a little more build up on the actual sex parts but this was... quick. The sexual bits (And I do mean bits.) Were good but I wished they would last a bit longer, but alas there pretty quick. Oh well.

In total this fic was... okay. Some parts could use a little more filler I guess, I know the mods don't like padding or filler but this story could use some. Better to have some filler rather than none I say. You should continue to work on this and fix it up, I know you can do it I believe in you.

Now have a nice day.
Sincerely: Ernest

There's a few short comings and it was short. also. but other than that, it was great! :pinkiehappy:

Judging by the descriptions of all of your fics, this "you" guy gets laid a lot.

Okay it is clear you took your time on this one.

Well, this should be fun.

Well, this is the Mane 6 we're talking about. Surely nothing bad will happe- oh, wait. They're the HUmane 6. Now it's time for me to be worried... nah.

Well... that escalated quickly.
But, I can't say I didn't enjoy it. Mostly because it was Sunset. It certainly was a magical time.

Plus I play guitar and love rock and metal music. What a coincidence!

MAKE A PART TWO! I greatly enjoyed it

i could sworn i saw you post a new chapter

5328724 Yes I agree. It states in the feed that "Life Rocks The House Down" was added. Now I want to see it.

5329406

i think he deleted because i already set my option soo i can see any mature content fanfiction

Dude, where's the next chapter I got a notification saying u posted it

Yeah. Sorry about that guys. When you read it, even when it's still up there. You guys probably wouldn't like it, because I messed up big time on it, and I was getting it done before school started back. So yeah. I'm really sorry I disappointed in you all, so I'll make it up to you. Some time this week. I'll put up a new chapter to see what I can come up with. I promise, I hope it'll be good. Like I said, I'm really sorry I disappointed in you guys. Forgive me?:fluttercry:

It's good, could be a bit more descriptive in the sex but overall not that bad

You should go get yourself an editor. I'm not saying that you're horrible, no! Far from it. I'm just saying that this story could be a notch or two higher than it currently is.

So, was it all just a set-up?

Your story isn't bad but I noticed a minor incorrect use of certain word twice.

You're sitting at a lunch table buy yourself
"Well I was just coming down here to see what were you doing sitting here all buy yourself."

I think you meant by instead of buy. Because I'm pretty sure you can't buy a lunch table......right? Right?!

Actually wait, Pinkie is here so that means anything could happen. :twilightsheepish:

Oh god, I hate truth or dare so much, mostly because I'm too nice to come up with something embarrassing to ask usually, or anything really! :facehoof:

Again,the story isn't bad, it's short and kinda funny, but again I spotted minor errors(I'm terrible sorry but my English teacher is turning me into a grammar nazi and I recently started to write my own story so my proofreaders are nagging at me XD)

You look at your watch

Right here you put an extra space between "look" and "at". Personally I have no issue with this, I just thought I should mention it while I'm doing this.

You look at Sunset Shimmer, she looks at you right back while everyone els is still laughing and giggling at their conversations that you hate to be in.

You misspelled else as els, a minor and common mistake.

You pull up into Pinkies drive way

Right here I believe you need to add an apostrophe at the end of Pinkies, (like this: Pinkies') since she and her family owns it, there were a few more that might need apostrophes, but I'll be honest here. I get confused on when to use them a lot of the time.:applejackconfused:

Anyhow, have fun writing!

5387770

Nope. Theres gonna be more, though it may take a while since that I'm starting to run low on ideas. So yeah.

5387502

Thanks for that man. I'll fix' em.:scootangel:

A quick correction.

and she takes you dick in her mouth as much as she can. You sream in pleasure, and tilt your head back, teeth clinched and now hissing through

... and she takes your dick in her mouth as much as she can. You scream in pleasure, and tilt your head back, teeth clenched and now hissing through.

Some misspelling here and there, and a misused word. Again, I highly suggest an editor. I'm not saying that you're terrible, I'm just saying that this could be much better.

Keep the efforts up!

Might I add: some sentences here would sound a lot better if you rephrased them.

There were a few grammatical issues, but overall this story grabbed my attention and i had a real blast reading it.

Most Excellent.

Some more corrections:

"Mmm he does, I won't more."
"Theres platy more where that came from."aquote]

Mmm he does, I want more.
There's plenty more where that came from.

I may have missed some, though.

And like most other people here, I wish for more content!

5396567

Yeah, sometimes my fingers don't like to write. :fluttercry: My fingers be hating on words.

Dan

Even though they're transformed ponies and maybe not biologically compatible with real humans, USE PROTECTION, KID!

Who the fuck has an MP3 Player anymore?

It's not a bad story (as shown by it's ratings and views) but there is still a number of grammar errors and/or incorrect use of a word.

Your thoughts were interrupted buy a door opening, you're in Sunsets room.

I don't think we'd buy a door to make it open so it interrupts our thoughts, but I think we'd be interrupted by a door opening yes?

There are a bit more, but it's Christmas Eve (or whichever holiday you celebrate) so I don't want to make you bored on this fine day. Though might I recommend getting a proofreader as a precaution for future chapters and stories? (They DO tend to save stories from possible grammar/punctuation disaster, if they're good proofreaders...)

Marry Christmas Eve/Hearts Warming Eve

Wow. I never knew that Sunset Shimmer was such a slut. I mean she wants to have sex with this man ALL THE TIME.
Also.

Daryle

Daryle?
Daryle?!?!
HOW DARE YOU SPELL DARYL DIXON'S NAME WRONG!! DIE IN A HOLE YOU UNHOLY SPAWN OF SATAN!!
I'm just kidding. Great story, love it. :yay:

Oh god, this is... turning you on, is it?

Of course it is. EVERY guy loves a little lesbo action
:yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay:

5456927

I'm sorry. Don't be mad. Please. Sometimes I'm not a good speller. :fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry:

I like it. :twilightsmile:
There are some punctuation errors but its still good.

The one thing that really doesn't make sense is, Why the fuck is a teen aged boy so terrified of the idea of being the only guy at a sleep over with 7 girls, Most guys would sell their soul for an opportunity like that.

5459921

That's a good question. It's usually because of all the stuff the girls can do to him, like say... giving him a make over, or paint his finger nails pink-ish. Something like that. I know it'll be amazing to be at a girls sleep over. But this idea came to me. :twilightsmile:

I dont get why is so worried about literally everything

Or, kissing another dude

At what point will he realise he is the only dude :facehoof:
Playing truth or dare with 7 girls means any kiss dares are a guaranteed win, Most guys would kill to be in his position.

You know their planning something, you just can't put your finger on it can you?

Im not really connecting with the character. Hes blind to the world, Scared of girls, says the word "brutal" as if its the 90s and listening to music through headphones while hanging out with friends is pretty rude.

Im still enjoying this but there is room for improvement

you than think about last night with Sunset

You needs a capital letter
than should be then

who is it again? Oh yeah, Sunset Shimmer.

This is just out of place and unnecessary

She looks at you as she's trurling her hair with

*twirling

"So, you don't mind Twilight hanging with us for a while don't you?"

That should be do not don't

Than your fingers

than they lock lips

Than they both start to strip you

than Sunset joins in all the fun

Than she gets back to work, well they both do. Than

Than you finally release,

than slows down as your empty

You need to change than to then in all of these.

Overall review Its pretty good, I did enjoy it. :twilightsmile:

The ending does seem very sudden, It feels like the party is just getting started and thats the end It feels like it could use a follow up chapter explaining if he ends up in a 3 way relationship with both of them or does he end up with just sunset?

The spelling is a little rough in some places but I have seen worse. Get someone to edit this and polish it up a little and it could be very popular. :twilightsmile:

5460250

Yeah. Everytime I look at my feed it'll say so and so had added this story to their favorites. It's one of my most popular out of all the ones I've wrote. And btw, the word "Brutal" is what you say if you listen to metal. Metal is like my thing, and my little pony. Heh, I get carried away with that type of music when I write stories. LOL. :twilightsheepish:

well the spelling is hanging out the window, but what the hell, good story:pinkiehappy:

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