Phantom Debut *edited*
Through the shadows a bipedal creature wearing a black outfit and some ragged shoes, covering his head was a ragged hood mixed with many dark colored leather, a leather pouch on his hip, and a black cape draped over his left shoulder was walking on the rooftop of one of the Canterlot buildings. His piercing icy blue eyes scanning his surrounding watching every noble pony passing by from their get together, parties, or social gatherings. The creature backed up and started to leave the area till he heard some noise from the alleyway between the buildings he is on and the one next door.
"Hum?" the creature’s attention diverted in the direction the noise came from.
He walked over and looked down and saw a trio of ponies on was searching through the garbage while the other two which both were female were laying against the wall across. One was a mother with a filly next to her cuddling her mother who was wearing a long robe. The creature noticed a small movement in the robe and the mother removed the top showing another young filly who was sleeping. The wife smiled at it and the other pony seeming to be the father turned around and smiled at the young one and nuzzling it with his face and smiled towards his wife who in return smiled at him. They all nuzzled together for warmth with each other. The creature looks at them feeling a sense of longing at seeing the family so close together despite the circumstances they are in.
He notices the figures of the family as it seems like they hadn't eaten for a while as the father seems quite worn and thin, and the mother looking tired, the creature then heard a rumbling noise and saw that the filly was shaking and nuzzled further into her mother’s robe and the father frowned seeming to be growing concerned for his families weakened state. The creature moves back and stands there for a few seconds till his hidden eyes gazed upwards and gazes at the royal castle with the sun beginning to set behind the castle giving it a glowing state. The creature looks back at the family below once more and steps back a few steps and runs across the rooftop and onto the next one over and continues this way making his way to the castle.
In the Canterlot castle in the royal throne room Celestia was going throughout the day doing her royal duties to answer her little ponies’ requests and seeing if it's something to take into account or not while maintaining her control over the sun for its final click till the evening moon for Luna to take over.
An earth pony was standing with a brown fur and brown mane asking princess Celestia who was sitting on her royal throne with a loving gaze and motherly smile "Princess Celestia if it would be alright would it be possible for Cloudsdale to provide more rain for our village in the southern region? We have been having a dry season and not many rain clouds were near the village. We would be very grateful if you could send some clouds to the village to help us make some rain for our crops to grow."
"Of course my little pony I will request Cloudsdale to provide the rain clouds your village will need to give plenty of water to the fields and citizens that reside there. You must have come a long way from your village." Celestia gazed at the stallion with a warm motherly smile and shifted her gaze towards the guards standing on each side of her throne.
"Guards please escort this gentle colt to the dining hall and provide him with the necessary supplies for his journey back, and guide him to one of the castle guest rooms I’m sure the trip from his homeland to Canterlot must have made him exhausted.” The guard nodded and trotted towards the stallion who was surprised at the generosity and kindness from their princess.
"Princess there is no need for you to-" the Stallion was saying till he was interrupted by Celestia who still had her motherly smile on.
"Nonsense my subjects are my pride and joy of seeing a strong and peaceful nation and I will make sure to care for all of them as their leader and princess. I assure you that it is no trouble for our staff or me so please take what you need for your trip back, get some well-deserved rest, and return to your family and friends in the morning. I must commend you for your courage to travel all this way from your homeland to Canterlot to ensure the condition of your village. I am certain that your fellow pony villagers are proud to have a brave stallion such as you as one of their own.” Princess Celestia said with a warm smile and caring eyes and the Stallion was still surprised and bowed to her saying
"Thank you so much your Highness. Truly your kindness and generosity knows no bounds." He was then escorted out with the guards and left for the supplies for his trip back home and his sleeping quarters for tonight.
Celestia sees her subject leave the throne room and another guard approaches her. "Your highness that is the last of your visitors for today."
Celestia looks at the guard with a warm smile and said "Thank you for telling me this." She then sit's up and then starts walking down from her throne and through the hallway door. As soon as she left the door she was followed by two guards who were stationed outside of the royal room on each of her sides. "I look forward to a little snack with Luna after a day's worth of royal duties." Celestia said as she walks down the hall towards the dining hall.
The creature from before arrives at the foot of the castle wall separating the castle from the city. He hides around the corner of the wall and peeks out towards the front of the castle entrance and sees two stoic guards there looking straight ahead into nothingness. He then looks upwards and notices a couple Pegasus guards were guarding the upper walls and a few more guards were flying in the sky as well scanning the surrounding area. The creature looks towards the wall and he bends over and slides his hand scraping off dirt and picks up quite a large rock and stuffed it into his pocket. From there he removed some brown leather gloves with a small hole on the top of it and slight square box on the side of his left wrist, and a similar feature to his right gloves as well, on both gloves a small pouch is seen on the palm of both hands, and seemingly odd patterns on the finger tips making them cling to the wall and he puts them on. He tugs them making sure they are secure before making his way up the wall with the sticky fingertip patterns and scales the wall and holding onto sticking out rocks when available. When he reaches the top he then hangs on his left arm sticking his right into his pocket and takes out the rock he had before. He observes the guards pattern and then when he felt it right he tosses it to the farther corner of the wall and hits the side of the wall and it landed in a bush catching the guard’s attention and dragging in more guards to the scene. The creature took the chance and infiltrated the castle while the guards are distracted and he jumps over the wall and then scales the wall downwards and then he jumps onto the ground and hiding in the shadow's to avoid attention as he stalks his surrounding area he smells something tasty and something sweet as well. He then looks around and starts to stalk towards the smell.
Soon Princess Celestia came into the dining hall where it was all in glorious splendor with plenty of lighting and a long royal table with her sister Princess Luna at the other side of the table. Princess Luna notices her sister's presence and smiles her way as Celestia approaches Luna wearing her own smile. Celestia stops at the other side of the table and motions her guards to leave her side to which they bowed and walked back to the front of the dining hall door.
Celestia looks towards her sister and asks "So did you enjoy your morning rest Luna?"
Luna responded with a smile "oh yes we are fully rested and are prepared for the evening royal duties that will call for us tonight."
Celestia giggles slightly and smiles "Well I am glad to see you are ready, I'm sure our little snack will be sure to help you out once it arrives." Luna giggles slightly as well before saying.
"Little snack? Dear sister you consume a 3 layered sponge cake with plenty of butterscotch cream and fruits and you call that a 'Little Snack'?" Celestia frowns nervously as she looks to the side with blushes on her side cheeks.
"So I enjoy cake leave me alone." Luna laughs at her sister's nervous expression and they continued their chat as they await their sweet snack that will soon come.
As the creature was stalking through the garden he soon comes across an open window. He sniffs the air and smells something delicious coming from it. He sneaks to the edge of the window, jumps to the ledge and peaks inside. As he scans the room’s surrounding he was surprised to see a Griffon baking there instead of a pony and then saw double layered sponge cake with many decorations on it and he was surprised by the sheer size of it as it reaches to half his height. He then notices a tray of perfectly shaped kitten brownies on the side steam slightly signifying it was freshly baked. The chef wasn't looking and the creature slipped in through the window and hid behind a sack of potatoes in the corner of the room. He observes the chef making final preparations to the cake by adding some sprinkles to the cake and adding detailed frosting to the brownies. He then covered them with silver covers and he placed them on a cart that was near the creature. The Chef turned around seemingly going towards the fridge and the creature took this chance he had. He sneaked silently towards the trays and lifted the smaller lid and saw the brownies still pristine and steaming with detailed frosting art. He took the brownies from the tray and popped the lid back on and hid in his corner before the chef saw him. The chef came back with fresh milk and black tea. He placed them down before he noticed the smell of his brownies.
The Chef sniffed the air "That's odd why do I still smell the brownies?" He looked at the lid and wanted to lift it but he saw the clock and knew he must hurry. He shook of his suspicion and started to walk towards the dining hall with the refreshment and one dessert and one empty tray in tow. The creature sighed in relief as he started sneaking towards the window and got out and landed below and hid behind a brush. He surveyed the area and started to sneak his way through the guards. When he reached the garden edge he noticed different guards and it seems the day guard’s left and new night guards came in. He noticed their patterns are different and he had to take extra precaution. He sneaked and weaved through shrubs and surveying the area before he moves to ensure he doesn't get caught.
Celestia still continued her talk with Luna till they noticed the Griffon chef came in with the food cart and the two dome platters one larger than the other. The griffon speaking in a heavy French accent presented the dishes along with the refreshment. "For you your majesties I have prepared a lighter but tastier dish for you this lovely evening." The Griffon grabbed the larger of the two platters and placed it in front of Celestia as she waited hungrily for her evening snack. The Griffon lifted the dish and presented the double layered sponge cake with plenty of sugar syrup coated fruit and plenty of butterscotch cream covering the entire cake.
"For you Princess Celestia I have prepared for you a sponge cake that is much thicker in taste and is light on the tongue with plenty of fruit sugar coated with the sugar syrup for the cake to shine as bright as the morning sun you shine on Equestria. As for the refreshment we have a freshly prepared Black tea to compliment the sweetness of the sponge cake and it was imported Trottingham just early this morning." The Griffon said as he pours a fresh cup of Black tea for Celestia and places it next to her cake which she hungrily sighted. She turned around and thanked the griffon.
"Thank you for this lovely evening snack Gustave. It even smells amazing."
Gustave bowed and accepted her compliment "but of course only the finest for our fair rulers." Gustave went back and picked the other platter seeming much lighter than he felt before but he shakes it off as nothing’s wrong. He places the dish in front of Princess Luna who also looks at it hungrily. Gustave then unveils the dish for her "And for the Lovely Princess Luna I present to you a set of caramel pretzel brownies designed with...!" Gustave was in shock when he looked at the empty plate below him and Luna was just as equally as shocked as she stared at the empty plate presented in front of her. She becomes irritated narrows her eyes towards Gustave who was visibly sweating and confused as to what has just transpired.
Luna said "Gustave explain as to why thou have presented an empty plate to us?" Luna stern with her voice which makes Gustave lock up his body as he hesitantly looks at Luna's piercing eyes.
Gustave was very nervous and confused as he speaks "I don't know, I can assure you I have placed your evening snack on this very plate and even covered it with my own two griffon eyes. How?...!!!" Gustave than remembers that despite the covering being closed he could still smell the aroma of the brownies he thinks back to when he was in the kitchen and then realizes what could have possibly happened.
During that time Gustave was presenting the dishes for the princesses the creature was shadowing past the new guards but it was extremely difficult as these guards are more cautious as the previous guards before and the brownies seem to give his position way fast so he has to move quickly from his previous position to another. He soon came across the same wall as before and notices that there were more guards there and he knew that he won't make it through like before. He turns back and sneaks through the guards again and returns to the kitchen from before. As he enters the kitchen once more he notices that the brownies are starting to lose their warmth. He grabs a cloth and wraps the brownies in it to prevent it from getting any colder. As he scavenges the kitchen for anything else he notices a jug of water near the fridge, he pulls out a leather canteen he had with him and fills it to the brim. He spots a loaf of fresh wheat baguettes bread on the counter, he takes out a small scrap metal knife and takes a small slice of bread and puts it in his pouch. He then spots another cloth and wraps it around his face to prevent his identity being fully exposed. He approaches the door and then peeks out for any guards that may be around and saw none and then he came out and started walking towards the end of the hall as he approaches the door he notices noise coming from it and stops to listen in on it.
Gustave then turns back to Luna "I think we have a food thief on the castle ground." Luna looks at him with squinted eyes.
"What is your proof to back this claim of yours?” Luna asks Gustave while Celestia watches intently as she has yet to take a bite of her cake or even a sip of tea. She is just as curious as to what made Gustave claim there being a thief in the castle.
Celestia speaks "I'm fairly certain that our castle guards would have noticed a thief come into the castle and the night guards are now in position meaning our security would be much tighter than in the day since our night guards are more attuned to the night and are more sensitive to sound then the day guard."
Gustave than speaks to Celestia with a more higher tone of panic "But I'm certain there must be one I swear on my pride as a chef that I have placed those brownies for her highness princess Luna on that plate. I took my eyes off of it for only one minute to gather the refreshments." Luna then thinks hard as she speaks her opinion.
"It is a very slim possibility. A skilled thief could sneak and take their target items quite swiftly and silently... if there were any skilled thieves around. We haven't have many thievery at all in Canterlot and those that do are mostly commoners scourging for food for their families and we even provide free food for our poor subjects three times every week to ensure that we can attend to all our citizens even the most poorest of them we can't ensure plenty enough for everyone but most of them should be well fed. Even if they resort to thievery stealth isn't exactly the most suited for us ponies as our hooves make quite loud noises." Luna pointed out pointing out her own hooves emphasizing her point. “The only kinds who can pull off being a thief are the Griffons and Diamond dogs but there hasn’t been any of them around Canterlot for years with the exception of you Gustave.”
Gustave began sweating as he utterly doesn't have any more claims to back him up other than the aroma. Then he stops as he smells something it's faint but he smells his brownies "What?" Luna is confused at Gustave's behavior.
"Are thou alight?" Luna asks but Gustave doesn't respond as he makes his way to the front door.
The creature notices the noise coming towards the door and scales the wall jumps up and tries to hide on the ceiling and crawls his way to the other way to prevent being spotted. Gustave comes out the door and sniffs the air. Celestia and Luna followed and watches as Gustave sniffs the air with his eyes closed to concentrate on the smell more. Gustave starts to pinpoint the smell and when he opens his eyes he sees the creature still on the ceiling getting away. Gustave practically shouted "There he is!!!" pointing with his claws and Luna and Celestia looked in the direction and saw the creature falling after hearing the shout and started running quickly.
They were both surprised at this new creature and they quickly composed themselves and Luna said "Thou shall not escape with my snack!" Luna points her horn at the creature running figure and shot out a magical burst of magic. The creature turns at the sound and spotted the incoming magic and yet remained composed. Luna was confused as to why the creature isn’t dodging her magic, she was shocked when she saw why. The creature extended his hands and let the magic hit but instead of discharging it was nullified and the magic disappeared. Luna, Gustave, and Celestia were surprised with what this creature has just done. Still in their state of shock they failed to notice the creature still running.
Gustave told Celestia "We must warn the guards" Celestia nodded her head and she used her magic to telepathically tell all the guards of their location and the thief that was in the castle presence.
The guards came in and the creature was dodging and weaving through the guards around the corner he soon meets five guards who were blocking his path and he saw a chance. The creature ran charging towards the raised spears. The guards were waiting for him but next the creature turned and did a back flip kicking down a spear of a guard and landing on it and then he tornado kicks the guard in the face and using the guards face as a leverage he jumps out of harm’s way and lands on the other side of the guards and continues running down the hall.
The guards were surprised at the creature’s abilities and so were the princesses but they noticed he was getting away and weren't allowing a thief to run especially Luna who wasn't going to let a thief run off with her snacks. The creature soon came across another set of guards both appeared on one side and another on his other side. They were trying to pincer him and they charged towards each other and at the last moment the creature jumped up and the guards stopped before they collided with each other but weren't successful with the split kick that the creature smashed on both their muzzles.
The guards fell and the creature landed and continued his way out of the castle and saw yet another guard which was a Pegasus flying towards him with his spear and the creature ran straight ahead charging the guard at the moment before impact the creature did a forward flip using his first kick to knock out the spear in the guards hand and uses his second kick to kick him in the chin which connected and the guard plummeted down to the floor and the creature continued on.
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=guXVBL1sjKQ]
(move to 1:05 to see the move)
The princesses were surprised so many guards falling and the creature still running on. Luna looks at her sister Celestia and asks "Sister do you know what that creature is?"
Celestia was just as confused as Luna was as she herself doesn't know "I'm sorry but I don't know I never witnessed a creature like that before." Celestia in her mind thinks "But just where did this creature come from?" Gustave was not present as he stayed behind to ensure that the thief didn't come back to steal the cake as well.
The chase continued and the creature was cornered between two hallways and windows on each of his side. Celestia steps forward "you are surrounded creature please cease this chase and we shall talk over your actions that have been brought this nights.” The creature stands there holding the brownies in his arms and he just stood there. Celestia took this as a sign of him surrendering, Luna steps forward and walks towards the creature as the guards took a side of the creature.
Princess Luna speaks "thy self shall speak of his action towards us once my sister and I finish our snack for the evening to which we kindly ask thy creature to return our treat." Luna said pointing towards the brownies. She was irritated and agitated that the creature not only stole her snack but even knocked out her own guards. The creature only took a deep breath in, sighed and spoke with no change in tone of his voice.
"I'm afraid destiny has different plans for me tonight." A guard on his right speaks aggressively pointing his spear at his face.
"Watch what you say! You are surrounded you are in no position to ta-" The guard was interrupted as the creature used his legs and kicked the spear through the window to his right and the creature Aerial's over the guard and lands on his back and jumps out the window that was broken and landed on the corner roof top ledge.
Everyone saw the creature standing there with the brownies still in his arms. He then placed the brownies inside his pouch which was now stuffed. He then looks at the crowd in front of him and he then speaks "As I enjoyed the night tonight I must take my leave." as he steps back before he falls he speaks "I'll be back." and he falls and plummets down to the ground.
The guards and the princess were shocked at this and looked out the window and then saw the creature using the cape he had on him and used it as a parachute to glide his way down. Princess Luna was quick to react and told her Pegasus guards "Quick fly out and retrieve him we must not let him escape." All the guards reacted to Princess Luna’s words and dived towards creature who was slowly getting past the walls and towards the city.
The creature noticed noises and looked behind him and saw many of the guards coming for him but instead of fearing the worst he smiled and he let his cape drop and him along with it while he turned around to face the group of guards who were surprised to see him drop his only source of flight. Little did they know what the Creature did was not what they expected to be a form of surrender. The guards all started to speed up and all of them were very close to the creature but before they can reach him the creature stretched his hands wide and did a swift motion to clap.
When he clapped his hands everything around everyone became really bright and they couldn't hear anything but a loud ringing in their ears but the creature could and he turned once more and saw his position was slightly over the top of a building with a smooth ledge and he took his chance he used his cape once more and slowed his descent and when he came close he retracted it and slid on the rooftop and then he jumped off the ledge and jumped building to building and slipped into an alleyway to hide from the guards and the princesses as they recover from the flash bang.
Princess Luna recovered and saw that the thief got away and saw that all her guards were still stunned by that loud noise and flashing bright light. Then Princess Celestia recovered and saw that the thief had got away. Celestia looks at her sister and says "It seems that our evening snack will have to be cancelled tonight."
Luna turns to her sister with a smile and said "It is alright we can share your snack together. If you don't mind that is?"
Celestia looks at her sister then smiles and responds “Yes of course. Let us return to the dining hall and have our little snack. We shall deal with this issue in the morning.”
Luna then turns to all the guards who have recovered and told them all "You are to return to your post and prevent anymore infiltration's today. We don't need another thief stirring up more trouble." All the guards were real down that they have not only let a thief escape but even failed the princesses as guards to protect the castle. They all went back to their post but became more resilient to ensure it doesn't happen twice in one night.
Celestia and Luna walked back to the dining hall where Gustave was still there protecting the cake and ensuring it's still there. Celestia thanked Gustave for protecting the cake and Luna apologizes for her former accusations towards Gustave who replied saying that there was no need to apologize. He splits the cake into equal proportions and served them to Luna and Celestia and they enjoyed their snack as Gustave returns to the kitchen.
While eating Luna was in deep thought of the thief, just thinking of him was irritating her to no ends seeing him not only steal her snack’s but even taking out her night guards and even escaping right in front of her eyes. “You better prepare yourself thief, for when we next meet you shall not escape from my wrath.” Luna biting down hard on not only the cake but even the silverware.
Celestia was too busy eating her cake to notice Luna’s actions and just enjoys it hoping it will lift her mood for tonight after the thief escaped. She wonder "Just who is he?" she remembers the creature stopping Luna's spell like it was nothing "How in Equestria did that creature+ stop Luna’s magic it doesn’t make any sense? Never in history has there been a being who can stop magic not even Starswirl the Bearded. Just who is this creature?" They both continued eating and chatting with each other till it was Luna's shift and she left for the evening royal duties. While Celestia went to her room to rest up after today's sudden events.
The creature looked from the alleyway using his cape to camouflage with the shadow and looked at the sky and saw no guards coming. He breathed with a sigh of relief and removed his makeshift mask as it was making it hard to breath. He then scales the building in front of him and goes to the roof. He looks across the city and saw the building from where he started. He jumps over building from building and lands on the same roof top before and he looked down and saw the family still there but the filly was shivering in her father's arms, who was trying to keep her warm from the harsh cold night. The creature jumped from the roof top, slid down the wall and jumped midway to the ground with a loud thud alarming the family especially the father who was quick to react by placing his young filly onto her mother and stood between his family and the unknown creature.
The creature upon closer inspection saw that the father was an earth pony and the wife was a Pegasus. The filly was an earth pony and the little filly who was wrapped in her mother's robe was wrapped in cloth so it was too hard to tell what race it was. The father spoke "Who are you?"
The creature said "Don't worry I am not here to harm you." The father became more suspicious of this new creature and he was very edgy right now.
"Then why are you here?" bracing himself for an attack should he need to. The creature reached back making the father ready himself but the creature brought out the wrapped brownies and canteen and the father was confused at this object he brought out. The creature bent over then placed the brownies down and then the canteen on top and slid it to the father who was very cautious.
The creature stood up and said "I think your family need’s it much more than me." The father stood ready but he took the canteen and felt it filled to the brim and then he unwrapped the cloth and saw and smelled the brownies and saw the most incredible brownies he ever saw. Despite how long it has been since the creature took the brownies they were still warm and fresh. The earth pony looked up and saw a smile on the creatures face and he looked back and forth between the two and he couldn't believe what the creature is giving him.
"Are you sure? I mean don't you want this for yourself?" obviously seeing the pony in doubt the creature assured him by saying.
"I'm am certain of it, after all you have a family to feed and I have something for myself.” He says as he then approaches the family and the father let him pass and he saw him drop down at his young filly who was squeezing her mother and the mother protecting her. The creature takes off his cape and spreads it and cover’s the filly and her mother to provide them warmth "I'm certain that you will need this more than I do as well." The filly was surprised at first and then smiles at him and snuggles at the extra warmth that she was given and the mother was surprised and shocked at his generosity of giving his personal clothing to them complete strangers to him. He then walks back past the father who was in further shock as the creature just gave his cape, too ponies he never met.
As the creature gets ready to climb the wall the earth pony shouted "Wait." The creature looks back "Please tell me your name?"
The creature smiles saying his name "Phantom... just Phantom" Phantom then jumps and climbs the wall and jumps over it and heads to his own home.
The father couldn't believe what has happened a creature of unknown origin came and gave his family refreshment, food, and his cape for his young filly and asked for nothing in return he couldn't believe what has happened and he then realized his family and he turned to them taking the canteen and brownies with him. The wife was curious as to what happened "Honey, what did that creature give you?"
The husband smiled "A little something for all of us." then presenting the unique brownies to his wife and filly who were both giddy about the treats and they all took pieces of the brownies and were in awe of the taste as it was out of this world and they were all happy and the mother took some and gave it to the little one as it took it and enjoyed the taste as well. They all took drinks from the canteen and were all enjoying a good meal together. After the meal the filly nuzzled and wrapped herself in Phantom's cape and was really warm and felt safe with it. The mother was happy to see her little ones happy and her family having a meal again after a long time she rocked her little filly in her arm to sleep and soon falling asleep herself in her husband’s embrace and the father looked at the building where Phantom left. He smiled and said "Thank you Phantom."
Phantom jumps building to building and arrived at the edge of the city and landed on an abandoned building. On the roof top a makeshift tent was made there and a tarp covering the whole room. Phantom took his hood off revealing his White silver hair that glistened in the moonlight and his icy blue eyes. He then took his pouch off and took the bread out and he ate it as he walked to his hammock. He finished the bread and took a canteen he had before on the side of the hammock and drank to wash it all down. "Heww..." He then lies down and looks through the hole in the tarp and it shows the moon glistening in its all inspiring beauty. Looking at the moon he remembers the Princess of the moon. He then thinks "So that was Princess Luna." He remember Luna when he saw her up close. "She looked pretty adorable." Phantom thought as he smiled and he yawned "yaawwwn... Time to hit the hay." Phantom then laid on his hammock and looked at the moon and smiled in comfort of its lights and soon fell asleep.
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Nice idea to start a story with, being a vigilante of the night itself.
There are alot of grammatical errors though.
A few errors, but otherwise, interesting.
Love it. fav and follow.
Wait, is he wearing a white cloak, or a black cloak? If he's wearing both, that just looks weird....
5192240 I agree with this.
You should try to find an editor to help you.
I give you a Fav and thumb up.
Entertaining and Interesting, however it could use a Editor. Also, Luna's crush seems slightly strange, after all she only saw his eyes and him beating up her own Guards. And the 'Phantom' has little character other than being badass. In conclusion, great but could use some work. Fav'd and Tracked.
That´s awesome, i think it is safe to say that, i don´t know which words i should use to describe it because i feel like i said it already to a few fanfictions, but the idea of this one, well it has all i like.
Please don´t make him an asshole later, i really like him, the first Human i saw here, which isn´t the weakest creature in Equestria.
Other Humans which are strong or are magic immune, always sleep, are on vacation or stay in the castle if a big fight like Chrysalis or anything else happen. I didn´t like it if they don´t even get the chance to help or do anything even if they are trained for the fight.
I want to be honest, i thought for a moment he would be one of those which are generous, but try not to show that they wanted to do it. I thought he would complain about loosing his cape and such things, i know that isn´t anything bad but i just wanted to say i like how you made him. For a moment i wanted to complain what he could do, but then again you showed the videos (that made it easier to understood it for me and i knew he really could have learned it.
To make it short (because i don´t know what else to say), i think i could enjoy this story really much, even the first chapter was enough to make it my favourite. I hope he remains this nice.
Please make it a long story or at let it have an open end, if the story is always as good as right now i am sure i would like a sequel.
i love it ... follow!
These fucking videos...
Nice editing. It really increased the quality.
'Tis a nice story, but I'm bothered by the fact that the story keeps switching between the present and past tense without any apparent reason.
Still waiting and loving this story. This was also my first fanfic I read too. What I find this interesting or stands out the most is how you start your first chapter and how you setup your main character. He isnt magic resistant (like in some other stories), he can also use magic (at least that skips the magic lessons part) and already knows how to defend himself. One of my hope is that he plays a active role in the story and doesn't make him feel too op or too useless. Generally o really enjoy this story and i hope its got a good length to it.
Good!! Really good!
true hero in young human.
Pretty sure that being an alien completely negates the hidden identity idea!
7080730
Nyah...you know how it works: just a pair of glasses and a comb-over and not even his best friends could tell they were the same person--just look at how well Clark kept Lex, Lana, Chloe, and Lois in the dark--and Clark was an alien
7278322
True, but Kryptonians and Humans have no real visible differences physically. That's like saying if an octopus put on a wig and a pair glasses, people would think it was a fellow human.
You need an editor. It's hard to read, but I'm enjoying the story!
You need to have the read to breath time to time. Because the words well mix to much...
ME LIKE
This is a really good idea for a story. But I can't get over the fact that it feels like you are "telling me about this story" rather then "telling me a story."
By this I mean, it sounds off. Detached. Like I walked up to you after a movie and you are telling me what happened.
"Then he did this!" "Then she noticed that she was that."
I say again: this is a cool idea for a story, and the moments within are entertaining, but the way it's told pulls me right out.
Keep at it! You clearly like the genre and it is full of potential!