Pony World Problems

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Hot Fuzzy

A loud whistle echoed beyond the rattling bulkheads of the Royal Crystal Express.

"Do you hear that, honey?" Princess Cadance smiled, leaning forward with a glowing horn to straighten her husband's chestplate. "We're approaching Ponyville Station. It won't be long now!"

"Cadance... uhm... sweetie..." Shining Armor gritted his teeth, glancing nervously behind him at the guardponies standing at attention in the back of the first royal passenger car. "Must you?"

"I swear, you've been slacking off with your uniform ever since our first honeymoon!" she said with a playful pout. "Would it kill you to act like you're living your academy days again?" She giggled. "After all, you're going to be spending an entire day in Twilight's town. It's best to make a proper impression!"

"Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for you checking after me and all, it's just..." He gulped. "Must you do it in front of the guards?"

"Oh?" Her eyelashes fluttered. "As opposed to what?" She leaned in and kissed him twice under each ear. "Loving on you in front of them?"

Shining Armor chuckled, bearing a stupid smile. "I see there's no sense in protesting."

"I would most certainly say not!" Cadance tilted her nose up with an airy tone. "I'm your Princess as much as theirs." A haughty smirk. "Everywhere the sun touches is where I get to nuzzle you, whether two ponies watch or two thousand."

He chuckled, then leaned in with a playful smile. "And what of where the sun doesn't shine?"

"Easy, tiger." She tipped him back with a dainty hoof. "You're on duty in a country town all day. Worry about the night watch later." She winked. "When we're alone."

"Ma'am. Yes, ma'am."

The door from the engine compartment ahead of them slid open. A crystal pony with a soot-stained muzzle leaned his head in. "Your Highness." He bowed. "We're about to arrive."

"Thank you, conductor. We heard the whistle." Cadance nodded. "My husband is ready."

"Aye, ma'am." He zipped back into the front car while the whole train began slowing down with the faint squeal of braking wheels.

"Have you chosen who will be your deputy for the day?" Cadance asked.

"Heh... are you kidding?" Shining smiled as the two paced across the compartment, heading to the next car behind them. "You know me well enough. I had made my choice long before Twilight ever requested me to look after Ponyville in her absence."

"Hmmm..." Cadance smiled. "Well, I'm glad, Shining. I think it's so sweet of you to foster his growth in his career the way you are."

"Nothing sweet about it, Cadance," Shining replied. "He's highly skilled, and a master flyer. But he's also the youngest Lieutenant in the Royal Guard. Having that much responsibility at such an age can be risky. I'm watching over him for the Defense Ministry's sake, really."

"Oh, please, Shining." Cadance rolled her eyes. "He's as much a little brother to me as he is to you."

"Heh..." Shining tossed his mane back as they passed through the adjoining car doors. "It's enough having one younger sibling. I don't need another one—"

"Sir!" A stallion practically launched out of his seat upon sight of Shining. He saluted so hard that he smacked himself in the helmet. "Guh!" Fighting tears, he did his best to maintain a rigid posture. "Flash Sentry reporting for duty, Sir!"

Shining Armor blinked. He glanced aside at Cadance. The Princess giggled. Stifling a sigh, Shining Armor stepped forward and cleared his throat. "Lieutenant, at ease!"

Gulping, Flash leaned back, still staring straight ahead as if blinded by dragonfire.

"Today, Lieutenant, we are more than members of the Royal Guard," Shining Armor spoke loudly as he paced before the stallion. "From this morning until sundown, we are ambassadors of the Crystal Empire! Already, we have acted as representatives of the Canterlot Defense Ministry! Under the guidance of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and with the help of the Elements of Harmony, we have restored the Crystal Heart and delivered King Sombra's former slaves to freedom and glory! For the next twelve hours, I expect no less than the same courage, determination, and guile that has led you to become my most trusted comrade-in-hooves! Ponyville is a tiny farming village, and without Princess Twilight Sparkle and her most trusted companions, the fragile town is left defenseless in the unguarded heart of Equestria! Well, today, this town will have two guardians! You and I shall be the rocks upon which this village leans! For twelve vigilant hours, you and I will be all that stands against flood, fire, changeling invasion, windigos, and the unpredictable wilds of the Everfree Forest!" He came to a stop, glaring at him. "Do I make myself clear...?"

"Sir! Yes, sir!" Flash saluted again. "I am prepared to ensure the safety of everypony around me from this point on, sir!"

Screeeeeech! The train lurched to a stop.

"Unf!" Flash jolted forward. His helmet slipped off, flying like a missile towards Cadance's skull.

Flash! Shining Armor caught the heavy headpiece with his magic, levitating it just centimeters from the alicorn's pink muzzle. He blinked, exhaling out his nostrils with closed eyes.

Cadance glanced at her reflection in the shiny helmet. "Uhm... n-nice shine, Flash!" She smiled at him. "A good soldier knows to polish his armor in any situation!"

Flash gulped hard, his ears folding as he winced. "Thank you, Your M-Majesty."

With a sigh, Shining levitated the helmet back. "Next time, Lieutenant, remember to attach the chin-strap!"

"Sir, yes, sir." Flash nervously clasped the helmet and slid it over his head. "I will, sir."

"Either that or get a bigger head."

"Shining..." Cadance whispered.

Shining was about to retort—

Schwisssssh! Daylight flooded the cabin as the metallic doors slid open, revealing the loading platform of the Ponyville train depot immediately outside.

"Sir!" Flash saluted for the umpteenth time. "Your permission to check if the coast is clear, sir!"

"Er... yes, Lieutenant," Shining Armor muttered. "You do that."

Fwooosh! Flash soared out on majestic orange wings.

Shining rolled his eyes. "Celestia knows if we might be attacked by Hay Krishna monks as soon as we step out."

"Now Shining..." Cadance rested a hoof on his shoulder. "Be nice to him. After all, you were a lowly Lieutenant not too long ago yourself."

"Cheater." He smirked. "Everything is 'lowly' to a Princess."

"And don't you forget it." She stuck a tongue out, then tilted her head up to kiss him on the lips.

The two shared an ardent embrace. Too soon, Shining Armor had to step away. "I'll send your love to Twilight when I see her this evening."

"You can send her more than that!" She smiled. "Give her a hug!"

"Like you even need to ask!"

The door to the train car slid shut as soon as Shining Armor was on the platform. The train roared away, and he gave a tiny wave, watching with a longing expression. Steeling himself with a dull breath, he turned around—only to nearly run into Flash Sentry.

"S-sir!" The pegasus guard stumbled backwards, wincing slightly before locking himself into an attentive stance. "I-I've finished checking the perimeter! No sign of any potential threats!"

"Lieutenant, I told you to be a representative of the Royal Guard while we're here," Shining Armor said as he led Flash down the steps and into the heart of Ponyville. "Not an example of paranoia."

"Sir, just doing my duty by the book, Sir!"

"If there's anything my little sister has taught me, Lieutenant..." Shining Armor smiled as he glanced at ponies waving pleasantly from the sidewalks, merchant vendors, and balconies all around them. "It's that Ponyville is anything but 'by the book'... which is ironic because Twilight first ever came to this town in the first place to be a librarian." He chuckled to himself.

Flash Sentry stared at him, blinking.

"Ahem." Shining Armor adjusted the weight of his armored pauldrons. "That's... th-that's Sparkle Family humor."

"Sir. Of course, sir."

"Now, if I remember the map correctly..." Shining's thin eyes squinted even more as he gazed across the grassy knoll in the center of town. "The police department is located in the west district. Let's make haste."

"Sir. Permission to speak freely, sir."

"Go ahead, Flash."

The pegasus gulped. "What... e-exactly will our duties over the next twelve hours entail?"

"Why, whatever do you mean by that, Lieutenant?"

"Don't get me wrong, Captain Armor. I'm more than proud to serve as a preserver of Equestrian Peace out here in the country. But after battling arctic creatures and the dark shadow of King Sombra in the Crystal Empire, isn't a country town like Ponyville... well... a step down?"

"Why, Lieutenant, I'm surprised at you!"

Flash immediately winced. "I'm sorry for even bringing it up, sir—"

"No, I'm glad that you did!" Shining frowned. "And allow me to clear up your misconception right away!" He cleared his throat and gestured at the gold-thatched rooftops all around them. "This may look like just any other unassuming earth pony farm village in the shadow of Canterlot Mountain. But don't let the pretty canvas fool you, Lieutenant! This is nothing less than the infernal crucible of all of Equestria's most harrowing crises! Nightmare Moon, Discord, Tirek, the Great and Powerful Trixie—they've all trudged across these vulnerable planting grounds at one point or another! This place has been ravaged by more disasters, magical phenomena, parasprite swarms, and chaotic riffs than all of the major Equestrian maretropolises combined!"

"I..." Flash Sentry trembled. "I-I had no unearthly idea, sir!"

"Well, now you know." Shining Armor took a deep breath. "And perhaps now you more properly understand why it is that Princess Twilight Sparkle has asked us to keep a loyal vigil over this township while she and her close friends pay a harmonic visit to the griffon lands to the east! With the Princess of Friendship gone, and her magic utilized elsewhere, Ponyville will need all the help it can get!"

With a determined scowl, Flash Sentry hovered on strong wingfeathers. "Sir! You can count on me, sir!"

"I hope I can, Lieutenant," Shining Armor said, facing forward with a determined glare. "Twilight and her friends have saved the Crystal Kingdom from peril ten times over. We owe it to her and all of Ponyville to pay this town the proper respect it's due!" He telekinetically opened the front door to the police department. "That means that we must be on our guard as if we're one of its noble and fearless villagers ourselves!"

Comments

[Zaid ValRoa]

Hot Fuzzy

Ok, I'm in.

[FloydienSlip]

Really enjoying this so far, though "uneartly idea" should be "earthly idea."

>inb4 this gets buried in downvotes

[Sketchwrites]

Glad to see someone using Flash positively.

[RoboRed]

Trixie now counts as a "harrowing crisis".

[Crazy the Clone]

5456104

I'd imagine word of a unicorn with a powerful cursed artifact taking over a town and placing it in a giant fishbowl would spread quickly.

[fractalman]

 For twelve vigilant hours, you and I will be all that stands against flood, fire, changeling invasion, windigos, and the unpredictable wilds of the Everfree Forest!" He came to a stop, glaring at him. "Do I make myself clear...?"

Hm...I wonder if he knows about a certain trio of fillies...

But don't let the pretty canvas fool you, Lieutenant! This is nothing less than the infernal crucible of all of Equestria's most harrowing crises! Nightmare Moon, Discord, Tirek, the Great and Powerful Trixie—they've all trudged across these vulnerable planting grounds at one point or another! This place has been ravaged by more disasters, magical phenomena, parasprite swarms, and chaotic riffs than all of the major Equestrian maretropolises combined!"

Still not clear if he knows about the CMC.

[Born-From-Black-Lightnin]

8365544
Well for his sake I hope he does not encounter them. But for ours I hope he does.

[Darksymphony777]

i have the feeling this will be a "statis quo if god" joke where things are only peaceful because twilight is NOT there