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Bad Bucks

"Over here! Over here!" Roseluck motioned in mid-sprint. "Quick! Before she succumbs to cold pony death!"

"Do not despair, ma'am!" Shining Armor exclaimed as he and the Lieutenant followed the mare into an open courtyard of downtown Ponyville. "I promise you that we will see that she makes it through this arduous ordeal!"

"Good! Because th-this is the worst I've ever seen her endure!" Roseluck paused to sob, then limped her way around a street corner. "I-I don't even know if she's capable of surviving!"

"Just where is she, exactly?" Flash Sentry asked.

"There!" Roseluck pointed at where a mare lay on the ground while another pony knelt next to her. "My friend Daisy! We've done everything we could to resuscitate her, but it's no use!"

"She's doomed!" The mare kneeling above Daisy wept into her hooves. "Doomed!"

"I know, Lily!" Roseluck hugged the mare close while both sobbed over their friend's body. "I kno-o-o-owwwww!"

"Everypony, stand back!" Shining squatted above the limp pony. "Did anypony see what happened to her?!"

"Yes..." Lily sniffed, burying her tear-stained face in Roseluck's shoulder. "I saw what happened! I saw everything."

"Could you tell us?" Flash asked. "Every little bit of information is crucial!"

"Okay... I-I'll try..." Lily nodded, panting.

"Good." Shining gave her a reassuring smile. "It's very brave of you to do this for your friend. Now, please ma'am, tell us what happened to Daisy."

"About... about an hour ago, she... sh-she saw a spider."

"...yes, and?"

"That's it."

Dead silence.

Shining Armor and Flash Sentry exchanged glances. They both looked at the mare again.

"She saw a spider?"

"Yessss!" Lily howled in agony. "I knowww! It was awwwwwwfulllll!"

"Did... was..." Flash gulped. "Was it a poisonous spider? A black widow? A brown recluse?"

"Did it bite her?" Shining added.

"She just saw it!" Lily stammered.

"Yes!" Roseluck blubbered. "And it was creepy! And hairy! And it had those wriggly feeler things on the front of its face! And fangs... and... beady... b-beady eyes..." Roseluck teetered, whimpered, and fell faint. Thud!

"Oh no!" Lily gasped, holding a hoof over her forehead. "It's spreadiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!"

"Grlgglrgrgllggg!" Roseluck's legs curled and twitched above her flattened body.

Shining's ears drooped. He glanced at Roseluck, then at Daisy, then at Roseluck again. "Seriously?"

"It's the third time this week!" Lily whimpered. "The horror! The horror!"

"Okay. Fine. L-Look." Shining held a hoof up, grumbling. "...what needs to be done to get your friends back on their hooves?"

"Well..." Lily rubbed her fuzzy cheek, sniffling. "Usually..." She sniffled again. "Usually Pinkie Pie is here... and she hugs us... and she nuzzles us... and that g-gets the creepy crawlies out of our system!"

"And... we... can... trot... again..." Roseluck muttered in a distant, zombified voice.

"Well, ma'am, I'm sorry to say that Pinkie Pie is not here," Shining said. "As a matter of fact, none of Princess Twilight Sparkle's closest companions are in town today."

"Then we are doomed!" It was Lily's turn to faint. "Doomed!" Fwomp! "To succumb to the sp-spider spooksss!"

"Oh, for the love of pancake mix..." Shining stood up, groaning. "What does Pinkie Pie give you to bring you back again? Nuzzles?"

"Yessssss..." Roseluck hissed.

"Nuzzles..." Lily whimpered.

"Fuzzy muzzle nuzzles," Daisy suddenly said in a ghostly tone.

"Then we'll see what we can do." Clearing his throat, Shining looked up at Flash. "Lieutenant?"

"Huh?"

Shining pointed. "Do your duty for Equestria."

"... ... ...Huh?!"

"You heard me. These mares need fuzzy muzzle nuzzles or else they cannot function with their fellow ponies."

"But... b-but sir!" Flash gulped. "I-I-I'm trained in the art of combat and civil service! Not in the art of nuzzling!"

"Sacrifices must be made for the good of harmony!"

"But... but..." Flash shifted on his hooves. "I-I seriously don't know anything about hugs! I'm an only child!" He pointed. "Captain, you had a younger sister! Certainly you're qualified! Why don't you perform the nuzzling?"

"Lieutenant, the day you become Captain, you'll realize that there are some things that you can only implement from an executive advisory role." He trotted behind Flash. "Besides, I'm a married stallion." He kicked Flash in the flank. "Now get in there!" Whap!

"Gah!" Flash collapsed against Daisy.

"Nuzzles... n-nuzzles..." the mare cooed.

"Er... r-right!" Gulping, the Lieutenant leaned in and rubbed the side of his head against her neck. "Erm... l-like this?"

"Brrrrrr... too cold..."

"Guh... dang it." Flash stripped his metal helmet off and rubbed his orange cheek against hers. "There... uh... a-are the spiders going away?"

"Almost..." Daisy cooed. "So... f-fuzzy..."

"Dying..." Lily hissed, coughing into the air as she reached a blind hoof for the sky. "Getting... d-dark..."

"Ack!" Flash rolled over and hugged her from behind, rubbing his chin against her shoulder. "Do not fear, ma'am! I am administering the nuzzles! Everything is going to be—"

"Fuuguuu—" Roseluck slumped over Flash like a ragdoll.

"—okaaaay!" the pegasus wheezed, cross-eyed.

"Nuzzles..." The mares slurred like the pony undead.

"Fuzzy nuzzles..." They clung to his every limb like scared infants.

"Fuzzy muzzle nuzzles..." They cooed and cried.

Curious villagers paused in mid-trot, glancing at the scene with blank, neutral stares.

"Okay—Okay! One at a time! I'm trying—ladies—I said I'm trying—ow! That's my wing! Feathers don't bend that way! Could you—please—could you not crowd in like that?! How am I going to nuzzle the spider thoughts away if you're all clambering to—Augh!—ladies, please! You are three mares and I only have two cheeks! I don't care how fuzzy they are, one at a time, I'm begging you! Ladies? Ow! Ladies?!"