Tales of the Slaves to Armok: God of Blood and (not at all) Friendship

by Timemaster

"Lord" Urist Of The Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman" II

"Lord" Urist Of The Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"

The Lord wandered slowly through the brightly lit grasslands, not a tree in sight. In the distance, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts saw a tower made of stone that seemed to be surrounded by small, simple, adobe, homes. The master axeman began sneaking towards the tower, not wishing to alert the bowmen that may be near. The Lord saw an empty sniping balcony, so he quickly snuck a full frontal assault to the front door. Now crouching before the door, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts ate a human heart in preparation of going against those man-eating monsters. He stood up, and smashed through the reinforced iron door with one mighty swing of his legendary fist. He barged into the room, his weapons drawn and ready, only to come across a small horse. He shrugged, and easily decapitated the horse, but something happened. The horse was incinerated in a green flame, only leaving behind a black, hard, horse-like being. Using his observation skill, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts determined that this was, in fact, a strange sub-species of changeling that changed into horses instead of people.

He walked on top of the dead beast and, with one swift cut, perfectly butchered the beast. He collected the green meat and green blood from the beast, hoping they would be worth money, and looked around for a stairwell. After moving twenty tiles, the Lord found an Up/Down stairwell, both directions promising in different ways. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts took the high road, for it is usually where the necromancer/leader is.

After climbing the steps, the Lord came upon a room full of twenty horses, each looking drastically different and delicious, so he easily killed them all without a challenge. Sure, he was impaled in the groin by one of their horns, but that would heal after sleeping an hour or so, so he just shrugged it off and killed the one that impaled him by throwing the head of it's mom at it. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts harvested every last changeling, which did not slow him down as much as he expected. 'Maybe it is because I am young again?'

The Lord found another stairwell, this one only going up, and ascended it. The room he found was empty, so he just went to the next stairwell...

Jing Jong McDingDong: I am Jing Jong McDingDong, prepare to die!

The Leader, Jing Jong McDingDong, was an pony clad in golden armor and wielded a floating bow. An arrow from Jing Jong McDingDong pierced the right buttock of Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, which enraged the Lord. Urist charged at the leader, who was without any personnel, and managed to grab him by the neck with his left leg. With a swift motion, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts strangled the leader, Jing Jong McDingDong, knocking him unconscious. The Lord then severed the Leader's right arm. The Lord then severed the left buttock of the unconscious leader. The Leader let go of his bow. Jing Jong McDingDong vomited.The Lord then severed the groin of the unconscious leader. Jing Jong McDingDong vomited.The Lord then punched the leader's left eye. Jing Jong McDingDong vomited. The Lord then punched the leader's right eye. Jing Jong McDingDong vomited.Jing Jong McDingDong Woke up and tried to stab Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts with his arrow, but it missed and the Lord counterattacked by kicking Jing Jong McDingDong in the right upper tooth. Jing Jong McDingDong vomited.The Lord then strangled Jing Jong McDingDong once more. The Lord then decapitated Jing Jong McDingDong. Jing Jong McDingDong had been slain.

After Jing Jong McDingDong returned to his changeling state, which was slightly taller than the others, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts harvested his brain. The Lord then ateim Jong McDingDong's brain after a healthy cup of Jim Jong McDingDong's blood. The Lord walked merrily out of the building, and then walked a few meters, before laying on the soft, soft, grass.

"Goddamn monsters," he said, tired, covered in brain bits, baked in blood head to left pinky toe, and layered in vomit. Lots of vomit.

The Lord then set his sleep clock for eight hours...

Armok, the Best God Ever

Armok giggled at every swing that his little creation did to Jing Jong McDingDong, a general of the Changeling side of the peaceful "Changeling Republic". Armok had always wanted to kill that fool whenever he visited horse-god's house, for he had taken his amazing powers of espionage and used them to sabotage public unrest, the most beautiful of chaos. Armok cheered enthusiastically when the head was lobbed off, but then he felt somewhat hungry. Armok went to his kitchen and ate stuff, bringing along the Jar of Worlds to watch while he ate.

Queen Chrysalis

Queen Chrysalis is in a relaxing bubble bath. She is being scrubbed by her four best sons/lovers, for she has gotten too pregnant to move herself. Her sons/lovers roll her over, and begin to scrub her underside. Chrysalis is giggling as her third best son, Jong Jong McBongDong tickles her with the strings of the mop under her armpit. Seeing this, her other three sons begin doing the same, making their mother/lover laugh. She laughed and laughed, but then, suddenly, she coughed. Her sons stopped there, and watched with straight faces as her horn glowed.

"What's wrong, mom?" said the second best, McDing JongJong Jong. The others nodded in agreement of the question.

"Your brothers, Jing Jong McDingDong's clan..." said Queen Chrysalis, "they're... they're..."

Chrysalis cried uncontrollably, her sons confused on what was happening. Her sons hugged her, attempting to calm her down. After a few minutes, her tears and sobs became hearable words once more.

"My sons had been murdered!" She yelled, the entire hive shaking in anger.

In moments, the entire hive began to shake uncontrollably, Changelings began revving up.

"Who did this grievous crime, mother? Was it the ponies?" DongDongDongDong, the fourth best, said to his mother.

"No, my son," she said, tears baked into her uncomposed face, "for no son of mine would die in less than a minute to a bloody pony."

DongDongDongDong and his brothers stared at their mother, their angry faces defusing, and DongDongDongDong said, "did you say under a minute?"

Their mother/lover nodded.

"By the sweetest deity, we need to gather the army!" said McDing JongJong Jong, the military leader.

McDing JongJong Jong ran out of the royal bathing room as fast as he could, his brother, DongDongDongDong, the lieutenant following after him. 'War, thought McDing JongJong Jong, were declared'.

"Lord" Urist Of The Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"

Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts stood on top of a small group of three changelings that tried to off him in the night. They failed, of course, and now the Lord woke up to a breakfast of Prepared Changeling Brain and Green Changeling Blood. Finding it tasty, he filled himself up with it within moments. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts then butchered the changelings and took their skins and some of their bones. With the Changeling Bones and Changeling Skins, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts was able to create a Changeling Cape to show his victory. He removed his goblin-skin cape and, instead, wore the Changeling-skin Cape. The cape provided a lot of armor in case of sneak attacks, but was also light.

"Thanks," Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts said to the pile of dead bodies.

Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts picked up one Changeling Groin and put it into his backpack before opening his map. Looking around, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts saw a rather large city to his East. The Lord closed his map and ventured forth unto the city, where he may find some meat shields... er, Companions, and maybe some artifact weapons to buy. Or he might find another town to burn...

Either would be fine, thought Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, then he yelled "For Armok!" and sprinted towards the city to the far East, still caked in blood and vomit.

Armok, the Best God Ever

Armok Blushed.

Author's Note:

Play DF

It is my Dad's Bday today, so have a small chapter guys!

Comments

[lazorboy96]

This reads like something out of the DF forums.
Keep up the good work, I especially enjoyed the ridiculous name for the changlings.

[Timemaster]

4647301 Thanks ☻

[RedvsBlue327]

Strangling a changeling with his left leg...

Yep, this is Dwarf Fortress in spirit and soul.

[Timemaster]

4651132 You play DF, too!?

Have you ever had a good adventurer run?

[Snake Staff]

Yeah, that Changeling-skin Cape is spiffy... But what about an Alicorn-skin Cape?

[Timemaster]

4653780 Armok does, indeed, not like false deities

[RedvsBlue327]

4651212 I usually played the fortress mode, but I also dabbled in the adventurer mode occasionally. My adventures were never really that special, up until this final one that I can remember.

Since at the time all I had was a weak computer, I really stopped playing the adventure mode after that high point in my adventuring career.

So, to answer your question: Yeah, I had one.