Tales of the Slaves to Armok: God of Blood and (not at all) Friendship

by Timemaster

"Lord" Urist Of The Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman" I

"Lord" Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"

After slaying a legendary forgotten beast that was shaped like a giant arachnid that could breath fire with his trusty throwing bunny, which knocked off the head of the arachnid, spattering its blood across the room, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts journeyed deeper into this strangely expansive fortress by going through an iron door that was, surprisingly, not trap-covered. Looking around, the Lord saw that the floor of this level of the fortress was covered in blood, traps, skeletons of past inhabitants, and, of course, ale, which ensured that he would never lose his sanity in the hell called his mind. Seeing that the once expansive area was going into another straight corridor, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts opened his Human Hide Backpack and put away his bunny. He dropped his Bloodsteel Axe and his trusty copper shield and them picked them off the floor with his left and right hand, respectively. He then relieved his hunger by downing some Human Meat and some of the Legendary Beast's nearby blood. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts then journeyed on, deeper into the fortress. He met many traps, each as deadly as the last, but then he heard the swish of an arrow. He dodged out of the way of the arrow, right into an ominous hole in the floor.
Urist opened up his own personal description

"Lord" Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"

A medium-sized creature prone to great ambition.The folk of men is a great one. They build mighty cities and roads, fortresses and castles. Having an intrepid mind, they invented firearms and trade muskets or pistols, even hand-cannons. Be sure to stay on their side, otherwise an imperial guard squadron will be sent to punish you for your crimes against the empire.
His left pinky toe is broken, his right pinky toe is broken, his groin is shattered, his left leg is lacerated, his right leg is broken. He is bleeding through his left buttock. He is incapable of walking.
His hair is extremely long. He is wiry. His nose bridge is convex. His dark brown eyes are round. His slightly flattened ears are very short. His lips are thick. His quite short eyebrows are low. His nose is upturned. His hair is a graying mahogany. His skin is a pale brown.
He has slain many false deities and only worships Armok. He has killed two-hundred forgotten beasts. He is quite old, 98. He has eaten five hundred humans, two-hundred goblins, fifty forgotten beasts, and a thousand war elephants. His skin is weakened with a curse.

The master axeman broke both his pinky toes, both his legs, and his groin after landing, rendering him incapable of walking, but he was one of a high will, so he would not lie there and die like others in his situation. He looked around, seeing that the only area not walled or caved in was in front of him, so instead of crying and then dying of dehydration from the tears, Urist of the Divine TwikleButts used his arms to crawl, stealthily and slowly, forwards. It was then that another trap sprang, leaving a large gash in the Lord's left buttock, a truly deadly fate. The Lord, in pain and bleeding, trudged onward. After a few minutes of consciousness and a few hours of unconsciousness, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts encountered yet another forgotten beast, this one a cyclops with two eyes, directly one square in front of him. As the Lord was stealthing, though, the beast had not seen him. The master axeman then threw his trusty bunny at the head of the beast, rendering it unconscious. The Lord picked his bunny back up before it could hop away, and put it back in the backpack full of rotten meat and blood samples. Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts then crawled on top of the forgotten beast and used his Bloodsteel Axe to lob off the head of the forgotten beast, rendering it dead.

Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts unstealthed and yelled for victory, but, alas, others heard his yell. Out of the darkness, five elite Execrable Ash Zombie MarksDwarves arrived and shot at Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts with iron bolts. The Lord dodged four of them, but as both his legs were broken and he was already pale and bleeding, one of the arrows pierced his head and ended his forgotten-beast-killing journey...

Or, at least, he thought it did.

Armok, God of Creation, Destruction, Chaos, Murder, Famine, More chaos, Gods, God's gods, everything but Depravity and Depravity

After the death of his current main character, Urist Stupidname, Armok felt dissatisfied. Unlike the majority other characters who died before him, he actually got stuff done. Armok sighed and destroyed the world, which resided in a jar, by shaking it. That world contained countless other defeats and failures, countless false gods, and was a world dominated by the Kobolds and Necromancers, so the mere fact that Urist Stupidname lived through that mess for ninety years pleased Armok. So, with a small smile, Armok got up from his couch and went outside, the bright sun nearly blinding him and instantly erasing his smile. He really hated the pesky sun god's god, Stupidlongname, for he always made the sun so bright. His wife, a freaking horse, governs one of the most bland and boring universes in all of goddom, but, 'for some reason everyone loves her universe of fucking HORSES and not mine of PEACE through DEATH and GLORY', Armok thought to himself as he sat down upon his god-bone recliner. Armok watched as she performed the daily ritual of giving light energy to her independent boring world.

She brought out a cup of black water, which represented that universe, and let it recharge it's magic with the help of her husband's magical sun. 'I usually just fart in my jar, but if you want to be a weirdo...' Armok thought. She then left her jar out in the open as she went inside to probably bone her husband or something. To this, Armok only smiled. Armok got up with an ingenious plan that snapped in his godly brain. He ran into his house and got one of the Jar of His World. He opened it, releasing a deliciously cancer-causing fume into the air. Inside was a piece of metal shaped like a pencil. He took it out and wrote...

reviveChar:Region5000:Urist_Of_The_Divine_TwinkleButts;
extractChar:Region5000:Urist_Of_The_Divine_TwinkleButts;

Suddenly, upon the paper, the letter red @ symbol emerged. This was Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts. Armok cut out the @ symbol from the paper, put a small chip of the Jar of Armok's World in to the middle of it, rolled it along the other paper until it became a sphere, and then ran outside. He ran to StupidNeighborWomen's Jar of Worlds, opened it, smelled the disgusting candy cane smell, and dropped Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts inside. He quickly closed the jar as it started to bubble and react and ran, laughing, all the way home. Armok slammed the door closed behind him, went up to his jar, and watched as Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts awoke to a whole new world. A world without Ale.

Princess Celestia

It was just another day in Equestria. Fifteen supervillians were beat by "Princess of War Magic" Twilight Sparkle and her friends.

"Eeyup, just another wonderful day!" Celestia said, stumbling out of her room after five hours of strenuous workouts to curb the fat she had gained from sitting on her butt for the last thousand years.

Celestia walked around, blissful, and her sister soon joined her in the same kind of walk. Together, synchronized, the looked very disciplined and leader-like, but really they were both just tired. They went to the balcony of the 540th erected tower to overlook the rich ponies of Canterlot being rich until they heard a strange, fiery, sound.

"What is that?" Celestia said to her sister, "I thought we agreed for no shooting stars during the peak of day, for they make no sense," she pointed to a 'shooting star'.

"That is no shooting star of mine, sister," Luna said, somewhat dumbfounded.

"Maybe it is just an overactive stuntpony again."

"I hope they do not burn to a crisp like Rainbow Dash's son."

"Yeah, that was horrible," Celestia said, grabbing a white plate, a white kettle, a black plate, and two golden encrusted cups, "warm tea?"

Luna levitated it to her mouth, "yes, it was quite bad," she said, smiling from the good tasting tea.

Celestia pondered for a moment, "but what if that star is something bad?"

"Twilight will take care of it."

"Oh yeah!" Celestia said, smiling cheerfully.

They both smiled and just went back to watching the city without a care in the world.

"Lord" Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"

Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts was laying atop the Lush Green Grass, his eyes open, and felt somewhat nauseous at the sight of the sky. The sky was an unnatural blue color, unlike the happy red hue back in his home. The Lord rose from his space, and checked his map. He seemed to be in the middle of a large, flat, grassland. There was symbols he had never seen before, symbols of unknown civilizations, but that did not bother him, for he could see some memorable symbols. To the far NorthNorthEast, Alrik could see some form of necromancer's tower, but even with the joy of this finding, he was bothered. What did bother him was how large this grassland region was. Where he was last, there was only one grassland region, and that was covered in the blood of nightcreatures and filled with broken statues of forgotten beasts disguised as deities.

'Does that mean that this land is owned by nightcreatures?'

Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts then opened his description, to see if any permanent injuries had taken hold.

"Lord" Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"

A medium-sized creature prone to great ambition.The folk of men is a lost one. They built mighty cities and roads, fortresses and castles, but they have all been burnt down or buried and forgotten. Having had an intrepid mind, they invented. Be sure to stay away from their forgotten crypts, lest you be exploded with technology of a long lost past.
His hair is extremely long. He is wiry. His nose bridge is convex. His dark brown eyes are round. His slightly flattened ears are very short. His lips are thick. His quite short eyebrows are low. His nose is upturned. His hair is a thick mahogany. His skin is a pale brown. His beard is extremely long.
He has slain many false deities and only worships Armok. He has killed two-hundred forgotten beasts. He is quite young, 30. He has eaten five hundred humans, two-hundred goblins, fifty forgotten beasts, and a thousand war elephants.

Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts stared at the paper, a large smile on his face. He dropped his bloodsteel axe and his copper shield, and then placed them into both his left and right hand, respectively. He happily rubbed his beard, which has returned along with his age, and looked to this sky.

After eating the human Urist UristUrist's flesh that he had in his backpack, Urist Of the TwinkleButts yelled to the sky, "I will appease you again, my lord, oh great Armok, so just you wait!"

He then ran towards the necromancer's tower, hopeful that he may encounter and kill enough to become a Legendary+5 Axeman.

Author's Note:

I swear I am not Armok.

Hope you guys enjoyed!

Comments

[RedvsBlue327]

This is delightfully random, but the good structured kind, not the senseless troll fic kind. I look forward to the ensuing madness from this style of random story!

[Timemaster]

4642509 Thanks, mate
V This is a slave to Armok. You are now one.
༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽

[RedvsBlue327]

4642512 Well, that emoticon looks pissed off, so some of that is right.

[Timemaster]

4642518 I like how I gained four followers in, like, two minutes. It makes me happy to be a slave. (I am not Armok, I swear to myse—I mean Armok)

[Snake Staff]

His wife, a freaking horse, governs one of the most bland and boring universes in all of goddom, but, 'for some reason everyone loves her universe of fucking HORSES and not mine of PEACE through DEATH and GLORY',

I lol'd like crazy. Have yourself a like, my good sir.

May MLP be harvested for dwarfy resources like the mermaid bones of yor.

[Timemaster]

4643184 ☺☺☺☺☺