Armok, God of Creation, Debauchery, and Depravity, was bored of his two-dimensional world of chaos, destruction, murder, debauchery, undead, incest, drunkenness, ghost hauntings, demons, false deities, and heroes who died in a second...
Armok, God of Creation, Debauchery, and Depravity, was bored of his two-dimensional world of chaos, destruction, murder, debauchery, undead, incest, drunkenness, ghost hauntings, demons, false deities, and heroes who died in a second, so he decided to stop recreating the same world again and again. He destroyed the world that was currently on, which was ruled by a goblin king who was also a vampire, and took old pieces of worlds long past. These pieces were of noble elves, human heroes, depraved goblins, drunken dwarves, and even sneaky kobolds, each of whom had appeased Armok in one way or another. Armok laughed, holding the pieces in his large tentacles, before throwing them across the street and into his neighbor's world.
This is the story of the civilization-killing, drunken, and idiotic peasants and their arrival unto the untainted land of Equestria, where they will live, and they will die, for it is Armok's will. Praise unto Armok, Creator of Worlds and Destroyer of Minds.
This was written because of Dwarf Fortress. I love that game too much sometimes.
"Lord" Urist Of The Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman" I
"Lord" Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
After slaying a legendary forgotten beast that was shaped like a giant arachnid that could breath fire with his trusty throwing bunny, which knocked off the head of the arachnid, spattering its blood across the room, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts journeyed deeper into this strangely expansive fortress by going through an iron door that was, surprisingly, not trap-covered. Looking around, the Lord saw that the floor of this level of the fortress was covered in blood, traps, skeletons of past inhabitants, and, of course, ale, which ensured that he would never lose his sanity in the hell called his mind. Seeing that the once expansive area was going into another straight corridor, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts opened his Human Hide Backpack and put away his bunny. He dropped his Bloodsteel Axe and his trusty copper shield and them picked them off the floor with his left and right hand, respectively. He then relieved his hunger by downing some Human Meat and some of the Legendary Beast's nearby blood. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts then journeyed on, deeper into the fortress. He met many traps, each as deadly as the last, but then he heard the swish of an arrow. He dodged out of the way of the arrow, right into an ominous hole in the floor. Urist opened up his own personal description
"Lord" Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
A medium-sized creature prone to great ambition.The folk of men is a great one. They build mighty cities and roads, fortresses and castles. Having an intrepid mind, they invented firearms and trade muskets or pistols, even hand-cannons. Be sure to stay on their side, otherwise an imperial guard squadron will be sent to punish you for your crimes against the empire. His left pinky toe is broken, his right pinky toe is broken, his groin is shattered, his left leg is lacerated, his right leg is broken. He is bleeding through his left buttock. He is incapable of walking. His hair is extremely long. He is wiry. His nose bridge is convex. His dark brown eyes are round. His slightly flattened ears are very short. His lips are thick. His quite short eyebrows are low. His nose is upturned. His hair is a graying mahogany. His skin is a pale brown. He has slain many false deities and only worships Armok. He has killed two-hundred forgotten beasts. He is quite old, 98. He has eaten five hundred humans, two-hundred goblins, fifty forgotten beasts, and a thousand war elephants. His skin is weakened with a curse.
The master axeman broke both his pinky toes, both his legs, and his groin after landing, rendering him incapable of walking, but he was one of a high will, so he would not lie there and die like others in his situation. He looked around, seeing that the only area not walled or caved in was in front of him, so instead of crying and then dying of dehydration from the tears, Urist of the Divine TwikleButts used his arms to crawl, stealthily and slowly, forwards. It was then that another trap sprang, leaving a large gash in the Lord's left buttock, a truly deadly fate. The Lord, in pain and bleeding, trudged onward. After a few minutes of consciousness and a few hours of unconsciousness, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts encountered yet another forgotten beast, this one a cyclops with two eyes, directly one square in front of him. As the Lord was stealthing, though, the beast had not seen him. The master axeman then threw his trusty bunny at the head of the beast, rendering it unconscious. The Lord picked his bunny back up before it could hop away, and put it back in the backpack full of rotten meat and blood samples. Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts then crawled on top of the forgotten beast and used his Bloodsteel Axe to lob off the head of the forgotten beast, rendering it dead.
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts unstealthed and yelled for victory, but, alas, others heard his yell. Out of the darkness, five elite Execrable Ash Zombie MarksDwarves arrived and shot at Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts with iron bolts. The Lord dodged four of them, but as both his legs were broken and he was already pale and bleeding, one of the arrows pierced his head and ended his forgotten-beast-killing journey...
Or, at least, he thought it did.
Armok, God of Creation, Destruction, Chaos, Murder, Famine, More chaos, Gods, God's gods, everything but Depravity and Depravity
After the death of his current main character, Urist Stupidname, Armok felt dissatisfied. Unlike the majority other characters who died before him, he actually got stuff done. Armok sighed and destroyed the world, which resided in a jar, by shaking it. That world contained countless other defeats and failures, countless false gods, and was a world dominated by the Kobolds and Necromancers, so the mere fact that Urist Stupidname lived through that mess for ninety years pleased Armok. So, with a small smile, Armok got up from his couch and went outside, the bright sun nearly blinding him and instantly erasing his smile. He really hated the pesky sun god's god, Stupidlongname, for he always made the sun so bright. His wife, a freaking horse, governs one of the most bland and boring universes in all of goddom, but, 'for some reason everyone loves her universe of fucking HORSES and not mine of PEACE through DEATH and GLORY', Armok thought to himself as he sat down upon his god-bone recliner. Armok watched as she performed the daily ritual of giving light energy to her independent boring world.
She brought out a cup of black water, which represented that universe, and let it recharge it's magic with the help of her husband's magical sun. 'I usually just fart in my jar, but if you want to be a weirdo...' Armok thought. She then left her jar out in the open as she went inside to probably bone her husband or something. To this, Armok only smiled. Armok got up with an ingenious plan that snapped in his godly brain. He ran into his house and got one of the Jar of His World. He opened it, releasing a deliciously cancer-causing fume into the air. Inside was a piece of metal shaped like a pencil. He took it out and wrote...
Suddenly, upon the paper, the letter red @ symbol emerged. This was Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts. Armok cut out the @ symbol from the paper, put a small chip of the Jar of Armok's World in to the middle of it, rolled it along the other paper until it became a sphere, and then ran outside. He ran to StupidNeighborWomen's Jar of Worlds, opened it, smelled the disgusting candy cane smell, and dropped Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts inside. He quickly closed the jar as it started to bubble and react and ran, laughing, all the way home. Armok slammed the door closed behind him, went up to his jar, and watched as Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts awoke to a whole new world. A world without Ale.
Princess Celestia
It was just another day in Equestria. Fifteen supervillians were beat by "Princess of War Magic" Twilight Sparkle and her friends.
"Eeyup, just another wonderful day!" Celestia said, stumbling out of her room after five hours of strenuous workouts to curb the fat she had gained from sitting on her butt for the last thousand years.
Celestia walked around, blissful, and her sister soon joined her in the same kind of walk. Together, synchronized, the looked very disciplined and leader-like, but really they were both just tired. They went to the balcony of the 540th erected tower to overlook the rich ponies of Canterlot being rich until they heard a strange, fiery, sound.
"What is that?" Celestia said to her sister, "I thought we agreed for no shooting stars during the peak of day, for they make no sense," she pointed to a 'shooting star'.
"That is no shooting star of mine, sister," Luna said, somewhat dumbfounded.
"Maybe it is just an overactive stuntpony again."
"I hope they do not burn to a crisp like Rainbow Dash's son."
"Yeah, that was horrible," Celestia said, grabbing a white plate, a white kettle, a black plate, and two golden encrusted cups, "warm tea?"
Luna levitated it to her mouth, "yes, it was quite bad," she said, smiling from the good tasting tea.
Celestia pondered for a moment, "but what if that star is something bad?"
"Twilight will take care of it."
"Oh yeah!" Celestia said, smiling cheerfully.
They both smiled and just went back to watching the city without a care in the world.
"Lord" Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts was laying atop the Lush Green Grass, his eyes open, and felt somewhat nauseous at the sight of the sky. The sky was an unnatural blue color, unlike the happy red hue back in his home. The Lord rose from his space, and checked his map. He seemed to be in the middle of a large, flat, grassland. There was symbols he had never seen before, symbols of unknown civilizations, but that did not bother him, for he could see some memorable symbols. To the far NorthNorthEast, Alrik could see some form of necromancer's tower, but even with the joy of this finding, he was bothered. What did bother him was how large this grassland region was. Where he was last, there was only one grassland region, and that was covered in the blood of nightcreatures and filled with broken statues of forgotten beasts disguised as deities.
'Does that mean that this land is owned by nightcreatures?'
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts then opened his description, to see if any permanent injuries had taken hold.
"Lord" Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
A medium-sized creature prone to great ambition.The folk of men is a lost one. They built mighty cities and roads, fortresses and castles, but they have all been burnt down or buried and forgotten. Having had an intrepid mind, they invented. Be sure to stay away from their forgotten crypts, lest you be exploded with technology of a long lost past. His hair is extremely long. He is wiry. His nose bridge is convex. His dark brown eyes are round. His slightly flattened ears are very short. His lips are thick. His quite short eyebrows are low. His nose is upturned. His hair is a thick mahogany. His skin is a pale brown. His beard is extremely long. He has slain many false deities and only worships Armok. He has killed two-hundred forgotten beasts. He is quite young, 30. He has eaten five hundred humans, two-hundred goblins, fifty forgotten beasts, and a thousand war elephants.
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts stared at the paper, a large smile on his face. He dropped his bloodsteel axe and his copper shield, and then placed them into both his left and right hand, respectively. He happily rubbed his beard, which has returned along with his age, and looked to this sky.
After eating the human Urist UristUrist's flesh that he had in his backpack, Urist Of the TwinkleButts yelled to the sky, "I will appease you again, my lord, oh great Armok, so just you wait!"
He then ran towards the necromancer's tower, hopeful that he may encounter and kill enough to become a Legendary+5 Axeman.
"Lord" Urist Of The Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman" II
"Lord" Urist Of The Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
The Lord wandered slowly through the brightly lit grasslands, not a tree in sight. In the distance, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts saw a tower made of stone that seemed to be surrounded by small, simple, adobe, homes. The master axeman began sneaking towards the tower, not wishing to alert the bowmen that may be near. The Lord saw an empty sniping balcony, so he quickly snuck a full frontal assault to the front door. Now crouching before the door, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts ate a human heart in preparation of going against those man-eating monsters. He stood up, and smashed through the reinforced iron door with one mighty swing of his legendary fist. He barged into the room, his weapons drawn and ready, only to come across a small horse. He shrugged, and easily decapitated the horse, but something happened. The horse was incinerated in a green flame, only leaving behind a black, hard, horse-like being. Using his observation skill, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts determined that this was, in fact, a strange sub-species of changeling that changed into horses instead of people.
He walked on top of the dead beast and, with one swift cut, perfectly butchered the beast. He collected the green meat and green blood from the beast, hoping they would be worth money, and looked around for a stairwell. After moving twenty tiles, the Lord found an Up/Down stairwell, both directions promising in different ways. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts took the high road, for it is usually where the necromancer/leader is.
After climbing the steps, the Lord came upon a room full of twenty horses, each looking drastically different and delicious, so he easily killed them all without a challenge. Sure, he was impaled in the groin by one of their horns, but that would heal after sleeping an hour or so, so he just shrugged it off and killed the one that impaled him by throwing the head of it's mom at it. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts harvested every last changeling, which did not slow him down as much as he expected. 'Maybe it is because I am young again?'
The Lord found another stairwell, this one only going up, and ascended it. The room he found was empty, so he just went to the next stairwell...
Jing Jong McDingDong: I am Jing Jong McDingDong, prepare to die!
The Leader, Jing Jong McDingDong, was an pony clad in golden armor and wielded a floating bow. An arrow from Jing Jong McDingDong pierced the right buttock of Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, which enraged the Lord. Urist charged at the leader, who was without any personnel, and managed to grab him by the neck with his left leg. With a swift motion, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts strangled the leader, Jing Jong McDingDong, knocking him unconscious. The Lord then severed the Leader's right arm. The Lord then severed the left buttock of the unconscious leader. The Leader let go of his bow. Jing Jong McDingDong vomited.The Lord then severed the groin of the unconscious leader. Jing Jong McDingDong vomited.The Lord then punched the leader's left eye. Jing Jong McDingDong vomited. The Lord then punched the leader's right eye. Jing Jong McDingDong vomited.Jing Jong McDingDong Woke up and tried to stab Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts with his arrow, but it missed and the Lord counterattacked by kicking Jing Jong McDingDong in the right upper tooth. Jing Jong McDingDong vomited.The Lord then strangled Jing Jong McDingDong once more. The Lord then decapitated Jing Jong McDingDong. Jing Jong McDingDong had been slain.
After Jing Jong McDingDong returned to his changeling state, which was slightly taller than the others, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts harvested his brain. The Lord then ateim Jong McDingDong's brain after a healthy cup of Jim Jong McDingDong's blood. The Lord walked merrily out of the building, and then walked a few meters, before laying on the soft, soft, grass.
"Goddamn monsters," he said, tired, covered in brain bits, baked in blood head to left pinky toe, and layered in vomit. Lots of vomit.
The Lord then set his sleep clock for eight hours...
Armok, the Best God Ever
Armok giggled at every swing that his little creation did to Jing Jong McDingDong, a general of the Changeling side of the peaceful "Changeling Republic". Armok had always wanted to kill that fool whenever he visited horse-god's house, for he had taken his amazing powers of espionage and used them to sabotage public unrest, the most beautiful of chaos. Armok cheered enthusiastically when the head was lobbed off, but then he felt somewhat hungry. Armok went to his kitchen and ate stuff, bringing along the Jar of Worlds to watch while he ate.
Queen Chrysalis
Queen Chrysalis is in a relaxing bubble bath. She is being scrubbed by her four best sons/lovers, for she has gotten too pregnant to move herself. Her sons/lovers roll her over, and begin to scrub her underside. Chrysalis is giggling as her third best son, Jong Jong McBongDong tickles her with the strings of the mop under her armpit. Seeing this, her other three sons begin doing the same, making their mother/lover laugh. She laughed and laughed, but then, suddenly, she coughed. Her sons stopped there, and watched with straight faces as her horn glowed.
"What's wrong, mom?" said the second best, McDing JongJong Jong. The others nodded in agreement of the question.
"Your brothers, Jing Jong McDingDong's clan..." said Queen Chrysalis, "they're... they're..."
Chrysalis cried uncontrollably, her sons confused on what was happening. Her sons hugged her, attempting to calm her down. After a few minutes, her tears and sobs became hearable words once more.
"My sons had been murdered!" She yelled, the entire hive shaking in anger.
In moments, the entire hive began to shake uncontrollably, Changelings began revving up.
"Who did this grievous crime, mother? Was it the ponies?" DongDongDongDong, the fourth best, said to his mother.
"No, my son," she said, tears baked into her uncomposed face, "for no son of mine would die in less than a minute to a bloody pony."
DongDongDongDong and his brothers stared at their mother, their angry faces defusing, and DongDongDongDong said, "did you say under a minute?"
Their mother/lover nodded.
"By the sweetest deity, we need to gather the army!" said McDing JongJong Jong, the military leader.
McDing JongJong Jong ran out of the royal bathing room as fast as he could, his brother, DongDongDongDong, the lieutenant following after him. 'War, thought McDing JongJong Jong, were declared'.
"Lord" Urist Of The Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts stood on top of a small group of three changelings that tried to off him in the night. They failed, of course, and now the Lord woke up to a breakfast of Prepared Changeling Brain and Green Changeling Blood. Finding it tasty, he filled himself up with it within moments. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts then butchered the changelings and took their skins and some of their bones. With the Changeling Bones and Changeling Skins, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts was able to create a Changeling Cape to show his victory. He removed his goblin-skin cape and, instead, wore the Changeling-skin Cape. The cape provided a lot of armor in case of sneak attacks, but was also light.
"Thanks," Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts said to the pile of dead bodies.
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts picked up one Changeling Groin and put it into his backpack before opening his map. Looking around, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts saw a rather large city to his East. The Lord closed his map and ventured forth unto the city, where he may find some meat shields... er, Companions, and maybe some artifact weapons to buy. Or he might find another town to burn...
Either would be fine, thought Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, then he yelled "For Armok!" and sprinted towards the city to the far East, still caked in blood and vomit.
Armok, the Best God Ever
Armok Blushed.
"Lord" Urist Of The Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman" III
"Lord" Urist Of The Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
After sprinting for about a day, Urist of The Divine TwinkleButts realized he was not thirsty nor hungry. The Lord yawned, and rubbed the inside of his mouth. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts felt fangs. 'Why did I drink the blood of that thing,' the Lord said, stomping the ground, 'now I have become an enemy to every civilization!'
After stomping the ground for a while, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts just sighed loudly, and continued on his walk.
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts arrived on the outskirts of the city. There was a large statue out in front that showed some sort of unicorn with wings. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts checked around for a statue of Armok, but to the Lords dismay, he found none. Quizzically, the Lord went into the town in search of a shrine to Armok. The Master Axeman was seen by a pony clad in armor and, instead of talking, the pony immediately fired a crossbow bolt at Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, which the Lord easily deflected. The Lord took one step, and suddenly, peasants came out from their homes. Expecting the whole town to converge on him like on his other travels back home, a mother horse was slain by the Lord via a punch to the face. The horse child was slain by the Lord by an axe to the face. while blocking yet another bolt with his reflexes. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts picked up the body of the child horse and threw it at the crossbow... horse. The crossbow horse dodged, but the crossbow horse threw up on the sight of the child's body exploding on impacting the nearby wall. As the crossbow horse threw up, another armored unicorn came, this one with no weapon. The Weaponless Unicorn was about to say something, but then Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts threw the mother horse at him, knocking off his head. The Weaponless Unicorn was slain, making the Crossbow Horse throw up once more in utter disgust. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts then fled into the house, where two child horses were huddled in a corner.
The Lord look around a bit and found a large chest containing everything the family once owned. The Lord threw the chest at the children. One child horse was slain after being crushed, the other child horse was knocked unconscious. The Lord ran to their bodies and, seeing how they were some evil, malevolent, non-Armok worshiping race, butchered their corpses and took 30 'Earth Pony Colt Meat' from their bodies.
So these things are called ponies?Aren't these what Dwarves rode before I slaughtered them?, The Lord thought.
The Lord sighed and licked the blood off of his body. When he was done licking, the Crossbow Horse finally arrived into the house. The Crossbow Horse fired a bolt, but it was deflected by Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts' <<Copper Shield>>. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts threw a Earth Pony Colt Corpse at The Crossbow Horse. The spinning Earth Pony Colt Corpse strikes The Crossbow Horse in the upper-body, tearing apart the left lung, right lung, and heart! The Crossbow Horse has trouble breathing and the Earth Pony Child Corpse has lodged firmly within the wound!The Crossbow Horse retches.The Crossbow Horse Suffocated.
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts got down on his knees and prayed that Armok would torture those merciless and foul creatures forever.
Armok, Cool Guy
"Sorry Bud," Armok said, eating High God Intestines, "can't do anything about that uglyhorsegod's ugly horses, although I would torture them forever... along with those evil creatures called 'Cats'."
"Lord" Urist Of The Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
The Lord got off his knee and went to the door leading outside. After opening the door, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts was met with and army of one-hundred peasants. The Lord smiled. First, off there was a father, and his son, trying to avenge their mother/wife and brothers/sons. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts swung his mighty Bloodsteel axe and decapitated the father.Unicorn Stallion died of having no head disease. The Lord then threw the father into the son. The Unicorn Stallion's Corpse stuck the Unicorn Colt's head, shredding the brain. Unicorn Stallion Corpse has lodged firmly into Unicorn Colt's head!Unicorn Colt died of having no brain. Urist dove into the bodies and began butchering them in front of the crowd. Everypony threw up. Then, of course, the smell was far too strong for pony noses. Everypony was knocked unconscious. Because of his superior will, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts was able to brave the puke sea and decapitate every sing unconscious pony. Those that woke up went right back down due to the stench of both blood and vomit ever present, so nopony was left alive, foreverypony had died of idiot disease.
Instead of running away like a first-time adventurer, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts instead opted to butcher EVERY LAST CORPSE. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts gathered all of the skins and bone, raided the now abandoned workshops for their iron, and took every last spleen. With the first three things he gathered, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts was able to make a new set of nice, light, armor. The Lord removed and dropped his heavier set of armor, except the cape, and the lord moved to a Armorsmith's bench.
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts created, and equipped, an <<Iron-Studded Unicorn Pony Leather Armor>>!
Desc: This Iron-Studded Unicorn Pony Leather Armor was crafted by Master Armorsmith Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts.
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts created, and equipped, "The Horned Helm", a legendary Iron-studded Unicorn Pony Leather Helmet!
Desc: The Horned Helm was crafted by Master Armorsmith Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts. It has a pair of miscolored pony ears (left blue, right red) and has a unicorn's horn in the middle. Engraved on the Unicorn's horn is a picture of Alvie of the Damned TwinkleButts, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts' best friend, giving a thumbs up. Engraved on the rim of the helmet is the words "Armok is good, Armok is blood."
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts created, and equipped, "The Horned Trousers", a legendary Iron-studded Unicorn Pony Leather Trousers!
Desc: The horned Trousers was crafted by Master Armorsmith Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts. Engraved on the upper left leg, on the front, is the picture of "The BloodRunner", Urist TwinkleButts' (Urist of the Divine TwinkleButt's dad) legendary Adamintite Toy Halberd, that slew 500 nightcreatures in one night. Engraved on the upper left leg, on the back, is a piece of cheese that Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts ate on the 3rd of Slate.
Tired of all the banging and the clanging and the woozout, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts went out of the city, and into the fields, once more. Reaching a place he felt comfortable (steep cliffs of two Z high surrounded him on seven sides, only one side open), Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts curled into a ball, ate a spleen, and went to sleep.
"Lord" Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman" IV—Dreams
"Lord" Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
The Lord was sitting in his pleasant abode in the city of RAAGH, a human city. After decades of adventuring, the fifty-year old Master Axeman had finally raised enough money to finally rest, much to the joy of his wife, Jiing of the Unpleasant SparkleButts, who was his companion in his adventures. The Lord then made this home with his own hands, and in a month, his wife was pregnant with twins. Years traveled on and on since then, and so now Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts watched as his wife made dinner for him and their two little boys, Urist of the Urist and Urist Urist Urist, who were currently sparring outside before dinner. The boys were, like their father, gifted in the art of killing. They were both born with an Accomplished level in both shield and Axemanship, and they have both become legendary at the age of twelve. Urist Urist Urist and Urist of the Urist, though, are very competitive, unlike their father, so they get in fights unlike any boys their age—with actual axes. Nobody ever gets hurt, though, for their father always wrestles them to the floor and tickles them out of their bloodlust—which they did inherit from their father.
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, although he will not ever admit it, was afraid of his children, but not because of his skill. It is because he, when he was young, aimed his bloodlust at his father. At the age of eighteen, the Lord challenged his father for the ownership of the "The Blood Runner". The Lord lost to his father, of course, and was then ridiculed by his father for being weak. It was then, during the middle of the night, when the Lord ran away from home to become an adventurer... but that was decades ago. Urist never found out what happened to his father after his departure, but he did discover his old house when he was thirty. The house was abandoned and worn down, and when Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts went to see what happened to the family there, the town didn't know either. It was only at the age of thirty-five where Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts was able to finally control his bloodlust and start to calm down. The Lord then met Jiing of the Unpleasant SparkleButts, whom helped him calm down further until he finally decided to rest.
The Lord worried that, like their father, his children will seek either his blood, or each others' blood. In fact, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts was so scared, that after he finished the meal his wife cooked, he looked at his kids.
"Sons," The Lord said, "I am signing you up to be Imperial Warriors."
Expecting a backlash, the Lord hung his head in anticipation and shame.
"Fucking finally, old fuck!" Urist Urist Urist yelled, his brother headbanging in agreement.
The kids flipped the table, and said in unison, "We're going to be fucking heros, bitches!"
Thirty years later, the goblin king sieged the final human town, RAAGH. The frontline against the siege consisted of Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, his twins who had become Axelords, his wife who was a Legendary crossbow woman, and a few dozen other human lords. The attackers had hundreds of thousands of goblin grunts. The siege attack lasted months, for no goblin could pass through the defenses of twenty eighty-year old axelords and the twin axelords. Any goblin that tried was instantly decapitated and thrown back into the crowd to firmly lodge into the brain of some other poor sod. Sadly, though, their numbers were far too many for the town and, within a day, a group of one-hundred crossbow goblins decimated the frontline. Urist of the Urist was slain, Urist Urist Urist became enraged, and Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts became enraged. The Lord and his son ran down the defenses and straight into the thousand-strong army. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts sliced and diced every goblin he could while his son provided back-up for his aged father, and after some time, the goblins finally retreated. It was at this time that Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts realized that everything was over, for he would not be around for long. He went to his son's dead body and put it in his backpack.
"My son," The Lord said to Urist Urist Urist, "this empire is doomed, but not all is lost, for we are here."
His son nodded, his eyes clouded in tears and goblin blood. He drank the blood from his eyes.
"We need to disperse. I will go and make Urist of the Divine Urist into some form of undead, while you go and attempt to assassinate the vampiric goblin king, ok?"
"I," Urist Urist Urist said, "I agree, but what about mom?"
The Lord turned to his wife, who then turned to him quizzically, and he said, "will you prepare our graves for us?"
His wife nodded, a slight smile on her face, and began digging into the ground with her crossbow.
He turned to his son one last time and said, "Now fuck off, you SQWUAK"
"Lord" Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts woke up from his dream. The Lord sighed and dug into his backpack. The Lord got some good meat to eat, and then realized something. He pulled out his son from the backpack and laid him across the field. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts then bit his son's corpse in the neck, in an attempt to revive him with his curse. The Lord slurped all over his son's neck, but after an hour, began to suspect that this was not enough. The Lord shoved his son back into his backpack. The Lord then looked at his map, determining which town to drink blood from next...
"Lord" Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman", "Changeling Human" V
"Lord" Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman", "Changeling Human"
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts looked at his map, a few tiles away from the nearest city, which was on top of some tall mountain, and a few drops of sweat pelts the paper.
"It's hot," the Lord observes, "I would rather be somewhere cold, not climbing some mountain."
Looking at his map, there seemed to be only one city located in the frozen tundra that is always near the cap of each regenerated world. After skimming further, the Lord noticed that there was, indeed, several necromancer's towers in the tundra, too. Perhaps, the Lord reasoned, there is a necromancer's slab somewhere around there. The Lord looked at his backpack, which was leaking blood from lots of stuff, and smiled at his son's corpse. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts stretched his now immortal body and set out to 'The Hive', one of those necromancer's towers. There better not be more of those bug-horses, Urist thought, but if there is, then there must be a slab that turned them that way. The Lord looked around as he walked and thought, am I going to grow chitin?
The Lord stopped and pulled out his description.
"Lord" Urist Of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman", "Changeling Human"
A medium-sized creature prone to great ambition.The folk of men is a lost one. They built mighty cities and roads, fortresses and castles, but they have all been burnt down or buried and forgotten. Having had an intrepid mind, they invented stuff. Be sure to stay away from their forgotten crypts, lest you be exploded with technology of a long lost past. His hair is extremely long. He is wiry. His nose bridge is convex. His dark brown eyes are round. His pupils are red. His slightly flattened ears are very short. His lips are thick. His Lips are green. His quite short eyebrows are low. His nose is upturned. His hair is jet-black. His skin is made of chitin. His skin is pitch black. His beard is extremely long. He has slain many false deities and only worships Armok. He has killed two-hundred forgotten beasts. He is quite young, 30. He has eaten five hundred humans, two-hundred goblins, fifty forgotten beasts, a dozen bug-changeling-ponies and a thousand war elephants.
"So I'm black?" Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts asked noone in particular, "Cool."
The Lord then put away his description and went back to walking, not a single care in the world, for Armok was always watching and protecting from his throne.
Armok: Best God Ever, I mean seriously how could anyone not worship him.
Armok took a large dump in his living toilet and then wiped his butt with the Toilet Paper God. When the best god ever flushed, he smiled as the sewage was blasted out the back of his house and onto the house of Odin, god of fuck-all. As Odin was asleep, though, Armok did not get the pleasure of hearing his womanly shriek.
Armok went back to the dinner table without washing his hands and began eating God Flesh Drumsticks. He stared at the jar again, smiling at Urist stupidnames' travelings, as he also clipped his yard-long nails.
[SMACK]
Armok stood up, hearing his neighbor, stupidhorsegodwhoheisabsolutelynotattracedtoinanyway's, door slam open. Great lord Armok, king of lower god realm, duke of upper god realm, duke of True Earth, duke of God's God's realm, and archduck of Duck God's God's God's realm, ran like a little, constipated, poodle straight to the window facing their house. Looking out, Armok watched as the sexyhorsegodofstupidhorses stared into the jar. Armok stared at her staring at the jar for a full five minutes, panting at what God's God's Judge will do to him if he was caught messing with another God's God's jar of worlds. Armok has already had fifteen quadrillion sexual harassment strikes, five-thousand assault charges, and thirty-five thousand charges of God-killing—if Armok gets one more he may be bunked down to the lowly God status!
Happily, though, Assholesungod exited the house, too, and distracted his horsewife, who then put the jar into her Pocket God Dimension. Armok sighed and closed the curtains.
"YES!" Armok screeched in his home.
"I hope he isn't raping a minor god again," Horsegodofstupid said to her husband, who just nodded in agreement. They both went inside after that, hoping no more horrific sounds penetrate their safe home.
"Lord" Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman", "Changeling Human"
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts stood on top of a small gang of changeling-ponies. The Lord gathered a small sample of their blood for later drinking, and continued on towards the necromancer's base a few tiles away. From where the Lord was, he could see a vague outline of a base, but the constant heavy snow obscured any detail. The Lord sighed and sprinted towards the base, which was the only real thing out here in the tundra that he could see.
In an hour, The master axeman finally reached the outskirts of the base. Crossbow Changeling Shot a bolt at the Changeling Human, but it was blocked by his <<Copper Shield>>.The Changeling-Human threw a Changeling Blood Sample at the Crossbow Changeling, shattering the skull and lacerating the brain. The Changeling Blood has lodge firmly in the wound! The Crossbow Changeling died. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts looked at the side of the wall, which looked climbable. Using his vast strength and stamina, the Changeling Human managed to climb to the space above the Crossbow Changeling's corpse. The Lord jumped from the wall, onto the corpse, and managed to not break his legs. The Lord grabbed the corpse and threw it at the iron-bar secured door in front of him, smashing the door open. Walking straight in, the lord saw that there was about five-hundred of these changelings, and he would have felt fear...
Except that all of them were unarmed and naked.
The Lord stood upon a pile of corpses, five hundred disembodied heads in his backpack. The Lord then went to a door with strange insignias on it. The Human Changeling Pushed, but was unable to bust the door open. The Lord then backed away from the door and pelted it with the five-hundred heads. After about two-hundred, the door waned and fell into the floor, revealing a giant mother changeling with a giant, fire-hot, horn that was pointed straight at him. The Beast charged at him faster than any beast he had seen before, impaling the Lord through the shoulder that then proceeded to melt Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts from the inside-out. With his will, the now dying Lord sliced off the beasts' horn, allowing him to stand on his own. The Beast fell unconscious from losing its horn.Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts dropped his <<Copper Shield>>, for his arm fell off, melted to bone. The Lord then noticed something amazing about the descripiton of the beast's horn.
Chrysalis' Horn: A complex horn that, unlike any other changeling's, is able to wrap a body, dead or alive, in a chrysalis to make them into a drone.
Without questioning anything, Urist threw his son's body, which was covered in demon blood, out and jabbed it with the horn. Instantly, his son was encased in a blood-red chrysalis, and the Lord watched with tears as his son was being brought back, albeit with chitin for skin. The Lord decapitated "Chrysalis" with his axe. Queen Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, creator of the Changeling-Griffon Alliance, and loving ruler, had died!
The Lord hugged the red chrysalis for some time, happier than he ever has been...
Urist of the Divine Urist, Forgotten Beast, has awakened! With a quizzical eyebrow movement, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts watched as his son grew holes throughout his body, two demonic horns on his head, and a long, deadly, tounge. Before the Lord could say anything, Urist of the Divine Urist stabbed him in the head with Chrysalis' Horn. The Chrysalis' Horn has lodged firmly into the wound!....
"I, The Greatest Artificial Demon of all Time, will start The Age of Death, and nobody shall get in my way!"
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts has died!
Armok
"The Fuck? This shit again?"
Armok stared at the screen, his mouth agape. With a snap of his fingers, the save file of Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts before his demise was created. With a single, red, tear Armok put his save file into a much larger jar—the jar of Armok's Heaven, where warriors can fight indefinitely or rest forever.
"Don't worry Urist of the Stu—Divine TwinkleButts, at least you had fun by losing, right? Kinda sucks how your kid was the one who got you, but at least it wasn't a stupid horse."
Armok then went into another jar, and with a smile, pulled out a new character to plunge into this world. This time, though, it was a child...
Othob Udos was lying in freshly fertilized farmland, tired of harvesting these succulent Plump Helmets that seemed to grow non-stop in their underground sanctuary. Udos has never seen the light of day like his grandfather, the Expedition Leader, making his skin quite pale. Bored, Othob pulled out his "Personal Sketch Pad" where he wrote out who he was currently and what he has done throughout his life.
Othob Udos, "Master Grower"
A medium-sized creature prone to great ambition.The dwarven folk are an innovative one. They build mighty cave fortresses that harness the energy of the world, although they sometimes dig too deep. Having an incredulous amount of strength and stamina for their size, they are deadly with their weapons, which were freshly forged by their own hands. Be sure to stay on their side, otherwise your people will be cut into bits and you're fortress demolished.He is a worshiper of Armok.He is a child of the fort, MurderedCheeseHe is Cave Adapted.He Hates Caves. His left eye is gone. He is lacking a small amount of blood. His hair is extremely long. He is tall, but thin. His nose bridge is convex. His deep blue eyes are round. His slightly flattened ears are medium-sized. His lips are thin. His quite bushy eyebrows are low. His nose is dipped a little. His hair is a jet-black color. His skin is a pale white color. He has Freckles on his nose.
Udos then drew a magnificent etch of himself, albeit taller and with an awesome beard like his dad, on his sketch pad with a piece of coal, while also eating a Plump Helmet. In the picture, Udos is a tall, burly, man with flowing hair and a flowing, braided, beard with a wonderful, Legendary Adamantite dagger called "Dex" by his right hand side, held in the loop of his dark grey pants. Udos is also wearing a green, ripped, shirt, just like the one he wears now, that is covered by a leather cloak that is dyed purple. In the picture, Udos wears a pair of wooden clogs, which have engravings of dwarves fighting, and a pair of plain, black, socks that are barely seen due to the long pants. The grey pants, too, have etches, but the etches are just of a piece of cheese that Udos once admired. The cloak has the engraving of his fort's insignia, a horse that is being beaten to death by a piece of cheese, which symbolizes glory for his people, for bandits always ride in on those darn things. And, as a finale, Udos drew himself looking at that what he has always wished to see with his... eye—the mysterious sun that his grandfather tells stories about.
Udos' grandfather always told the children that, 'once they were adults, they would be allowed to exit the fort and see the sun, but because of the rise of goblins, the dwarves must hide inside while they are at their weakest, like during their childhood.'
Udos, in an act of rebellion, attempted to break out of the cave once when he was younger, but, sadly, he ran into a spike trap, which tore up his face and gouged out his left eye. Happily, though, the diagnoser was able to see the missing eye and administered one doctor and one surgeon to him. If that diagnoser was not there, no one would ever know that Udos' eye was ripped out and that blood was spilling everywhere.
After that event, Udos did not want to go outside for many years, but after some time, he has found this urge to go outside once more.
Udos got up from the ground, a little dirty, so he put the Plump Helmets into the stockpile and then went to the swimming pool. After nearly drowning for a few days, Udos felt clean and refreshed. Udos played with his pet War Dog♀ on his way to his room. The dog was his dad's old adventuring companion, but now that she has gotten old and weak, she stays inside to relax and play. The War Dog♀ is always happy around Udos, and the reverse is also true, for it was the War Dog♀ that the boy grew up along.
Anyway, when the boy finally made it to his room, he found his dad, on top of the covers, and his mom, under the covers, sleeping as usual. Going to his bed, which his slightly mad grandfather placed in the closet, Udos and the War Dog♀ went to sleep together. He cuddled up next to her and dreamt of the future....
[SLAM]
Udos got up suddenly, his heart pounding. The door was open and, standing in it, was the War Dog♀, which was growling. Udos was walking to the War Dog♀, only for it to close the door with a locking sound. Udos looked through a crack in the door, seeing nothing but the War Dog♀. He was about to attempt to unlock and open the door, but then a gleaming metal shone in his eye for just a moment before descending...
Udos was horrified and went into the corner of his closet-room, trying not to make a sound. The monsters rammed the door over and over, but were unable to open the solid, adamantite, door. Udos covered himself with his covers, tears rolling down his face, as he heard little pieces of metal moving inside the door...
The door opened in a smooth motion...
A human with steel armor and a steel greataxe entered the room, smiling at Udos' small, quivering body...
The Human charged the child, but the child swiftly dodged in a panic and winded up behind the human. The human struck again, but missed. Udos ran into his family's room, where they all lay dead. Stressed and horrified beyond the breaking point, Udos searched, in a panic, for something to protect himself with. Pulling out a small, wooden, buckler and his father's dagger, Udos then turned around, face to face with the human. The human sliced off Udos' right ear. Udos stabbed the human in the leg.The human fell over.The Human attempted to slice Udos, but Udos dodged the attack, winding up behind the human again. Udos stabbed the human in the neck with the dagger, slicing a major artery. The Human sliced Udos' chest in return, opening a major artery. Udos fell unconscious. The Human fell unconscious. Neither of them ever regained consciousness.
"Until now!" Armok said, watching as Udos was appearing in the world... with a little dog by his side.
Othob woke up laughing and pushing away the War Dog♀. The boy pet the War Dog♀ and slowly stood up, his bones popping as he ascended. Othob's face was covered by a disheveled leather hood, which he then moved from his eyes. When he removed the leather hood from his vision, he was suddenly blinded with a sudden amount of light. The boy squinted, his heart rate beating fast, and his face brightening into a smile. The strange slices of green tickled his feet as he walked, using the large trees to guide him. The boy had seen trees before when they were brought in to be cut by the adults, but right now, he was looking at them with a smile of admiration. The boy was uncomfortably warm, so he leaned onto a nearby tree and undressed himself while the War Dog♀ kept watch.
Taking off the leather things on him, Uthob realized that the garments that were on him were the traditional Child's Burial Garments, which made him raise an eyebrow. He then proceeded to take off his belt, but as he was doing so, he felt something on his side. A sheath, with some weapon in it. Uthob Udos unsheathed the weapon and revealed his father's legendary dagger, Dax, which was covered in blood. Uthob then looked at the clothes on him. His face shriveled up, his pupils went wide and irritated, his young beard-hairs tingled, and his face went flaccid in that moment of realization and remembrance.
Othob sheathed the knife and knelt down towards the War Dog♀ and hugged it tightly for about an hour. The boy wiped away tears that he shed and got back up and looked to the sky. A large, bright, object that must be the Sun shone right in his right eye, which made him close it immediately, but, to his surprise he watched as a colorful animal shot through the sky.
The boy looked back at the tree, his right eye closed, and felt odd. He looked back into the sky, the Sun covered by a cloud, with both his eyes, and said, with a straight face, "Thank you."
"You're Welcome," Armok said, drinking the blood he borrowed from the StupidHorseGod.
The boy continued to stare for a little, but before long he looked at the War Dog♀, which was jumping up and down his leg. Uthob Udos pet the War Dog♀ on its cute little head, then looked back at the pile of leather clothing before him. The boy chose the ☼Child's Burial Hood (Green)☼, ☼Child's Burial Vest (Black)☼, his ☼Copper Leggings☼, his <<Low Boots>>, and the ☼Child's Burial Gloves (Black)☼, while Uthob deconstructed the ☼Child's Burial Pants (Brown)☼ and his own Cloth Shirt to create a makeshift Cloth Backpack for his journey.
The boy looked around for his home mountain, but could not see any mountain through the thick trees, so he instead chose to walk in a single direction to find a way out of this forest. While walking, the War Dog♀ started growling and barking and crying as a strange cackling sound passed overhead. When Uthob looked up, he saw a flying figure. Hiding in the nearby bush, and having calmed the War Dog♀, the boy watched the flying figure stop following the sound and retreat somewhere else.
After it left, the boy and the War Dog♀ continued on their walk out of this strange forest.
Armok, Cool mcAwesomeGod
Armok sat down with his old friend, Odin.
"I see you are in the horsie's world too, friend," Odin said, drinking a cup of tea.
"Yeah, although I am sure I am there for a different purpose," Armok said, eating the cheese platter in the middle of the elegant table. His manners are not well, so his side of the table is already dirty with crumbs and juice. Odin wasn't bothered.
"Well, I am there for conquest, what about you?"
"Fun," Armok said smiling.
"I suppose that is cool, but I hope our characters do not run into eachother like last time," Odin said, twirling his cup of blood around.
"When did you get in?"
"Oh," Odin said thinking, "about a God Year ago, I noticed a chip of glass on the street," he gulped his drink, spilling a little on the table, "after all this time, I was able to hack into her Jar and input whatever I want since a God Week ago... How about you?"
"A little less than a God Week ago she was out sunbathing the world again, so I just put a piece of my own Jar in hers to hack into it."
"She is a very weak god not to notice," Odin said as his slave filled his cup with their virgin blood.
"Oh, she was off with her husband and threw her Jar of Worlds into her pocket dimension," Armok said, declining the virgin blood as he was full.
"That's why I have been getting poor reception?" Odin said, pulling out his Jar to reveal a very blurry picture.
"Oh," Armok said, pulling out his jar, "let me help you in the reception."
The Gods scooted close together, their dirty, hot, muscular, bodies getting extremely close. Armok removed his shirt, revealing his bulging muscles, and wrapped his arms around Odin, squeezing tight. The God of Depravity whispered words into Odin's ear while Odin slowly closed his eyes and nodded slowly. Armok let go and before too very long, the reception got better.
"I always wondered why our God makes making an oath so hard," Odin said, blood spewing everywhere Armok touched.
"Hey, you know oaths are powerful, especially if we are borrowing Jareception," Armok said, putting on his red shirt to blend in with his blood, "at least neither of us have to die."
"Yeah," Odin said, his slave licking up his blood, "but why can't we just pinky swear?"
"Because our God is a dick among his siblings," Armok said, pulling off blonde beard hairs from his black beard, "I mean, at least we do not have Toady as a god."
Odin and Armok shivered, dreading the thought. Not feeling like talking anymore, they resumed their eating.
"Then why would I care," Celestia said with a smile and tired eyes, still wearing her jamies, "Maybe it is a nice human, I mean it did kill those bugs."
The General looked at her like a statue.
"What?"
"Don't you remember what I am?"
"Oh yeah, sorry."
"It is okay my liege," the Generals said, "but I think I should leave now."
"Okay..." the General left, "fucking bug."
The Princess then got into her bed and, after hours of listening to nobles and that bug general, slept.
Finally in some sort of clearing in the forest, Uthob Udos climbed up a tree to see where he was in relation to the forest. All the boy saw was, seemingly endless, amounts of happy green trees and, off in the distance, large flocks of some rather big birds. The boy could not see the giant birds clearly, but after some time staring at them, he realized that they were far bigger than him, and like a true dwarf, got out of sight by sliding back down the tree. Happy that he did not break half his body doing that, Othob sat down and pet the War Dog♀, all the while deciding where he should go.
After twelve minutes, Uthob felt the need to follow wherever that cackling thing's follower went. The boy and the War Dog♀ stood up and sprinted in the direction of the follower.
Ring RIngDing Jong Jing, Leader of the Changeling Rebellion against "It"
RingDing Jong Jing, Jing Jongie, George, Jingjingjing, and JONG sat at a round table, each of them armored up to the maximum. RingDing Jong Jing sported a thick, green, button up general's uniform from the fallen Pony Republic of the long past as he looked upon his brethren. The Leader's teeth oozed with anger, as did everyone else's, and some of the ooze fell and dissolved parts of the table.
"JONG," RingDIng Jong Jing said, catching the behemoth JONG's attention, "what happened to the rest of your division during your last strike?"
"Well my dear," the giant, stupid, idiot said, "we seemed to have done severe damage to the beast's right arm, but at the horrific cost of a few dozen Behemoths."
RingDing Jong Jing smashed his hand into the table, the sound echoing throughout the room, and then said, "Damn it all, JONG! You know we can't reproduce until I mature, which could be centuries for all we know!"
JONG lowered his head and said, "I am sorry, mistress."
RingDIng Jong Jing sighed, "What about your squad of magic users, Jing Jongie?"
"Our team," the small, red-eyed, wingless, changeling said, "used our magic to retrieve one of the beast's magical items."
Jing Jongie used his powerful horn with an orange hue to levitate the strange axe to the Leader. The leader took it in her own magical grasp and observed it.
"Anything of use?" RingDing Jong Jing asked.
"Well, after looking over it with the spell 'Observation', our team discovered that the axe was the weapon that the father of 'it' used to fight off a legion of us, and," the red-eyed changeling smiled, "with the spell 'Observation II', we have found a way to recreate this strange, and god-like, metal!"
The Leader looked on in awe and asked, "How long will it take to recreate this?"
"My lord, we had had the materials for this all of this time, but we never knew that some iron, ash, and a barrel of blood!"
The Leader smiled, "Good job Jing Jongie, you may have given us a way to fight off the beast!"
Jing Jongie Blushed.
"Now," the Leader said, "George."
George looked at the leader.
"How is the Metamorphosis Program going?"
George smiled.
"Good," the Leader said, relieved a little, "how many new recruits?"
George thought of a little, counting.
"George?"
"About two thousand," George whispered.
Fixing her hair from the knockback, the Leader smiled, "good job, George!"
George smiled before going back to drooling onto the table.
"Now, how about your scout army Jingjingjing?" The Leader asked.
Jingjingjing shook and vibrated as his teeth started to chatter.
"What is it?"
JIngjingjing looked at the leader and said, "one of our sources from inside Canterlot told me that," JingJingjing puked, "they told me that there was another."
"Another what?"
...
"You can't mean?"
"Yes," Jingjingjing said, shitting, "we found out that there was a malevolent, undead, beast just like 'It'!"
"It's an undead, too?" The Leader screamed, surprised, "Where is it?"
"I have no clue, but it was seen last by the Princess of the Skies near the Foal Mountains, in the forest at the base of the mountains!"
The Leader sighed, "then, hopefully, the equestrians will take care of it."
Jingjingjing smiled fakingly, and thought, but not even the superpowered ponies could stop that menace...
He instead said, laughing a little, "Yeah, they must be able to!"
...
...
Then boring politics happened.
Armok
Armok sat down on his couch and turned on his flat screen television. He put the Jar of Worlds to the side and watched Panty and Stockings with Garterbelt all day.
Armok returned to looking at the Jar after a GOD DAY of Panty and Stocking, which is basically an entire mortal week of bullshit.
Uthob Udos, Child
Uthob and the War Dog♀ finally reached the end of the expansive forest. The sun was setting and it was quite warm. On the horizon, Uthob was able to see tall, but thin, mountains off in the distance. The boy gave a sigh of relief and rested on a above-ground root while the War Dog♀ laid down in front of him. Using "Dex", the legendary dagger, the boy chopped his hair to be about the same size as his beard, which was coming along nicely, which is to be expected of a dwarf of his age. The boy sighed and watched as the War Dog♀ ate the flies around it.
"Hey, War Dog♀," the boy said, the War Dog♀ perking up its ears, "we never gave you a name, did we?"
The War Dog♀ rose and shook its head then looked at the boy.
"What kind of name would you like?"
The War Dog♀ tilted its head seemed to think for a while before getting up from the ground. The dog looked around and grabbed something out of sight with its jaws. The War Dog♀ brought the thing and dropped it into the boy's lap.
"A rabbit?" the boy asked the War Dog♀ with a smile on his face, "so you want the name 'Rabbit'?"
The War Dog♀ shook its head strongly.
The boy thought a little, then said, "Hopper?"
The War Dog♀ shook its head a little.
"Jumper?"
The War Dog♀ shook its head lightly.
The boy thought harder, then said, "does it have to do with the bunnies white color?"
The War Dog♀ nodded, but was then distracted by another fly, which was dispatched with ease.
"Can you give me another hint, girl?" the boy asked playfully, petting the War Dog♀ for its skill at catching those little demons.
The War Dog♀ nodded, got up, sprinted somewhere and, in no time, returned with a gold ring.
The boy looked at the ring and said, "I'll ask you about that later, but what does the ring mean?"
The War Dog♀ took the dead, white, bunny and laid it on the ground. The War Dog♀ then got the golden ring and laid it, on its side, above the rabbit's head like some spirit.
"You know angels do not exist, right girl?" Uthob said, petting the War Dog♀ happily, before the rolled over onto its back "but I would be happy to name you after a demon, you cutie!"
The boy then proceeded to think about the name while, simultaneously, rubbing his dog's belly for about a minute before stopping.
"How about I name you after that one possessed bunny that you killed?"
The dog tilted its head and, after some time, began to nod.
"Alright," the boy said, trying to think of a shorter name than 'KILLGAX VI OF THE DEADBLOOD BUNNIES OF THE AGE OF LEGENDS OF THE KINGDOM OF RAGHZ', "how about Cutie?"
The War Dog♀ tilted its head before happily nodding in agreement.
The boy smiled, got up, and said, "Alright, Cutie, let's go," the boy looked in front of him with a large grin, "to that mountain over there."
Cutie barked happily and followed Uthob as he walked towards the mountain.
The Empress of the most unstable empire in the world, where every single moment counts towards potential dissolution of the empire, was in a drunken stupor during a meeting with her ambassador, who was explaining the situation at hand. The Empress wasn't listening, but she nodded along with whatever he was saying, since it was pretty boring, until he got this serious look in his eyes. She opened her ears and listened.
"I believe it is our best interest to," the ambassador started. The Empress had a sudden headache possibly caused from flying into her throne during a race with her sister, Hilga, and could not hear the second part.
"Yeah, sure, whatever," The Empress said, pinching the area between her eyes to try to mitigate the pain of the headache.
"Really?" the ambassador said happily.
"Yes, really," she said, the headache dissipating.
The ambassador got up and said, "I have to go tell our allies the news!"
Before the Empress could say anything, the happy, black feathered, gryphon flew out the balcony door and B-lined to Equestria. The Empress just stopped faking soberness and went to her chambers to get to her secret stash.
President Gilda II of the Gryphonic Republic
The room is dark, clean, and the delicious smell of meat coursed throughout. The sound of explosions and screams echo outside, and the air is thick with tension. A torch is lit, revealing the President sitting down at the dinner table. Four of the Five Generals of the Republic walk into the room, their green and brown war fatigues worn, dirtied by the combat outside. The capital of the Republic was being sieged by a couple of the Empire's brigades. The President was eating while also writing on papers, but halted herself when the generals came in.
"What is the situation outside?" She asked as soon as they were seated.
The first general, an accomplished Empire General who left because of moral reasons, sighed and said, "We of the Final Defense Force will win this battle, but their relentless attacks are going to dwindle our forces down to half."
The other two generals looked at the President simultaneously, and they both said, "The negotiations are going poorly, and they seem to be unwilling to co-operate, but our spying has shown a great weakness we can exploit."
"What?" The President asked, intrigued.
"In about two hours, their most advanced automaton, a Bronze Colossus, will be heading our way, which may seem bad, but," they snickered, "it seems that the Colossus was not properly programmed and is prone to rampaging if a particular circuit is dented even a little."
"How will we dent the circuit?" the President asked, smiling a little.
"It seems, Mrs. President, that the circuit is located on the back of the Colossus' head, covered by a thin, Bronze, plate that our arrows, which will be shot from the enemy's side by our brave spies, would easily go through and, hopefully, dent that circuit."
"Is it worth the potential loss of a spy?"
"Truthfully, yes, for the spies who have agreed to this are in the perfect position to shoot the Colossus without anyone spotting them, so any loss would be their own mistake."
The President rubbed her chin and then said, "Will we be able to gain control of the Colossus?"
"Somewhat," the two said, "We will have to kill and disassemble it, but we already have a copy of the behemoth's blueprints, so we'd just have to fix it up."
The President grinned, "Great!"
The two generals blushed a little before returning to being serious, and then said, "Well, look at the time, only an hour before it arrives..."
The Punk
"Fuck those bipedal monsters."
Princess Luna
Princess Luna rested happily in her soft bed, since the sun was the only celestial object to be out today. The Princess looked at her drawer and took out a picture, which she held very dearly in her heart, and hugged it tight to her. The big stallion of Ponyville she had met had been a very cute stallion, but sadly, her duties did not allow her to stay with him for long. Usually at night she would go into his dreams and help him in those cutesy dreams of adventure.
Luna went to sleep and dreamed about Big mac.
Princess Cadence
The Princess was knocked out after a hard day of doing nothing but getting drunk.
Shining Armor
This guy was eating sandwiches quietly and happily with his sister. Not much else, really.
King Sombra
Yep, still dead.
Urist of the Divine Urist, King of the Changelings.
The King was determined. The King was Vigilant. The King would not rest until that one thing standing in his way was thrown away. The booger stood no chance as the King flung it into his Chitin Trash Bin, his nose finally clean. The King smiled happily, for now nothing stood in his path to conquest. He laughed maniacally.
Leopold, the King of the Wastes
Desert was everywhere and everyone was sad.
Prince Blueblood II
He slept next to his fiance, a smile on his face.
Alrik
Alrik slept under a mare's bed.
Armok
Armok watched Elfen Lied for the infinith time this eternity with a smile on his face.
Odin
Odin, sadly, had diarrhea. Also, his toilet is clogged. Also, he went temporarily blind.
