“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
― Oscar Wilde
Chapter 1: Cold Coffee
His coffee was cold.
Reaching out he tapped a select few keys on a laptop; it’s back lit keyboard providing a meaningless addition to the dim illumination that pervaded the room. The room of course, could have been better lit; but that would have require unplugging things, moving things and otherwise taking time away from his current project. This would have required him to both care about the darkness and possess warm coffee for motivation.
His coffee was still cold.
He had been awake for several days now, as so often sleep eluded him when a milestone was close. Not that he would have slept anyway, he also liked to elude sleep; often with the help of a nice big, boiling hot, pot of coffee.
Which had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that his current cup of coffee was cold.
The laptop chirped, followed by another, and another all against the back ground hum of three large mismatched towers in various states of disassembly; a spiders nest of wires strung between them and a trio of server racks against the far wall swaying gently with the vibrations of the devices hard drives.
Which still had nothing to do, with the crime that his precious coffee was cold.
He spun around on the office chair, left leg lying flat as if ready to be sat upon crossed, other parallel to his chest, his bearded chin resting upon a denim covered knee. The laptops chirped again, followed by a sequence of piercing beeps made in agreement by the towers; only a low, but resonate buzz from the servers listed dissent among the machines.
He lifted the coffee cup to his lips, taking a sip knowing all too well, that his coffee was still unfortunately cold.
Gagging while swallowing he rubbed his eyes under the edge of his glasses before returning the aching orbs to the terminal open on the laptop before him.
“Execute Experiment? (Y/N)” it’s most recent line read, offering no other information to its user. No other information was needed in actuality, he wrote the program that was running it could have read “For Pony!” or “How you do’in?” for all he cared. The simple fact that he was being prompted by his custom software told him that his project was about to enter one of what he affectionately called the three states of “damn it”. The first state; he mused as he spun the chair to check the information scrolling across the screens of the other machines, was “damn it, didn’t work”, which in all honesty is what he expected most. Satisfied that the information on the other machines was correct, he sent the chair into a spin with one hand; letting inertia slow him down until he sat before the questioning computer. The second state of “damn it” was “Damn, it did work!” which was the most unlikely; not because he didn't think he could accomplish his goals, but rather that this project working would be a good thing, and his life had taught him good things didn’t happen to him before two terrible things occurred after another good thing. He was also good at math, and only one terrible life crushing thing had occurred to him recently; hence he believed the third state would be more likely than the second.
One of the servers beeped, sending a once inert line of LED’s into illumination, followed by another, and another each stabbing at the electronic twilight with star like points of light; indicating that his homes power grid was at peak capacity, thus ready for the significant draw of the experiment. He stood putting down his cold coffee in the one naked space among the mass of electronics, scrap paper, notebooks wires and laptops that long concealed a desk. Stretching his back to a comforting pop his gaze drifted over is organized chaos at a plain black cylinder resting on a table a few feet beyond the pile of cast off work-stuff, its sleek lines returning him to his previous line of thought. The third state of “Damn it” was “Damn it, I’m dead” which when working with exotic particles no one had names for yet, rare earth metals imported from china and second rate uranium one purchased online through less than legal means from a less than legal source was still very possible.
In truth, it was worse than that.
He’d be dead and his coffee would still be cold.
He didn't move for what seemed like forever, eyes locked on the black cylinder; mind fighting fatigue to crunch numbers over and over; his gaze eventually shifted to a pair of dry erase boards opposite the server racks, covered with equations, graphs, diagrams and of course a crudely drawn image of a phallus.
He smirked. He had drawn the offending image in frustration days earlier. Looking at it now brought to mind the words, as well as the voice of a former friend. “No one is gayer than strait men! Seriously! Leave them alone with a white board and a marker and in less than ten minutes there will be a penis on it!”
A very flamboyant former friend.
It felt good to smile, especially at the memory of his former friend Leo and Leo’s husband to be. He didn’t keep the expression for long, it was foreign to his facial muscles which eventually began to ache. Being much more accustomed to a neutral expression that could only be described as a scowl.
His bespectacled eyes cast down at the laptop that continued to question, Yes or no. He pressed two fingers to the bridge of his nose, breaking from the blissfully sterile thoughts rooted in mathematics to give a passing effort to banishing ennui that rose from the memory. He wouldn't admit to himself, even though he knew it to be true that he missed his friends, rather former friends he was painfully reminded by their absence. They had been the people closest to him, small motes of "not terrible" in his largely self disappointing life. They had been closer than his own blood relations that a normal individual would call a family, a powerful realization considering the culture he was raised in.
His poor mood sank further as his thoughts continued an all to familiar downward spiral. His friends had become former friends either by betrayal on their own part or in the most recent cases, his growing misanthropy and behavioral quirks born of the fractured collection of ideas, concepts and idiosyncrasies he had the gall to call his personality.
Yes or No, the machine continued to pester as he called up a photo from the depths of its hard drive.
Truthfully his heart ached at the daily absence of contact from one of friend above all others. The young woman in the photo he now gazed upon. A woman who he had desperately, to the point of making an ass out of himself with a premature declaration of love, wanted to be far more than a friend.
Yes or No. The terminal window forced itself above the photo.
She had ultimately rejected his affections, causing a knee jerk reaction to find fault with himself before the precious objectivity of rationality led him to the conclusion that love and by extension relationships were two ways streets. Emotionally he had never accepted his own rational thought, but it had allowed him to remain friends with her until events had caused them to drift apart. Her last words to him had been to find something he was certain he never experienced before.
She had asked him to find a way to be happy. He never did, mostly because of a complete lack of trying until very recently.
Yes or No. The machine still beckoned.
He scratched his beard, then looked once more at the Cylinder.
“Breaking the laws of thermodydnamics isn't what Anni had in mind, Eh pup?.” He spoke to the only other occupant of the room and his home. Atlas, his year old Great Dane Puppy and perhaps the only true friend he had at this point in his life. His dog stirred rising to an impressive height before trotting over, collar tags jingling against the otherwise electronic signal symphony that pervaded the room to his side. The corner of his mouth twisted into a half grin as the massive animal leaned into him as a sign of affection, tail wagging back and forth.
“Think it will work?” He asked the large animal who nuzzled him in response.
He lifted his coffee to his lips. “I think it will work.” grimacing at the temperature of his beloved beverage, he tapped the enter key. Not truly ready for whatever terrible or amazing outcome awaited, but rather finding himself numb to the prospect of whatever it maybe.
His coffee was still cold as his world went white.
He hated cold coffee.
Damn it.
Ω
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight Sparkle shouted in victory after spotting her quarry after a time spent searching. She pulled herself skyward with a mighty beat of her lavender wings, whose one flaps obscured a slight flutter behind her told that indicated Fluttershy had opted to leave the safety of her beloved ground to help retrieve their slumbering friend from her current resting place upon the only cloud hovering above Ponyville’s pristine blue sky.
“Um, Twilight” Fluttershy’s demure tone went unnoticed, barely above the sound of her beating wings.
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight exclaimed, landing on the fluffy cloud to ruefully stare at the slowly stirring weather manager. Twlight’s lavender coat was poorly hiding the redness in her face born of the irritation of having to search far and wide for the napping pegasus that currently held her complete attention.
“Oh yes, your highness right there, mmm” Cyan athlete moaned in a semi-wakeful state, bringing a blush to flustered alicorn above her. “Oh I don’t mind if Luna joins us; and the royal guard?”
Rainbow Dash wasn’t dreaming about…was she?
“Oh my…” Twilight jumped, focus broken at the whispered words from behind. She spun in place, twisting a divit in the cloud stuff with a single hoof to watch a crème colored pegasus set down behind her just in time to hear the abnormally detailed lecherous mutterings of the still very much half asleep, drooling, Rainbow Dash. Whose moaning drew Twilight’s attention back to the still slumbering pony.
Twilight’s face went dead pan. Rainbow Dash had driven her hand down into her tight fitting running shorts, fingers moving towards a obvious goal.
“Oh…My.” Fluttershy repeated pulling her face behind her long pink hair and burying her muzzle deep within the green turtle neck she wore above the faded denim of her hip hugging bell bottoms.
“Rainbow Dash! Wake up!” Twilight gave the stirring Rainbow Dash a not so gentle kick to the side, hoping to wake her and spare Fluttershy a death by embarrassment. She caught the fit female’s exposed, iron clad abdominals with a direct impact.
“Sweet Celestia! What are you made of!” Twilight screamed in pain, jolting her friend awake. Though she was personally unsure if it was the scream or the choice to kick her friend which had roused her. She was undoubtably sure that she regretted kicking the three time award winning “Iron Pony”, as she was now rolling on the cloud clutching her hoof, as it was one of two she had chosen to be hooficured prior.
“What the actual buck Twilight!” Rainbow Dash was definitely awake now, clutching her bare midriff below the skin tight fabric of her tank top. “Can’t a filly enjoy a nap?”
She focused her magenta eyes upon the princess before her, who was still rolling around on the cloud like a madmare clutching her throbbing hoof. A mischievous smile crept across the rainbow haired prankster as she stretched her toned body. A small moan escaped her lips as muscles unwound and joints unleashed several pleasurable pops.
“So, Twilight; interesting choice of clothing today, very bold for an egghead like you.” The athlete teased.
After a few more dramatic moments of writhing in pain Twilight looked up into the upside down, from her perspective at least, eyes of Fluttershy. The princess’s face held in a mix of exasperation and confusion directed at the one pony on the cloud currently not in her line of sight. Fluttershy was still half buried in her turtleneck, the redness of her skin blazing through her pale coat.
“I, I tried to warn you.” she managed to squeak in response to Twilight’s expression.
Sweet Celestia what was she talking about? Was all that Twilight could think as she looked down, rather strait from her current prone position, at her wardrobe of the day. It wasn't much, hence her confusion; her bright white collared shirt was still unmarked pristine beneath her rich violet vest emblazoned with her cutie mark, itself holding a small black tie in place despite her earlier trashing. What was the issue? Other than that she was just wearing her favorite red miniskirt flipped half way up below her breasts, exposing her matching lace undergarments.
Her heart stopped.
“Lemme guess egghead, you decided to take off forgetting you didn’t have shorts on under your skirt didn’t you.”
The amusement in Rainbow Dash’s voice was enough to make somepony think she had just witnessed a Wonderbolt face plant into a refuse bin. Rainbow dropped to all fours atop her mortified friend, lowering herself until they were muzzle to muzzle. She paused for a mere moment as Twilight broke from her gaze, struggling to straighten her now corrected garment, while remaining under the athletic pony. She maneuvered her mouth up to a position right next to purple alicorns ear, dropping her voice to a husky whisper soaked in faux desire.
“You know Twily, if you wanted to show off you red lace, you could have always offered me a private show. You didn’t have to share with all of Ponyville.” Rainbow reveled in her friends awkward discomfort; giggling at the prospect of the deluge of chaotic half thoughts Twilight often spewed when flustered.
“Rainbow Dash! Stop that!” The pegasus was suddenly reminded she was not alone on this cloud with pinned friend.
She sighed. Obeying the uncommonly authoritative voice of her best friend by pulling back and helping Twilight to her hooves. Fluttershy was glaring at her, though the trembling of her lips and flat position of her ears told the flirtatious athlete that interjecting like that had sapped her shallow reserves of courage for the day if not more.
“Hey Fluttershy, its all fun. We’re cool right?” Rainbow smiled at her friend, relived that it visibly calmed her.
“Oh Dashie, I Ju…” Fluttershy was cut of almost as soon as he opened her mouth by A high pitched scream.
“My Tail! My Tail! My Knee! My Knee! My Tainee? My Tainee! My Tainee!” The absurd mantra succeeding in defusing the tense, awkward or sexy moment depending which of the three mares was consulted as they dared look down to the source of the high pitched declaration.
The image could not have been more comical. Barreling down Mainstreet clad in plain enough blue, white striped shirt with matching thigh highs, interrupted by a bright yellow tutu. Was an ever so lightly pudgy pink earth pony with poofy pink hair known to the town as Pinkie Pie.
“My Tainee! My Tainee!” Pinkie Pie continued to repeat careening from stall to stall in the busy street.
Oblivious to the looks other ponies gave her, or rather the fact that her adorable ensemble as Rarity would describe it was augmented with a pair of inflatable floaties around her upper arms, a plastic umbrella hat upon her head and for some bizarre reason even for the eccentric party pony. There appeared to be a parachute on her back plain for all to see.
“Her Tainee?” Rainbow Dash flopped down on the edge of the cloud, feet dangling in open air. “What the buck is she going on about?”
“Um, her Pinkie Sense, maybe?” Fluttershy was equally perplexed, leaning down to look upon the spectacle. Her back arched, wings extended in an attempt to balance out her inherent top heavy nature owed to a pair of exceptional counterweights that wouldn’t have looked out of place on a earth pony mare three times her size.
“Her tail, her knee?” Twilight was muttering under her breath through a mouthful of dark violet hair, one of her more adorkable nervous habits in the eyes of her closest friends. “Her tail means something or somepony about to fall, I think.” She nodded to herself before letting the slightly chewed hairs fall back to the side of her face. “I know her knee was the worst from what she told me, it means something terrible is about to happen.”
“Yeah.” Dash drawled her contribution at length. “But what does she need with the parachute I mean she’s on the grou—“
Rainbow Dash didn't finish the statement. Chances if she had it would have been awesomely sarcastic. Instead Ponyville was rocked by a massive boom in the skies far above, akin to thunder but so much louder. Before all three winged ponies could even raise their heads toward the assaulting sound. Then came the shockwave, blasting apart the white fluffy platform whilst scattering the winged mares into the open air. Rainbow Dash was the first to recover, darting to Fluttershy who in mix of fear and shock had against all instinct for her kind locked her wings close to her body plummeting to the earth below.
Twilight Sparkle was righted not soon after. Eyes skyward locked open in horror, her horn ablaze with power ready to retaliate at whatever threatened her home and her beloved friends. High in the clear blue sky was a scar.
No, not a scar, rather what preceded it, a wound she thought. A wound that was getting worse.
True to her observations, it was what appeared to be gaping, growing by the minute wound in the sky. Beyond which lay an amalgam of colors, shapes and formations left Twilight paused for moments in a mix both fear and awe until an all too gleeful greeting returned her to the situation at hand.
“Hey Twilight! Funny meeting you up here! Well, not funny really because you have wings and you were here before, but it’s funny that I’m up here isn’t it? I mean if you were down there and I was up here then this would really funny—”
“Not now Pinkie!” Twilight snapped at the energetic pony.
“Oki Dokie Lokie!” The party mare replied unoffended by her friends tone and seemingly recovered from her earlier hysteria.
Pinkie was a dear friend, but her limitless enthusiasm was too much for Twilight to deal with while keeping herself aloft and trying to figure out what in Tartarus was going on with the sky.
Wait. Twilight’s heart started pounding.
She was keeping herself aloft. Slowly Twilight turned her head in time to catch the bubblegum mare floating slowly skyward, waving a large grin plastered across her face.
“Pinkie!” Twilight Panicked reaching for her friend.
“Twilight!” The party mare responded in kind.
“Your flying!”
“Your shouting!”
This wasn’t a conversation Twilight was having, she gripped Pinkie’s leg pulling her surprisingly easy down to her lower, if slightly altitude.
“Hey look! Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie pointed as she came to float next to the princess provided she didn’t let go. Sure enough Rainbow Dash was fast approaching, thankfully a return from getting Fluttershy to safety.
“Twilight, seriously; what the actual buck is going on?” The prismatic pony’s magenta eyes widened before she even finished her demand, locked on the pink earth pony floating gleefully next to Twilight Sparkle. “Pinkie, are you flying?”
“Yes indeed-dilly!” giggled the party pony. “And so is Big Mac, Rarity, Mrs. Cake, Lyra, Cheerilee…” Pinkie continued to rattle off the names of various earth ponies and unicorns while gesturing about, as her friends looked on in horror. Trees, loose stones, patio furniture, Unicorns and Earth ponies where all drifting skyward towards the wound in the sky.
“Twilight; what’s going on?” Rainbow’s voice cracked with fear. Twilight didn’t know, that in itself was clear on her friends face providing a prospect far more frightening than the population of the hamlet drifting off into the sky. “Twilight—“ Rainbow prodded the princess.
“Quiet!” Twilight hissed at Rainbow Dash. She didn’t need distractions, she needed to think. Her eyes darted from the ground, to the floating objects, ponies then to the hole in the sky. Her mind was falling back into an old study habit from her days as Filly.
Break a problem down to parts, understand the parts; and then put them back as the solution.
First she thought of herself and her friends. She was clearly fine as was Rainbow, thus this was not a problem. A brief wave of panic struck her, passing as soon as it came as she looked for Fluttershy. Who was back on the safety of the ground, body language frozen in absolute terror.
“Fluttershy.” She muttered. At least she was safe, on the ground.
On the ground.
“What about her?” Rainbow Dash’s voice was still strained with fear. The Element of Loyalty’s bravery was legendary, but even it had limits. This was clearly stretching it as she made no effort to conceal the fear as various pegasai had come to join them in the relative safety of the air.
“She’s standing on the ground.” The princess stated to nopony in particular.
“Equestria to Twilight! Yeah she’s on the ground! You know how she gets in the air!” Rainbow Dash's normal rasp was getting aggressive with concern.
Twilight ignore the chastising tone and looked at Pinkie with uncommon intensity. Pinkie was gazing up into the hole, scar, wound or whatever it would end up being called humming to herself. She was unmoving thanks to Twilight’s grip, which the princess transferred from her leg to her plush waist. But, Twilight noted. she wasn’t staying still like herself, Rainbow Dash or Fluttershy.
Twilight could feel Pinkie being drawn skyward.
“Rainbow Dash, Get the pegasai rallied, everypony with wings. They are immune to whatever is going on.” The words came out with authority she had only used once before once the Everfree forest had grown out of control. Rainbow didn’t move eyes blank staring back at her. “Rainbow now!”
That snapped her out of it, Rainbow with her trademark speed shot off with several of the pegasai close enough to hear Twilight’s command.
That would keep her busy, good. A busy Rainbow Dash was a Rainbow Dash unable to think about fear. Twilight placed several pieces of the problem together, a solution tantalizingly with sight until her heart sank as another detail came to mind.
“Pinkie, your tail! Something’s going to...” For the second time, a winged pony was cut off by a boom from the hole in the sky. Which had chosen this exact time to double in size, as well as release its hold on the land below including its denizens. “…fall.”
Her mental order buckled as she watched ponies begin to plummet to the earth free of whatever was causing them to float away in the first place, only to collapse when she felt Pinkie slip out of her grasp.
“Bye Twilight!” The party pony waved enthusiastically for a few short as she slipped out of her friends grip, before pulling the cord on her parachute. The party pony was on a lazy decent that would land her in the central fountain.
“That explains the floaties.” Twilight grumbled. She had to deal with the world ending now and could think about the phenomenon that was Pinkie Pie later. If there was a later. Looking about, she saw the last of the Pegasai landing; carrying precious cargo, their peers to safety. Thank Celestia, she exhaled only to be startled by a third blast from the sky hole.
“Oh what now!” she shouted as a massive collection of sparking white wood and brick hurled past her slamming into the boulevard below. Three more booms heralded the eruption of three more large masses of wood and brick, one of which was hurling right for her. Like Rainbow Dash and her ability to perform breakneck turns with ease. Twilight reacted on instinct her horn flaring like a muscle reacting on memory blasting the mass in to cloud of splinters, dust, weird green plastic and furniture.
“Furniture?” Her mind snapped back from panic to analysis for a single blissful moment until a scream from below brought her back to reality. She chanced a look down, Fluttershy had almost been crushed by what appeared to be the flaming remains grey office chair thrown free from mass she had pulverized.
Alright, no more blasting, levitation it is. She told herself, she couldn’t destroy the masses if they all fragmented like the last one and she could just hurl them about given how big they were without damaging more of Ponyville. So she settled on her only other option, grabbing them from the sky and setting them down.
Six more booms from above made her swallow; could she do this? She wasn’t sure, she didn’t know if she could.
Biting a lock of fluttering lavender hair Twilight Sparkle knew she had to buck up, Ponyville needed her and she was not about to fail
them.
Ω
Fluttershy had been frozen in terror falling to her assured peril after her world began to fall apart. She wasn’t like most pegasi, the fire of the warrior tribe that had spawned their modern contribution to Equestria never lit in her. She would have died if it wasn’t for Rainbow Dash’s quick thinking and quicker flight speed. She had been left on the ground, eyes glued to the sky particularly to her two; soon to be three once joined by Pinkie, airborne friends. When the world had begun to shift skyward she had still been frozen in terror. Tears streaming down her pale cheeks helpless to act as so many ponies she knew found themselves floating away.
Why, why couldn’t she be brave like Rainbow Dash? Or focused like Twilight? Or, well she wasn’t really sure what Pinkie was exactly, but even that was better than her current state.
Fluttershy found herself retreating into the safety of her mane she did her best to blot out the booms above, not wanting to look into that awful hole in the sky. She pushed her quivering muzzle deep into the security of her turtlenecks collar as if she could curl into a ball and vanish. The sky continued to explode above her reinforcing her fear. She half heard the shouts of pegasai between each other, something about Twilight’s orders to save everypony?
Twilight was going to save everypony, Just like she always did. The thought calmed her slightly, filling her with the slightest bit of her own unfamiliar courage. Not enough to release the rigidity upon her wings rather enough to peek out from her rather attached shelter in time to see a fireball of burning office furniture come hurling right at her from an equally terrifying explosion growing just above Twilight Sparkle.
“Eep!” The pink haired Pegasus screamed as she scrambled away in the nick of time, courage vanishing as swiftly as it had rallied as she took refuge under a concrete table that had remained grounded due to it being as much part of the ground as a bit of furniture wrought for pony use.
“Please, please stop, make it all stop! Please make it stop!” held her head, covering her ears as sequential blasts from the sky sent waves of terror down her spine until all she could hear was the chattering of her own teeth and that of her own sobs. Her chest felt tight as what little coherent thought she could muster informed her that a panic attack was beginning. A voice far quitter than her own whispered in the back her head at this information that she needed to breathe if she was going to make it through this.
“Tw-twilight wuh-will sa-ave everypony.” She stuttered as another six booms from above shook the world around her.
“Twilight will save everypony!” she shouted rapidly against the ear shattering percussion of the sky hole. She just wanted this to end, she wanted to disappear. She wanted to curl into a ball and just be safe, she wanted her friends to be safe. Then she heard it in the precious moments between her own sobbing, in those finite seconds of silence between the explosive sounds from the hole above.
A whimper.
Her ears perked up as her hands fell from them. Again, she heard the whimper and her own fear didn’t seem so close. Amidst the chaos Fluttershy stood out from under the table, searching for the pathetic sound. No longer reacting to the chaos above and around her. She traced the sound to one of the smoldering fragments of whatever it was Twlight had blasted apart. It and several other fragments landed nearby. Her own safety thrown to the wind she crept over to the wreckage, only to hear the whimper again more pronounced this time. As a veterinarian she was well in tune with the sound animals made when things were not as they should be, even without the added benefit of her special ability to understand most creatures. The whimper in this case came again as she crept around the still immolated chunk of what appeared to be the outside of a house; This particular whimper told her from its high pitch that it was most likely canine. The rapid short spaces between the sound, like crying indicated that whatever was troubling the creature was closer to sadness or worry rather than her own constant companion of fear.
A companion whose presence that took great effort to ignore without good reason, Fluttershy shamefully reminded herself as her senses tried to process what she saw before her in the smoldering heap. Her eyes bestowed the image of a light grey canine alright, but not of any breed she had seen. It was a he, and he was big. Larger than even some of the mountain breeds kept by ponies across the great sea, but lacking their girth. This dog has been bred for or from a runner, long legs stretched out to end in paws almost the size of her hand, trim form highlighting muscles that would not have been out of place on a stallion. The dogs face was regal and long, framed by large droopy ears that did not fall past the base of the skull but sat apart from the largest brown eyes of the type she had seen perhaps hinting that he was some form of Mastiff.
Her nose stung with the coppery odor of blood, her heart freezing as she dog turned its massive head to her. His Ears drawn back in aggression, muzzle pulled into a snarl as the whimper became a growl. The dog made no move to attack her as she stood frozen, in part from her knowledge of animals and to fact she was still processing what she was witness too. The great mastiff like breed had suffered dozens of cuts from the ongoing disaster, but was not the source of the visceral pungency.
That came from the creature the dog was clearly protecting.
She had never seen a being like it; it was similar to her in many ways. Two eyes lay shut on a face below a short dirty blonde mane with no real muzzle, two ears on either side of its head, two arms that ended in hand, two legs ended in fleshy feet rather than hooves. It was much smaller than her. Barely the size of young colt or filly, at most just shy of two meters tall. It didn’t have much of a coat to speak of, just thin dark hairs visible on its lower arms and the parts of its chest that were exposed. It wore clothing and had pink skin which bruised and lacerated in dozens of places, but not where near as severe as the large crimson hole across the creatures chest.
Flutterhsy didn’t know what to do, animals where one thing. Even the exceptionally powerful ones from the Everfree Forest and beyond where things she could handle from sunrise to sunset with a few exceptions. She was a healer at heart, a caretaker of creatures who could not care for themselves. Panic welled within her as the sky hole above mercifully became silent. Presented with what she saw. What she knew. Her own nerves gaining purchase over her profession, her destiny and nature. Fluttershy did the only thing she could.
She screamed.
Neet.
4621515 Amen.
Good story, good sir -tips hat- I'll be watching for more.
== Before reading ==
Let me just start off by saying that the description and the cover art don't inspire much confidence. If you are really trying for a serious story, not just a silly fetish thing, your cover art shouldn't have the ponies with breasts larger than their heads.
And the description tells me the story is about a guy with a strange name, a tragic backstory, and a brilliant mind, who instantly meets (and eventually gets shipped with) the Mane 6. That's about as cliche as it gets, and usually doesn't turn out well.
== After reading ==
Well, it wasn't too bad for a prologue. You definitely need an editor, though; there's lots of little grammar mistakes and typos. There are several groups on this site who will help you with editing, like this one.
In general, you do a good job of visualizing what's going on in each scene, so I was able to follow along fairly easily. The scene of Ponyville floating up toward the interdimensional rift was well done.
A few specific nitpicks:
There was too much tell, not enough show, in the opening with the human staring at his computer. You are basically giving an exposition dump about his backstory. I skimmed most of it because, at this point in the story, it's not important or interesting. We should start learning about that only after we are already "hooked" (his dramatic entrance to Equestria is a great hook, by the way).
I didn't like how Rainbow Dash was teasing Twilight. Are they actually in a relationship? If not, that was way too over-the-top flirtatious, to the point where, if it is a regular occurrence, then Twilight would be too uncomfortable to be friends with her. It certainly made me uncomfortable just reading it.
I'd probably be the only guy that would drop into Equestria with a parachute,suit, and briefcase, and be completely calm about it.
Of course...that's fantasy me.In reality I'd be screaming "ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!!!!!!!!"
This seems like a blatant rip off of XY chromozone and the scent lust of mares and other stories with ponies bigger than humans. My advice, add something to this. Built on the world or charachters. But all and all I like it, granted my whole writing style is based around this plot so obviously I am going to like it. Anyway good luck
4621569
Thank you so much for your detailed response! I love feedback!
4621539
Glad you enjoy it!
4621586 I never even could begin to understand XY cromosome's plot :/
4621586 I've seen XY chromozone when searching, but I have not read it myself, would you recomend it? Personal recomendations have pointed me to some awesome fics in the past. I think I have read secret lust, but I'm not sure. Anywho! Thanks for the feedback!
4621580 haha, I'm still ironing out the response Vasili will have. There are certain things healthy minds do when stressed and things damaged ones do.
Makes it fun to write!
4621604 Yeah it is a good story done by my mate Aramis. He and I sometimes bounce ideas about. He did his story after reading mine and we became good friends. You will like his stuff if giant anthro girls at about 7ft tall is your thing
4621670
I'll add it to my read later, thanks!
the choice of their size for the sake of this story was a tip of the hat to my old D&D days and the Guadinials, just minus the over powered racial traits, lol
4621699 Ah good good. It is good to see that people still like size difference. I have always found it fun as it allows you to play about with gags and jokes. One of my mates, big Ian biggest meanest looking cunt you ever seen short of eight foot, one of the most laid back guys you ever meet.
4621659 yep.I love the story, It doesn't have the oquward(<fuck this word) intro that XY chromosome has,it's easier to understand,with vasili not getting raped in the first chapter.
Tell us a story friend.
I'm not normally big on anthro but you're an exceptional writer... so I suppose I'll give it a gander. I hope you update soon and justify my continued interest.
Not bad for an intro but I'm not to fond of the whole ponies being SO much larger than humans, could ya tone it down a bit, make the mane 6 only a foot taller then the human.
4622407 Have you never heard of hyper or macro, trust me, this isn't that bad, well it might be hyper.
More plz.
I like it, good intro but I do agree with some of the other guys what's with making ponies so much bigger then humans? At least make them just six foot or something not giants. still cant wait for more.
Damn it, the coffee's still cold...
That... was nice. Good job.
Damn it. Hes dead and his coffee is still cold.
THis looks like it'll be awesome!
Like and fav, can't wait for the next chapter. :D
Wow! so much activity!
Thank you all so much for your feed back, let's see if I can make a dent in these comments!
4622324 Wrote:
Me too! I'm already about 1,200/~5500 Words into the second chapter. But I've also been mucking about with the outline for chapter 2 as well. Baring any bad reactions to my radiation treatment this week, I plan on trying to have chapter 2 out on or by next week.
4622407 & 4623276 mentioned the size of the ponies as a complaint. When I read your comments initially I had just taken some of my medication for my treatment, I was so confused! It didn't dawn on me until my SO came home. I'm just over 2 meters tall myself (6ft 6in) with all the joys and back problems that come with it. When I wrote Vas, I put him at just under, roughly 6ft 4in. so as they say, write what you know, and I know hitting my head on everything when wandering around and fighting for the one pair of 34 wide, 40 long jeans!.
Now on to my mess up, that if I do a re-write I'll work on Fluttershy finding Vas, In my notes I have "Ponies" built along the lines of the Guardinal's from D&D, specifically the Equininals. I have a height listed for the ponies running between two and a quarter meters tall (About 7ft 3in tall. Pinkie is this in this story) to Two and half meters tall (About 8ft 2in, though this is for exceptionally large ponies such as Big Mac, Bulk Biceps, Shining Armor, etc) The average, is about 7ft, 5in for the scope of the story which puts them a little than a foot taller than Vas and a bit bulkier. I hope this clears up any confusion, consider a better description of that scene on the top for a rewrite!
4623068 Wrote:
I have never heard the terms used with the mlp fandom before, thus when I read your comment at the time today when my meds had me sky high; I did a google search with safe search off on my smart TV with my SO in the room. That apparently was a hilarious conversation over the more colorful parts of the internet.
Thank you all for the comments! and please always feel free to leave them! I enjoy talking to be people; now if I ever respond and it doesn't make a lick of sense, feel free to take advantage for hilarity apparently I channel Chef Brian when my meds hit full swing.
~That Colt
P.S. Featured Day one! Thank you all so much! you guys are awesome!
4624511 Yeah its more common among the furry fandom, which is where I come from. People hate on us, but seriously, even we laugh at our own stuff cause its silly, and for the E and M rated stuff, hey, like I said on youtube, we like it cause we cant help but anthropomorphise things and cause if they were human or even real you know you would get turned on
Or you could not write another Human X Anthro clop fic....just a thought....
Maybe you could write Hie where the protagonist is missing a leg, or woman, or a woman missing a leg.... Or HIE without anthro...just saying.
You said kind TWICE.
4627010
Whoops! Where is the duplicate text, i'll fix it.
Thanks for letting me know!
Oh, so like 90% of the other human OCs we see on this site. Except he gets a fancy name.
4627010 I wonder what he has against Pinkie
4627010 & 4628819,
Lol took me forever on my pain meds to figure out what you two where refering too, my drug addled mind kept reading Chrome's comment as "said kind of twice" not "Kind was said twice" it is now fixed! Thanks for pointing it out!
4628781
I will have to take your word on that, I've only read two or three HiE's myself. As for him getting a fancy name, hehe, I think poor Vas maybe far more mundane than that! Vasili is a fairly common Russian name from the presoviet era, translates to "King" or "Basil" depending on who you ask. Anatolyevich is his patronymic name, his fathers name was Anatoly, another common name from Russia. His last name Maksimov is a common sure name for russian jews or those with jewish ancestry. But this will be touched on later in more depth. I will add one last spoiler that Vas is a first generation american. So hopefully he's only like 88% of the others!
Thanks for all the comments and the attention!
4629259
Well I can certainly tell you that the reason you're getting such a bad ratio of likes and dislikes is because of the story. It's literally the same kind of fic you can find in the next few clicks. Judging by the story description and genre combination alone, I can say that you're probably planning to have the next few chapters be the human doing a "Meet and Greet" with each of the Mane 6, and then you'll plant the seeds of romance as one of the Mane Six will start to think "Huh he doesn't seem so bad and I highly sympathize with his tragic backstory. Am I starting to fall for this guy?"
Oh and apparently your human character is mentally disturbed as well, riddled with deep scars from his childhood past, so the girls will have to get to know him and the readers will have to trudge on through his backstory, and after all that talking of how bad his life was is over, the girls will start to love and be compassionate towards him more. Oh and this love will also heal the human emotionally as well and soon he'll be able to let go of his pitiful past, and then the dating happens and we got some other ponies who disapprove of HumanXPony relationships but the human and his soul partner will overcome those social challenges and happily ever after.
Be honest and tell me if I hit any of the marks above. Because honest to goodness sake's, that is all I'm seeing right now.
4629363 Well, I don't want to give away too many plot points; but chapter 2 will contain a meet & greet of all 6 at once. I personally didn't think during outline that it paced very well to have it individually during rough draft phase, just seemed like filler to me.
There will be romance, because the concept of exploring such a thing between two sapient species is something that interests me, blame Spock and Alexander from Star Trek :P. How the relationship begins will be a bit more organic than what you've suggested, at least that is what I have outlined, that and from what I've seen on TV, I don't think a population disapproval of Human/Pony relationship fits with the tone of Equestria as a whole, so I don't plan to go down that route. I mean they can accept Q after all, haha.
Last thing I will touch on is Vas's past. My goal is to construct a character that is severally psychologically damaged, he's got a host of issues that it would take a human professional years to make a dent in, much less cure. It's also my goal to present a past that is traumatic but not pitiful. Like most Heroes in western media, at least in my opinion; it is the inherent exceptionalism that makes their flaws all the more significant and more entertaining. For Twilight Sparkle it's her neurotic nature and tendency to over think, Batman it's his inability to truly live as Bruce Wayne, and for Vas well, I don't want to give that much in the way of spoilers.
I'm treating the over all structure as a double pathed heroes journey, at least at this stage. I can't claim originality with that, and I never intended too; after all I am writing a Fan Fiction. All I can hope is that people like the story and engage me in conversation about it from time to time like we are having now.
Hope this answers your questions!
4629623
It does. And honestly, I can only wish you luck. If you truly believe in your story, you better give the readers a reason on why they should continue reading it.
Can't wait to see the update have a nice day
huh, that's a Russian name. Is the main char Russian, by chance?
human x rainbow dash please:P
4633488
He's a first generation american of russian immigrants.
4634074
uh......okay? that was a little confusing, but okay, cool. Russian was a fun lanuage to learn. Forgot most of it, but retained enough for simple conversations.
4634087
Sorry if I wasn't making much sense, today was a radiation day so that and my meds are getting to me. Vas is russian in the sense that he was born to russian parents who emigrated. He however was born in america; and is a child of two cultures.
4634322
Nah, it's all good. I knew what you were talking about, it just took a few seconds.
The Rainbow Dash Pervert Moment killed the first chapter. I hope you won't have the Mane 6 who are supposed to be "Friends" lezzing out on each other in future chapters. Mindless sexual harassment ruins the storyline.
troll.me/images/rainbow-dash-excited/rape-face-activated.jpg
Otherwise the fic looks promising.
4626669 lol this guy.
4638413
I can dream damn it!
This looks like a good read. But before I delve into this, I gotta point out that the cover pic... why do they have such enourmus tits? It's like El-Doc size tits! Rarity in particular. God only knows what Rainbow is hiding under that cloud. ...Well, not that this is a bad thing, I'm just curious and wonder if their sizes compare with whatever they're like in this story.
That's all, I swear.
4641092
Lol, your not the first nor are you going to be the last. Short answer: it was the only anthro mlp image I coukd find with all the mane six and the prespective of looking up at them.
You'll see in this upcoming chapter detailed descriptions that look nothing like the image. Well, maybe excluding fluttershy to a degree I've already established her need to counterbalance when bending over.
If I knew a good artist who had a style I could really dig. I wouldn't mind shooting them $30 to $40 to produce cover art using my notes on the mane six, plus vas.
Quite a few spelling errors. I like the execution of the story, I like the idea. I want to see what you can come up with, with no influence from the comments, asking for a (pony's name)xVas story. Do you want him to be shipped with a pony? If so, make it so that it's not immediate sex, then being awkward with each other for the first week, and then their lives are perfect after that.
Also, don't make him start working at SAA, because that is a cliche in HiEs that has been worn down for quite a while. But he seems smart, so he'll probably work at Twilight's library. Another cliche, but one that is not as common as working at SAA. Anyway, this story has potential. It's mostly great, but the spelling errors will eventually wear on me. Gotta get an editor/pre-reader.
Too much big tits, its friendship, not hentai, but the plot was good, the execution was good.
I'd give it a 8/10.
4644819 & 4641092
Methinks I should upload a Chapter 0: Notes which includes the character descriptions
That or get a gear on the new cover art XD