You are invited to trade lives with a pony from Equestria as a respite from Earth. The deal sounds too good to be true. With no strings attached the deal winds up being more than you have bargained for.
"I hope you can understand. I look at you and all I can see is pain, all I can think about is revenge. For me to question who you are now, if that is true, I can't. You, Ember, whatever you are now, I can't put this behind me. Something like this cannot be forgiven... You need to die, hopefully this feeling for revenge will with die with you." Twilight sobbed.
"I have good evidence you may not actually be guilty, but I'm going to sacrifice you so I feel better."
First you spelled Chrysalis wrong. Second, you have a slight problem with ending quotations. Rule 1 for them: When you go to say how it's said, use a comma and lowercase the next word. Like so:
"Hello there," he whispered.
Rule 2: When you go right to something else, use a period and capitalize:
"Pull that lever." With that said, he jumped on the button.
And Rule 3: Exclamation, ellipses, and question marks override the comma/period rule, and proper nouns override the capital/lowercase rule:
"Run, run!" Alex shouted.
Oh wow, Ember. You really messed up. And poor not-Ember. Twilight hates her so much that she's not even willing to try and save an innocent. Here's hoping that Luna's dreamwalking can do something. There's no way they'd just ignore the possibility she's innocent and go ahead; they'd at least put off the execution so they can look into it.
Also, there's a bit of confusion. Is not-Ember being executed in a day, or in months? Earlier you had Twilight say she'd wish that the execution was tomorrow, implying it wasn't. Then you later had her say that not-Ember's light would go out tomorrow evening. And last chapter you had her say not-Ember would rot in the dungeons for months. Don't elaborate in the comments; elaborate in the next chapter.
4467465 Oh, English, how I have loathed thee. For the hours toiling, sweat expelled and blood lost is for naught, as your rule is that of a woman menstruating. Should my spirit never flee from this mortal coil, the infinite shan't be time enough to reveal the cloak of your secret. Alas I weep tears enough for seas, forever shadowed in the cold darkness of the grammar Nazis. I hate English... spent two hours diagramming a single sentence in primary school once, suicide and the eternal fires of hell seemed a better reprieve than finishing the other five. I think it is the grammar and plethora of labels that seems to have rules, but then juxtapose each other when the Fourth Moon of Galeron Five is in equatorial alignment with Beetlejuice, within a one degree variance...
Also, Everything will be clear, when the rain is gone...
I think it is the grammar and plethora of labels that seems to have rules, but then juxtapose each other when the Fourth Moon of Galeron Five is in equatorial alignment with Beetlejuice, within a one degree variance...
Isn't every natural language like that? Makes one wonder why Esperanto is so unpopular with its compact set of strict rules, all of which can easily fit on one or two A4 sheets. And BTW, English isn't even the worst example of gramattical idiocy, Russian easily takes the crown in that, IMHO.
4467546 Do we ? We can only guess. Who knows? Because I think we're going to live.
And to the author: Great chapter, in my opinion you've improved since the last one even if its little or small you improved and to me that's all that matters
I wonder why the house Ember was found in haven't been thoroughly searched and barred with yellow tape before Twilight had to head there She could just read the guards' report instead of going there herself
This said, the protagonist isnĀ“t exactly likable: a brony obsessed stereotype who accepts giving up his humanity, relationships and home without much of a thought (even in a lucid dream, he could have at least weighed his options). Also, while this Equestria is definitively darker than the canon, I find difficult to believe Celestia gave Twilight the permission and the means to perform cold-blood torture on a prisoner, specially considering her mental state. After the Nighmare Moon incident, she should know better than leaving an alicorn princess walking dow the dark path.
I feel no guilt over discovering I'd just subjected someone completely innocent to cold-blooded torture and can live just fine with knowingly leaving said someone who's completely innocent to rot in prison, then imply I'll pretend they are totally guilty in a kangaroo trial so I can have them executed for something they didn't do, because my own personal satisfaction is what comes first!
That's not justice, Twilight. That's not even revenge because the one you're throwing under the bus isn't even an accomplice but what is essentially a bystander that got duped into being in the wrong place at the wrong time who has nothing to do with this. This is MURDER. And FIRST-DEGREE MURDER at that, because she's not just knowingly letting someone completely innocent die for the crimes of someone else, but she's implied she's going to make sure it happens(won't be surprised if she disposes of evidence at this rate). In other words, she's knowingly and deliberately arranging for the cruel and undeserved death of someone completely innocent just because she can't get the actual guilty party anymore. From a story perspective, she's now the villain IMO.
"I have good evidence you may not actually be guilty, but I'm going to sacrifice you so I feel better."
Bull-f*cking-shit.
First you spelled Chrysalis wrong. Second, you have a slight problem with ending quotations. Rule 1 for them: When you go to say how it's said, use a comma and lowercase the next word. Like so:
Rule 2: When you go right to something else, use a period and capitalize:
And Rule 3: Exclamation, ellipses, and question marks override the comma/period rule, and proper nouns override the capital/lowercase rule:
Oh wow, Ember. You really messed up. And poor not-Ember. Twilight hates her so much that she's not even willing to try and save an innocent. Here's hoping that Luna's dreamwalking can do something. There's no way they'd just ignore the possibility she's innocent and go ahead; they'd at least put off the execution so they can look into it.
Also, there's a bit of confusion. Is not-Ember being executed in a day, or in months? Earlier you had Twilight say she'd wish that the execution was tomorrow, implying it wasn't. Then you later had her say that not-Ember's light would go out tomorrow evening. And last chapter you had her say not-Ember would rot in the dungeons for months. Don't elaborate in the comments; elaborate in the next chapter.
Great so far. The only problem being we probably know how it's going to end.
4467465
Oh, English, how I have loathed thee. For the hours toiling, sweat expelled and blood lost is for naught, as your rule is that of a woman menstruating. Should my spirit never flee from this mortal coil, the infinite shan't be time enough to reveal the cloak of your secret. Alas I weep tears enough for seas, forever shadowed in the cold darkness of the grammar Nazis.
I hate English... spent two hours diagramming a single sentence in primary school once, suicide and the eternal fires of hell seemed a better reprieve than finishing the other five.
I think it is the grammar and plethora of labels that seems to have rules, but then juxtapose each other when the Fourth Moon of Galeron Five is in equatorial alignment with Beetlejuice, within a one degree variance...
Also, Everything will be clear, when the rain is gone...
oh "I" am so dead
My pleasure, good sir
4467665
Isn't every natural language like that? Makes one wonder why Esperanto is so unpopular with its compact set of strict rules, all of which can easily fit on one or two A4 sheets. And BTW, English isn't even the worst example of gramattical idiocy, Russian easily takes the crown in that, IMHO.
4467420
Exactly my thoughts XD
4467420
My thoughts exactly.
4467546 Do we ? We can only guess. Who knows? Because I think we're going to live.
And to the author: Great chapter, in my opinion you've improved since the last one even if its little or small you improved and to me that's all that matters
I wonder why the house Ember was found in haven't been thoroughly searched and barred with yellow tape before Twilight had to head there She could just read the guards' report instead of going there herself
4470721 I doubt it's tagged Tragedy for nothing.
4462056
This said, the protagonist isnĀ“t exactly likable: a brony obsessed stereotype who accepts giving up his humanity, relationships and home without much of a thought (even in a lucid dream, he could have at least weighed his options).
Also, while this Equestria is definitively darker than the canon, I find difficult to believe Celestia gave Twilight the permission and the means to perform cold-blood torture on a prisoner, specially considering her mental state. After the Nighmare Moon incident, she should know better than leaving an alicorn princess walking dow the dark path.
4472259 Tregedy doesn't mean death right?
4473496 Tragedy means the protagonist(s) fail in their tasks. In this case it's pretty damn certain our protagonist's goal is to avoid getting hung.
4473512 :c
4467420
I feel no guilt over discovering I'd just subjected someone completely innocent to cold-blooded torture and can live just fine with knowingly leaving said someone who's completely innocent to rot in prison, then imply I'll pretend they are totally guilty in a kangaroo trial so I can have them executed for something they didn't do, because my own personal satisfaction is what comes first!
That's not justice, Twilight. That's not even revenge because the one you're throwing under the bus isn't even an accomplice but what is essentially a bystander that got duped into being in the wrong place at the wrong time who has nothing to do with this. This is MURDER. And FIRST-DEGREE MURDER at that, because she's not just knowingly letting someone completely innocent die for the crimes of someone else, but she's implied she's going to make sure it happens(won't be surprised if she disposes of evidence at this rate). In other words, she's knowingly and deliberately arranging for the cruel and undeserved death of someone completely innocent just because she can't get the actual guilty party anymore. From a story perspective, she's now the villain IMO.
4476915
Pretty much any pity towards her is kinda gone at this point.
I do?? But this is the most badass Equestria ever! Kick out my teeth again!!