I Must Have Her
I have fallen in love.
I sought the end to which would reveal my happy ending with the positivity of a child. Instead, I am nothing more than a friend who is valued, cared for, and loved in other ways to what I want.
So where is my happy ending? Where is it? It is not here, not in friendship.
In stories, there are many outcomes that are written expertly to their intended outcome…
There is a light at the end of the tunnel for a lack of a better phrase for many…
Even the darkest of stories have a slither of hope to cling to so that there may be a sequel...
But mine? If only my story was as thoughtful; so optimistic and intended for that happy ending to engage the reader into delving further into my story…
So who is it? Who is that reader? Who is that observer?
Celestia?
Luna?
Twilight or even Cadence?
No. I am just a simple earth pony, who is in love with a mare, writing stupidly into her journal just to vent her frustrations.
Am I misconnected? Am I that self-loathing that I take my family for granted?
No.
That is the answer in its simplicity.
I love my family and they love me, but that is all they are to me. Family. Unconditional love.
I know love surrounds me every day from my customers to my friends, but, never has once love found me, and made me theirs. Never once had love kissed me full upon the lips, and told me that my hard work has finally paid off.
That my sacrifice…
No.
Not sacrifice.
What is the word I seek to write, even though sacrifice is an accurate representation of my thoughts?
Selfish abandon?
Does that make any sense?
I work to support others and supply the social and vital needs of the many; yet does that make me selfish in denying myself the simplicity of carnal desires? Does it make any sense at all?!
Am I just crazy?
I have battled with my own sexuality for so long that I had never thought to put it to paper. I had never thought that my mouth writing would reveal so much to me, and yet, raise so many questions I have fought within a turmoil of doubt and fear for so many years.
I’m gay.
I’m a fillyfooler.
I hate that word.
But I am that. So why do I feel so dirty when I am so brutally honest to myself? Should I not be happier that I can admit as much?
I like mares!
I like mares!
I want to stuff my muzzle under her tail and do things I only dream of!
I like mares!
I love her! I want to tell her, with all of my heart. I love her more than the apples I buck from the trees and I love her more than sweet apple pie made from Granny’s own hooves...
So why am I so afraid to say it? Why can’t I tell Twilight I love her?
Because it’s wrong.
She’s a Princess.
We’re friends.
She’s a mare too.
It’s wrong.
Applejack parted her teeth just enough to allow the pencil to topple onto the desk, her tear stained face turning away from her journal as she lifted a hoof to close it.
“We’re friends. An' we will always stay tha' way,” Applejack drew her lips to the candle resting in its stick upon her desk, and blew it out to throw her room into perpetual darkness, “even if Ah want it to be more.”
Slowly she cantered from her desk and headed to the bed, slipping into the covers from the bottom and slithering her way up towards the plush pillows. When her head met with the comfortable confines, emerald eyes glanced about her Spartan room, and simply regarded the crack in the ceiling where she noticed mildew had started to form.
Applejack pouted, “Gonna need to fix tha’,” she muttered, “an’ fix my thinkin’. Who am Ah kiddin? Twilight an’ me? She’s one of those fruu-fruu Canterlot gals, an’ am nothing more than a mud pony. Nothin’ much, nothin’ else.”
A slow blink caused Applejack to crack a yawn, a hoof raising up to rub at her sleep ridden eyes. “Ah should’a slept instead of…” She glanced from the ceiling, and flushed red, “Ah’m sick. Think’in of mah friends like that... But…” A hoof trailed down along her stomach, lowering with each inch, her body burning hotter than Celestia’s sun, “Ah can’t help it… Ah… Ah can’t… Ah…”
She drew up her hoof before contact could be made with what she sought, and pressed it to her face, “What in tarnation is wrong with me? Ah’m a mare. She’s a mare… Isn’t that enough? Isn’t that enough to stop me?”
Her eyes became dreamy, however, the more she considered what couldn't prevent her enough to stop her from…
Touchin’…
Feelin’…
Kissin’…
Ah’m sick.
Ah’m…
No.
"Ah know it is wrong, and Ah know I was raised all proper like, but, Ah love her.” She quickly stood up on her bed, and then headed towards the journal, turning it open and frantically flipping through to the page she had inserted her recent entry.
Drooping her head down, she plucked the pencil she had discarded with her teeth and wrote an added entry.
No, it is not wrong.
I have to find a way to make her mine.
Celestia’s sun, Ah wrote that!
I want to take her for myself. She’s far beyond my league, but I have to try. I have to make an effort otherwise someone else might steal her from me.
I will not let that happen. I am going to battle for this feeling, and I do not care what my family thinks of me, or anyone! I’m going to win her heart, and feel her lips against mine. I am going to do everything I have ever masturbated to—
Applejack gasped.
Did she just write that?
Ah did.
The pencil dropped again from her mouth, her words whispering hotly to her lonesome room, “Ah need her. Ah want her. But how do Ah get a Princess to love on someone like me?”
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SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL!
4433441
You took the words right out of my mouth!
MP, you can't let us dangle like this! Get AJ to work her courage up, and get these two together...pronto!!!
Yes, continue it for the story is too short and it can be expand far beyond what it is now.
MORE MORE MORE MORE PLEASE MORE!
Go to Twilight and ride her like a cowgirl...
Wah! This is awesome! Moar pls!
I vote for more.
This has great potential and it is sad to see it go to waste on a one-shot.
But it is you'r decision inn the end.
Since i'am not cretin on if this will continue i won't give you a rating.
~Tobben
It's a bit more blunt than I would like for my choice of reading (the obviousness that Applejack what's to do more than just cuddle and kiss Twilight. X3), but this sounds far too interesting. I'm with the others, I vote that you expand on this, at least a little bit.
DAMMNIT IT HATE IT WHEN AUTHORS DO THIS CONTINUE THIS PLEASE!!!!
Continue! This is one of the most unique writing styles I have seen!
Hey I think you need to continue this, if you look at what people are saying and then don't continue... it may start a riot... because this was amazing and needs to continue. What you set into motion can't stop the fans... good luck
I...I FREAKING LOVE IT!
It's beautifully written and has so much potential. Don't leave us hanging.
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Wow. I'm speechless. Good thing I'm typing then. Thank you all so much for the praise. I never intended to expand this, as I treated the fic as an experiment to do my version of Curify's writing style. I do have an idea where I could go with it, and I am reconsidering its one-shot status.
I'll throw a blog post up once I've come to some kind of confirmation that I will do it. For now, I'll ponder, and see if I am up to the task to continue working on it and maintain your high praise.
Once again, thank you so much for putting this story on the Popular Stories listing. I never expected that to happen.
4435500 Anytime sugarcube.
4435593 Thank you muchly! Keep an eye out, I may post more.
4435662 I will do that.
4435706 Thank you for that! Highly appriecated. The action scene bits are sorta seperated, but not clearly. Normally I quote things like diary entries and inner thoughts in italic, but this style Im gonna stick with, becuse its a style I never done before. I do have the same concerns in terms of flow. Buuuuut, eh, can't win em all.
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4436510 Oh, really? Cool.
I like this, it really sounds like prologue to a longer story. That said, I'm interested if you decide to write more.
4437192
Did, easy to miss things reading off a phone.
The troll has left the building.
...
4437769 ...?
4437772 …!
4437786
If there is one thing that this fiction that this fiction managed to do it was intrigue me. Certainly, many may think that a short column of words would fail to catch one's interest, however with this fiction I was grappled by the first sentence.
Who is this person who does not give her the love she seeks? Well, that catches your interest does it not? Although the cover may spoil a bit of if, of course we know she wants it on the bloody front cover. However the language, yes the language, it what brings us into a false pretence of knowledge. I assumed this would be taking the point of view from Twilight, as these types of romance fictions typically do, mainly because despite Twilight's characterisation we still do not know the entirety of her background so we are capable of building around it. However when I read the lines:
That right there caused my hand to move from my cheek to my chin, like the line of a fisherman's rod I was hooked in the inescapable piercing that had managed to pierce my intrigue instead of my cheek. What I like the most is self conflict it's typically not viewed in a great light because it's either too pessimistic, too quote-on-quote 'emo' or just not portrayed very well. However the actual conflict that she had with herself was done excellently, with genuine hurt other words, but what makes that more truthful is how you didn't specify exactly how she was feeling, but the fact that we can make the emotions out ourselves just goes to show how fantastically written it actually is.
I give this fiction (Based on what's actually presented not the entire fiction because as far as I am aware it's not actually completed.) a solid 8/10
The only gripes I had about it were mainly due to it's layout of writing, this may have been intentional and allowed the reader to actually imagine what Applejack was feeling, but if this was the case then it will bump up to a 8.5/10. Now the rest of the gripes were sourced from the, for a lack of a better term,feeling. Even though I have already brought up the fact you can feel Applejack's emotions the overall conclusion of this chapter felt bizarrely rushed. I also found the overall 'atmosphere' of the fiction torn when I read the line:
I will come back to read this fictions overall conclusion and I will rate accordingly.
Good evening.
Okay, so after reading this a couple times, I'm not entirely sure where I stand with this fic. It's an interesting (and rather enjoyable) take with the journal entry opening, but there're more than a couple things I'm not sure how to deal with.
For starters, Applejack appears... overly poetic in her journal entry. For example,
Now, I'm not denying that Applejack may think and/or write differently than she talks, because she very well could. I'm just saying that, based on how I understand Applejack's character and her quirks and speaking patterns, the way she's written here with this journal entry doesn't exactly sound like her. I went and read through "Chasing Applejack" as well, and I couldn't help but notice that Applejack is more poetic than Twilight was. I'm all for Applejack being metaphorical and poetic, but not this poetic. It almost doesn't sound like Applejack at all (at least at the start).
Second, the "it's wrong to be gay" thing... I dunno. It's a very real issue in some places, and while it is true that Equestria's stance on homosexuality hasn't been broached at all by the show, this seems to be a rather extreme take on it. The way it's presented here makes it sound like anyone thought to be homosexual would be crucified and sunk at the bottom of Ponyville lake. Now, this may just be my own headcanon, but a place that promotes love and friendship all over the place doesn't strike me as such a place. Like I said though, that's my opinion, but I will say that the way it's presented here is a little extreme for my tastes. Especially when she thinks of herself as "sick" for being in love with Twilight.
Third, this line:
I'm all for Applejack feeling like she isn't good enough for Twilight. Hell, that sounds like a rad premise to a promising TwiJack fic. I'm just not sure about the usage of the term "mud pony." Again, you seem to be going to the extremes here as Applejack really doesn't seem to think much of herself here. I mean, calling oneself a "mud pony"? I dunno man. It's a tad much.
Lastly, Applejack has what one might dare to call an unhealthy obsession with getting in Twilight's metaphorical pants. Like here,
And again here:
It's just... really, really looking like Applejack has a very, very unhealthy obsession with Twilight Sparkle. You could call that love, but I dunno, to me (and remember, this is just my opinion here) it looks like obsession.
Please understand that none of this was meant to be offensive in any way, I just wanted to throw in my two cents.
4437854 Thank you. I much appreciate what you said, and the flaw which is the blatantly clop reference. I'm happy to get a 5/10 on this fic, let alone an 8+. I hope I can justify your continued interest. I don't really want a review. I just want people to enjoy it for what it Is, but any input is great at this level of detail.
And feels. I am bad at feels. Read my other fics and you will know it is grim-dark, and it is a poor excuse to instill feels, but this one? It's total romance. And if I want to give those feels over, I need to write something which can do that, and... I can't do that. Without angst.
I don't expect a 10/10 from anyone, but, I'm working for it towards its eventual end.
But thank you. Really.
4437935 Thank you too! And... Yes. I used a lot of words that seem strong in terms of what Applejack calls herself and the fact she seems more obsessed than in love, and you may or may not have hit the nail on the head, but, we all do it. We put ourselves down some times to building ourselves up.
And yes, it is poetic, but, I always do believe the seemingly dumb ones can appear more than meets the eye. It's a bad an excuse. I just hope I can justify it for you. I have always been myself alluded to being dumb, due to my shit handwriting. I can't write for shit. I had to take a special course in education where I typed without aid of spell-check for my exams, which would determine my outcome in the English language courses. I passed. A*. That's my personal justification for the reasoning of AJ's writing ability. But I can see where you are coming from. It does seems OOC, and I agree. It was kind of. But I had to do it.
When it comes to the unhealthy obsession? Don't we all do that? I know, maybe not ALL, but, when you fall in love (insert EM dash) from my experience, you want to make sure that the target is everything you think about and they think about. By default, you create a fantasy where you are just that. An obsession. That's love to me. Irrational and unpredictable.
Thank you though, for your review and I will take it on board.
And no, you didn't offend me. It's cool, *brohoof*
4437935 Also, Dr Who fan comment. You ready for the coming of Peter Capaldi?!
4433483 Also, yes. It will happen. Sorry for the lengthy reply.
4438150 Cool!
And that's quite alright, MP. You should see some of my replies to things at times!!!
I'm gonna read it, but there are two things I really despise seeing in AJ-perspective fics.
1) AJ not being comfortable with herself. Unless that's the actual focus of the story, it's a really old trope. She strikes me as the kind of character that only loses self-confidence when she thinks she failed.
2) Trying to write her accent. Making it harder to read for the sake of emulating an accent is never a good idea. If you use a speech mannerism, like contractions, that's fine, but misspelling words for pronunciation is not.