I get by with a little help from my friends: Zecora
It was early. It was very early. It was so very early that it still constituted as late. Zecora was not expecting visitors, nor did she want visitors, and yet, at two am there was somepony wildly pounding at her door. With a sleepy groan, the zebra hoisted herself up from her bed, and trudged to the door, opening it while peering out of bleary eyes. Twilight Sparkle tumbled in with a squeal.
Zecora did not care.
"Twilight Sparkle now on the floor, what brings *Yawn* You knocking on my do-" Zecora groaned, before she was cut off by a frantic pony squeal. Zecora had to admit, Twilight had looked better. Her mane was a mess, her eyes were beady, and she was trembling as she pulled herself to her hooves. Somewhere, deep in her mind, Zecora realized that whatever had just happened to her- whatever she’d just done, was going to turn out to be a ‘thing’. A ‘thing’ that was not going to let her finish her rem cycle until it was dealt with. Sometimes this town...
"ZECORA! Y, You have to help me!! I screwed up! I screwed up really, really badly!" "Twilight squealed. Zecora rolled her eyes.
"So much trouble, you do accrue, tell me, Twilight, *Yawn* what did you do?" Zecora mumbled. Twilight leapt up onto her hind hooves, gesturing like crazy with her forearms.
"I lost my penis!" She screamed.
Zecora stared.
"My penis! I mean, Trixie's penis! I mean, Trixie gave me a penis and I lost it. I mean, the penis in the library. The library penis! It's gone! I mean, ugh, Trixie traded something for a penis and then gave the penis to me so we could have sex, but it didn't work and now I've lost it! " Twilight sputtered wildly.
Zecora stared.
"Have you been drinking?" Zecora asked. There wasn't a rhyme for that. There just wasn't.
"No, I haven't been drinking! Why do ponies keep asking me that?! I wanted to move it from my bedroom to the basement but it was too heavy to move on my own, and Trixie is away doing a show, so I cast a movement spell on it to give it legs, and walk it down stairs, but it ran off and now I don't know where it's gone, AND WE HAVE TO FIND IT BEFORE PRINCESS CELESTIA DISCOVERS I CREATED A WALKING PONY PLEASER!" Twilight sobbed.
Zecora stared.
"DID YOU HEAR ME?!" Twilight squealed.
Zecora nodded.
"D, don't you...don't you have any advice...or, or some brew you can mix up to help me?" Twilight whimpered.
Zecora slowly opened her mouth, pausing thoughtfully, and then slowly shut it. Advice? For a runaway penis? The zebra shook her head.
"What am I supposed to do?" Twilight squeaked.
Zecora stared at Twilight long and hard for a lengthy few minutes, before she finally shrugged her shoulders.
"From that story, you're out of luck, poor Twilight Sparkle, I think you're -"
Chasing after a giant stone penis was not what Zecora expected she'd be doing at three am in the morning. No. No this was actually something she'd not have guessed. If you'd offered her 10 billion bits, and gave her one million guesses- this would not be on the list. This wouldn't have even come close. Twilight was leading the way, slowly slipping down the empty, silent streets of Ponyville with Zecora in tow.
"Keep your eyes peeled. It could be anywhere. I didn't mean to give it sentience, but it took off on it's own...what do you think would attract a giant stone penis fountain?" Twilight whispered as she tiptoed along. Zecora frowned.
"For what do you think, and giant shlong would hunt? I have your answer, it rhymes with your aunt." Zecora grumbled. Twilight frowned. What rhymed with her aunt that a penis might want? Front...Blunt...Punt...Runt...
"A stunt?" Asked Twilight. Zecora raised an eyebrow.
"Look it's late, ok, I'm tired. Lets just-" Twilight began before the sound of hoof falls drew her attention immediately. She and Zecora had been crouched along the wall of Sugar Cube Corner, while they were lurking through town, and thats when it happened! Around the side of Sugar Cube corner came Applejack, racing like her tail were on fire. She slammed into Twilight and Zecora, and they tumbled into a helpless ball of flailing limbs.
"YOU! I KNEW you it had to be YOU who was behind this!" Applejack snarled, prying herself from the Twilight and Zecora pretzel.
"W, what? Behind what? Applejack what happe-" Twilight began, but stopped when her answer leaped out in front of them.
"YEEEEEEEEE-HAW, IMMA GIT MY CUTIE-MARK IN THIS FER-SURE!" Screamed a perky voice. Apple Bloom shot across the road, riding the penis with a lasso wrapped around it's 'head' and holding on for dear life.
Applejack, Twilight and Zecora watched in silence as Apple Bloom rode the penis down the street and turned a corner sharply, disappearing from view. Twilight swallowed a lump in her throat.
"A, Applejack.... Applejack are you mad?" She asked quietly. Applejack gently nodded her head.
"Is it about Apple Bloom riding a giant penis?" She winced.
Applejack gently nodded her head again.
"Thought so. "Twilight sighed.
"OK. First, Ah'm gonna need ya'll help stopping that rogue ding-a-ling, then Ah'm gonna need ya'll ta come up with a new word for me to describe just how incredibly ANGRY I am with ya'll, since I don't think that word actually exists." Applejack huffed. Zecora gave a groan.
"A fight you both, can later pick, but now, it runs towards the clinic!" Zecora screamed. True enough, the giant monstrosity was headed right towards the Ponyville hospital. Twilight covered her eyes with her hooves. This could not be happening. THIS COULD NOT BE HAPPENING.
Even with her eyes closed, she could hear the squeals from Apple Bloom, and the sound of concrete shattering as the giant cock ripped it's way through a wall like the Kool-aid-man. Only Twilight was positive it wasn't kool-aid it was dripping. It exploded out the other side of the hospital, rampaging along with Apple Bloom still hanging on for dear life. Apple Bloom and a new rider: Pinkie Pie.
"Heeeeey, looks like Twilight invited fillies to her Sex Carnival after all!" She squealed happily, hanging on tightly as the fountain bucked, and hopped, and bounced around down the street, spraying houses and sidewalks and anything in front of it down in an alabaster gooey mess.
Slowly, Twilight uncovered her eyes and watched in absolute horror as the beastly cockasaurus rampaged down the street. This was the worst. Sex. Ever.
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There are just... No. Just. No. No. No. ........... No. *instagiggles*
That was beautiful.
4579114
Thank you, thank you! It took me a little while to come up with exactly where I wanted to go with this, but this is working out nicely.
Poor Zecora. Twilight just keeps taking advantage of her hospitality.
I mean, where the fnord did she get the idea that Zecora was the go-to girl to track down ambulatory puerile statuary, I'll never know. Still, at least Pinkie Pie is having fun. And it'll be a few years before Apple Bloom is old enough to make the connection and get mentally crippled retroactively, so Twilight should have plenty of time to run and start a new life somewhere. I hear "Dewdrop Dazzle" is a good name.
I just hope that Rarity will be okay. Getting coldcocked like that can be traumatic.
It's okay we've all had our penises run away but there comes a time in life when they must stand erect on their own and you must let them go.
Cockasaurus....*shivers* that's creepy as hell.
(laughing) Go AB go!!!!!
4581689 I was cheering!
I lost it. Pretty much the entire chapter. Just. Lost.
Twilight should just stop trying to have sex she just made a giant walking penis. Now ab is trying to get her cutie mark in riding cock.
Okay, now THIS is more like it!
RarityEQM i got a question where is the next chapter for this story
4824833
In the process of being edited!
4824875 ok
Wow!... I just. AJ is going to kill Twilight for this.
Um..I um...I don't know
there are no words to describe this but to make a parody of the cool aid guy"OH NO OH NO OH NO"*giant penis goes through wall* OH YEAH
*everyone stares*.....*giant penis walks back awkwardly*
Not sure if I should be reading this.
Fuck it, it's too funny to stop.
As a linguist, what dialect rhymes "aunt" with "cunt?"
...Only someone with a Bachelor's in English would pause in a story about a magical unicorn bringing a statue of a penis to life to query about the character's linguistic peculiarities.
I need to get out more.
This had me in stitches.
9607721
I don't know exactly where the dialect originates, but we in my family pronounced it 'a-hunt' when I visited my family in North Carolina, so perhaps the south