The Sexual (mis)adventures of Twilight and Trixie

by RarityEQM

I get by with a little help from my friends: Rainbow Dash pt1

Twilight and Zecora sat in the middle of the library listening to the silence that deafened the room. This
was no ordinary silence – no, not the type that comes after an awkward inappropriate joke nor the sort
that spills into the room when a foal asks an adult what "intercourse" is for the first time.

No, no, no, this was the sort of silence that could only be summoned after a giant penis fountain grew a
pair of legs, destroyed a library and went rampaging through town with a child riding on its back.

This silence was legendary and treading dangerously close to biblical.

"While I think there is no fear of doom / Our first task should be Apple Bloom." Zecora yawned.
Twilight shook her head.

"I don't think she's in any real danger. I mean, she's with Pinkie Pie and it seems benign in nature.
Applejack went after her after all. I'm sure they'll be fine..." Twilight explained. Zecora raised an
eyebrow.

"A giant shaft betwixt her thighs / And she'll be fine, with Pinkie Pie? / How calm you are, I'd like to
see / When you get her bills for therapy." Zecora snorted.

Twilight gave a groan and rolled her eyes. She'd been searching for a way to cancel out the spell she'd
cast, but there seemed to be some sort of strange magical interference surrounding the statue in
question. Trixie's magic, which seemed to cause strange effects on objects mixed with Twilight's magic.
Luckily, Twilight was sure things couldn't get any worse–

"Twiiiiiiiiiiilight! The great and powerful Trixie has returned from her shooooooooooooooooooow! Are
you ready to get sticky?!" came a voice from the front doors. Twilight's ears wilted to either side of her
head.

Damn it all to Tartarus.

Slowly, Twilight turned about, flashing Trixie her warmest "this-is-a-really-bad-time" smile. Trixie
seemed non-plussed, instead slowly stepping over debris and garbage and glancing around the library
with a raised eyebrow.

"...Twilight? Wheres Trixie's penis? Also, why is there a giant-penis-shaped hole in the wall? Please do
not tell Trixie these things coincide." Trixie growled. Twilight gave Trixie a nervous grin and glanced
to Zecora for help.

"Twilight bought your dick to life / And it now fills the town with strife." Zecora explained. Twilight
groaned.

"Thanks, Zecora." she sighed.

"It scampered off and stole a child..." Zecora quipped helpfully.

"Thank you. Zecora." Twilight grumbled through gritted teeth.

"...I don't doubt charges have been filed." Added Zecora

"THANKS. ZECORA." Twilight snarled.

"Atop it now rides Pinkie Pie! / Soon, subpoenas to the sky!" Zecora exclaimed.

"NOT HELPING!" Twilight barked, before she flashed a nervous smile at Trixie.

Trixie did not smile back. She stood there, quietly vibrating in anger. Sex was not supposed to be this
difficult. It wasn't. It. Just. Wasn't.

"The town is already skeptical about Trixie, Twilight! And now you’re telling me Trixie's cock is rampaging
through the streets?!" Trixie snarled. Twilight sighed and gave a quiet nod, wincing at the hateful stare
from Trixie.

"Look, we can sort everything out later. Right now we have to save Apple Bloom, okay? Applejack has
already headed out to try and find her, but they could be anywhere. The three of us versed in magical
knowledge should work on figuring out an anti-penis spell.” Twilight explained.

Zecora nodded her head. "A cock block!" she exclaimed.

Twilight tilted her head to one side, but before she could ask what a 'cock block' was, Trixie was
already nodding her head.

"Yes! A magical cock block! That would work, but who will fetch the foal? We need somepony fast
who can take care of this as soon as possible. The last thing Trixie needs is a picture of her penis in the
paper." Trixie growled.

– ♀♂♀ –

"...............................................................what?" Rainbow Dash asked slowly. Twilight groaned. She
was starting to get tired of explaining this. Rainbow Dash was hovering just in front of the library now,
having been flagged down by Twilight and her vibrant wild screaming. Rainbow had just woken up, and she'd
figured it had something to do with the trail of destruction leading from the library and through town,
but now that Twilight was talking to her about it, Rainbow wasn't entirely sure she was awake.

"You want me to...find..." Rainbow struggled to finish her sentence. It was far too surreal.

"A giant penis." said Twilight.

Rainbow stared.

"Twilight. Uh... look, I don't know how to say this but I don't really um, you know...uh...I kinda play for
the other team." Rainbow stammered quietly. Twilight frowned and rolled her eyes.

"Rainbow Dash, this is serious, and no time to talk about sports! I need you to help me find a penis!" Twilight growled. Rainbow Dash bit her lower lip and glanced around, hoping that somewhere there might be a hidden camera, or the tell-tale giggle-snort of a Pinkie Prank. Sadly, there was no evidence of such.

"You, uh... you mean like a date? 'Cause, I, I mean, I don't, uh... I don't like boys." Rainbow Dash
coughed.

Twilight immediately shook her head at that and sighed. Why couldn't things just be easy? Why was
sex so complicated? Did earth ponies have this problem? Did pegasi?

"Rainbow Dash, this has nothing to do with boys!" Twilight grumbled.

Rainbow Dash stared. "Uh, Twilight? Penises are usually ATTACHED to boys. They're like a set." she
said.

"Not this one!" said Twilight.

"..." said Rainbow Dash.

"It belongs to Trixie." said Twilight.

"..." said Rainbow Dash.

"Ugh. Look: I was trying to have sex with Trixie and it wasn't working, so Trixie bought a giant penis
statue (which is actually a fountain, don't ask) to try and put us in the mood, but it didn't work, and she
had to leave to do a show, and I didn't want it sitting in my bedroom but it was too heavy to move on its
own, so I brought it to life so it could walk down stairs, but instead it went through the wall, and
Applejack tried to lasso it, but that didn't work, and now Apple Bloom is trying to get her Cutie Mark
in cock riding and WE HAVE TO FIND IT!" Twilight said.

".............................................what." said Rainbow Dash.

"ARRRGGHHH! WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR EVERYPONY?! I JUST NEED YOU TO FIND MY
GIANT WALKING DICK!!" Twilight snarled and stormed into the library, slamming the door shut
behind her!

Rainbow Dash stared at the door while her ears perked at the sounds of a frustrated Twilight behind it.
Even if it didn't make any sense and even if it sounded totally nuts, Rainbow Dash was the element of
Loyalty, and she would not let her friends down. Friendship was magic after all. And sometimes, that
magic was really, really messed up.

Author's Note:

...
What, you didn't think this story was dead, did you? ;)

Comments

[Mattricole]

Maybe I should start riding magical dick statues too?

[RarityEQM]

4825222 Fountain.

[Kitty Creeper]

This story is unimaginably hilarious. Like. You cannot imagine how funny I find this story. Seriously. Best story. Best.

[OmniFox]

Have Twilight ask Fluttershy for that!!!!!!

[The Buccaneer Brony]

warning...runaway penis

[Tome]

Good stuff

[ILurvTrixie]

*thump* I'm okay! This floor broke my excessive laughter induced fall! Well done, well done!

[Seether00]

I'm with Rainbow here. Just walk away.

[The Darkened Soul]

EHH Rainbow I got some advice its one word "RUN"