The Caliber of a Hat * The Bounty of a Meal * The Limitations of a Father
You could tell a lot about a person from the hat they wore.
Izod the Immense’s hat said four principle things. The size of the hat practically shouted: “I am important! Pay attention!” The materials used within the hat—plentiful gold, platinum, and jewels—said: “I am rich! Very, very stinking rich!” They way it constantly swayed back and forth in the air as Izod strained to lift it with his scrawny neck muscles said: “I don’t trust you to understand how very rich and important I am if I don’t wear this hat.”
The way the hat shimmered in the lamplight said: “Don’t pay attention to that last one.”
Applejack paid attention, however, to both the hat and the way Aspen the Alliterative hovered behind Izod, muscles tense to catch it should it fall.
“Ah, Izod.” Mangle popped one last knuckle and proffered his fist. “Good to see you again.”
“Where is it!?” Izod said. He ignored the fist and moved his head around Mangle’s bulk. “I want to see it!”
“Surprises never cease,” Celestia mumbled. To the donkey, she said, “See what, Izod?”
“Dooon’t you play games with me, Princess!” Izod hopped, rattling the gemstones in his hat. “President Mangle called us here to show us something! I want to see it!”
“I suspect you shall get your turn soon enough, my Lord,” Aspen said. He sighed softly through his nostrils and tugged at his purple tunic.
Applejack lowered an eyebrow. She cast a glance to the rear to see the creature’s reaction to the hullabaloo. It had jumped behind the chair the instant the donkeys had barged into the room. It looked at them over the lip of the seat, eyes wide.
(*): Meaning that Izod got about waist-high on Mangle. Bipeds and their verticality, I tell you what...
“Well? Where is it?” Izod trotted up to Mangle and pushed his face as close to the minotaur’s as possible (*). “We don’t have all day!”
“No,” Mangle said, “but this might take all week.”
Izod mashed his lips together in a frown. He looked from Celestia to Mangle with the air of someone who had finished a puzzle only to find the last piece stolen. He then looked at Celestia with the air of discovering who had stolen that piece. “Why is this going to take that long?”
Since the question was directed at her, Celestia really couldn’t avoid answering. She set her jaw on edge as she addressed the donkey. “It’s a new Sapience.”
“A what?” Izod tilted a little too far to the right. His hat aided him in a sideways dance, at least until Aspen caught it in his hooves. With a little help from his advisor, the Lord of Lightninggale was righted. “What’s so important about hay pence?”
“Sapience, my Lord,” Aspen whispered into his ear. The advisor’s voice wasn’t completely lost in the folds of Izod’s ear, and managed to drift across the room. “It’s a creature with the ability to reason. The capacity for knowledge and wisdom both.”
Izod the Immense nodded. He soon regretted it, as his hat tumbled forward over his eyes. “Like donkeys, then.”
“Very much like donkeys, my Lord.” Aspen lifted the hat off of Izod’s head with an audible “plunk.”
Izod turned his glare to Mangle. “So where is it?”
Mangle valiantly kept his face straight as he pointed wordlessly to the other side of the room. Applejack resisted the urge to place herself between the donkeys and the creature. Instead, she slid herself a little closer to Celestia’s side.
Izod hobbled forward under the watchful gaze of Aspen. The advisor raised an eyebrow as he passed Applejack, running a scrutinizing eye along her legs, flanks, cutie mark, head, and hat. He lingered on her hat, and Applejack met his gaze unwaveringly. He nodded and proceeded on his way.
Izod glared at the eyes that peered over the chair. “Well, speak up! What’s your name?”
No answer came, except that the eyebrows above the eyes lowered slightly.
“We haven’t been able to figure out its language,” Mangle said.
“Then find a way to teach it our language!” Izod said. “When are the zebras coming?”
Celestia’s muzzle scrunched up as her ears twitched.
“What’s wrong with the zebras, Yer Majesty?” Applejack asked.
“Nothing at all,” Celestia said quickly and quietly. “Nothing at all.”
“I’m sure they’ll get here.” Mangle coughed into his elbow. “They, um, they have a really beefy distance to travel, you know?”
Izod spun back on the creature. “Well, let’s get a look. Come on, get out here!”
The creature, unsurprisingly, didn’t budge.
“I’m waiting!” Izod snapped.
“Hay!” Applejack snapped back. “If it couldn’t understand yah before, what makes you think it’ll understand yah now!?”
Izod turned. Slowly. Painfully. Wobbly. He gave Applejack the same notice he might give a slice of cheese on the sidewalk: Something to be walked around. “Celestia.”
Celestia tilted her head up. “Izod?”
“Reign in your help.” Izod turned back to the creature. “They’re getting a little uppity.”
Applejack opened her mouth to speak, but then chanced a glance at the princess. Celestia’s frown wrinkled the sides of her mouth, deepened the corners of her eyes, and pulled the tips of her ears down. She looked at Applejack and shook her head.
“Aspen,” Izod said, “bring it out here.”
“That… may not be wise, my Lord.”
Izod whipped his head around. He did it so quickly that the momentum gripped his hat and continued pulling him in a circle. He spun on his hooves, his legs twisting beneath him. He dropped to the ground, but not before Aspen plucked the hat off of his head.
“Thank you, Aspen,” Izod mumbled through the carpet.
“You are quite welcome, my Lord,” Aspen replied.
Izod stood and stuck his head into the suspended hat. He frowned at the creature and beckoned it forth with a hoof. The creature shook its head.
“Well,” Celestia said. “Perhaps body language is the universal language.”
Izod walked around the chair, and the creature went around as well, keeping the seat between itself and the donkey.
“Don’t think so,” Mangle said. “I got a cousin who got in trouble when he moved south. He waved his fingers, like so”—Mangle held up three fingers—“’cause that’s how we say ‘hey’ up here.”
Applejack tilted her head. “What’s it mean down south?”
“Turns out he’d been calling everybody a cripple.” Mangle snorted. “They tied his legs together and sent him back here.”
Applejack pushed her hat further up on her head. “Kinda harsh.”
“Not really,” Mangle said with a shrug. “I’d have broke their leg, personally.”
Applejack’s green eyes widened. “Whoa, Nelly. Remind me not to get you grumpy, okay?”
Mangle smirked. “I think Celestia would bring the sun down on my head if I even thought about it. Right, Princess?”
Applejack looked up at the princess. Celestia kept her eyes on Izod’s chase, as if she hadn’t heard the president.
Applejack decided to leave her be. “Seriously?” she asked Mangle in a whisper.
He shrugged. “Sure. You don’t rule a kingdom for a thousand years without some serious beefsteaks.”
Applejack sucked on her bottom lip. “How long’ve you been in office?”
“’Bout five years, give or take.” Mangle counted on his fingers. “Yeah. Five. Got a ten year term before they shuffle me out.”
“Kinda like Equestrian mayors, huh?”
“Maybe.” Mangle chuckled as Izod tripped on the hem of his robes, causing a chain reaction with his hat that sent him tipping towards Aspen. “We don’t got an election like you, though. We got a contest.”
“Contest?” Applejack asked. Aspen and Izod crumpled to a heap on the floor, but Celestia had managed to snag the hat in a wave of golden magic. “You chose your presidents in a contest? Really?”
“Eh.” Mangle wiggled his thumb and pinkie in the air. “Each city chooses a rep, then the reps have a bunch of tests to go through. Feats of strength, historical exams, that kind of beef.”
“Weird.” Applejack blinked. “Sorry, ah mean—”
“That’s okay.” Mangle smiled. “Ideas are weird things. You’re supposed to think about them. You’re supposed to question them. Then you can decide on them.” His smile disappeared. “If you’re worried about insulting me, just ’member one thing: A minotaur’s body is a temple, and you don’t go insulting a minotaur’s temple.”
Applejack eyed the way his muscles flexed when he said “temple.” “Got it.”
The creature ran from Izod as the donkey got to his feet. “Aspen! Grab it!”
Aspen sighed and made a half-hearted lunge towards the creature. It jumped away from his reach, surprisingly agile on two feet. Its blanket, wrapped around its shoulders, billowed out behind it as it ran past Celestia.
Izod stood and ran beneath the hat that still hovered in midair. “After it, Aspen!” he roared. “Catch it!”
Celestia stuck out a hoof, barring the Lord of Lightninggale’s way. “I don’t think that will be necessary, Izod.”
The creature had taken refuge amongst the cow-friendly cushions. It once again peered at the assembled dignitaries, its head wrapped in its blanket.
Izod bared his teeth and shot Celestia a glare. When his eyes met the princess’, however, his gaze softened. Chilled. He took a few steps back, and Applejack suspected that, under his robes, his tail was tucked between his legs.
“How long’s Izod been… Lord of Lightninggale?” she asked.
“Since he was three,” Mangle replied.
“Makes sense.”
“Yup.”
Celestia “plunked” the hat down on Izod’s head. “Perhaps you would like to take a rest after your long trip?”
“Perhaps,” Izod said.
“Should we retire to lunch?” Celestia asked with a dagger-point-keen look at Mangle.
“We probably should, you know,” Mangle said. “Been a long day.”
President Mangle led the way out of the room, and Care and Caution fell in behind the procession. They had been joined by a donkey guard, who hefted a gilded spear across his back.
Aida, the cow aide, stayed behind as they filed out. Applejack looked back at her and noticed a tray of fruit balanced on her back. She placed it inside the room, made a tisking noise at the creature, and then closed the door.
Applejack also noticed the heavy lock Aida fastened to the door.
“Hay,” Applejack whispered to Celestia, “you’ve really got these guys’ number, huh?”
Celestia said nothing for a moment. She bent down until her head was level with Applejack’s. “‘Speak softly and raise the sun,’ so they say.”
“Princess Celestia carries a lot of respect with her,” Aspen said in a low voice. Applejack hadn’t even noticed he was slowing down to walk beside her. “She has ruled for far longer than most of us have been alive.”
Celestia gave him a small smile, then pulled ahead to stand between Izod and Mangle.
Aspen watched her go, and then tugged at the gold band around his tunic. “She keeps the peace at these meetings, more often than not.”
Applejack snorted. “Like some kind of playground monitor or somethin’?”
“That’s a very… interesting way to look at it.” Aspen tilted his head towards her. “And I won’t say you’re wrong.”
His ears tilted back. “You strike me as very different from the usual mayors that Celestia brings on these trips.”
“How’s that?”
Aspen’s eyes drew across her hat once more. “You don’t care much for appearances, do you?”
Applejack’s jaw dropped. She whipped her hat off and snarled. “Now just what in the hay is that—?”
“Not physical appearances,” Aspen said in a clipped voice.
Izod glanced back at the raised voices, scoffed, and then turned his attention back to keeping balance.
“How others see you.” Aspen lowered his voice to nearly imperceptible levels. “You are not as eager to please as most others.”
She returned her hat to its proud perch atop her mane. “Should ah be?”
“Maybe.”
Aspen looked around the hallway. Applejack hadn’t paid too much attention, but now that she did, she realized that the walls were sparse. There wasn’t so much as a single painting, and there were no windows this far inside the oval building.
“You’re not the type these people usually associate with,” Aspen said. “I would tone it back quite a bit. Some of the leaders will not appreciate your lip.”
“Like ‘His Immenseness,’ huh?” Applejack blew a breath between her lips. “Ah think ah can handle somep—somebody not liking me.”
Aspen frowned. “Let it be your funeral, then, Lord Mayor.”
He hovered in behind the Lord of Lightninggale just in time to tilt the hat’s balance a little more to the fore. Applejack watched as he slid this way and that, giving the hat just enough of a nudge to correct its wobble.
Celestia looked back at her and gave her an encouraging smile, a smile that tried to say that there was nothing to be worried about. Applejack had a sneaking suspicion that Celestia’s smile, if not the princess herself, was lying.
The table was decoratively carved, similarly to the chairs in the sitting rooms. In fact, it put many sculptures back in Equestria to shame with sheer intricacy. It stretched nearly all the way across the long room. It was also, much to Applejack’s astonishment, carved from a single block of wood.
“If that don’t beat all,” she gasped. “Ah didn’t even know trees grew that big.”
“You gotta wait a long, long time,” Mangle said. “This tree here was about a thousand years old and big as a mountain. It took Ripshred the best years of his life to carve it.”
Applejack’s brow furrowed. “Don’t tell me you took down a whole tree just for this table.”
(1): It was either provocative or constipated. Probably both.
(2): One was a chimera, which Applejack knew was not at all mythological. Another was a hippogriff, which may or may not be genetically possible. The last was a platypus, which was both completely silly and utterly terrifying.
“Nope.” Mangle pointed to the four corners of the room. One held a carved minotaur in a strange pose (1), while the other three contained mythological creatures (2). “See those sculptures? Ripshred originals, all of them. The chairs, too. His ancestors planted the tree hoping for a master sculptor to come somewhere down the line. That was his tree, you see.”
“I am ready to eat!”
Celestia, Applejack, Mangle, and Aida looked across the room. Their eyes fell upon Izod and his advisor. Izod sat tall, his hat almost meeting the same height as the back of his chair. A fork was clenched between his hooves, which he tapped against the table.
Aida gave Mangle a strained look. He shrugged and nodded. She sighed and walked out a side door, behind which Applejack heard the telltale noises of a kitchen at work.
“Um, go ahead and sit wherever,” Mangle said. “Plenty of seats. Right?”
“Sure thing, Prez.” Applejack kept close beside Celestia as the princess slid down the length of the room.
Celestia took a seat across from Izod and smiled at him. Izod blinked, continuing to tap his fork against the table. As Celestia smiled, his fork-tapping slowed. He stopped, put the fork on the table, and looked away.
Applejack guffawed, even as Aspen gave her a disapproving glance. Before she could think of something to say, the food was brought out on rolling trays. Apples were sliced and stacked into towers of fruit. Peaches were quartered and arranged in blossoms on plates. Strawberries were dipped into chocolate, and everything was served with optional brie.
“Shoot,” Applejack said. “This is lunch?”
“It’s a big deal, us coming to visit,” Celestia said. She accepted a plate of mixed fruit from the minotaur server with a nod. “Don’t you bring out your best china when family comes around?”
“No, ’cuz it’d be broken by the end of the day.” Applejack smirked. “Ah get what yer sayin’ though. Guess we are kinda special ponies.”
Celestia sucked some of the residual juice out of a peach quarter before popping it into her mouth. “Mm. I’ve always known you were, Applejack. I just hope you realize it from time to time.”
Applejack chewed an apple, made a face, swallowed hard, and then focused on the strawberries. She was about to pop a chocolate-covered delight into her mouth, when she felt Izod’s eyes on her. She looked up at the donkey just in time to see him not-look-at-her-at-all-whatever-do-you-mean. She watched as he ate the inside of a peach quarter and left the skin sitting on the side.
She shrugged and went back to enjoying the bounty.
Care trotted in from her flanking position at the door. “President Mangle? I’ve been told that the swarm has arrived.”
Mangle’s lips did a silly little jiggle. “Buh-bwah… You’re gonna have to be a little more specific.”
Care’s nose twitched. “Breezies.”
Applejack felt the least bit prepared for the new arrival. She had actually met him before, years ago. Though Fluttershy had spent much more time with him than anypony else.
Yes, Seabreeze was a “him.” The breezies were an astonishingly androgynous species.
The small—minuscule, really—pony flew around the dining hall on gossamer wings. His curly pink mane, much like Pinkie Pie’s, puffed out like a tuft of cloud. The black, form-fitting suit he wore clamped tight around his blue coat, and displayed his insect-thin legs for all to see.
“Whoot the heck is everypony munching on greens fer?!” he shouted. “Vhee hev a crisis on oor hooves!”
“Pariah Seabreeze,” Celestia said, “wouldn’t you like to have a bite to eat?”
“No I whood not!” he snapped. “If there is indeed a new Sapience, then vhee need to figure it out now!”
“The Sapience is comfortable and contained,” Celestia said. She held a peach quarter beside Seabreeze’s head. It was almost as big as his whole body. “And we have plenty of time for pleasantries. Sit. Eat. Talk.”
“Don’t eyew try eyewr alicorn mind tricks on me, Princess!” He pushed the peach away with a spindly hoof. “I can’t joost sit and watch while the world goos to gale in a hailstorm!”
The peach floated back with an insistent look from Celestia. Seabreeze crossed his forelegs and turned his head away. “Are eyew gooing to joost wave the food around, oor are eyew gooing to do something aboot the Sapience?”
“Both.” Celestia drew the peach to her mouth and munched on it. “Can’t we do both?”
“No!” Seabreeze shouted. “Maybe!”
Celestia smiled. “Strawberry?”
Seabreeze sneered. “Shoor. Why not?”
It took all four of his legs to hold the chocolaty confection. He settled down on the table and sulked as he ate.
Applejack leaned over the table. “Howdy, Seabreeze.”
His eyebrows dipped down until a faint spark of recognition entered his eyes. “Eyew are froom Ponyville, ja? Woon of the ponies that led us back hoom?”
“Eeyup.” She grinned. “Applejack’s the name. Been a while, huh? You’re some sort of leader now?”
“High Pariah of Breezy Bastion,” Seabreeze said. He pressed his lips against the strawberry and nodded. “Eeyes. That’s me.”
Applejack saw Mangle sitting at the far side of the table. He had a couple of breezies perched on his shoulder. They were mumbling back and forth in the breezie language.
“Doesn’t ‘pariah’ mean outcast?” she asked. “Or somethin’ worse?”
“Eeyes,” Seabreeze said, a bit more forcefully than the last time. “That’s me. That’s whoo I am. I am separated froom my people, only so that I may bring us closer to the outside world.” He shrugged and bit a chunk off of the strawberry. “Soomtimes I think that’s a bad idea.”
Applejack glanced at Izod out of the corner of her eye. “Better the draconequus you know…”
“Bah.” Seabreezie waved a tiny hoof. “A draconequus proobably won’t kill eyew by sitting doon.”
The image of a breezie splattered across Discord’s butt flashed through Applejack’s mind. She banished it like a nightmare to the moon. “Naw. He’d make it a lot more… crazy-like than that. Convoluted, that’s the word. Like a big old funhouse of pain, or somethin’.”
Seabreeze’s eyebrow shot up. “Whoot? Eyew know a draconequus?”
“Discord’s… kinda a friend?” Applejack shrugged. “Maybe?”
“A friend.”
“Eeyup?”
“With a draconequus.”
“Eeyup?”
Seabreeze’s butterfly-esque antennae twitched. “Eyew’re dribbling on my garden.”
Applejack blinked. “Beg pardon?”
“Eyew…” Seabreeze pointed at her with a strawberry-stained hoof. He let it plop down on the table. “Eyew’re serious.”
“Yeah.” Applejack bit down on a peach to give her mouth something else to do.
Seabreeze sat for a moment, before calling out to the breezies on Mangle’s arm. A cute, light orange girl-breezie fluttered over with a teeny-weeny, turquoise boy-breezie in tow.
“Lord Mayor Applejack”—Seabreeze pointed at the orangeish girl—“allow me to introduce my darling wife, Dandelion”—he wrapped his foreleg around the little boy’s shoulders—“and my bold son, Crisperfall.”
Applejack grinned. “Howdy, Dandelion, Crisperfall. Pleasure to make yer acquaintance.”
Crisperfall spoke in a voice that made Applejack desperately want to coo and make baby noises. “Can I grow that beeg when I grow up, Papa?”
“Ah…” Seabreeze turned his head away and gritted his teeth. “Maybe if eyew always eat eyewr wheat.”
“Dang,” Crisperfall said. “I guess not.”
Applejack snorted in her efforts to hold back a snicker. “Ah always had trouble eatin’ wheat myself.”
Crisperfall glared at his father accusingly. Dandelion rolled her eyes, gathered him up in her legs and started to fly away. “Meen pargden. Kerby gersg whipperdin.”
“Ma-ma!” Crisperfall wailed as he was dragged through the air.
Seabreeze sighed, his entire body drooping in midflight. “Thank eyew kindly fer making my hoom life that mooch moore difficult.”
Applejack’s eyes darted between Dandelion and Seabreeze. “Sorry. Ah didn’t mean nothin’.”
Seabreeze returned to the table and sucked a bit of juice out of the strawberry. “Noo. Noo, eyew did not. It’s not eyewr fault.” He growled into the fruit. “It’s joost that Crisperfall is at that age where he’s watching everything I say and doo to see if I’m ever wrong.”
He pointed a hoof at Applejack. “And joost guess how often that is.”
Applejack sucked in a breath. “Ah hesitate to say ‘probably a lot.’”
Seabreeze nodded.
“Ah went through that with mah lil’ sis, Apple Bloom.” Applejack pushed her plate a few inches away from her spot at the table. A minotaur scooped it up before she could blink. “Girl had a stubborn streak a mile wide.” She tapped her hooves together. “A lot like me, ah guess.”
“Hmm. There’s the problem.” Seabreeze took to the air and flittered around. “He’s got too mooch of his papa in heem.”
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This is a neat story. Humorous and not at all badly written. The one thing I can say is maybe think of a better way to implement the footnotes. To read them I either have to scroll all the way down to the author's notes - losing my place in the chapter - or wait until I finish reading the chapter, by which point I've forgotten what exactly the footnotes are referring to. Maybe find a way to implement the footnotes in the actual chapter itself near the sentence it applies to (perhaps separated by italics or a quote box or something). For example:
"I hope you die, you dirty, dirty Shisno!(1)" Said Gary.
Other than that, it's good and I look forward to more!
4187912
Yeah, footnotes in a story that reads vertically like this are really, really hard to do right. If they even can be done right. I'll play with them a bit.
I like your idea of separating them in a quote box, that seems like it has serious staying power. The issue is deciding how close to the indicated prose to put it. I feel like if I add it right below the paragraph, then it might as well have been added to the paragraph. The problem there is that the footnotes are supposed to be for giving additional information without interrupting the flow of the story.(*)
I could wait a few paragraphs and put the notes there, but that would then be a sore thumb-esque block of quote right in the middle of the story. I could put it right before a scene break, but then you'd have the same problem with scrolling and losing your place.
I'll play with it.
I'm glad you're enjoying yourself! I'm getting a real kick out of it, too.
Footnotes
(*): Of course the irony is that it breaks up the flow anyway, since you need to stop reading and scroll.
*Grins* Another interesting chapter, things jsut keep improving.
4188136
It's an upward spiral, my dear Maskedferret! Please do hold on to the handrail and enjoy the ride. Wot.
I'm really liking how you're characterizing all of these important
poniespeople as, y'know, people. Especially the nod to cultural differences being something a new politician should really get to know sooner rather than later. I still don't know where you're going with this yet, but the worldbuilding is interesting in it's own right, so there. (Especially the Breezies. They're sort of new, but nobody ever does anything with the Breezies.)4187997
Regarding footnotes, that's really the best you can do on a site that disallows user-defined custom formatting. (i.e. basically all of them but AO3) I guess you could ask readers to use Ctrl+F to go to the footnote and back to the text? Because that's what I do. Although telling people to do something is rude?
I am far more into this story than is probably healthy!
4188526
Thank you.The best and worst thing about people is that they're people, and people make for marvelous stories. Good characterization is a dream of mine, you might say. I try to get in a lot of practice.
Well, a bit more of this, and then moving into what they decide to do about the Sapience. And how nobody can agree on anything. And how Applejack tries to solve it.
There's the nutshell, to be honest.
I know, it just feels like there's this perfect solution just waiting to be uncovered. Or at least something that can make everybody happy.
Which is kinda ironic, considering what this story's about. Or is it coincidental? Maybe both.
Sometimes. It might be in this case, what with adding a new rule to how they read.
I didn't even know how to use CTRL+F until a couple days ago. Heh.
4189657
For this affliction, I would normally prescribe another dose of chapters, but the next isn't written yet.
I was thinking more along the lines of eternal elder statesman, but I guess AJ's suggestion works too.
Seabreeze!
Hah!
4196535
I think you'll find that Playground Monitor is far more apt.
Completely valid reaction, considering the stuff Perry the Platypus gets up to. Gah! Now it's permanently ingrained in my imagination that it's a statue of Perry with his fedora flexing and looking sideways like this:
!
Hmmm, I begin to see what people mean when they talk about learning a word, then having it pop up everywhere. It's been what, a week since I first heard this one, and now I've seen/heard it on Studio C several times, in A Series of Unfortunate Events, and now here...
Where is the conflict in this story?
The hat is a phallic symbol. You know what they say : The larger the symbol,
the smaller the symbolized. 
Stay on your guard Applejack.