The DJ and Cellist

by thedjscratch3

Chapter 1

In a crowded music hall, a cellist was just finishing her last piece of the night.
She was one of the youngest and most talented musicians to ever play the cello.
Music flowed beautifully from the cello as she moved the bow across the strings with
confidence. Her playing left most of her audiences in almost a trance while she was
playing. The crowd remained quiet until the final notes had been played and then
broke into thunderous applause as the young cellist took a bow and moved off the
stage. Backstage she was greeted with congratulations from the other musicians who
had played the same night. She accepted the praise and moved to put her cello in
its case. Tonight was like most other nights for her. She played most nights in
some music hall or for some event. She was becoming one of the most successful
classical musicians to ever play. Not only was she one of the best musicians but
easily one of the most beautiful musicians too. She had long black hair that was
brushed to perfection and deep purple eyes that you would get lost looking into.
She had a very pretty face and a slender body. Her name was Octavio Philharmonica.

She left the music hall with her cello on her back and began to walk towards her
apartment. It wasn't a far walk but she was so tired from the performance that
night that she felt like it would be an eternity before she got back. She walked
slowly along the dim and deserted streets while trying to stay awake. She had been
very tired the past week because every night she had been playing somewhere and
hadn't gotten enough sleep lately. Between her playing and composing of her own
music she was left exhausted. As she turned down a street she heard music coming
from farther down the street. It wasn't classical music but rather a type of music
that she did not rather enjoy. It was coming from a club down the street that had
just opened a few weeks before. She sighed as she got closer thinking to herself
how anyone could listen to this stuff they called 'music'. As she passed the club
she almost got deafened by the music that was blaring from inside the club. She
walked faster so she could get farther from that horrendous noise. When she was
well away from the club she finally slowed down and turned down the street that her
apartment was on. When she finally got to her apartment she fumbled with her keys
and got her door unlocked and went inside her apartment. She set her cello down and
walked into her kitchen to get a glass of water. As she was drinking the water she
looked up at the clock. 1:30 She thought. I'm not going to be getting a lot of
sleep tonight. Knowing that she had to get up early in the morning like she always
did. She put her glass down and walked into her bedroom, just wanting to fall
asleep and not wake up for a long time. When Octavia got into her bedroom, she went
to the side of the bad and looked at the picture on her nightstand and went over and
picked it up. She stared at the three people that were standing in it, a man, his
wife, and their child. She felt tears in the corners of her eyes as she looked at
the picture running her fingers over it. She fell onto her bed hugging the picture
as her tears began to fall. “I really miss you Mom and Dad.” she whispered as she
closed her eyes and cried. She cried until exhaustion took over and she fell asleep
still clutching the picture.

__________________

Meanwhile in the club that Octavia had passed, a DJ was just finishing up her set
for the night. She was a young DJ with blue spiked hair and purple shades that she
wore almost everywhere. Her name was Vinyl Scratch a.k.a. DJ-Pon3. She looked at
the club through her purple shades that she had on. The numbers had started to
dwindle since it was near closing time. She picked up her microphone as the last
song finished and spoke into it. “I hope everyone has had a good time tonight but
its time for me to shut it down. This is the great DJ-Pon3 signing off.” She set
the microphone down and started to pack up her stuff. She finished getting her
stuff together and walked out of the club. When she got outside she took a deep
breath and started to walk down the street towards her apartment. When she got to
her apartment she opened the door and ignoring the mess, walked to her kitchen. She
opened the fridge and pulled out a beer, cracking it open. She walked into her
living room drinking the beer and flopped down on the couch. She took out her phone
and started to look at all of the missed calls and messages she had. Most of the
missed calls and a couple of the messages had been from the same number, her father
asking how she was doing. The other messages were from her agent telling her that
he hadn't been able to get anymore gigs for this week. Vinyl sighed. At one time
she was at the top of the DJ world, but lately she had fallen into a rut and was
barely getting any gigs. She knew that every musician fell into one of these every
once in a while but lately she was not making enough money and was almost getting
kicked out of her apartment because she couldn't pay her rent. She sighed again,
just wanting to forget about all of her troubles. She decided to put her phone away
and not answer the messages and just fall asleep, and that is exactly what she did.

________________

When Octavia awoke early the next morning, all she wanted to do was go back to
sleep. She always woke up at this time and had been doing it for the past few years
so that she could start getting things done for the day. Today she wasn't doing
anything, but decided to get up anyway as she wanted to finish a piece of music that
she was writing. She got out of bed and walked into her kitchen. She made herself
some tea and put some bread in the toaster. She sat down at the table started
sipping at her tea and nibbling at her toast. After finishing her toast and tea she
made her way back to her living room where her cello was, and took it out. She
began to play the song that she was writing and started adding on notes when she got
to the part where she had finished the last time she had composed. She worked into
the afternoon, finally finishing the piece. She collapsed onto the couch in
exhaustion. I really need to unwind, she thought. I should go get a drink
somewhere. Octavia didn't drink very often, but she was feeling down and decided to
go for a drink. She got her coat and headed out. Out on the street, she started
walking towards downtown. She came upon that same club she had passed the night
before and seeing as it was a bar too, decided to go inside and get a drink. She
did not go to places like these very often. She liked to avoid places like clubs,
knowing the type of people in places like these. The club wasn't very busy when she
walked in, which was to be expected since this type of club was usually more
occupied later at night for partying. She sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
She looked around the club taking in everything. It wasn't the best club though it
wasn't a very bad one either. She noticed a poster that told of a DJ that was
playing tonight, a DJ-Pon3. She wasn't one of the people that liked DJ's, but she
wasn't doing anything tonight and decided that she would stick around and see the
entertaintment for tonight. She ordered a couple more drinks and watched as more
people started to come into the club.

________________

Vinyl woke up late that afternoon. She opened her eyes and immediately shut them as
the sunlight hit her eyes. She stretched and sat up on the couch. She got up and
went into her kitchen and making herself a cup of coffee. She yawned as she waited
and took a half-eaten sandwich out of the fridge and started munching on it. She
took her cup of coffee and went back to the couch and sat down on it again,
finishing her sandwich and drinking her coffee. She looked at the time. Just a few
more hours til I need to get ready to go to the club again. This club had been the
only one to hire her lately, but it was starting to get boring playing at the same
club day after day with the same people. She sighed and decided to rest until she
had to go the club. When the time came, she got her stuff together and left the
apartment and headed for the club. When she got to the club she went through the
back door and began to set up for the performance that night. Time passed quickly
as she set up and she noticed that she had to start soon. She went backstage to the
dressing room and began to get ready. She walked out and went to the side of the
stage waiting to be called up. She looked at the crowded club before her and
shivered with anticipation. She heard someone start to speak into the microphone.
“How is everyone doing tonight?” The crowd cheered in response. “Well I don't want
to keep you waiting for the entertainment, so please welcome the one, the only,
DJ-Pon3!” Vinyl walked up onto the stage as the music started to play. She dove
immediately into the songs and started the place rocking.

________________

“Please welcome the one, the only, DJ-Pon3!” Octavia heard as music started to
play. She looked and saw someone walking up onto the stage. She had blue, spiky
hair with purple shades over her eyes. Octavia was almost hypnotized by the woman.
She certainly looks like a DJ. The blue hair suits and those shades go very well on
her. She kept staring at the woman as she sat at the bar. She is quite beautiful
too. Octavia shook her head. Stop it! I'm not even into women. Even if I was, she
would never go for someone as boring and bland as me. I need to stop thinking of
her like that. Octavia looked away and decided to listen to the music that was
playing. She thought that the music didn't sound as bad as she had thought it
would. I guess I just needed to actually listen to it. After a while, her eyes
were drawn back to the DJ. No matter what she did she could not pry her eyes away
from her.

________________

Vinyl looked at the crowd through her shades scanning over them. Same old crowd,
she thought as she looked at them. Wait who is that? She noticed a girl she had
never seen before sitting at the bar. She certainly doesn't fit in here. The girl
was wearing a plain gray suit and stood out among all of the other people. Never
seen her before. I wonder what brings her here. She thought as she continued to
look at her through her glasses. She staring at me too. She is quite the looker
too. The suit looks good on her. Vinyl decided that if that girl was still here
after the show was done that she would go talk to her. She turned her attention
back to her music as she switched records and started playing another song.

Author's Note:

This is my first attempt at writing anything so I know it is pretty bad. Give me some feedback on it.

Comments

[Air Heart]

Okay constructive criticism time. I'll try and be as kind in my words as I can and please remember than im not being mean, just trying to point out where your writing falls flat, and how you can improve it.

First off

Backstage she was greeted with congratulations from the other musicians who
had played the same night. She accepted the praise and moved to put her cello in
its case.

This is a example where 'show don't tell' needs to be applied. you have told us that it happens, try to write the event as if we are witnessing it. for example (I really hope this is more 'show' rather than 'tell' otherwise im a hypocrite)

As Octavia finished her performance the crowd thundered into applause in a standing ovation, after bowing to the crowd she made her way backstage.
"nice performance octavia" she heard from her left, turning octavia saw beauty brass smiling at her.
"yes, an exceptional performance" remarked Frederick, both of whom were other performers for the night. having played beforehand
"thank you" replied octavia as modestly as she could. Octavia received praise from some of the other performers that she was unfamiliar with as well. such praise always put octavia in a good mood, it was proof that she belonged here, that she was the best cellist in canterlot and perhaps the world.

This is just a example but it gives a place to develop the character further and show some of their personality to the reader.

Secondly

She left the music hall. She walked slowly along the dim and deserted streets. She had been very tired the past week

Almost every sentence starts with she did this of she was this. Try and avoid this as its very repetitive and the reader will notice and it distracts the reader away from the story. You want to capture the reader in the story and immerse them as much as possible. mix it up a bit, and writing the event like I showed earlier makes this much easier

And thirdly, I saw a few times where dialogue came in that it was composed like so;

dwindle since it was near closing time. She picked up her microphone as the last
song finished and spoke into it. “I hope everyone has had a good time tonight but
its time for me to shut it down. This is the great DJ-Pon3 signing off.”

Whereas it should be;

dwindle since it was near closing time. She picked up her microphone as the last song finished and spoke into it.
“I hope everyone has had a good time tonight but its time for me to shut it down. This is the great DJ-Pon3 signing off.”

As a rule, whenever a new character is speaking, make a new line. This breaks up the story and the wall of text and gives a clear indication to reader that its a different character. this is vital if there is two characters talking back and forth.

Also

She noticed a girl she had never seen before sitting at the bar. She certainly doesn't fit in here. The girl was wearing a plain gray suit and stood out among all of the other people. Never seen her before. I wonder what brings her here. She thought as she continued to look at her through her glasses. She staring at me too. She is quite the looker too. The suit looks good on her.

there is a over use of full stops. and this is more opinion but the paragraph is very short. each sentence or thought only a few words long, making for a juddery chapter. try to elaborate on the characters thoughts or the clothing characters where or whatever. This allows for a much more smooth and flowing paragraph, keeping the reader in the story. just make sure you don't waffle on while doing so

For example it could be reworded as;

vinyl noticed a girl that she had never seen before sitting at the bar who looked out of place. she was wearing a plain grey suit that made he stick out of the crowd of party goers adorned with glow sticks. Vinyl wondered what a girl like that would be doing at a club as she stared at the girl through her purple tinted shades, noting that she was in turn staring straight back at her. she was rather pretty, the suit was either tailored or the woman just look good in a suit. Tearing her attention away form the woman at the bar, vinyl began to swap the records over, fading out the current song, whilst bringing the new songs volume slowly up, making for a even transition.

that's about all I can think of right now.

my advice, is read this http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide
It will help immensely.

also if you don't have one, get an editor, they will help pick up on sentence, spelling and grammatical errors, as well as help structure the story and make it flow nicely and make it ideal to read.

remember writing is a means to convey your story to an audience. so its ideal to do so in the most efficient and audience capturing way possible. atleast until you have a good grasp on writing and can start experimenting with style

and secondly, and this is more personal advice and opinion, write your story, not someone else's. if someone says "you should't have neon be vinyl's ex colt friend" or whatever, ignore it, if they want one where there's a different situation than your story, they can go write that story.

Ignore negative comments, take on constructive criticism but don't bend over backwards for it. and keep writing. I've seen too many writers stop writing and leave the site due to ass hole users, particularly those who write glorious octa-scratch.

I look forward to seeing you progress as a writer, and will be following you to see how it goes.

good luck, and hugs!

[Switch n razor]

4178227

Wow well yeah that pretty much sums it up for me ( no offense) still a good read though

[thedjscratch3]

>> Air Heart
Sorry i haven't been on for a while because of sports. I just finished up with a sport and then i tore my meniscus so I have been down for a while. But thanks for the criticism. This is my first attempt at writing any type of story so im glad that you have given me some pointers. Ill take ur advice and change some of those things.