We're Off to See the Frickin' Wizard
As she watched the guardsponies clear out of her home, Twilight stood there in shock and confusion. They’re letting him go? she thought to herself. But he’s a menace! I mean, he sounds like one at least. Fluttershy has no idea what she’s getting herself in-
“Twilight, could I have a word with you?”
Jolted from her train of thought, Twilight quickly entered the tree house after the others had vacated, leaving her alone with the royal sisters. “With all due respect Princess,” she began, standing before the regal sisters, “I think this is a really bad idea.”
Celestia frowned. “Quite honestly, I’m not so fond of the idea myself. However, I faith in your friend’s ability.”
“But shouldn’t he be interrogated now?” Twilight offered. “I mean this is first contact, and right off the bat, he’s talking about world domination!”
“That’s why,” Celestia rebutted, “we want you to learn as much as you can about the alien, and I want a letter every night detailing what you’ve learned. If at any time you feel he is too unstable or dangerous, we’ll take him into custody.”
“And besides,” Luna added, “whom doth have a better chance of containing him? Us, or thine Elements?”
She has a point, she mentally ceded. Twilight sighed in reluctance. “Alright, I’ll do it. I just hope you know what you’re doing.”
“Thank you, Twilight,” Celestia told her. “We’re going back to Canterlot now, so I wish you the best of luck.”
The two approached the door -with Celestia currently outside- when Luna turned back and asked, “Also, have thou attained any sleep? Thou hast begun to form bags under thine eyes.”
She nodded. “I received plenty after you left last night,” she replied honestly.
“Do not neglect thyself,” Luna advised. “Be sure to get a good night of sleep, as thou lookest like an old mare.” And on that note, she exited the building, leaving behind a flabbergasted Twilight Sparkle.
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
After watching the Princess’s procession fly into the distance for a moment, Fluttershy turned back towards the doctor -who was currently sitting in a bench far too small for him, looking both confused and depressed- and smiled as warmly as she could. “Thank you,” she said.
He looked up at her. “The hell did I do?” he inquired.
“You cleaned up your mess from last night,” she told him. “I appreciate that.”
“Well it’s not as though I had a frickin’ choice,” he countered. “But I appreciate the sentiment, I suppose.”
She trotted over to where he was sitting, and sat down next to him. “You feeling alright?” she then asked, noticing the expression on his face. “You look sad.”
“Well let’s recap, shall we?” he began, standing up and pacing back and forth. “I was forced into a cryogenic sleep for thirty years, resulting in Mister Bigglesworth’s premature baldness, my own impotence, and my misplacement in a world that’s just too frickin’ hunky-dory for me.”
Her smile slowly died as he listed the various reasons for his unhappiness, and by the time he had finished, it had been replaced with a frown of her one.
“Speaking of which,” said the Doctor, “where is Mister Bigglesworth?” Fluttershy shrugged, and the doctor sighed. “Great, now we can add ‘lost cat’ to the list.”
Oh, I feel terrible, thought Fluttershy. I wonder how I can help to cheer him up.
“Way ahead of you!” called the familiar voice from right behind her. Fluttershy jumped forward, squealing in fright before flipping around to see none other than Pinkie Pie herself standing there, with her usual happy-go-lucky attitude and an equally-pink hairless cat on her back.”
Even the doctor had jumped a bit. “How the hell did she do that?” he questioned. “Just popped out of nowhere.”
“Y-You get used to it,” Fluttershy sputtered, before taking a deep breath to calm down.
“And you have Mister Bigglesworth!” he cried, extending his hands. “Come to daddy, Mister Bigglesworth!” The cat quickly climbed down off of the mare’s back, before trotting towards him and climbing up into his arms. The doctor smiled, stroking the feline’s fleshy neck. “Well, that crosses one problem off of my list.”
“I’m Pinkie Pie!” she then exclaimed. “What’s your name?”
“Doctor Evil,” he said, giving her a stare of confusion. “Pinkie Pie?”
“Yeah!” She bounced up and down on her hooves cheerily.
“...Right…” The doctor seemed to ponder something for a moment, before releasing a sigh of cecession. “Well, I suppose I should thank you for returning my cat to me.”
“No problem!” she cheered, showing a big toothy grin.
He took a step backwards, appearing off-put. “...Well if that’s all, then-”
“I’m also here to welcome you to Ponyville!” she said with undiminished volume. “I’m friends with everyone in town, and it’s always fun meeting someone new! Especially if that someone came from space!”
“Well considering the last thirteen minutes and the events that have transpired,” he began, “I feel about as welcome as a hernia.”
“I made this for you!” she said, before retrieving -out of nowhere once more- a small cupcake. Upon closer inspection, Fluttershy saw a small green figure -she noticed that it was holding up two fingers- on a black icing background. The doctor hesitated at first, before tentatively taking the dessert in his free hand -his other carefully caressing his cat- and examining it.
“What is this?” he asked.
“It’s a cupcake, silly!” she said. “Don’t they have those where you come from?”
He sniffed the small pastry, his nose scrunching up. “Made out of what, exactly?”
“Oh, the usual,” Pinkie began. “Eggs, sugar, milk, sugar, flour, sugar, butter, sugar, and sugar!”
Both Fluttershy and the doctor looked towards the small erratic pony, though it was the doctor who spoke. “Gee, is there any frickin’ sugar in this thing?” he asked sarcastically.
“Yeah!” she yelled. “How’d ya know?”
The doctor rolled his eyes. “Lucky guess.” Then, after taking a quick breath, he opened his mouth and took a small bite from the top. A small bit of green frosting clung to his upper lip as his jaw moved to chew. His facial expression was one of intrigue, and he stared off into nothing, as though deep in thought.
When he finally swallowed, Pinkie looked up at him with hope. “So?” she asked. “What do you think?”
He shrugged. “It’s not terrible,” he said, licking his lips. “Though I’ve had better.”
“Awesome!” Pinkie exclaimed, leaping into the air in glee. The action was followed by simultaneous explosions of confetti that didn’t seem to have any point of origin. The doctor took another bite, keeping his eyes glued on the whimsical pony.
“So I think it may be a good time to introduce you to the town,” Fluttershy chimed in. “To let them know that you’re not dangerous.”
The doctor chuckled, looking down at her with a sneer. “Lure them into a false sense of security? My, how sinister of you, hench- ...Fluttershy,” he said, cringing at the end. “Okay, is that really your name? I mean honestly.”
Fluttershy nodded, slightly offended. “What’s wrong with my name?” she inquired.
“...Doesn’t matter,” he said. “What does matter is that this town is made aware of the change in power.” He took a few steps forward with his back to the other ponies, holding his hands on his hips and staring off into the distance. “They’d better frickin’ watch themselves, because this is one doctor that does make house calls.”
Fluttershy winced, her face contorting into a frown. ...That was terrible, she thought.
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
The large office never felt quite so cramped as it did in that instant. So thought Mayor Mare as she sat in her posh felt chair, looking over the odd trio sitting across the desk from her; a pony, an alien, and his hairless cat. She glanced at the clock; seven minutes past noon.
It’s only been twelve hours since he landed, she pondered, but it feels like so much longer. She yawned, having not had adequate sleep. She had been troubled by the political aspects of the first contact most of the night, allowing for only a strained hour of sleep. A momentous occasion, she had thought. Countless generations will read about this in their history books. How I perform in this period of time will determine my legacy as a leader.
Looking back down at the filled-out permit on her desk, she sighed, before pressing a button on her desk -the intercom- and speaking into the microphone. “Sunscribe?” she called in an authoritarian voice. “I’m going to fax this permit to your desk, and I want it filed away.”
“Yes, Miss Mayor,” called a feminine voice.
The Mayor nodded out of habit, before turning her attention to the two in front of her. “It’s done,” she said. “The permits are in order, and the event is scheduled for three days from now. I’ll have the fliers mailed out post-haste.”
Fluttershy smiled and bowed her head. “Thank you so much for this,” she said. “This is exactly what we need to help people understand-”
“However,” she interrupted, glancing back down at her paper, “I cannot allow… ‘sharks with frickin’ lasers attached to their frickin’ heads.’”
“And why the hell not?” the doctor questioned indignantly.
“It would take far too long and be too expensive to move an aquarium here on such short notice,” she began. “Also, having sharks is nonsensical and dangerous. And above all else, I don’t know what you mean by laser.”
“Who doesn’t know what a laser is?!” he cried in outrage.
“Thank you,” Fluttershy interjected, silencing him with a hoof pressed against his mouth, “for the permit, Mayor.”
The Mayor rolled her eyes. “If that is all, then I have other affairs that need tending do,” she said dismissively, before getting out of her chair with the written permit. “Talk to Sunscribe at the front desk, she’ll print out your copies of the permit.”
The timid pegasus and the temperamental alien both stood up -the latter caressing his fleshy feline in both arms- before vacating the room. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes and trying to relax. You’re holding up well, she thought to herself, carrying the paper into a back room with a fax machine, photocopier, and other office devices. After feeding the paper into the fax machine and punching in the address, she then vacated the small room to re-enter her office.
“Miss Mayor? Are you busy?”
She had nearly jumped out of her skin, having not expected the voice. Her eyes shot open, her teeth gritted together to form a fear-dominated facial expression, her eyes darted around quickly in an attempt to uncover the source -which happened to be none other than the town’s resident bookkeeper, Twilight Sparkle- and she sighed exasperatedly.
Warn a mare next time! she wanted to shout. But instead, she took two deep, slow breaths and counted to twenty, before taking her usual seat in her chair to face the visitor.
“Oh, sorry for startling you,” Twilight said. “...I seem to be doing that a lot recently.”
“Yes, well no harm done,” the Mayor said in a controlled, calm composure. “No, I’m not busy, though I would’ve appreciated at least a knock on the door.”
“Sorry,” Twilight apologized once more, taking a seat at the desk. “But it’s urgent.”
“Is it?” the Mayor inquired. “Then come on, out with it.”
“You know that Fluttershy is trying to plan a party to introduce the alien to the rest of the townsfolk, right?” she began.
The Mayor nodded. “I just signed the permit,” she told her.
Twilight frowned. “Do you think you could revoke it?”
“Not before the event itself,” she replied truthfully. “It’s already been filed. Why do you not wish for the event to take place?”
“I just think it’d be a better idea to learn a bit more about him first,” she began, “before putting him on display in front of hundreds of ponies.”
“Well according to Fluttershy,” the Mayor rebutted, “that’s exactly the point of the assembly; to better get to know him.” She then added, “You’re worried he may hurt somepony aren’t you,” though it was more of a statement than a question.
Twilight nodded in affirmative. “It’s only been little over twelve hours since he’s landed,” she told her. “We have no idea what he’s capable of doing, although he seems to like bragging about it.”
“Well from what I’ve heard,” the Mayor countered, “about the meeting with the Princesses, he seemed quite powerless.”
“Well, yes,” Twilight ceded, “but-”
“Look,” the Mayor said firmly, cutting off the magenta mare, “I wouldn’t have signed the paper if I had any doubt -any doubt- that you girls could take care of any trouble he may cause.
“I know you’re worried,” she continued, “but I have the utmost faith in your abilities. You’ve saved this town from threats far worse than him.”
“...I suppose you’re right…” Twilight said with much reluctance.
“If it makes you feel better,” she said, “the event isn’t for another three days. That should give you plenty of time to conduct your own interview with him beforehand. And if you happen to learn something important enough, I could find a way to cancel the event.”
Twilight smiled humbly. “Thank you, Mayor, I appreciate it.”
The Mayor smiled proudly. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” she said, “I have some important things to tend to.”
Twilight nodded, before exiting in the same fashion as the two prior had. Once alone, the Mayor grinned, opening a drawer under her desk. I’ve been waiting all morning for this, the thought to herself, before retrieving a large cucumber and a jar of peanut butter.
Lunch!
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
“So you’re sure it’s not too short notice?” Fluttershy asked the pink pony that bounced up and down from in front of the large gingerbread house. The doctor found it -along with most other buildings in town- to be quite the eyesore, and he found himself staring down at a contented Mister Bigglesworth.
The only frickin’ familiar thing in this whole goddamn place, he thought to himself. ...I mean besides the giant Big Boy statue that is still smack-dab in the center of town. I mean I can see the frickin’ thing from here! He looked over to the left, and above the line of houses was the top of the giant ships’ head, along with his burger carried overhead. What I wouldn’t give for one of those right now, he thought. Just looking at the faux patty was making his stomach growl and his mouth water.
“Not a problem!” Pinkie replied happily. “I can have it all ready to go in two-million eight-hundred thousand three hundred and nine blinks of an eye!”
The statement drew the doctor’s attention from the fake food. “That’s oddly frickin’ specific,” he noted out loud.
Pinkie didn’t reply, instead favoring to disappear into the large building through the front door that presently hung ajar. Whatever that little horse is utilizing for her erratic travel, he thought as he followed Fluttershy inside, I must find out what it is. My henchman could very much benefit from teleportation technology. Hell, I could frickin’ benefit.
The interior felt very reminiscent of a diner -the several booths, the counter on the back wall that was home to several desserts visible through glass panes, and the many bar stools in front of said counter- though the doctor was disappointed to find that the color palette used seemed to have been ripped from a children’s book.
“Welcome to Sugarcube Corner!” Pinkie Pie shouted from behind him.
“Shah!” the doctor cried, instinctively leaping forward and almost running into Fluttershy. The cat flew out of his arms, yowling out loud until hitting the floor with grace. The cat made a bee-line straight up the stairs, disappearing from sight.
Doctor Evil flipped around to stare down the pink pony. “Okay, you need to cut that shit out,” he said seriously.
Pinkie Pie giggled, before bouncing around the two and standing at the countertop, ringing a small brass bell. After a moment. a plump cerulean mare with a large red mane emerged from the open doorway, smiling briefly. The moment her eyes met with the doctor’s, however, the smile had begun to falter, before coming back even stronger. The doctor could tell, however, that at that point it was far from genuine.
“Uh, hello Pinkie,” she then said, avoiding eye contact with him. “Is there something you need?”
“Miss’s Cake,” Pinkie began cheerfully, “meet Mister Evil! Mister Evil, meet Miss’s Cake!”
“Okay, are you frickin’ kidding me with this?” the doctor shouted at Pinkie, annoyed and upset. “What the hell is so goddamn difficult about saying Doctor? I mean throw me a frickin’ bone here!” Suddenly, the blue mare cleared her throat, and he turned back towards her. “Yeah, frickin’ howdy-do and all that.”
The mare cocked her head to the side. “How… charming,” she deadpanned.
Pinkie Pie giggled, before hopping over and taking a seat at a booth. “Let’s sit here!” she exclaimed. Even when sitting down she couldn’t keep still, constantly shaking and bouncing in place.
Fluttershy was quick to follow -with the doctor trailing behind sluggishly- and the two ponies sat on one side across from the evil genius, who sat opposite them. “Well I don’t know about you two,” he said, “and quite frankly I don’t care, but I’m hungry. So what all does this place serve besides desserts?”
Pinkie nodded erratically. “Yeah!”
The doctor eyed her, confused. “Yeah?” What the hell is that supposed to mean?
“Yeah!”
“...Yeah?”
“Yeah!”
“They don’t serve anything else,” Fluttershy quickly interjected, before grinning sheepishly.
The doctor sighed. “Well then what the hell am I gonna eat, hmm? Because unlike you little weirdo’s,” he said, pointing to the two of them, “I need actual food. Not cake, not any hippy gerbil feed; food.”
Fluttershy appeared uncomfortable all of a sudden. “...You’re not a vegetarian, are you?”
“Absolutely not,” he said indignantly. “Oh, but let me guess; no one in this town eats meat, right?” After receiving two uncomfortable expressions, he sighed. “Frickin’ peachy.”
He slouched forward, holding his head in his hands and sighing deeply. This place is hell, he thought somberly. Absolute hell. No evil organizations, to decent food; Suddenly prison doesn’t sound too unappealing.
“Well, there is one…” Fluttershy said.
He lifted his head out of his hands and stared directly at her. “Yes?”
“Oh, that’s right!” Pinkie exclaimed, though with noticeably less vigor. “He could probably help him out!”
“Who?” the doctor said, surprised by his own anxiousness. “Stop being so frickin’ ambiguous for Christ’s sake and tell me!”
“He’s a gryphon that lives just outside the Everfree,” Fluttershy explained. “Actually not too far from my home. He-”
“Whoa,” the doctor interrupted, “let’s back that up; a gryphon?” ...They’re making that up.
Fluttershy nodded. “He regularly hunts in the Everfree. He almost never comes into town unless he needs something.”
“Well then what the hell are we waiting for?” the doctor said, sliding himself down the booth to stand up. “All I’ve eaten in the past thirty years and one day is a piece of carrot and a cupcake.” After receiving two more strange stares, he sat back down with a groan. “Of course there’s a catch,” he muttered. “Always a frickin’ catch.”
“It’s just that, well…” Fluttershy began, before trailing off.
“He’s really weird!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“...Yeah…” Fluttershy said quietly.
The doctor raised an eyebrow. “Weird how..?” he inquired.
“He’s… eccentric,” Fluttershy stated hesitantly.
“Oh, and I’m not?” he countered, raising his eyebrows and wearing an expression that a father might use if he had caught a child in a lie.
“He also really likes food!” Pinkie added. “Like, really really likes food!”
He rolled his eyes once more. “Gee, so do I!” he said with heavy condescension. “Now can we please get the hell out of here? The longer I frickin’ sit here, the more I have to breathe in the diabetes.”
Pinkie shrugged. “Sure! Let’s go!”
Just then, there came a series of thuds and banging noises from the stairs, attracting the attention of everyone at the booth. What they saw was a small alligator fall down the flight of steps and onto its stomach. Doctor Evil quickly noticed that its eyes were not only very large, but they were a vibrant shade of purple.
Those eyes are creeping me the hell out, he thought to himself.
Shortly after its landing, Mister Bigglesworth came down the steps as well -though favoring to walk- and leaned his head down to smell the reptile.
“Hiya Gummy!” called Pinkie Pie, who waved at the two animals.
The doctor was dumbfounded. “...Is that an alligator?”
“He sure is!” Pinkie exclaimed, sliding out of the booth and hopping over towards the animals. “His name’s Gummy!”
The doctor raised an eyebrow, deep in thought. ...Perhaps Gummy might be a way for me to terrorize the town? Certainly, a vicious alligator roaming loose could wreak great havoc.
It was at that point that the gator leapt upwards -Holy shit, that thing’s got strong legs, thought the doctor- and clamped his jaw down onto Pinkie’s extended hoof. The doctor winced, grinning madly as the attacking animal caused Pinkie Pie… to giggle uncontrollably.
The doctor furrowed his brow. “What the hell’s so funny?” he questioned. “Aren’t you in excruciating pain right now?”
“Of course not!” she replied. “Gummy doesn’t have any teeth, silly!”
Upon closer inspection, Doctor Evil saw that there were indeed no teeth in the mouth of the amphibian. He sighed in disappointment. Well that blows that plan out of the water.
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
They had been walking for about an hour, when finally they came across a small, wooden shack built against the trunk of a rather large tree -the genus of which the doctor couldn’t identify, though it appeared to be a form of jungle plant- that stood a good fifteen feet high. It had paneless windows cut into the front, along with a door created from several unevenly-cut planks of wood. A stone chimney on the completely-flat roof emitted big puffs of white smoke.
At least it’s a change in frickin’ scenery, the doctor thought optimistically, walking behind the others as they approached the small shack. It reminds me of our family vacation in the summer of forty-two. Suddenly, a foreign odor entered his nostrils, filling his head full of memories and making his mouth water.
Meat, he thought, grinning.
The two ponies in front of him, however, covered their noses and mouths in disgust. “Blech!” was the noise that Pinkie Pie made, retrieving out of a box -that appeared out of nowhere- a military-grade gas mask, before quickly putting it on. Normally, the doctor would have stared down the tiny horse in an attempt to uncover the explanation for such an event, but now, his mind was filled with two things; wild nostalgia, and ravenous hunger.
The trio stood in front of the small cabin, before Fluttershy lightly knocked on the door twice. At first, there was no answer, but after a moment, he could hear rhythmic thudding approach the door.
The one who opened the door was a massive, five-foot-tall obese gryphon with a large distended gut, brown greasy feathers -save for those that made up his head, which were white and equally greasy- an age-yellowed beak, a tail that swished behind him sluggishly and four large, filthy claws. His fat almost completely obscured his rear claws from view, and he seemed to be leaning on the open door, rather than holding it open. The doctor dry-heaved.
“Oi!” he shouted in a thick Northern Sea accent. “What the hell do yew want?”
Well isn’t he just a ray of frickin’ sunshine, he thought to himself pessimistically. Or perhaps it’s just the suns’ rays bouncing off of his grease-covered face.
Fluttershy cowered before the gryphon -that completely dwarfed her in size, as he stood almost as tall as the doctor himself- and gulped loudly. “I-I uh, well, I-”
“‘Ey, ah ain’t got all day, lass!” he said, interrupting her rudely. “Ah got a chicken that needs t’ be tended to, so-”
“If I may ask,” the doctor chimed in, “how are you preparing it?”
The gryphon grinned, licking his lips. “Ah’m gonna fry the crap out of it! ...Wait, who the hell are you?”
Well, fried food is better than hippy food, he thought in consolation. “Today,” he began, “I am a connoisseur of fine foods. And I was told by my good… aquaintances-” he placed a hand on either pony’s head, “-that you were the one to seek out.”
The gryphon raised a claw up to scratch at the back of his head, raising his bushy eyebrows in confusion. “...Are you askin’ me for mah lunch?” he finally asked.
“On the contrary,” he began, “I’d like to commission a meal from you. My entourage is prepared to pay whatever price you set forth.”
Fluttershy turned to look up at him. “Actually, we never said-”
Suddenly, the gryphon seemed to transform into a completely new person -person… right… thought the doctor- and donned a big, dumb grin. “Well if you’re not like these lil’ morsels,” he said, nodding towards the two ponies that stood between the two non-equines, “Ah’ll make you a meal that’ll knock that fancy accent right out your throat! No one in this town appreciates good cooking.”
“No frickin’ kidding,” he said. Finally someone who gets it. “So may I come in?”
“Sure, sure!” The gryphon let go of the door, before waddling backwards and out of the way for the doctor. With each step that he took, the floorboards practically screamed under his weight.
Nodding to the gryphon, Doctor Evil nudged past the two ponies and entered the domicile, before looking back at them and saying, “I’ll be back… whenever the hell I feel like it.” He then shut the door on the confused and off-put mares, before turning back towards the gryphon and smiling. “What was your name again?” he asked.
“Mah name’s Talon, but mah friends call me Chubsy!” he replied, still grinning and gripping his feather-cloaked fat rolls with his claws. “And yours?”
“Doctor Evil,” he replied. ...Well, it’s better than frickin’ Fluttershy. “Well, Chubsy,” the doctor began, “as they say in Bruges; it’s time to eviscerate and devour a dead animal.”
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Oh boy. Here we go.
Hmm...I'm not a fan of that character. {I generally preferred the first Austin Powers, the others just weren't as good.} I'm not going to say I don't like him, I can't really since I barely know him, so I'll just sit back and watch. {I originally thought you were going to do a more sporadic, younger griffon around the main six's age... or pretty much Heavy griffon.}
Good story though.
Keep up the good work.
Oh my god he didn't
Oh my god he did! i freaking knew it! i knew you couldn't resist! don't worry.
i couldn't either
It perplexes me, too, honestly.
I am sorely tempted to start keeping track of how many times Doctor Evil has used 'fricking' in both speech and thought. It's getting a tad ridiculous, partner.
FAT BASTARD IS HERE AND GUNNA EAT ALL THEM PONIES
sorry couldn't resist
Fat bastard transcends dimesions for he is too big for just one! Go Chubsy!
static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/fat-bastard.jpg
Now we just need Goldmember! Bring out the skin box!
Fuckin' Bruges.