We're Not in Frickin' Kansas Anymore
When she finally made it home, it was three in the morning. There were no lights on in the giant treehouse-cum-library when Twilight returned, her movements slow and her eyelids heavy. The night’s excitement had supplied her with just enough adrenaline to last until she climbed up the steps to her bedroom -almost tripping on a stray book- and falling face-first into her bed, knocked out cold. She didn’t notice the numerous scrolls that piled up in Spike’s circular bed. She didn’t hear the thunderous crackling of Spike's flaming sleep-belching, releasing several more letters into the growing pile. And she was completely unaware of the knocking on her front door an hour later.
She did, however, hear the door to the library get busted down, the sound of shattering timber echoing throughout the entire domicile. Twilight woke with a start, her pulse racing as she came to terms with the noise, and what it signified. Oh my gosh, is someone breaking in?
“TWILIGHT!” called an all-too-familiar voice. “ART THOU UNHARMED?!”
Her ears perked up, and she was assaulted with confusion. Wait, Luna is breaking into my house?!
“Princess Luna?” she called back. “Is that you?”
“FEAR NOT!” called the princess of the night. “I SHALL SAVE THEE!”
She heard several more hoofsteps outside growing progressively louder, until her bedroom door was destroyed just as the first; with Luna headbutting the door and knocking it off of its hinges, sending it to the ground with a powerful slam! She looked up at Twilight, was presently struggling with the blankets she now seemed entangled in -though she hadn't been using them at all.
“ART THOU UNHARMED?!” she loudly questioned once more.
Twilight nodded quickly, finally pulling herself from the comforter's grasp and standing at attention in front of the now-unkempt bed. “Yes I’m unharmed! Why did you break down my door?!”
“THOU DID NOT RESPOND TO OUR SISTER’S WRITINGS!” she boisterously explained. “WE SAW THE CATASTROPHE BEFALL-”
“Luna, with all due respect,” Twilight interrupted, checking a nearby clock, “it’s… four in the morning. Ponies are still trying to sleep. Do you think you could maybe speak a little quieter?”
“WE… will try,” she quickly mended. “We saw the fireball land amidst thine town, and you’ve not responded to our letters. We were worried, Twilight.”
“What letters?” Twilight inquired. “...Wait…” She turned her attention to the small dragon that lay amidst a myriad of scrolls. Burying her face in a hoof, she groaned in annoyance. “I’m sorry about that, Princess,” she began, directing her attention back to the nebulonically-maned Princess, “but I’ve been out all night and I didn’t even notice the-”
“T’is not what’s important right now,” she started, cutting of the unicorn. “What is important is that we know that nary a citizen was harmed.”
“Oh, nopony was hurt,” Twilight assured her. “Though, something important has come up.”
“Oh? And what would that be?” Luna inquired.
Suddenly, Twilight heard Spike snore rather loudly. Turning around, she saw him jolt upright, apparently startled awake by the noise. “Huh, wuzzat?” he said groggily, before gazing upon the princess of the night. “Wait, Luna? When did you get here?”
Twilight facehoofed.
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
Fluttershy woke gracefully to the sound of a rooster performing his morning ritual out in the distance. Opening her eyes, she lifted herself up out of her bed via her wings -which required a bit of stretching after being slept on all night- and checked a nearby clock.
Ten O’ Clock? That’s odd. He usually sings much earlier.
Looking out the window, she saw the rooster perched atop the coop, looking directly at her. It raised a wing and flapped twice -as if to wave at her- and Fluttershy waved back, smiling.
I think he knew I didn’t get back until late at night, she thought to herself. How sweet of him!
Stretching out her limbs once more, she dropped to the ground and left her bedroom, beginning her descent into the living room via the stairs. The first thing she noticed was the smell of sour milk. Her nose scrunched up in disgust. Ew, what is that? ...Oh, that’s right… Looking down, she saw that while the smell was strongest on the steps, there was not a trace of any visible milk residue, and the glass was nowhere to be found. Well at least he cleaned up after himself, she thought appreciatively. I’ll have to thank him for that next time I-
Looking over, her heart skipped a beat when she saw the doctor sitting upright in the couch, staring directly at her. His hand idly stroked the cat in his lap, who had focused its attention elsewhere. She took a step back in reflex, and her footing on the steps had been lost, causing her to fall forward before flapping her wings hard enough for her to hover over the stairwell. She stayed like that for a moment, until eventually she flew down to the living room floor.
“Have a nice, trip?” Doctor Evil asked condescendingly, placing a pinkie on the corner of his mouth and pursing his lips.
“I, uh, didn’t expect to see you awake,” she admitted, her heart still beating furiously. “Have a nice rest?”
“Of course not,” he said, standing up. “I told you that I didn’t need any sleep. I stayed up all night, plotting more evil schemes…” Something clicked in his head just then. “...Well, it appears that I’m still seeing horses. I suppose that was to be expected; the effects of being fed a hallucinogen for thirty years will most likely linger for longer still.”
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, donning a semi-sincere smile. It’s okay, Fluttershy, she thought to herself. Twilight’s going to send the letter today, so you won’t need to play along for much longer.
“Say, henchman,” he then began, “why don’t you fetch me something from the mess hall? Because quite frankly, I’d rather not eat any of that hippy-dippy crap in your refrigerator.”
“Uh, sure thing,” she said, relieved that she was allowed to leave.
“Also, where’s your restroom?” he inquired. “Needless to say, I haven’t used one in thirty years, so there’s a lot of build-up.”
...Ew. “It’s upstairs,” she said. He nodded, before walking up the steps -which cried in distress as he climbed- and out of sight. Fluttershy sighed, before opening the front door…
...And immediately being pulled aside by a pair of white hooves. She would’ve screamed had a hoof not been placed over her mouth. Instead, her muffled yelling was all that could be heard.
“Fluttershy, it’s okay,” came a familiar voice. “Don’t panic, it’s alright.” Suddenly, Twilight stepped into view, though she seemed to look past her and at something else. “Go ahead and let her go, officer.”
The grip was released, and Fluttershy leapt forward, clinging to Twilight in fear. She turned back towards her assailant to see that it was actually a royal guardspony. Looking around, there were several guardsponies standing outside of doors and windows all over the building. “Twilight’s what’s going on?” she asked in a quaking voice.
‘They’re here to get the alien,” she explained. “Luna saw the ship land, and she visited me last night asking about it.” Fluttershy breathed a heavy sigh of relief, releasing her grip around the magenta mare. “How did last night go? He wasn’t too much trouble for you, was he?”
“Well, he did, sort of, kind of…” Fluttershy trailed off.
“What? What did he do?”
“...He tried to eat Angel, but-”
“He did what?!” she cried, only to be shushed by the guard nearest the door. “Is Angel alright?”
“Oh yes, I stopped him,” Fluttershy assured her. “Apparently, he doesn’t like vegetables.”
“Where is he now, Miss Fluttershy?” the guard then asked her.
“Oh, he went to use the bathroom,” she said, cringing before adding, “I think he might be there a while.”
“Then let’s go,” he said, entering the house with several others. They all went upstairs, and Fluttershy and Twilight went inside to the living room, listening.
“Henchman, is that you?” she heard the doctor call. “I commend you on your speedy delivery. Say, speaking of speedy deliveries, you wouldn’t happen to have snagged a bran muffin, would you? Needless to say, a few decades in space has really corked me up.”
“...That’s disgusting,” Twilight said, cringing.
Upstairs, a door was burst open. “Wait, shit, the feds!” One of the guards said something she couldn’t hear, and the doctor replied with, “Well I’m a little frickin’ occupied at the moment, thank you very- At least let me frickin’ wrap this up, would you? ...No not literally you frickin’ asshat!”
After a few minutes -and two consecutive flushes- the doctor was escorted down the stairs with bindings on his wrists. He shot Fluttershy an icy glare. “Benedict frickin’ Arnold,” he said, before adding, “And I clogged your toilet.”
“Keep it moving,” ordered a guard from behind him.
Doctor Evil looked back at the pony. “Oh shut the hell up, you ignorant swine. ‘Wait, literally?’’”, he said in a tone that mocked the guard. “What are you, frickin’ retarded?” Then, back to Fluttershy. “And where the hell is Mister Bigglesworth?”
As he mentioned the hairless feline, so should he appear from around the corner of the archway that led into the kitchen. The cat was then quickly swooped up by another guardspony, with much protest.
“Hey!” the Doctor yelled. “Be careful for Christ’s sake! Mister Bigglesworth doesn’t like to be man-handled!”
He was then escorted outside -making him hit his head against the top of the doorframe and eliciting a short cry of pain- and Fluttershy frowned, feeling guilty. “...I kinda feel bad about doing this,” she said to Twilight.
“Fluttershy, he tried to eat your pet,” she said. “He’s too dangerous to be left alone.”
“I dunno, Twilight…”
“Look, at least he can’t hurt anypony now,” she said. “We can finally get to the bottom of this.”
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
The evil genius was escorted -nay, paraded- through the complex, with all of his henchman just staring as the lawmen escorted him. Why are they just frickin’ staring at me? he wondered. Why are my henchmen not viciously assaulting my captors in an attempt to save me? Then, it hit him. Hard.
...They’re not my henchmen, he realized. Oh, it appears that I’ve made a grave error. They’re not my henchman… they’re an actual hippy commune! That explains so frickin’ much! All the freaky-deaky names, the happy-go-lucky nature of this entire frickin’ hellhole, the vegetables! Mufasta’s incompetence isn’t the cause of my hallucinations; they probably fed me their hippy drugs! And then they took advantage of my LSD-induced nausea to release me to the feds! I wonder how much they’re receive? Most likely several fortunes, as I am quite the evil super villain. And they’ll probably frickin’ blow it all off on drugs and cloth dye, too. He smirked, having figured it all out. But they didn’t count on one thing; I have spies absolutely everywhere. Certainly someone will come to my assistance.
The parade ended at the base of a large tree. What the hell are we doing here? ...Oh God, they’re not gonna make me do some frickin’ hippy prayer to their tree-god, are they? But then, a door in the side of the tree opened, and they were escorted inside, to reveal a rather lavish interior. Oh my, he thought in wonder, that’s excellent camouflage. Hippy or not, I must congratulate the builder. Perhaps I could convince him to build me an evil lair..?
Inside, there waited two rather large horses -one taller and white, the other shorter and a deep blue- with spectral manes, wings as well as horns, and wore tiaras. These must be the lesbian hippy princesses, he brilliantly deduced. They stood at the far end of the circular room, with large bookshelves nestled into the wall behind them. The officers led him to a small wooden chair in the center of the room, removing the bindings. “We’ll be outside if you need us, ma’am,” said one of them, before they left the room and the door behind them was promptly shut.
The doctor simply stared at the two for the longest time, and they at him, looking over and assessing each other. After a few moments, the white one finally spoke. “Greetings, space-being,” she said warmly.
God damnit, here we frickin’ go…
“My name is Celestia,” she began, “and this is my sister, Luna. We are the rulers of this fair land. What is your name?”
...Oh okay, they’re sisters, not gay lovers… I should hope, at least. You can never frickin’ tell with communes like this. “I go by many names,” he began theatrically. “‘The Harbinger of Death’ is one. ‘Father Crime’ is another; it’s a rather humorous play on ‘Father Time’. Though you may refer to me as I am often called… ‘Doctor Evil.’ Surely you’ve heard of my atrocities in the past.”
Celestia shook her head. “No, I can’t say that I have. Luna?”
“Nay, there be none of such a name in our great library,” she replied.
...Why the hell is she speaking like that? he wondered. And what do they mean that they’ve never heard of me? How could anyone possibly forget all of my evil campaigns? I mean I- ...Oh, that’s right. Commune. They’ve probably been isolated from society for the longest time; they’d hardly have heard of any of my attempts to rule the world.
“So what brings you to our planet, doctor?” Celestia inquired just as warmly as she had prior.
Why is she being so frickin’ friendly? he wondered, eyeing her suspiciously. “Well space was just so frickin’ lovely,” he said sarcastically, “but I eventually decided that I’d come back to Earth. See the sights, smell the frickin’ roses and whatnot.”
“So thou hast been here before?” Luna asked him.
“Mmmyes, indubitably,” he said in an attempt to imitate her ye olde’ dialect.
“I’ve never heard of a creature like you before,” Celestia inserted. “Where do you come from?”
...What? Okay, now shit’s starting to get weird. It’s like they’re treating me like a frickin’ alien now… Unless… He looked down at himself. His features did seem more emaciated than normal, though he could still identify himself as human. Do they honestly think I’m an alien? ...Well I could have a little fun with this, he thought deviously.
“I come from the planet frickin’ Jupiter!” he said dramatically. “There, my people have perfected the art of space travel and hairless cats! We, uh…” He put his hand to his chin, trying to think of something else incredulous and ridiculous.
...Oh, this oughta be good.
“We have also come to invade your planet!” he added.
The two sisters in front of him stopped smiling. The atmosphere in the room suddenly became much darker, and the doctor found it quite unsettling. “Invasion?” Celestia repeated.
“Uh… yes?” he said, suddenly unsure if he had made a good decision. “Yes! We will come by nightfall with a thousand space ships! We will destroy your measly frickin' planet… unless…” He brought his pinky back up to its favorite spot at the corner of his mouth. “...you pay us… One million dollars.”
The princesses shot him serious -almost menacing- glares. “We do not take kindly to invasion threats,” Celestia said coldly. “It doesn’t matter how large of an army you bring; Equestria will defend itself.”
Equestria? Is that what they named this piss-hole? “Feel free to try,” he said nonchalantly. “If you want to risk the lives of millions of people, be my guest.”
“You’ll not shear a single thread from the manes of our fine ponyfolk!” Celestia exclaimed.
“...Ponyfolk? The hell does that mean?” he said out loud. ...Ponyfolk, Equestria… His eyes suddenly grew much wider. Wait, are they actual horses?!
He rubbed his eyes with his fists, attempting to rub the hallucination from his eyes. They were still giant colorful alicorns. His pulse began racing. Okay, so they’re actual horses. And they can talk. Talking horses aren’t supposed to be real… Just then, his jaw fell open, his brain having made the final connection. Unless I landed on another planet. God, frickin’-
“DAMNIT MUSTAFA!” he suddenly shouted, standing up and stomping his feet; he had never felt so furious in his life. “I’LL KILL HIM!”
The two sisters stepped back, scowling at him. “What are you talking about?” Celestia questioned. “Speak!”
The doctor paid them no mind, as he was lost in his own ranting. “Starvation and incineration isn’t enough; I want that Middle-Eastern jackass to frickin’ suffer! I’m going to feed his nuts to sharks! I’m going to break every bone in his legs and put him in an ass-kicking contest! I’m going to-” He then turned towards the two equine aliens, ceasing his rant as he saw the shocked and horrified looks on their faces. “...Okay, perhaps we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot,” he said calmly, extending a hand towards them. They looked at it blankly, and he brought it back down. Right; no handshake without frickin’ hands. “So, there’s a really frickin’ funny story behind all of this.”
Celestia snarled. “Why should we believe you now?”
“Honestly, I thought I was high,” he replied truthfully. “I thought that I was chasing the purple frickin’ dragon because of doped-up hippies.”
“What dost thou mean by that?” Luna then questioned, clearly confused.
He took a deep breath, the accent flaring his anger. “Okay, what’s with the frickin’ accent?” he finally asked her. “You sound like a retarded Renaissance Fair attendee.”
“Art thou insulting mine tongue?” she questioned, taken aback.
“No, I’m insulting your voice,” he countered. “...No, I’m not insulting anyone!” he quickly corrected. “I’m not frickin’ invading, I’m not doing anything.”
“A likely story,” Luna then said. “One you can tell to our courthouses in Canterlot!”
“...Wait, but I didn’t frickin’ do anything this time!” he cried. “You can’t arrest me for diddly-squat!”
“We don’t know enough about you,” Celestia began, “to tell if you’re a real threat or not. And until then, it’s too dangerous to let you roam freely.”
“That’s frickin’ horseshit,” he said, before quickly adding, “God damnit, I mean bullshit!” in the hopes of not causing offense.
“I’ve heard enough,” Celestia finally said. “Guards!” At her command, several armored guardsponies flooded the room, ambushing him and forcing his arms back into bindings.
“Oh come on!” he shouted. “This is un-frickin’-believable!”
“Wait!” called a familiar voice. Everyone’s attention was directed at the small, yellow pegasus that stood in the doorway.
“Fluttershy?” said the surprised princess.
“Henchman?” said the Doctor, receiving a glare from the princesses. “I meant Fluttershy,” he said to them, grinning sheepishly.
“You can’t arrest him!”
“Fluttershy, please just let the guardsponies do their jobs,” Celestia commanded not-unkindly.
“But you’re arresting an innocent pony,” she stated.
“Uh, not a pony,” the doctor chimed in.
“Since he landed last night,” Fluttershy continued, ignoring him, “he’s done nothing to hurt us. Sure, he’s talked about doing evil things, but he hasn’t done anything.
“Even later,” she continued, “he stayed the night in my own home. He had many opportunities to do evil things, but he chose not to.”
“But he did try to eat your pet,” Twilight chimed in from the doorway.
“And he apologized,” she countered, “and even cleaned up his own mess. If anything, I’m the rude one for not thanking him when I had the chance.” Then, she flew towards the doctor and hugged him. “He may seem evil on the outside, but I think he’s actually just a big softie.”
The entire room was silent for the longest time. Eventually, it was the doctor who spoke. “Okay,” he said, shaking her off of him, “what the hell have you been smoking?”
“Just give him a chance,” she said, deflecting the question. “I’ll prove to you that he’s not only harmless, but actually a kind and gentle soul.”
The doctor had never had a more difficult time suppressing laughter than at that moment. Groaning into his fist, he bit his tongue as hard as he could until the urge to laugh was gone. Good luck with that one, buddy! Suddenly, something flared in the pit of his stomach, and the following groan was in pain. Ow, what the hell was that? he thought. That’s a rather uncomfortable feeling; perhaps indigestion?
Celestia sighed. “If it were anypony else, I would have said no,” she began. “But if anypony has a chance of taming this creature, I suppose it’s you, Fluttershy.”
The doctor looked up at Celestia. “Tame me? Uh hello, I’m not some frickin’ animal, you know.”
“You have a weeks time,” she said, ignoring him. “At the end of those seven days, I’ll decide for myself if he’s safe enough to leave in town with you. But if not, then he comes to Canterlot for interrogation. Is that understood?” Fluttershy nodded in affirmative. “Very well then. Guards, release him.”
The bindings were removed, and the doctor rubbed his wrists. “About frickin’ time,” he muttered.
“Thank you Princess,” she said gratefully. “You won’t regret this!”
“I hope not, Fluttershy,” Celestia replied with great forbearance.
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Now it is that moment when he realizes he isn't on drugs.
Great chapter like usual.
Took him long enought to figure it was all real. {There is only so much time a person can fool themselves before they realize the truth.}
And Fluttershy has a point, Doctor Evil is pretty much harmless by himself. All of his gadgets and whatnot were built by his henchmen and they do all the killing. {And he isn't all evil, even becoming good in the last film...Much to his son's chargrin.} If she can turn Disocord good {relatively} she can change him {relatively}.
4127787
Disocord?
I'm half expecting Austin to show up in a space travelling VW Bug with the US Secret agent Lauren Faust (deep under cover at Hasbro) as his companion and immediately hit on one of the Princesses. Or even a ponyfied Fat Bastard.
derpicdn.net/img/2013/3/28/281920/full.jpg
4128598
I think he has this set before the first movie.
Another Villain for the stare master!
This is absolutely brilliant.
Though...
The princesses are fuc- um... frickin' jackasses :P
4128132 It was late and I was tired.
Sorry if it sounds like complaining (mostly because I am) but Dr. Evil needs to cut back on using frick and frickin' so much. Did he really say it that much, and I just never noticed?
Why can't I find this frickin' movie? I feel this should be slightly funnier, and it's because I don't know what's going on.
4128598 If you paid attention to chapter one, you'd remember that he landed on Equestria in the Big Boy rocket from the first movie, so this story takes place after about 5-10 minutes into the first film. No Goldmember, no submarine; not even a Scotty Evil yet.
4130898 Oi, I thought so too. Though I'm actually quite pleased that in four chapters, that's the only complaint. I expected a torrent of comments about how I "butcher the brilliantly-designed character of Doctor Evil" or something else self-esteem-crushing. So I'll be sure to keep an eye out for the frequency of use, but I won't go too far with it; he does use the euphemism quite often, after all.
4132867
look up austin powers. It's a trilogy, with the lead actor being Mike Myers, who plays several characters. First movie, he played both Dr. Evil and Austin Powers, second movie he added Fat Bastard to that list, and third movie added Goldmember.
4133562 i remember the first one where he got off scottfree because he aspired to be evil but never did anything evil himself. i liked that version better.
4166776 Well do you arrest a man for threatening to kill hundreds of people? Or do you wait until he already HAS? This -to me- felt like a more logical plot direction, and allows me to actually follow a storyline itself, instead of just doing X amount of chapters until you get bored, then throw in a cookie-cutter ending.
4167163 I understand. im just saying i liked it more. i would also like a certain fatty to appear. also a special tiny friend with his bicycle stand. if this is possible
4167188 I swear to God/Allah/Nicholas Cage, EVERYONE keeps asking for Fat Bastard, above all others. I find this both alarming and hysterical.
But no promises.
YOU LIVE!
THE STORY HAS REBORN!
...
Took your sweet time didn't ya?
4167420 You can't rush perfection.
...The same goes for mediocrity.
Holy frickin' god there is a lot of frickin' frick in this story.
4173708 No frickin' kidding.