The Jack of All Trades

by Lord Zalgo

Feeling Pinkie Keen

“And finally... Apple family products.” Phoenix said to himself as he read the final item on his shopping list. He walked through the market as the eleven o’clock sun blazed above the town, silently noting what everypony was doing. He couldn’t help it sometimes. He just noticed things. Sometimes, things he didn’t want to. He continued to walk through the market and reached the Apple family stall with Applejack manning it. As he approached, Applejack saw him coming and her face lit up.

“Hey, Phoenix! Nice to see a friendly face!” Applejack said cheerfully.

“Why’s that? Slow day?” Phoenix asked kindly, appreciating the compliment.

“Yeah. Nopony’s buyin’ today. Ah guess everypony’s already stocked on apples. Or just don’t want ‘em.” Applejack answered.

“Well, almost everypony is stocked. I need to restock. And everypony wants Apple family apples, AJ.” Phoenix said with a smile.

“Why do ya think that?” Applejack asked curiously.

“Whether it’s the food or the service, everypony comes back for more.” Phoenix said with a wink, causing Applejack to blush.

“That silver tongue ain’t gonna work, Phoenix. Ya still gotta pay full price.” Applejack said with a playful smirk, despite her red cheeks.

“Curses, foiled again. Can I see your pie?” Phoenix replied with a laugh, before making his request. Applejack’s eyes shot as wide as they would go as the blush greatly intensified.

“Y-you wanna see mah WHAT?!” Applejack nearly screamed. Phoenix merely looked surprised.

“You usually sell pies. Have you sold out?” Phoenix asked, confused.

“No. Sorry. Mah bad. Here you go.” Applejack reached under the stall and pulled out an apple pie wrapped in cling film. Applejack seemed to calm down and in that moment was thankful that Phoenix wasn’t the best at understanding slang. She knew that he wouldn’t understand her misunderstanding. Phoenix’s eyes grew wider for a second, before he gave Applejack a half-lidded gaze and the biggest smirk he’d ever given.

“You thought I meant something naughty, didn’t you, Applejack?” Phoenix said in a low, teasing tone.

Apparently, he was getting better at it.

“U-uh... No?” Applejack said as she began to sweat and her eyes began to shift left to right. Phoenix’s expression didn’t change, but he leaned a little closer.

“No, Phoenix, Ah didn’t.” Applejack said a little more forcefully, her cheeks still red and her brow still covered in sweat. Phoenix leaned in a little more.

“No, Phoenix! Ah didn’t think that!” Applejack raised her voice as the blush intensified slightly. Phoenix didn’t lean any further but did remain motionless.

“JUST FUCK ALREADY!!” Lyra screamed loudly as she was watching the exchange between the two. Both Phoenix’s and Applejack’s faces changed to a deep shade of red as they both looked at Lyra in shock. Another pony then grabbed Lyra by the foreleg and pulled her away from the farm pony and the gambler.

“Sorry.” Bon-Bon said before making a drinking motion with her hoof and dragging her through the market. Silence fell between Phoenix and Applejack as they watched them go. They eventually returned their attention to each other, whilst avoiding eye contact.

“I-I’d like some Golden Delicious and an apple pie, please.” Phoenix requested quietly. Applejack silently nodded before getting a bag of yellow apples and placing them in front of her as Phoenix placed the bits necessary next the bag. With no words, they exchanged the food for the money. The silence was broken by a deep voice chuckling. They turned to see Big Macintosh heartedly chuckling at the two of them, having seen everything that happened. Phoenix eventually joined in with the laughter, closely followed by Applejack. After a while, the laughter subsided and the three of them returned to their senses.

“What’re you doin’ here, Big Mac?” Applejack asked.

“Ah came to do mah shift on the stall.” Mac replied simply.

“Is it half eleven already?” Applejack asked in a surprised tone.

“Eeyup.” Mac replied.

“Hey, Applejack. Since you’re done now, do you want to hang out?” Phoenix asked.

“Well, Ah guess Ah could. Sure.” Applejack replied. She emerged from behind the stall and the two set off through the market after Phoenix placed his purchased items into his bag. As they walked, they chatted about many things; which eventually led them back to Lyra’s comment. They chuckled nervously as they seemed to tip-hoof through the subject.

“It’s one reason why I don’t get drunk. It makes you say nonsensical things like that.” Phoenix said to try and cut through the awkwardness.

“Yeah, Ah agree. But, Ah still have no idea why she said it.” Applejack asked.

“I couldn’t hazard a guess.” Phoenix replied a little too quickly.

“Ah get the feelin’ you can.” Applejack replied levelly. Phoenix mentally cursed for slipping up so easily.

‘I’ve never done that before. Why now?’ Phoenix thought.

“Well... I’ve heard several rumours concerning me... and the girls.” Phoenix slowly said.

“What’re the rumours about?” She asked.

“They say some... vulgar things.” Phoenix admitted as his cheeks turned slightly pink. Applejack’s cheeks went more pink than Phoenix’s did, but it was still noticeable.

“Oh... Then, why did Lyra say it when we were together?” Applejack asked.

“Well, the majority of the rumours are... about the two of us.” Phoenix finished uneasily. Applejack blushed more as she looked like she was in thought. They walked until they saw Spike looking into a ditch. They looked themselves to see Twilight starting to emerge.

“Uh, Twilight? Why are you hangin’ out in a ditch?” Applejack asked.

“Because Pinkie Pie predicted it!” Spike answered for Twilight.

“Honestly, Spike, she did not. Two coincidences in a row like this may be unlikely, but it's still easier to believe than twitchy tails that predict the future.” Twilight said sceptically. The colour in Applejack’s and Phoenix’s faces drained instantly.

“Twitchy tail?!” Applejack asked fearfully.

“Pinkie Sense?!” Phoenix asked in the same tone. They both dived under a nearby stall as the wrapped their hooves around each other protectively.

“Don’t worry, it’s safe. The prediction already came true.” Spike said calmly. Phoenix and Applejack didn’t move for a moment as they noticed their position. They quickly untangled themselves and rushed from under the stall.

“Oh, wait. Don't tell me you two believe in this stuff, too?” Twilight asked in shock.

“I know it doesn't make much sense, but those of us who have been in Ponyville a while, have learned over time that, if Pinkie's-a-twichin', you better listen.” Applejack said, having recovered from her embarrassing predicament.

“Even you, Phoenix?” Twilight asked the normally level-headed stallion.

“Sorry, Twilight. There are just some things that you can’t explain.” Phoenix replied. Suddenly, Pinkie ran up to them as her ears were moving.

“My ears are flopping! My ears are flopping!” Pinkie exclaimed, causing Spike to recoil in fright.

“What does that mean?!” Spike asked fearfully. Pinkie merely turned to Twilight with a somewhat guilty expression.

“I’ll start a bath for you.” Pinkie said.

“Huh? A bath? This thing keeps on getting more ridiculous by the minute!” Twilight said with an amused tone before a cart raced by behind her, splashing her with a nearby puddle and covering her in mud. She then growled angrily.

“I’ll go clean her up.” Pinkie said to Applejack and Phoenix.

“You know, if I was the one running the bath, that’s one of the rumours.” Phoenix said to Applejack, causing her to chuckle. Pinkie then took Twilight and Spike to Sugarcube Corner, leaving Phoenix and Applejack alone. Applejack asked what they could do, but Phoenix informed her that he needed to see Rarity about the measurements for his suit. Applejack headed back Sweet Apple Acres as Phoenix headed to Carousel Boutique. When he arrived, he knocked the door and awaited a response. The door opened to reveal a small filly with white fur and dual-coloured mane and tail.

“Hello, Mr Fortesque!” Sweetie squeaked happily.

“We’re not in school, Sweetie. Just ‘Phoenix’ will do.” Phoenix chuckled.

“Okay! What are you doing here?” Sweetie asked curiously.

“I actually need to see Rarity about my measurements.” Phoenix said. Sweetie led him inside to hear a voice from upstairs.

“Who was it, Sweetie? Did you tell them that I’m not seeing anypony today?” Rarity asked sweetly, but with a sense of tired irritation.

“It’s Phoenix asking about his measurements.” Sweetie called up. Rapid hoofsteps met Sweetie’s and Phoenix’s ears as Rarity rushed into the room within a few seconds. Her irritation forgotten, she gave a large smile to Phoenix and led him to her workroom. Phoenix stood on a podium with mannequins placed on it and watched Rarity look for something. She then held a tape-measure in her magic and suddenly pulled it taught making a snapping, whipping sound.

Which made Phoenix very nervous.

“Sorry, darling. But, I don’t pull punches when I’m ‘in the zone’.” Rarity said with an innocent smile that Phoenix considered to be the evilest thing he’d ever seen.

An hour later, Rarity finished taking the measurements, much to Phoenix’s relief.

“That. Was. Awkward.” Phoenix said.

“What do you mean, darling?” Rarity asked a little too innocently.

“You, a gorgeous mare, in close proximity to my body for about an hour? Come to think of it, that resembles one of the rumours going around.” Phoenix said. Rarity giggled.

“Yes, I’ve heard one or two of them. I can’t fathom the logic in some of them.” Rarity said.

“I know. I mean, I’ve heard one about Pinkie Pie and I. I’m more like a father to her than a lover.” Phoenix said incredulously. Rarity agreed as she looked over the measurements.

“Well, your measurements aren’t too different than my predictions. You’re a little slimmer than I thought, though.” Rarity said.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Phoenix said with a half-hearted expression.

“The progress I’ve made with your suit can be easily edited to conform to the measurements, though.” Rarity said kindly.

“Thank you again, Rarity. If you don’t need any more from me, I’ll be going.” Phoenix said. They hugged and said their goodbyes before Phoenix left the boutique. He looked around for a moment, only to see Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Twilight and Spike running towards Froggy Bottom Bog. He could see that there was some kind of immediate problem from the looks on their faces. He ran after them and finally caught them after they began to slow down and walk. They informed him that Pinkie had sensed that a ‘doozy’ was going to occur at Froggy Bottom Bog which is where Fluttershy was. Phoenix volunteered to go ahead and check for any immediate danger, to which everypony agreed.

Phoenix ran to the bog and immediately saw Fluttershy as her attention was on the frogs that she was tending to.

“Fluttershy!” Phoenix called, turning her attention to him.

“Phoenix? What are you doing here?” Fluttershy asked.

“The others are on their way. We had reason to believe that you were in danger.” Phoenix said as he looked around trying to spot anything that could be considered a threat. When the others arrived, they immediately asked if Fluttershy was okay, or showing their happiness that she was okay.

All except Twilight.

“Sorry, I know it's not nice to gloat but... AHA! I told you there was nothing to worry about, and I was right. Pinkie Pie said whatever she was shuddering about was a-... doozy, and-... and the only-... doozy here is how right I am.” Twilight said, constantly being interrupted by her own coughs. Unbeknownst to her, there was a creature rising from the swamp behind her.

“Uh... Twilight?” Applejack tried to warn Twilight, fear in her voice.

“Pinkie's made a lot of predictions today but-... ugh, what is that smell? But what we've shown here is that there's no point in believing-... in anything you can't see for yourself.” Twilight continued her cough ridden monologue.

“W-well t-then, s-see what's b-b-behind you, Twilight!” Spike exclaimed fearfully. Twilight looked behind her as the hydra roared through all four heads.

“I see it... But I don't believe it!” Twilight said quietly in complete shock.

“Is that a hydra?!” Pinkie asked.

“Who cares?! RUN!!” Applejack replied. Everypony took her advice to heart as they all ran through the swamp while the hydra chased them. They began to approach a cliff with several pillars of stone acting as stepping stones to the other side. Everypony discussed what should be done, before Fluttershy did something nopony was expecting.

“A hop, skip, and a... jump!” Fluttershy said before jumping across the pillars and reaching the other side. Twilight then threw Spike onto the first pillar before Pinkie nearly fell off the cliff due to her shuddering. Twilight looked back and saw that the hydra was quickly heading their way.

“He's too close. I'll distract him. You two go, no-AAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!” The last word became a scream as Phoenix used his magic to fling Twilight onto the first pillar.

“I’ll do the distracting. Go!” Phoenix instructed before running in the direction of the hydra. He saw that all four of the heads were lowering with the intention of killing him. He continued to run until he ran under its legs and watched three of the heads follow him, causing the hydra to trip and fall on the remaining head. Phoenix changed direction and ran back towards the cliff. He saw the hydra’s shadow behind him, informing him that it had recovered. He continued to run as the girls were screaming his name and telling him to jump. Before he could, he heard Fluttershy and Twilight scream and Applejack watch in horror a moment before he turned to see one of the hydra’s heads zooming towards him with its mouth open as wide as it could go.

He tried to react, but he simply didn’t have the time to do so. The jaws were practically on him. The only thing he could do was jump backwards into the mouth to avoid the teeth.

The jaws snapped shut.

Everypony watched in horror when they saw the jaws shut and Phoenix was no longer visible. Tears began to stream down Fluttershy’s cheeks as Twilight and Pinkie had very watery eyes. Applejack replayed the moment in her mind a few times before simply falling to her haunches and watching in sorrowful silence.

‘I knew there would be a doozy, but... not this kind of doozy!!’ Pinkie thought as she began to sob. The silence was broken by the sound of loud coughing. One of the heads was coughing furiously while the other heads looked at it in confused silence. The girls recognised the coughing one as the one who ate Phoenix. The head leaned very far forward to try to line up its oesophagus and trachea as it continued to cough. Everypony looked at it with great confusion before it inhaled greatly and let out an earth-shattering cough.

However, something emerged from the hydra’s mouth and was shot towards the girls. The thing that was ejected from the hydra landed with a splat. Phoenix then stood up, wiped off as much of the fluid that was covering him as he could before turning to the girls. His mane and tail were in disarray, he expression was that of annoyance and his body was shaking from exhaustion.

“That. Was. Disgusting.” Phoenix said before he collapsed and literally fell straight to sleep. The last thing he remembered hearing before sleep overtook him was Pinkie with a mix of pride and surprise in her voice.

“Do you guys think he’s Batmane?”

Author's Note:

Comments

[Jeff the Killer]

Got to say awesome story, hope to see more

[Lord Zalgo]

4483619
Thank you for taking the time to comment. More will be uploaded as soon as I write it.

[Dodo Of Chaos]

O.e

[Lord Zalgo]

5691395
*Waves hand in front of eyes*
Hey, you still there?