The Jack of All Trades

by Lord Zalgo

A Dog and Pony Show

“Ah don’t think Ah’ve ever been so proud! Little Bloom. Gettin’ her Cutie Mark at last!” Applejack said, her voice filled with pride. Phoenix smiled as he watched the Crusaders play, still happy from achieving their marks.

“Indeed. It makes me wonder how long it would have taken them before they’d discover it if I hadn’t told them to do each of the group’s jobs as a group.” Phoenix replied as he and Applejack sat at the cafe.

“Ah don’t wanna think about it. Ah’m just happy for them and leavin’ it at that.” Applejack stated. Phoenix nodded in agreement as his memories of the previous night returned to him.

---

Phoenix sat with an aura of awkwardness emitting from him as three fillies had their hooves wrapped around him with no indication of removing themselves. They had joyous smiles on their faces as their eyes were firmly shut and their faces snuggling into Phoenix’s chest, shoulder and face.

“Aren’t you gonna stop them?” Rainbow Dash asked, holding back a laugh.

“I tried. They’re stronger than they look.” Phoenix said, unamused. The Crusaders eventually released him, gave incredibly large smiles before running to hug their respective sisters/idol. Phoenix took a moment to adjust himself before watching the Crusaders’ looks of joy as they bounced around in complete happiness. Phoenix smiled to himself in pride. Not for himself, but for them.

---

“Agreed. But, what do you think they’re going to do now?” Phoenix asked. Applejack simply smiled.

“That’s the beauty of it, Phoenix. Anythin’ they want.” Applejack replied. Soon enough, the rest of the girls arrived to join them. However, there was a strange absence of Rarity.

“Anyone seen our local fashionista?” Phoenix asked.

“She came by today to take Spike gem-hunting with her. Something about not having enough to fill a very important order.” Twilight answered. Phoenix nodded in understanding before everypony started to order. As everypony’s food and drinks arrived, conversation began to bloom.

“So, Rainbow, have you spoken to Hoops recently?” Phoenix asked as he quietly ate his hay fries.

“Yeah. Y’know, I was a little worried that he’d be kinda forward with his feelings, but he just treated me like a friend would. But...” Rainbow began excitedly, but ended sombrely.

“But what, sugarcube?” Applejack asked.

“...But, I could tell how much it was tearing him up inside. Why does he hang out with me if it’s just gonna hurt him?” Rainbow asked rhetorically.

“Because, it’s less painful than the alternative.” Phoenix replied.

“What do you mean?” Rainbow asked.

“Think about it. What’s worse? Seeing your crush everyday or never seeing them again?” Phoenix asked rhetorically. Rainbow was silent before nodding in understanding. Phoenix decided to try and lighten the mood again.

“So, other than that, how was he?” Phoenix asked. Rainbow seemed silently thankful for the question.

“He’s cool. I found out that he put on a fake voice when he was a bully to try to sound more annoying. His normal voice is a little smoother and a lot less annoying. He also got his mane cut so I could actually see his face.” Rainbow said amusedly. The group listened intently as Rainbow spoke and eventually the conversation continued to change topic and subject until they were ready to leave the cafe. They began to walk through town until they reached the small bridge near town hall. There, they saw Spike running towards them in a panic.

“Aaaah! Rarity-woods-jewels-dogs-hole-taken-Save her!” Spike exclaimed in a single, terrified breath. Phoenix and the girls looked at each other for a few moments as Spike hopped from one foot to the other, pointed frantically to the Valley of Gems and beginning to hyperventilate. Everypony eventually ran to the Valley of Gems with Spike still hyperventilating on Twilight’s back. After Spike explained the situation, everypony reached the valley, only to see that there wasn’t one hole like Spike said. There were dozens.

“Holy moly, that's a lotta holeys!” Pinkie stated in astonishment.

“Come on, everypony! Let's get started.” Twilight said before standing above one of the holes and calling into it. Only to have a stream of dirt shoot up, cover her face and plug the hole in the process. Everypony followed suit only to receive the same outcome. After all of the holes were filled, they decided to try and unblock them by digging. Phoenix began digging also, but he noticed that the Diamond Dogs were pulling on the girls’ tails to get them to stop. That didn’t happen to him, however. He felt large, strong paws grab his hooves. Seconds later, he was being pulled through the dirt, into the hole. A sudden pain erupted in his head as he felt a blunt strike against it. Before he fell unconscious, he saw that the hole had been left unblocked. He tried to call out, but unconsciousness took him before he could do so.

When Phoenix awoke, the pain in his head was beginning to subside. He looked around as his eyes began to readjust to the waking world, but he saw nothing but rock, torches and dirt. Until three Diamond Dogs entered the room.

“Ah, man-pony is awake.” The small dog said.

“You are right, Spot. Maybe this pony won’t be as noisy.” The large dog replied.

“Spot, Fido, silence! We must scare this pony.” The middle one said angrily.

“Yes, Rover.” Fido and Spot said shamefully. Rover moved over to Phoenix who tried to move away in disgust, but realised that he was chained to the spot.

“You are going to find gems for us.” Rover demanded. Phoenix simply spat in his face.

“You will do it! Or else.” Rover said angrily after he wiped his face clean... well, cleaner. Phoenix remained silent for a moment.

“Or else what?” Phoenix asked threateningly. Rover clearly wasn’t expecting that kind of response. Silence fell in the cell until a shrill voice cut through it like a knife from the other room. The dogs all flinched as they began to walk towards the noise. Rover then turned back to Phoenix.

“We’ll be back with something bad for you!” Rover threatened angrily. When they left, Phoenix immediately looked around for a way to escape. He found the end of the chains that constricted him were linked to a loop of metal via padlock. He activate his magic to try to pick the lock. And it worked. He stared in amazement as the chains fell limp around him, before looking towards nowhere in particular to give a deadpan look. He walked towards the door and saw that its lock was very similar to the previous one, causing Phoenix to pick it and open the door with ease.

Knowing that the dogs may have heard it open, he immediately hid in the shadows and used them to silently move towards the next room. He waited for the three dogs to leave the room and walk back towards the cell he was in, he quickly ran into the room. He saw numerous barred doors, each leading to a new room. The locks on these doors were rusty, but they were different from the ones he’d managed to pick. Phoenix was unable to tell which gate led where and how he would get through the doors.

‘Please, somepony...’ Phoenix heard a faint whisper. He looked around in frantic surprise. The whisper was somehow... different.

‘Somepony... Please, save me...’ The whisper was undeniably Rarity. He began to walk towards one of the doors, but the whisper began to get quieter. He turned to another and the whisper was the loudest it had ever been, despite it still being rather quiet. Suddenly, he heard the frantic pawsteps of three dogs running back from Phoenix’s cell. He quickly dived back into the shadows. The dogs ran into the room and unlocked the door that Phoenix was in front of last. He waited for a few minutes before they emerged again.

“Where could the man-pony be?” Spot asked.

“We check the room again. We’ll find something to lead us to him.” Rover said. Fido then stopped and sniffed the air.

“I smell a pony.” Fido said. Phoenix tried to remain calm as the other dogs sniffed as well.

“It’s probably the girl-pony.” Rover said dismissively. Spot and Fido agreed as they followed him. Rover then raised his keys to place on a little hook on his vest, only to miss and drop them. Phoenix used his magic to catch them, meaning Rover didn’t even notice that he dropped them. Phoenix waited a moment before walking to the door that Rover had locked the most recently and used the keys to open it. He slowly entered and looked around. He finally saw Rarity in the corner of the room with a large bruise on her cheek. He walked towards her and put his hoof to her shoulder. She flinched greatly and recoiled without looking at Phoenix, but her mind seemed to process that it wasn’t a paw that touched her. She looked back to see Phoenix’s smiling, dirt-covered face.

Tears streamed from Rarity’s eyes as a wide smile emerged on her face and wrapped her hooves tightly around Phoenix.

“Thank Faust, Phoenix! I’ve never been so happy to see anypony!” Rarity said as she squeezed him and deeply kissed his cheek.

“It’s alright, Rarity. We’re getting out of here.” Phoenix said as he began to walk around the room, Rarity following close behind. Phoenix unlocked one of the other doors in the room, looked inside before closing the door and locking it again. Until he looked into one and saw a faint bit of bright light at the end of the tunnel.

“That’s our best bet. Come on, we’ll go this way.” Phoenix said. Rarity nodded quickly in agreement as they walked through the tunnel. Rarity was shivering slightly as she pressed her side against Phoenix’s. Phoenix wrapped one of his hooves around her as they continued to walk. After they left the tunnel, they walked into a large cavern with mining tracks running through it. The tracks seemed sturdy, but they were built over a very large drop. Phoenix swallowed his anxiety as he saw numerous carts linked together at their end of one of the tracks. The carts were filled to the brim with many different gemstones with one empty one at the front.

“I’ll bet the dogs ride in the cart at the front with the cargo behind them to get around quicker.” Phoenix speculated.

“And that’s our way out?” Rarity asked.

“It’s a start at least. Let’s get in the front cart. We can give it a push with our magic.” The two entered the cart which was big enough to hold them both, but small enough to force them to sit in single file. It wasn’t a preferable position, but it was the only one they could do. Phoenix and Rarity used their magic to give the carts a push which gave them the momentum to travel along the tracks. In the distance, they saw another cart coming on the adjacent track with an armoured Diamond Dog in the front cart.

“Get down!” Phoenix whispered. Both of them immediately laid down to avoid being seen. The dog was moving at a fairly normal speed, but to Rarity and Phoenix it was one of the longest moment of their lives.

“Huh. Cart got loose. I get later.” The guard dog said dismissively. After he was a fair distance away, both Phoenix and Rarity released a breath they didn’t know they were holding. Rarity then looked down and realised that she was lying on top of Phoenix. Her cheeks became bright red as she got off of him quickly. Phoenix realised too, but Rarity’s reaction amused him just enough to not think about the awkwardness. The cart came to a sudden stop. Rarity and Phoenix looked around to see the entrance to the Diamond Dog’s lair and the Valley of Gems outside. Phoenix lifted the carts and pushed them quickly outside. In the distance, they saw Spike holding a fishing rod with the girls surrounding him.

“Yoo-hoo!” Rarity yelled happily. Spike and the girls looked in their direction and beamed at the sight of them. Surprisingly, Fluttershy was the fastest and wrapped her hooves around both Phoenix and Rarity. Fluttershy then noticed the bruise on Rarity’s cheek and was immediately worried, as was everypony else. She began to explain as everypony else began to pull a cart full of gems each.

“Well, after the dogs left the room the first time, I screamed and whined to get them back into my room to continue trying to manipulate them, but they left soon after I tried again. After a while, they rushed back into the room and asked where the ‘man-pony’ was. When I said that I didn’t know, the leader hit me in the face.” Rarity explained. Phoenix immediately looked guilty.

“Ah... right. Sorry, Rarity, they saw that I’d escaped and came back to your cell.” Phoenix said with shame. Rarity looked up in mock thought.

“Well, you did get us both out of there, so I think I can forgive you.” Rarity said in a faux half-hearted manner with a smile. Phoenix smiled back.

“So, where did all these carts come from?” Rainbow asked.

“Well, we escaped in them, darling. Rather awkwardly but, we managed it. These carts were simply on the back.” Rarity explained.

“But, without the gems you could have escaped quicker, without all the weight.” Twilight countered.

“True, but we would’ve stood out. The only reason we made it past a guard dog was because he thought the carts had simply come loose. If he saw just the empty one, he’d be more suspicious.” Phoenix said.

“Oh, yeah. I can’t wait to write to Princess Celestia about what you two taught me today.” Twilight said happily.

“Us?” Phoenix asked curiously.

“What did we teach you?” Rarity asked, also confused.

“Just because some ponies can’t compete with others on a physical level, it doesn’t make them weak. Sometime, it’s those ponies, that can use their wits to outshine them all.” Twilight replied.

“Mm... 'Outshine' is right. Now you have enough gems to cover Sapphire Shores' costumes.” Spike said, with a half eaten ruby in his claw and the other half in his mouth.

“Not if you eat them all, Spike.” Rarity said as she pulled the ruby from Spike’s grip. Everypony laughed all the way back to Ponyville. The girls left the carts by the boutique at Rarity’s request, but Phoenix volunteered to help her take them inside. After the last one was placed by her stage, Phoenix looked to Rarity.

“Are you sure you have enough gems for your order with Sapphire Shores?” Phoenix asked.

“Indeed, darling. Thank you for everything. Now I’ll have to make you’re suit even better to repay you.” Rarity said with a humoured smile.

“Rarity, you know you don’t have to do that.” Phoenix chuckled.

“Alright, if you insist, darling. Thank you again.” Rarity said.

“You’re welcome, Rarity. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Phoenix said with a smile as he left the boutique. Rarity watched him leave as she half lidded her eyes and sighed dreamily. Her eyes then shot open wide.

“Oh, dear.” Rarity said quietly.