The Unicorn
It was afternoon in the small town of Fillydelphia, and a young Pegasus named Crimson Pallet was arriving home from work. He had maroon colored fur and his mane was a dirty blonde color with highlights in the front.
After unlocking his door he was greeted by another Pegasus that had grey fur and pitch black hair. Her hair covered the right side of her face. Her name was Onyx Artist being Crimson's girlfriend.
"Hey Crimson."
"Hey love," Crimson said as he gave her a hug.
"So anything interesting happen while you were out?"
"Not really. Just the usual stuff. I did run into Aquamarine today. He wants all of us to meet a friend he recently made. Apparently he's new to Fillydelphia."
"Sounds like fun!" Onyx replied in excitement, "When are we gonna go meet him?"
"Sometime this afternoon. He hasn't told me the details quite yet."
"Ah, I see. So what are we gonna do until then?"
Crimson took a moment then making a look on his face as if he was oblivious.
"Well why don't we spend a little time together? I haven't seen you all day!"
"Oh okay!" Onyx said. They then proceeded to sit on the couch and watch some T.V. Crimson grabbed the remote as they began to engulf themselves in their own entertainment.
***
It was around 6:00, two hours after Crimson and Onyx had been watching a movie on the T.V. It was called Super 8 It was mainly about some weird happenings with ponies disappearing and the electricity going haywire. It turns out an alien had habituated the small town of Seaddle. After a few minutes of watching the credits, to see who played who and what not, Crimson got a phone call. It was Aquamarine:
"Hey, Crimson! What's up bro?" He said very cheerily.
"Nothing much. just got done watching Super 8 With Onyx."
"Cooleo! Anyways, sorry to inform you on such short notice, but my new friend says he would like to meet all of you guys in about an hour. Sound good to you?"
"Sure, we've got time. Where are we gonna meet?"
"Down at Crystal's Coffee shop. Sound good?"
"Yeah, we'll be there soon."
"Great!! See you later!" Aquamarine said with excitement. After that he hung up.
"What did he say?" Onyx asked.
"Well he said he want us to meet his friend in an hour."
"Oh okay. So what do you want to do until then?" Onyx asked.
"You said you wanted to see if you could get some tickets to DJ-PON3 right?"
"Oh yeah! We can do that," Onyx said out of excitement.
So as they left their apartment and locked the door, the went on out to kill some time before they meet up with their group of friends. As they walked down the streets, they found a long line waiting to get tickets for the DJ-PON3 concert.
"Are you really willing to wait in line to get these tickets for me, Crimson?" Onyx asked unsure if all the waiting will be worth it.
"Well,"- Crimson paused as he pulled out his pocket watch. It was 6:15, -" We have forty-five minutes to spare. I'm sure we'll have enough time."
"Okay. Thanks for doing this for me," Onyx said out of satisfaction.
"No problem."
Fifteen minutes had passed and they were nowhere near the front of the line. As they were about to consider leaving, they heard a voice come down the line saying:
"TWO TICKETS FOR 10,000 BITS RIGHT HERE!!"
They both peeked out from the line to see a colt with a fiery looking mane come down the line. He was waving two tickets in the air.
"Excuse me," Crimson said as they were practically now face to face, "You mind if we buy those from you?"
"Yeah. You got 10,000 bits on ya?"
Crimson reached in his back pocket to grab his wallet. he then pulled it out to search for all of the bits he could find. Luckily he always carried as much spare change as he could.
"Here you go! 10,000 bits."
"Thanks man. Here's your tickets. I owe ya one," said the red colt.
"No problem," Crimson said confused by what he meant by, I owe ya one.
They both looked at the tickets and saw that they were very good seats. Satisfied, they headed out to Crystal's Coffee Shop.
***
It was 6:50 when they arrived. They saw two Unicorns, a Pegasus and an Earth Pony. The two Unicorns both had black manes, one was a colt and the other was a mare. the colt's mane was in a ponytail, while the mare had sort of a grundge look, but her eyes. were visible The colts name was Black Jack and the mares name was Red Sapphire.
The Pegasus was a ginger. She had twin pigtails that were braided all the way down to her hips. Her name was Ginger Ale.
The final pony that was already there had a Peppermint striped mane. Her name was Cinnamon Stripes.
"How's it going, Crimson." Black Jack said teasing him, "Late as usual I see."
"Har har har. Very funny. The reason I was late is because I got third row tickets to see DJ-PON3 live with Onyx," Crimson said with a smirk.
"Really!? You're so lucky!" Cinnamon said jumping out of her seat.
"I guess you could say that."
"HEY!" Said a slightly obnoxious voice calling for them.
Everypony turned to see a blonde maned Unicorn with a ponytail over his right shoulder. Next to him was another Unicorn with a dark blue mane.
"Hey Aquamarine!" Onyx shouted back.
Both Aquamarine and his friend rushed over to the Coffee shop.
"Hey everypony! Ready to meet my new friend?" Aquamarine said with his arms open wide.
"Of course!" Ginger Ale replied.
"Mares and Gentlecolts, let me introduce you to, Chrome Crescent!" He said as he aimed his arms presented his new friend.
"Pleased to meet you all," he said as he waved them.
"Like wise. So Aquamarine said you were new here, where are you from originally?" Crimson asked.
"Not anywhere really. I just sort of travel around."
"Do you know where you are staying?" Sapphire then asked.
"An apartment a few blocks from here. It's really nice for the price that they have," Chrome replied.
Onyx then noticed and was surprised to see a scar on each hand.
"How did you get those scars?" Onyx proceeded to ask him.
"Oh, these?" Chrome asked as he raised his hands, with his palms open, "I got them in a childhood accident."
"Oh! How'd that happen?"
"Lets just say my childhood had plenty of good and bad things," He said curtly.
"Oh okay. I guess we don't have to go into detail," Onyx replied
"Well, I have to go and help Chrome Crescent unpack his things," Aquamarine said cutting off the slightly awkward conversation.
"Okay! Mind if we help?" Crimson asked for him and Onyx.
"Sure, Thanks. I could use the extra help," Chrome said agreeing to their offer.
"You guys have fun. I have a game of Texas Hold 'em to get to tonight," Black Jack said.
"And the rest of us have work. We'd love to help, but we can't," Cinnamon Stripes said.
"Well okay. C'mon guys! Let's get going!" Aquamarine said cheerily.
"Alright!" Crimson said.
As the group of friends parted from each other, Crimson, Onyx and Aquamarine followed Chrome to help him unpack his things and get settled in.
***
"So how many boxes are left?" Crimson asked.
"I believe there is only one left. Care to go and grab it? It may be kind of heavy though," Chrome replied.
"Okay, thanks."
Crimson proceeded to go downstairs and grab the box outside. As he made his way back upstairs, he hit his left hoof on the edge of the stair and fell forward. The box fell down the stairs, toppling end over end. Crimson gritted his teeth and winced as it finally hit the bottom. Moments later he heard hoofsteps rushing towards him. Chrome appears at the top of the stairs, then looked at the bottom towards the box.
"What did you do!?" Chrome panicked.
As Chrome rushed past, Crimson noticed his eyes were very cloudy and blank. He then came to realize that Chrome was blind.
" But how did he know where the box was?" Crimson questioned to himself.
Chrome suddenly looked at Crimson and said in a serious voice, "I told you that box was heavy."
He then begins to inspect the box thoroughly and pats his hands on all sides of the box.
"You should've been more careful," He said in slightly more aggressive tone.
"Sorry about that. It sounded kind of fragile. What's in it?"
Chrome paused for a brief moment and then answered, "Just some mementos from my mother."
"Oh. I'm really sorry about that."
Chrome then gets up picking up the box and says, "It's fine. Nothings broken from what I can tell. I can carry it up from here."
"Hey," Crimson begins to say softly, "Are you blind?"
Chrome pauses again. Then hey replies, "Yeah. Why do you ask?"
"How come you could see where the box was at the bottom of the stairs?"
"Unicorn magic dude."
"Oh, right....."
As they made their way up the stairs, they enter Chrome's room. He sets down the final box and asks, "Anypony want a drink?"
"Onyx and I would love too, but it's getting a little late," Crimson said looking at his watch. It was 7:45.
"Okay. Thanks for helping me unpack. I really appreciate," Chrome said with glee.
"No problem! The pleasure's ours!" Onyx said happily.
They made their goodbyes and walked home.
***
Crimson woke up with a start, realizing he was late for his morning shift at work. Hey got dressed, ate breakfast and gave Onyx a goodbye kiss as he rushed out the door. As he was making his way down the street, he ran into Chrome Crescent.
"Hey Chrome. Have a good nights rest?"
"Yeah. It turns out that the box you dropped didn't break anything inside of it. So it's all good," Chrome smiled.
"Pheew," Crimson wiped his forehead, "That's a relief."
Changing the subject, Chrome asks, "So you work at Little Cheezers?"
"Yup! Sometimes it sucks, but I get paid good money."
"Okay. Well, if you want to stop by and see me, I'll be at the library. I'll be there all day doing some research."
"Okay!" Crimson said with excitement, "What are you studying on?"
"Magic," Chrome answered quickly.
"Okay... Well, I'll see about stopping by after work."
"Alright. Sounds good."
After their short conversation, they parted their ways for the day.
Later that evening, after Crimson got off of work, he decided to stop by the library to see what kind of magic Chrome was reading about. As he walked in he was greeted by the librarian. She offered a free three day trial for using a library card, but he politely declined. He searched around the library to see if he could find anything interesting. All he found was a section of manga he had already read a thousand times over. He went upstairs to see if he could find Chrome deep into his studies. He found him as Chrome was looking up to wave at him. Crimson walked over to see what exactly he was reading.
"So what kind of magic are you reading on?" Crimson asked curiously.
"Black magic," He replied.
"Isn't black magic forbidden or something?"
"I know it's forbidden, but l like to see what kind of magic was used back a thousand years ago."
"Ah, I see," Crimson understood.
He then notices a cover of one of the books that was titled 'Equestria's Darkest Corners: A Book About Mythological Creatures'. He walks over and picks it up.
"Are you reading this?" Crimson asked
"No. You can take it," He replies completely enveloped into his research.
"Thanks. Sorry for the short visit, but I have to get going."
"You're fine. I can't really talk while I'm reading. I'm not the multitasking kind of pony."
Before Crimson gets out of sight, Chrome stops him and says, "Wait."
Crimson then turns back around and says, "Yeah. What is it?"
"Do you believe the dead can be brought back to life?"
There was an eerie silence that filled the air.
Crimson hesitated to speak, but said, "What do you mean by-"
"Just answer the question," Chrome cutting him off in a calm tone.
"Uh..."- Crimson begins to rub the back of his head and continues, "Well in my opinion, I think it's wrong. I mean, bringing the dead back to life sounds kind of li-,"
"No," Chrome interrupted Crimson again, "That's not what I meant. Let me reiterate. Do you think bringing the dead back to life is possible?"
There was a silent pause again. Crimson then answered, "Well, I don't really know much about magic and all, but I think if a Unicorn had enough magic power and studying, I think it might be achieved. Why do you ask?"
"Just curious. The book that I'm reading is saying all sorts of preposterous stuff about it. Well, in my opinion at least."
"Oh okay. Is there anything else you wanted to ask me?"
"No. You can make your way home."
"Okay. It was nice talking to you."
"Likewise," Chrome said being once again intrigued by his book.
After that Crimson made his way out of the library and headed home. Along the way, he pondered to himself about Chrome Crescent.
'Something about him is... off. I don't know what, but he's definitely hiding something.'
With that, he made his way home around 7:00 and decided to go to bed early, and fell asleep instantly.
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But all her friends call her "being" for short.
People? Not ponies?
You do know that the human city of Seattle is quite large, right? So why would the pony city of Seaddle be any different?
Unlikely, since the only pony currency we've seen has taken the form of coins.
In what world would that count as "spare change"? If Fluttershy's shopping trip is anything to go by, a few dozen bits would completely fill up a pantry and feed a single pony for weeks. And even 10,000 yen would be around 100 dollars, so again, hardly "spare change".
And to hell with all your readers who don't know all the same pop culture references you do.
Seriously?
I'm out.
3887792 Clearly I have work to do and a gain I am a beginner writer. and also the currency in my interpretation is really cheap compared to american currency. But anyways I will watch out for how exactly I write my stories and such. But I hope you get to like it better.
3887428 I don't know what to think about this.....
3887973 no....
Come on guys give him a break. He said he was new at this. He was asking for some constructive criticism, and these comments aren't very constructive. I see a few of the points you were making Elric, but you could have at least helped him by giving him possible fixes for those areas.
3888311 Thanks. I really appreciate the support.
3888311
They're a writer. They need to sink or swim. They've been shown the problems, now it's up to them to figure out how to correct these grievances.
3887792 Also if you have the slightest decency of giving me a few positives or pointers for my story that would be nice. Unless you're that one critic who is an arrogant, stuck up, douche bag.
3891080
You want a pointer? Join one or more of these groups and ask for help:
Looking For Editors
School For New Writers
W.R.I.T.E.
Author Support
Struggling Authors
3891444
Okay. Thank you.
wow, this section of comments is kinda tense, sompony obviously bjust wants to write a story the way he sees fit, and we should only criticise things like ghramar, not the way the story is written, i believe this story will one day be quite good
3891893
Yes. Let's not talk about technique in writing or the mechanics of story structure or anything like that. Let's throw all that out the window and give everyone a giant gold star for trying. Let's never criticize a story for how it's told ever again, that way we wont improve or strive to do better. That sounds pleasant.
3891911 im not saying that, all im saying is that he's new, so we should have some faith, and offer constructive criticism, why level a building if you just need to remodel it? ive read worse stories so give him some credit
3891942
If that building has bad structure then it's going to fall over on it's own. Being new is no excuse. Before I posted, I lurked for a little bit to see what was popular, what people hated to see, read some comments and discovered a few things. My first story I published on the site did fairly well despite me considering it a disaster.
As Elric has already pointed out, there are several points in this story that are simply bad or words and references that are very poorly chosen. This story isn't all that good from what I've read, and multi-chapter outings for someone who is new is the worst idea in history. Plus, it has OCs. Another misstep. I have seen this time and time again here where you have new writers bringing in their OC in a multi-chapter epic they think up on the fly. They never end well. So no, I wont have any faith in this. Not until they become a little bit better established, find their voice in the words they write, get an editor or two and rework their idea. Then, perhaps, I'll have some faith because then they'll be ready.
3892037
Thank you for being honest with me. I will try to develop my stories and write them more carefully.
3892125
It's all I can be. You're the one to make the improvement here, not everyone else. I may have some barbs, but I only wish to see you improve as an artist. Until then you've been set down the right path and I hope to see better and better things come from you.
Good luck with your future stories.
3892137
Thank you.
3887792
That was by far the best hate comment I have ever seen. I salute you sir.
3917902
Thank you!
But you should see me when I'm really cranked up...
3918722
Since your hate comments are amazing. Go check out "Cupcakes 2: the awakening" It is possible... No... THE WORST, story I have ever read. Please go read my comments and then rant on his story, seeing as how I'm not very good at it.
3918732
Yay. I'm glad my story isn't the worst possible thing ever from what you guys have told me.
3925764
Just remember, there is always something worse, except if your story is called Cupcakes 2: the awakening. Then there is really nothing worse than that.
3925813
Oh okay. I'm glad you're supporting me, if that is what you are doing.
3929818
Yeah, trust me I am. I will never hate on anything unless it deserves it. At least you attempted to write. Sometimes when peoples stories get hate they quit. I will tell your right now, if you keep writing you will get better.
3930180
Now be honest with me, what do you think of my story so far?
Well, I do plan to keep writing. And thank you for the support!
3930793
It isn't as bad as most people thing, it just needs a little bit better lore. Meaning stuff Elric pointed out. Other than a few grammatical errors here and there. It seems fine for a first story.
I got to say I'm interested in this story already.
