The Story of Jack

by Jack_The_Lonely_Pony

Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Jack did not know what to expect for his first breakfast after leaving the orphanage. He had only been fed the bare minimum of what was needed to survive. The only tastes that Jack could remember were rotting vegetables and spoiled fruits with sour milk to drink on the side. He looked to the fridge as Jace opened the door very slowly.

Jack was afraid. He had no idea of what was in the tall refridgerator, but he knew that it had to be better than what he had eaten the night before.

Jace looked at the colt with a small shine in his eyes.
"Jack, I know that you're still getting used to living here, but you don't have to be afraid. I'm not some psychotic wacko that's going to hurt people just because he feels like it. All I need you to understand is that: no matter what troubles you get into, I'll be here for you. I'll be the shoulder for you to cry on if you need it... well, not 'if,' WHEN you need it."

Jack looked up to his adopted father with a small sign of comfort in his posture. So, Jace stepped over to the fridge once more and retrieved three items out of it. Two of the three items were a gallon of milk and a fresh banana, but Jack didn't know what the third item was.

"Hey, what's that thing?" said Jack as he motioned to the third item.
"Oh, this? This is just a 'Carnation Instant Breakfast'."

Jace then closed the refridgerator and walked over to a large cupboard. Upon opening this, he claimed a bowl and a box of cereal.

"Here, Jack, you're going to like these. They're called Cheerio's"
So, Jace mixed the milk, banana, and cereal in the bowl and then placed it before Jack. After this, he walked over to the sink a grabbed a small washcloth. Jace then opened his Carnation Instant Breakfast and drank the entire thing very quickly.

Jack looked over the bowl. He was at first hesitant of this new food, but then he took his first bite. This new food tasted heavenly to him! Jack knew that this was a very delicious thing to eat, especially with the pieces of banana that were floating in the milk. Jack's eyes lit up with an uncanny sparkle as he devoured every last bite.

The delicious taste of the cereal caused Jack to even lose sense of where he was for a moment.

Comments

[PonyofTacos]

Not too much of a tear jerker but it was pretty good. I do have to say that the ending was... a bit cut off. It didn't seem finished, like something wass missing.

[CheeseDeluxe]

omggg dis was so sad :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( i cryd at teh endign u rite so well
pls contenue dis fic

[uberPhoenix]

In response to the removed posts:

Come on, people. If you're going to criticize, make it constructive criticism. For example:

-I think that one of the biggest issues of the story is that it lacks direction. Three chapters in and we don't know where the story is going, since the latter two chapters don't advance the plot at all. The lack of a summary only serves to make things more uncertain. What kind of story are you aiming for here? Heartwarming? Heartbreaking?

-There isn't much emotional investment. Jack's character hasn't been developed much beyond shy and curious, and right now we don't really have much of a reason to root for him.

-The name. Jack isn't really a pony name. Or Brian or Jeffery or Tom.

-The relationship between the human world and Equestria isn't very well explored yet. I can't be the only one who's curious how the humans got here, and how tense the relationship between the two worlds might be.

Keep trying. Just know that it generally helps when you're writing to take a step back and look at the story's big picture, how everything fits together. Try to think of what questions the reader might have, and see if there are any missing pieces to the puzzle.