Chapter 1
For Whom The Belle Tolls
Chapter 1
“Has anypony else been wonderin’ about those two lately?” Applejack mumbled quietly to Pinkie, Twilight and Fluttershy, as they passed the window of an expensive coffee shop, looking in to a sight that hardly surprised them. The four friends had decided to make a trip to the market to catch up after a rather busy week, and were chatting away in excited tones. The autumn air was crisp and cool, and the streets were unusually busy with ponies trying to get some early holiday shopping done. The orange pony was grateful for a break from her relentless work on the farm. Apple buck season was in and the whole family had been quite busy with the harvest. But when she reached this café, she came to a stop at a very familiar scene, looking in through a window adorned with festive décor, to see Rainbow Dash and Rarity sitting close together in a booth, laughing and talking over a light lunch, neither of them saw the ponies looking in on them.
“Applejack,” Twilight Sparkle chided. “Usually Rarity is the one meddling in personal affairs.” Her tone was jovial, but the orange pony shot her a look anyway.
“Ah know, but I’m not the only pony who’s been noticin’ how much time they’ve been spending together, right?”
For the past few months Rarity and Rainbow had been spending an increasing amount of time together, to the point of occasionally brushing off their friends to spend time by themselves. Applejack hadn’t though much of it at first, but it was becoming a reoccurring issue that definitely caught her attention.
“Do you think they might be seeing each other?” Fluttershy piped up in a surprised tone.
Pinkie let out a loud gasp.
“Oh my gosh, they totally are!” Pinkie shouted. The other three ponies shushed her and ducked away, worried Rainbow and Rarity had heard her outburst.
“Pinkie, please! So what if they are?” Twilight asked once they started walking again. “What would it matter?”
“Well they’re our friends, you’d figure they’d tell us if they were in a relationship.” Applejack said.
“It’s their business, and we aren’t even sure if they are dating.” The purple unicorn lectured her friend. “And if it turns out they are, we should be supportive.”
“Oh I support it!” Pinkie shouted again causing them all to cringe a bit. “It would be so great if they were, they’d make such a cute couple!”
“Well, nothing is for sure right now, so I say we just let the matter drop. If it turns out they are seeing each other, I’m sure they’ll tell us eventually.”
They continued to the market place, and true to their word, the topic of Rainbow and Rarity’s relationship wasn’t brought up again for a while. Though Applejack never stopped noticing each time the two got a bit too close.
A few weeks later, Applejack was resting at home with her family. The holiday season was upon them, and with the harvest done, most of the year’s work was behind them, much to the relief of the orange mare and her brother. Apple Bloom was putting on her blue boots and hat, about to go outside to meet with the other crusaders. Applejack stood in the kitchen, rinsing off the dishes that had been made after their lunch. Beyond the window, she could see large snowflakes falling gently to the ground. She hummed a little tune in contentedness, listening to the sound of Granny’s snoring as she took her afternoon nap. She watched her little sister run past down to the entry way.
“Bye Applejack!” She called behind her, her voice muffled a little by the scarf she wrapped around her face.
“See you later!” The farm pony replied. “And be careful!”
She returned to the dishes, listening as the door opened. She jumped suddenly as she heard a small grunt followed by something falling into the snow. Applejack put down her cloth and spun around with a sigh.
“What did Ah just tell you Apple Bloom?” She called rhetorically on her way to the door.
She arrived at the door to see her sister fallen in the snow, next to an unexpected visitor.
“Hello Apple Bloom.” Rarity said, giggling, surprisingly happy for a pony who’d just been tackled into the powdery snow.
“Apple Bloom!” Applejack scolded, helping both the ponies up to their hooves. “You say sorry right now.”
“Oh, Ah’m so sorry Rarity.” The little filly apologized, her face red. “Ah didn’t see you.”
“It’s quite alright, just try to be more careful.” Rarity said with a smile
She nodded and ran off. Rarity watched the little pony run a small way before turning back to her friend.
“Sorry ‘bout that Rarity,” Applejack greeted the alabaster unicorn with an apologetic smile. “What’s up?”
“Oh not much,” she said, brushing away at the bits of snow that clung to her coat. “I was just wondering if you would be free to come over the boutique this evening for a little get together before the holidays.”
“Um, sure,” The orange mare said, happy for the invitation, but a little confused. “But Ah thought Pinkie always hosted the holiday parties. And they were always on the holidays.”
Rarity made a face, like she was choosing her words very carefully.
“Well, yes but, I’m afraid I will not be able to attend this year, so I thought I would invite everypony over to my house so that we could still spend some time together.” She gave a sheepish smile.
“Well, in that case, Ah’d love to! When should Ah come over?”
“Whenever works for you. You’re the last pony I had to invite, so we could even walk there now if you’d like.” She offered. Applejack felt a slight twinge of annoyance being the last pony to get invited, but she knew she lived pretty far away compared to the rest of their friends. Besides, walking with Rarity didn’t sound too bad, it had been a long time since they had a chance to catch up. The farm pony agreed with a smile and called to the sleeping Granny Smith that she was heading out for a while.
The two mares made their way down the snowy trail, their hooves crunching in the freshly fallen snow. Rarity was wearing earmuffs, a scarf and her favorite pair of boots. Meanwhile, Applejack wore only her boots and hat. Working outside so much gave her more tolerance towards the cold weather. Though she supposed it was probably best her unicorn friend wear something, her gleaming coat being so close to the colour of the snow, she could sometimes be difficult to see.
“So, how’ve ya been?” Applejack asked as they walked the trail to town. “I haven’t seen you for a while.”
“Oh I know,” Rarity said. “And I do apologize for that. But it has been unbelievably busy at the boutique lately, and I’ve just been losing track of time. But I am doing quite well, thank you for asking.”
“Don’t apologize Rarity, you ain’t the only pony who’s been too busy to hang out. We put off the harvest a bit too long this year, and getting’ all the apples down before the cold really hit was a real challenge. But we got it done, and now we can wind down for the season.”
“That’s good to hear.” The alabaster mare smiled. “I love this time of year, everything feels so cozy. Well, unless you’re outside of course. But all the snow is very beautiful, and the holidays are such a delight.”
“Hey speakin’ of which, why can’t you spend time with us on Hearth’s Warming?” The other mare asked.
“Oh just spending it with family this year. I’m sure we can still see each other, I just won’t be attending the festivities with you.”
Applejack nodded. Of course she understood; nopony understood family more than her. So they continued with their walk, catching up on the things they missed. The farm pony enjoyed the walk. Despite how much they liked to bicker, she really enjoyed Rarity’s company, and was glad she was asked to take the trip back with her.
But as they trekked the snowed-over trail, the more Applejack listened, the more she noticed one name in particular come up. Rainbow Dash. Rarity talked about going to the café with the blue mare, taking shopping trips with her, watching her practice her moves. Applejack knew it would be prying, but she felt almost… betrayed. Not due to any personal affections, but because if two of her best friends were dating, she felt like that would be something happy, news they would want to share with their friends, not kept a secret. But it was their business, it wasn’t her place to go accusing her, or demanding an answer.
“You sure have been spending a lot of time with Dash lately.” She cursed herself. Where the hell did that come from? She felt her face grow hot, and she scolded herself in her mind, the way she did to Apple Bloom when she misbehaved. Her anger towards herself only increased under the white unicorns stare. She wasn’t naïve, especially when it came to the art of conversation, and the look in her eyes suggested she knew exactly where Applejack was going with this.
“Yes I have, but what exactly are you implying?” Rarity said, stopping to look at her. Applejack felt a bit of her embarrassment turn to anger. She was going to make her say it?
“Ah’m not implyin’ anything, just making an observation.” She said, a little too defensively.
“Oh my word, Applejack you know how bad of a liar you are so don’t even try. You think Rainbow and I are dating don’t you.”
Applejack maintained a sullen silence.
“Oh I don’t believe this! First of all, if I were in a relationship with her, why would it be any of your business?”
“Ah’m sorry.” The farm pony said, sounding less apologetic and more spiteful. They were having such a good walk, why did she have to go and spoil it?
“No, I’m not going to let this drop so easily. I start spending more time with one of my friends and suddenly I’m in love with her.
Where on earth would you draw that conclusion?”
“Well I just wanted to know if two of my best friends were seein’ each other. Why does it need to be a secret?”
“Why does what have to be a secret?! Rainbow isn’t my fillyfriend, she never was!”
“Well would you mind an explanation then?”
“For what? What needs explaining? What is so suspicious about spending time with a friend? You and I have been walking alone for fifteen minutes, are we dating now? Should I have brought flowers for you, should-” She stopped suddenly and her eyes narrowed.
“Why you Applejack?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Why were you the one to bring this up? The rest of our friends haven’t mentioned this, if they’ve even noticed it at all, so why were you the one to speak up?”
“So you admit you have been spending a lot of time with her.” Applejack said triumphantly.
“I’ll answer that question if you answer mine.” Rarity said, not sounding at all embarrassed about her friends discovery.
“There’s no reason, it’s just that she’s all you talk about and-”
“Applejack are you jealous?” The unicorn asked. Her words were no longer condescending or accusing. Her tone was level and genuinely curious.
“No.” The farm pony retorted, wincing. She paused too long, the unicorn hit much too close to the mark. But so what if she thought Rarity was attractive, that wasn’t what this was about.
“This isn’t like you. All I wanted was to spend an evening with you and the girls.” Rarity said, sounding hurt.
“Well, why did you have to get so worked up about this? You could have let it drop!” She was just lashing out now. She knew that she was the bad pony here, she was in the wrong. Her friend had pressured her, she’d gotten angry. Sadly, the posh mare had
gotten angry too.
“Because you invaded my personal business when it was none of your concern. I know we are friends, but that doesn’t mean I have to share everything with you. And it especially doesn’t mean you can just make unfounded assumptions about my love life. How would you even know if I was into mares?”
“You know what,” Applejack had snapped. “I think I might be a bit too busy to come to your party. I’ll see you later Rarity.”
Her friend let a shocked expression slip through for a fraction of a second, but it hardened back into anger.
“Fine. Have a happy holiday Applejack.” Her words full of venom. The pale pony spun with a huff, and continued back to her boutique. Embarrassed and ashamed of herself, Applejack sauntered slowly back to the barn, regretting every word of what she said. But she couldn’t apologise, not today at least. It would be best to let the wounds heal and let the tension die, that was always how they did it. She knew in a few weeks, they’d be talking and laughing as though nothing happened. But in a few weeks, the holidays would be over, and the two of them would have spent all of it at ends. She began to shiver as she traced her own hoof prints back to the farm.
Rarity’s fire had cooled almost immediately, and she sincerely considered turning back to apologize and re-invite her to their gathering. But she knew that orange mare was stubborn and would continue to fight her. She was quite offended by her assumption, but maybe she had gotten a little too angry with her friend. Though there was no stopping her now. Rarity looked back to see her still stomping down the path in the opposite direction. So the unicorn continued on her way too, she had to prepare her house for the guests she was bringing over. She tried not the fret about Applejack, sometimes there were some little disagreements, but they would always come around in the end, they were friends. But still, that could have been the last time she saw her until after Hearths Warming, they might have to spend the rest of the holiday season estranged! She turned back towards the farm, and then back again to face town. What could she do? Applejack, as sweet as she was, was also one of the most bull-headed ponies she had ever met. Even if Rarity ran back to apologize, it was unlikely the farm pony would change her mind, if just to spite her.
So she made her way back into the town, forcefully pushing her orange friend out of her mind. The weather was oddly warm for the season, though that wasn’t saying much, usually it was absolutely frigid outdoors. Many ponies were out and about playing or finishing up errands before the holidays. The town was adorned with decorations, wreaths hung from nearly every door, tinsel of red, green and silver wrapped around the lamp posts. Their small town decorations didn’t quite hold up to the standards set in Canterlot, but even so, they felt homey, and perfect for the season. She and her friends declined the offer to star in the pageant this year, they felt a Hearths Warming at home would be best.
Her boutique came into view at last, and she finally let herself smile as she approached the door. With all the invites taken care of, she had to make sure the house was presentable, and finish fixing up the snacks for her friends. Perhaps it was best that Applejack didn’t tag along. She would probably offer to help set up, which, as kind of a gesture as it would be, would make her feel like a terrible hostess. She pushed open the door, listening to the bell above her head tingle. It was a comforting sound. Though a sound she didn’t expect nearly gave her a heart attack.
“Hey Rarity!” An excited little voice rang out. The mare jumped, looking into her kitchen. Her little sister stood there, looking a little embarrassed. “Oops, sorry didn’t mean to scare you.” Her two friends ran up beside her. “Hey.” Scootaloo greeted, and Apple Bloom just waved, clearly still a little apologetic for bumping into her this morning. Rarity’s heart rate slowed a little.
“Now girls, you know that you’re always welcome here,” Rarity said, relieved it was just the girls, but still a bit annoyed at Sweetie. “But I don’t want you running around my boutique unsupervised, so just make sure-”
“They aren’t unsupervised.” A familiar raspy voice came from behind her. The white mare let out a small screech as she spun around coming face to face with Rainbow Dash.
“Oh my word, Dash!” Rarity said, trying to be stern, but soon she broke out laughing. “Don’t do that to me. What are you all doing in here?”
Rainbow folded her wings. Oh well, I saw the crusaders running by and I thought I’d invite them in. We had a huge party, lots of colts, trashed some of your dresses.” She winked playfully at her unicorn friend, obviously not fooled. “Nah, come here! We all have something to show you, right girls?”
Rainbow galloped excitedly around the corner. Rarity followed, after removing her boots and muffs and such, curiously wondering what she was being shown. Her little sister followed suit with her friends, each of them giggling to one another. Rarity wasn’t quite sure what to expect, and with Dash, it truly could have been anything. When the white mare rounded the corner into her living room she was awestruck. The room was decorated beautifully from the roof to the floor. The holiday colours were on display wherever she looked. Streamers and tinsel hung from the walls and doorways. Strings of lights were wrapped carefully around her mannequins, and cotton meant to look like snow was placed carefully on the ground. It was playful and silly, but festive and obviously done with considerable precision.
It took Rarity a few moments to find a voice, and her unexpected house guests simply stood and smiled.
“Rainbow, this is incredible!” She exclaimed, moving about the room to examine all the hard work on display.
“Yeah is, isn’t it? But it wasn’t just me, the girls were a huge help. Sweetie helped me find where you keep your decorations.” The little fillies beamed.
“But some of this isn’t even mine!”
“Yeah I brought some stuff from my house,” The blue pegasus explained. “Most of it hasn’t been used in years, I was glad to pitch it in.”
“Oh, thank you all so much.” The surprised unicorn pulled everypony in for a hug. “You didn’t have to do all this though, I feel terrible for making my houseguests decorate for my own party.”
“Oh it’s no big deal. I had the day off, and I figured it would be a nice surprise to come home to.” She looked to the girls. “You’re free to go. Thanks again for the help!” The fillies scampered off out the door to enjoy the day. Rarity watched them until she heard the bell on her door ring. She turned back to the cyan mare.
“I really do appreciate this.” She pulled her into another embrace.
“It’s really no problem. Consider it a Hearth’s Warming gift.” She gave the white mare a kiss on the nose. “But I did leave the baking to you, I’m no good in a kitchen.”
Rarity hardly minded, most of her afternoon would have been consumed with the decorating, and by herself, it wouldn’t have looked half as amazing. So she moved her way into the kitchen, glad to once again have some company. She rummaged through her freezer, pulling out some various dough’s she had prepared a few days prior. She also brought out a bowl and some ingredients to whip up a quick batch of sugar cookies. She knew Pinkie Pie loved those.
Rainbow pulled a chair into the kitchen and watched.
“Wow, you make it look easy.” She said as Rarity brought yet another tray of warm cookies from the oven, while measuring baking sugar. She smiled at the compliment.
“Yes, luckily I didn’t inherit mother’s skills in the kitchen.”
Rainbow let out a small chuckle, looking out the window.
“You still up for spending Hearths Warming with me? I’ll totally understand if you want to party with the girls, I’m fine either way.”
“No, no it’s been a long time coming, and I’ve wanted to spend the occasion with you for a while now.”
Rainbow nodded with a smile, clearly relieved. Her gaze returned to the window.
“So you still haven’t told Sweetie Belle huh?” The pegasus asked.
“About what?” Rarity replied, distracted by her work.
“You know, about us.” Rainbow gestured to herself then to Rarity with her hoof. The unicorn’s ears perked up a bit.
“No I haven’t, did you?” She asked, worried for a moment.
“No, I figured you would be the best pony to tell her, it’s just I don’t see why we have to keep this secret. She’s a good kid, and I want her to feel like she can trust me as a sister too.”
“I know. You and I been together much more often now, and I think I’ll be ready to tell everypony soon. I’m just worried,” She turned to look at Dash and show her she was sincere. “I just don’t want it to happen again. I’m not sure if I could take it.”
“Hey,” The other mare hopped down from her seat, planting a kiss on Rarity’s cheek. “There’s nothing to worry about. But I’ll leave it to you, whenever you feel comfortable. I love you.”
“I love you too Dash.”
“So,” She said, returning to her usual, upbeat tone. “Is everypony coming?” She grabbed a cookie straight of the baking tray, earning a look of mock severity from the unicorn.
Rarity sighed.
“Mostly, though I’m afraid Applejack may not be attending.”
“Oh,” The other pony said, surprised. “Did she say why?”
“She started asking about us and I got a bit defensive. I think I might have made her angry.”
“What did you tell her?”
“That I was offended by her assumptions and that she was being jealous.”
“Oh. Do you want me to go talk to her, try and calm her down?”
“No that’s alright, you’ve done enough for me today. I’ll go down to the barn and apologize tomorrow. It’s-” She was cut off by a knock on her door. “Oh, it seems we have a guest already.”
She trotted over to the door. Her horn illuminated with its blue aura, and a similar one covered the door handle. She swung it open, expecting Twilight due to her punctual nature. Though her guess proved false as she met eyes with a bashful looking farm pony. Applejack held her hat in her hooves.
“Hey Rarity.”
“Ah, hello Applejack.” She replied, surprised. The pony at her door cast her gaze to the ground as though searching for her words.
“Look, Ah’m real sorry about what Ah said back there. I shouldn’t have made such a bold presumption, and I don’t want our last meetin’ before the holidays to end in a fight. And, I would love to come to your party, if the invitation is still open.”
Rarity smiled, yet again surprised by how fast the usually stubborn pony came around. She put a hoof on her shoulder.
“Of course it is.” She stepped aside to let her friend enter her home. “And I feel that I must apologise as well, I might have been a little bit rude myself. I should have let the matter drop.”
“Well it’s Hearth Warmin’, why don’t we let bygone’s be bygone’s.” Applejack offered, her smile shifting from sheepish to friendly.
“Deal.”
The orange mare sniffed the air.
“Sure smells good in here.”
“Ah yes, Rainbow and I were just in the middle of some baking.” Upon hearing her name, Rainbow came around the corner.
“Oh hey Applejack, glad you came.” The pegasus said, obviously as surprised as Rarity, but happy to see her all the same. Rarity winced, knowing how suspicious it looked to have Rainbow in her home alone with her after their argument, but Applejack said nothing about it, she didn’t even make a face.
“Hi Dash. Do y’all need any help in the kitchen?”
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I can't wait to see what happens next...
Can't wait for chapter 2.
You better not leave this story alone
Thoughts before reading: The title is for the song For Whom The Bell Tolls? If so, I like that song!
3746926 nope the song has nothing to do with the story.
3746807 don't worry this story will defiantly be finished
Whelp. Now I have to rename my novel.
3747024 lol I guess I beat you to it
sorry
3747041
Unless Sweetie Belle isn't actually Rarity's "sister", then I won't accuse you of being psychic.
3747050 don't worry its not like that.
3747068
Meh. If I ever publish mine (I already have the rough coverart), I'll link this story because I'm awesome like that. Sound good?
3747083 Sounds good how about you get the word out about this story.
3746958
Aww It's a shame. Well, still a good fic. Really sweet and I sense a love triangle.
Just a suggestion, let a space between the paragraphs, it becomes tedious if you don't do it.
I'll fav it and I'm looking forward for more.
Time watches on.
3747194
I wonder how many actually got the reference.
3746926
Well, McCarthy made this joke months ago on Twitter, and I'm sure she wasn't the first one.
"For Whom the Sweetie Belle Tolls" was a fake name for a S4 episode which I'd really like to be a real episode name because it is such a terrible pun.
Though, the actual phrase is not originally from the song, but rather from a novel.
3747408 wasn't aware of that what do you think?
3747414
The term "For Whom the Bell Tolls" is a reference to church bells being rung at a funeral. It actually isn't even from Hemmingway originally; Hemmingway HIMSELF quoted it from a much older and more obscure source.
Basically, the church bells ring when someone dies. The point of the quote, however, is that every man's death diminishes everyone, because something precious is lost forever; thus, while the bell is tolling for the funeral of a man, the bell is really sounding for everyone, because the loss of anyone is a loss to everyone.
Anyway, as far as the story itself goes:
Two things that might help in the future improve the readability of the story.
First off, a full line break between paragraphs, or indentation (or both) can greatly improve readability. As it is, the story is a gigantic block of text, and while it has paragraphs, it can be hard to see where the paragraph breaks are. Indentation and extra lines between paragraphs helps make a story much easier to read.
Secondly, I noticed there are a few places here and there where the quotation marks at the start of a paragraph are missing, which is rather confusing and further makes the story more difficult to read. It is usually a good idea to go back through and look for stuff like that, as it really helps the reader follow along.
I'm sorry but after reading the title I had to listen to this
This was a great fiction! Update it or you get the shiv
I really liked this. It was good. I'll be honest though, I didn't wanna read this because of the title and description; made this fic sound really boring. Luckily the comments gave it good credit and I got curious.
3748407 well then what do you suggest I call story and make the discripiton say?
3747455
Thanks for enlighten this poor ignorant. Now I think that I understand the reference in the title.
3748413
I personally wouldn't worry about such reader suggestions until the entire story is known. Sure, you could probably write something more exciting as a synopsis, but none of us have the ability to do that for you, not knowing the plot. It's up to you to make it sound more interesting (I think it's fine) or leave it as-is.
I obscenity in the milk of this fic.
I really like this story so far. I think it could be something great, so keep it up!
I'm hoping to see more of this soon! Seems interesting, particularly with the reference in the title.
(Or did Rarity resurrect Rainbow following that tragic accident, and now they're carrying on a forbidden romance?
)
Yay!! Can't wait for the next chapter!! Wait...yeah, you're operating on chapters!!
The title reminds me of the Metallica some with the exact same name...
This was nice. I enjoyed it.
BUT ALAS!
It says incomplete in the story! Is there more to come? 
3753948 yes there is much more and if you want it you have to like and fav.
3753963
Hssssssss.....blackmail!
Fine. I give in to your wishes.
I absolutely love this story/plot. There might be a little too much affection between them but it provides more heart attacks.
One question, is Dash the older or younger sister? Or are she and Rarity the same age?
Really good so far. Keep up the good work!
-SWW
3755857 All will be revealed in due time. In the mean time recommend this story to all your friends.
My own family is falling apart around me, which is why the description pulled me in as quickly as it did. So far, I really like it. It all feels natural. I'll be keeping an eye on this to see where it goes.
This is good
OMG! This is amazing!
I am loving the story, cant wait for more :D
This story looks promising to me. I'm guessing we will have a slow build to this story, and I'm all for that.
Keep it up, sir!
3746958 hey I enjoyed this chapter very detailed just finished reading this one excited for next chapter
Not the kind of fic I'm into. It was pretty good in general none the less though. I assume Rarity lied to AJ? eh, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
In my opinion, your strongest point in the story is how well you handled the interactions between Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Normally, it is very easy to mess-up a love triangle from the beginning, but you kept Applejack's feelings down to a minimum in where it is safe to explore the triangle. The story is rich in detail as well.
As for the cons from what I have read, there are a few grammar errors sprinkled about, and some of the scene transitions flowed somewhat erratically with some of the tell in parts.
Yet, I did enjoy reading this chapter.
Really good so far! I did notice that you have a tendency to misuse apostrophes, though. Apostrophes are almost never used in plurals. The only time for that is when you're writing a plural of a single letter, a number in numeral form (as in, "1's", as opposed to "ones"), or a plural of an acronym (there may be a few others, but I can't think of any more at the moment).
Alright, sorry it took so long, life and shit.
Anyway, I want to first mention this to get it out of the way, but I am possibly the worst person to ask for reading a romance story, but, I will still read this purely out of solidarity.
So, for the most part, I don't have much to say at this point in regards to the story and the plot, but I do want to mention two things just as a warning. Personally, I had no problem with either of these, but I do know some people are complete fucking Nazi's over this.
1. Remember, I had no problem with this, but there was a lot of what people call Lavender Unicorn Syndrome in this first chapter. That is what happens when an author neglects using a character's name and instead uses their description to denote that they are doing something. For example, if you reread this, count every time you described Applejack as "The orange pony", some people would chastise this because it is unnecessary description and tell you to just call her Applejack.
2. Next, some would say there is a bit of "Show and tell" problems in this. What I mean is that some people would type "Cowardly, X said 'Blank'". To show this, the passage would go something like "With its tail between its legs, X said 'blank'". the idea here is to instead of telling us what is happening, you use description to show and describe what is happening.
That's all fine, but the extreme members of this go so far as to say that everything needs to shown, and in short things get slowed down so much that people like me are saying "come on, lets fucking go!".
So, like I said, I didn't have any problems with this, and it all come down to you, but I would suggest using names more often and describing things like emotions more often.
Good story, but you do have some errors that I must point out.
First, the way your dialogue is written. When the person is done taking there should be a comma instead of a period and the next work shouldn't be capitalized. It took we a while to understand this concept.
Second, there is inconsistent details about the snow near the beginning. It goes from powder to crunchy.
And third, you are missing the beginning quotation marks on two pieces of dialogue.
Other than that it is a good story. Not exactly my thing, but it is still a good story. I will try to read more of it another day. Keep writing my friend
Just as the previous commenter has said, it's a good story but it does have a few issues. Aside from the ones said commenter has pointed out, you also seem to have a slight problem repeating terms (at least, in the beginning of the story). Here, for example:
All in all, this is a better story, but could use a bit of editing. I will likely read more of this in the future...
I just had a quick look through this chapter, so I can't comment much on the story itself at the moment. I'll do a proper read later after I've had some sleep.
Anyway, first thing I noticed were the large chunks of text. Some seem to be okay, but others I felt could be split into separate paragraphs. I also noticed a lot of Said Bookisms that took away from readability.
That's it for now. I'll comment again later, after a proper read.
--matcha cheesecake
I bet Applejack's gonna be pissed when she finds out. I would be.