Chapter 2 – Dark Age
~ Ioannes I “Twilight Sparkle” Tzimiskes ~
As the loading screen came into view, Twilight’s methodical mind painstakingly revisited the fundamental principles that had made her such a successful Roman leader – successful enough by her own assuredly unbiased metrics, at least.
One: Optimize play for maximum efficiency. That meant creating a comprehensive list of in-game actions the alicorn needed to do in order to get the most resources in the fastest time. A shameful thing to admit, but the Princess had even slacked off on a few of her royal duties – no Court hearings today, *cough cough* – in order to make time for the necessary calculations; and in typical Twilight fashion, she converted said calculations into a schedule, which was then proofread, memorized, recalculated, reproofread, and finally eaten so as to deny the fruits of her labor to her friends. When it came to gaming, Twilight was going to be mercilessly selfish.
Two: Economy first. If Rainbow Dash as an arch-swarmer par excellence had not yet completely turned her off the tactic, Twilight’s own calculations certainly did. To pour one’s entire stockpile of resources into one grand attack, leaving nothing behind – that was too risky for the cautious Princess; moreover, the Taktika of Leo VI “the Wise” cautioned against it, so it was also good roleplay. No – the purple alicorn would bide her time patiently, building up a strong economic base through which her game-winning war machine could run itself on, then use said war machine to crush her opponents.
Three: One enemy at a time. Resources were limited on the game map; the best use what little she had (and there was never enough), the bookish mare needed to commit her forces where optimal gains could be obtained. And this, as implied by the Strategikon, meant applying maximum pressure on a single enemy – no purpose of hers would be served by following the wild tactics of Rainbow Dash, careening dangerously through all corners of the map, no further idea as to what the overarching goal was. Of course the pegasus had always emerged victorious in these challenges, but then again-
Twilight’s train of thought was cut short with the familiar opening scene: a yellow, canvas-laid Town Center, a lone Scout, and three so-called “people” – what strange figures they are! – under the occupational name of “villager”.
The alicorn’s brain instinctively switched over to autopilot. The magical aura gestating around her horn leapt forth eagerly, enveloping the keyboard and mousepad and began executing her mental commands.
And as if possessed by some demonic force, Her Highness’ mouth opened and began chanting to the steady beat of clicking buttons, a voice in her brain loudly checking off each item on her meticulously calculated to-do list:
“Queue four villagers. Build two houses. Chop wood. Build lumber camp. Get sheep. Move two sheep to TC, rest stay outside. New villagers to sheep. Move lumberjack to sheep. Get more sheep. Research- “
“Would you cut it, Twi’?” The sound of Applejack’s voice suddenly inserted itself into the rhythm. “Some ponies are tryin’ to concentrate here- ”
“No!” Rainbow Dash hurriedly interrupted. “Keep on talking, Twilight; keep on talking! Don’t listen to Applejack!”
"Create more villagers... " Twilight looked up, wondering what all the fuss was about.
“I’m sorry?!” The orange mare turned on her nominal ally. “Just what do you think you’re doin’?”
Rainbow Dash pulled the country mare close and whispered into her ear, the farm pony’s eyes widening in comprehension. “Ohh… forget what I just said, Twi’.”
“Take one villager who isn’t chopping wood, and build a Mill… what?” The magical pony peeked over the screen once more.
“Nothing, nothing!” The weathermare gestured dismissively with a hoof. “You just keep on doing what you were doing.”
Twilight frowned and turned back to her list... wait. What was I supposed to be doing after the Mill?
…
...
...
“Grr!” Twilight groaned, smacking her brow repeatedly. Of all the times to forget… think, Twilight, think!-
Just then, an unwelcome noise, a sudden red notification at the bottom of the screen: You need more houses to continue unit production.
“Argh!”
*
~ Rainbow Dash ~
Rainbow Dash, like Twilight, had entered the game with a set of fundamental principles guiding her play. But unlike her royal friend, said principles were short and simple for the pegasus – soldiers, and anything that created more soldiers.
She still wasn’t too cool about the idea of Applejack being on her team – she really wanted to flood the farmpony’s settlement with a hundred Huskarls, darn it! – but it wasn’t all bad. After all, Applejack was always an economic player: perhaps Rainbow Dash could provide protection for the cowpony, and have remuneration come in the form of resources to fuel the Hunnic army.
But such resource exchanges were only going to be possible once the farming mare advanced up an age. For now, the same-old-same-old – villagers, wood, sheep, hou- wait, Huns don’t need to build houses? Sweeet! – barracks, more villagers, militia, gold, more sheep, boar, farms, more militia-
A small conversation line popped up on the screen. SAA_IS_BETTER: stop building militia!
The pegasus, surprised at Applejack’s apparent ability to see what she was doing, wheeled around and nearly smacked into the disapproving face of the orange mare, the latter’s hooves still working the laptop keyboard as she silently chastised Rainbow Dash for such an excessive focus on the military.
It was time to respond. WONDRBOLTS_RULE: its to save ur sry flank when TS attack u
A slap on her real-life fetlocks confirmed that the pegasus had achieved the reaction she was trying for. Applejack glared at her on-paper ally, eyes like daggers.
“You told us to simply follow what Twilight’s doing. She ain’t building no militia,” the orange pony hissed, Twilight’s low ramblings prominent in the background.
“Yeah well, I got bored,” the pegasus answered as she began queuing up more militia at the barracks. “I can’t be bothered with just villagers all day.”
“Don’t count on me to bail you out with that attitude,” Applejack muttered, sending more villagers to – what else? Farm – as she struggled to build up her economic supply chain. “You always ruin the game for everypony, Dash.”
Dash faked a yawn. “Let me guess. Another lecture. It’s a game, AJ… ”
The cowpony quickly smacked the pegasus’ right foreleg, sending green militia haywire as Rainbow’s hoof involuntarily pressed down on the keyboard.
Rainbow Dash quickly retaliated, using her own hoof to smack the orange pony’s keyboard. “We’re supposed to be a team, Applejack!”
Applejack gasped as her own units flew out of control, hastily deleting the six-or-so palisades that were now being erected around the blue Town Center. “Quit it, Rainbow!” she hissed, glancing briefly at Twilight to see if she had noticed the incessant bickering. Her Highness was still in her game-induced trance.
“You stop!” the pegasus retorted, making threatening moves towards the country mare’s keyboard once again.
“OK, OK!” Applejack beat a hasty retreat, unwilling to have Rainbow Dash spoil any more of her plans. “Just… just try and use your resources more wisely, alright? I can only provide help when I get up to the Feudal Age. So try not to die before then.”
The victor in this minor scuffle huffed, yet again lining up a few more units of militia in the barracks queue. “You should be the one who’s worried, Applejack.”
*
~ Pinkie Pie ~
Asmund – not important enough in the grand scheme of things to possess a last name – gazed at the cloudy sky, gray and dark in typical medieval fashion. He sighed unhappily, the wispy breath curling and fading into a background of foreboding pine trees.
These were evil days.
The Viking was old enough to remember the glorious legends concerning the Old Gods – Ask and Embla stirring, divine breath seeping into their wooden form; thunderous Thor wrestling with the terrible World-Serpent, the hammer Mjolnir grasped in his right hand; and of course, the prophecy of Ragnarok, the End of Time, the cataclysm through which the world would be burnt and then raised anew.
But the legends lied. Ragnarok happened, without fire sweeping through the Earth, without the dread shade of a Fenrir or Loki coming for bloodthirsty revenge – the gods simply slipped away, disappeared like a thief in the dead of night. No Tyr or Odin remained to watch over the salt of the Earth. No gods left in the halls of Asgard to listen to the Norsemen's prayers.
Well, almost nobody.
“Asmuuuund!” A shrill VOICE suddenly erupted forth from the heavens.
The bearded villager sighed. At least this new god was much more communicative with Her charges.
“I am listening, O Great ‘HI, I’M PINKIE’.”
“Asmund, I’ve already told you like a squillion times: call me PINKIE!” the VOICE groaned, the faint sound of a Godhead hitting something hard. “P-I-N-K-I-E! Simple!”
“Forgive me, O PINKIE. We dare not offend you in the future.”
To be honest, this new god did not stir up feelings of awe within Asmund.
“Hmph! Anyway, I see you are idle, Asmund!” the VOICE informed. “Your fellow Vikings are chopping wood, farming and hunting deer. Explain yourself!”
“I was a sailor, O PINKIE.” The Viking shrugged as respectfully as he could. “There is no water within this great forest for me to sail my longship on.”
“Typical,” PINKIE muttered off-handedly. “Giving me a naval civilization on a map that has no water!”
“… what was that, O PINKIE?” the villager asked, confused.
“Never you mind. Asmund!” the VOICE proclaimed. “I’ve suddenly thought up a super-duper-extra-special-brilliant plan!”
Great. “We shall do your bidding, O PINKIE.”
“Yeah, you don’t want to make a god angry all right! Anyway, Asmund: gather up the Norsemen, and seek out the famed boar of Hallormsstaðaskógur… however you pronounce that.”
The Viking frowned. “And where is Hallormsstaðaskógur, O PINKIE?” He wasn’t quite sure how to pronounce the word himself. Was it even Norse?
“Oh, right,” the VOICE giggled apologetically. “They don’t name things in this game. Anyway, travel east to the lands of Greece, and hunt the southernmost boar before the third house to the right of the Greek Town Center.”
To say that this bearded Norseman, clothed in a rather fetching pair of red pants, was unimpressed would have been an understatement. “O PINKIE, should we not reconsider?” Asmund protested. “Won’t the Emperor John of Greece be enraged if we steal his boar?”
“I’m pretty sure we’re allied with the Greeks,” PINKIE replied. “After all, I put the Byzantines and the Vikings on the same team and I’m pretty sure I also ticked ‘Lock Teams’.”
“Right.” Asmund wasn’t sure what he just heard, but who was he to argue with the supernatural wisdom of PINKIE?
That didn’t mean no questions, though. “But O PINKIE, why hunt boar so far away? I mean, I saw three fine specimens near the gold patch while I was walking over to the tree stump; I wager they are as- “
“Do not doubt the word of PINKIE,” the VOICE cautioned.
“Fine. But one last thing. I’m a sea-dog. I do not know how to hunt- “
“O ye of little faith!” PINKIE thundered as a ray of light shone down from a nearby cloud. “Sorry – I’ve just been waiting for the perfect opportunity to say that! But anyway. Did you really think I’d send you to do tasks you were totally unequipped for?”
Asmund wasn’t sure he wanted to answer. “Well… ”
But lo! The Spirit came down onto the villager, lighting a flame on his right hand: the flame became a light, the light became a shape, and the shape became a bow. And then the Spirit entered the Viking, and he was thus suddenly and immediately enlightened in the ways of the hunt.
“You are a doubtful little villager, aren’t you?” PINKIE questioned when all the fuss ended. “Now what do you have to say for yourself?”
And at that moment, Asmund believed. “Hail to the Lord of Lords, King of Kings!” he exclaimed, prostrating himself into the ground. “I shall hunt the boar of boar of Hallormsstaðaskógur with the blessing of PINKIE!”
“Awww, thank you!” purred the wholly un-Godlike response.
Accurate representation of when I play AoE.
EDIT:
To actually be constructive: I like how this played out. Was fun to read in the submission queue. Maybe because I'm a bit biased.
Hmmm AoE
Played it very interesting
Chinese cho know nou I think it is are OP just get 50 of them and anything will die instantly.
Remember spamming is the key and a pretty base.
Go Pinkie victory to the Vikings!
So Princess Twilight is a Sledgehammer player, while Rainbow Dash is a zergrusher. Makes sense.
Applejack is playing to maximize economy, while Pinkie Pie is... capable of doing just about anything at random.
inb4 Twilight sends her king out to explore the map because he's fast and has a large LOS and Pinkie kills him with some militia men
This actually happened to my brother.
3670144 Nah, this is just a normal 2-v-2 multiplayer game. I haven't seen many competitive games with regicide in them, so I'm not sure what people do with their kings...
3670216
Me and my brother have always played regicide. It's especially fun playing the Black Forest map, whipping out the seige onagers, and cutting a path in the forest, lining it with castles, watch towers, and walls and building a "bunker" there. Then, you use the trebuchet to cut a 1x1 path in the forest away from the bunker's main castle so the king has an escape route to run through.
Another fun thing is to build six or seven castles right next to each other, put a villager in each one so the flag is shown and put the king in one. Then randomly swap them out so the "treason" feature is useless.
What I would always do in the computer games is build an elaborate base with defenses and everything, and then shove my king in a watch tower in the middle of nowhere with an escape route build in just in case.
Pinkie pie, You are the true old god
Now I want a Pony story with the old gods amongst them... Loki would be a riot
I loved the Pinkie as a god scene, I think it would actually be nice if all the civilizations were written that way, with the nations obeying some higher power. Of course, Pinkie Pie's the only one who speak directly to them. Btw, I have played Age of Mythology, so I have an idea of what's happening, but are Twilight's boars any different from the one's next to pinkie?
I don´t know why, but I couldn´t stop laughing! I know thid wasn´t really a comedy of sorts, but still... I play lots of age of empires, and just reading this was something I really never expected to find Amazing idea and story!
Cant wait to see where this goes!!!!!
YES!!! An Age of Empires crossover!!! This is the best idea I have ever seen! It had better be well written man, it better be.
-Clay the Draconequus
Despite how much I like the Byzantines.... The Vikings are the underdogs... and they are awesome!
3670253 REGICIDE IS DA BEST!!! And as for the other two things.... You witty piece of crap!!
3670216 Well, usually the player would put his king in the castle. However, in xTSGx's situation that is what someone would do if they wanted to take shrooms or krocadile...
TOMUCHYOLO!!! Btw: Really excited to see where this good story will go.
3670144 That's just sad...
3671261 Nah, it's just Pinkie being Pinkie. Stealing boar is a hilarious way of griefing when you watch competitive games...
Brings back sooo many fond memories!
On the one hand, bits of this made me smile. On the other hand, I am not sure if I'd be able to appreciate this much if AoE2 hadn't been such a large part of my childhood.
3670216
Got this game a while ago. My first skirmish (4v4, all CPU other than me) was Regicide.
Still haven't finished the game, though all the trees, stone, and gold have been mined and I have to buy wood and stuff from the market :P I did kill off the Aztec king, so they're out of the game, but the other three are still going strong.
My answer to all this:
The thing is, I think Twilight would prefer 4x or Grand Strategy. If I had talent, or more importantly an actual plot, I'd be inspired to write a spin-off where Twilight plays Crusader Kings and Europa Universalis. I think she would be the type to take a dynasty/nation from 867 to 1821. Regardless, I have enjoyed this story and desire more of it, keep up the enjoyable work.
3676678 She would, but multiplayer Grand Strategy, as you point out, is kind of difficult to write (especially with mechanics as complex as Crusader Kings II or - dare we even mention it - Victoria II).
I guess the easiest way to do something like that would be to have Twilight and others play a game that "coincidentally" turns out in the same way that real life history does...
3678547
Actually, in the intervening time I think I've figured out how to do it, and am going to see how it turns out. All I have to do is assign the starting nations.
I do like keeping Twilight as the purple power of the peninsulas, Greece and Turkey are peninsulas for the sake of alliteration, but the others... Dash is the Khazars, AJ Venice or Flanders, Pinkie... Karen? If I get ambitious, put Flutters in Ireland, and Rarity... Wessex? Worse case scenario I restrict myself to the "Interesting Characters" for 867.
You see, that's why you play regicide, Dash wouldn't be able to zerg rush in Regicide. The castle would mow down her militia men/Men-at-arms.
>inb4 sequel where they play a fourteen hour game of Empire Earth (and yes, I have played 14 hour long Empire Earth games before)
This brings back so much nostalgia, especially because me and my brother would always play a LAN game on Christmas Eve. *sigh* I wish we had kept that tradition going.
3680066. Oh man you played empire earth! wow... i used to play 4v4 empire earth all the time... and then there was that time we played against computer opponents with all pop caps removed... fun times
YOU REQUIRE MOAR
PYLONS.
3680093 I love empire earth I'd Zerg rush with warrior hero and 59 ranged infantry most of the time (fucking bots and there fucking towers)
Woulda made Age campaigns a bit more interesting if they had to pronounce words like that boar's name.
"The boar Hallormsstaðaskógur lairs near here. Follow, Atilla!"