Half-Hour Horses

by HoofAndQuill

The One Thing I'll Remember [Slice of Life, Comedy]

(The Prompt: Four on the floor.)

(Warning, extremely thick, drunken country accent ahead)

It wasn't exactly the best of ideas, lookin' back.

Now mind you, we all knew what we were agreein' to with this here drinkin' contest. All six of us, includin' Her Royal Highness Princess Twilight Sparkle, though don't ya let 'er hear ya call 'er that, sittin' around a table dragged out here into the barn an' drinkin' season-old cider until we drop.

Bein' completely honest, it ain't really all that fair throwin' a couple a' unicorns into a drinkin' contest. 'Course it does matter a bit who they're playin' against. This stuff ain't as bad as proper distilled spirits or anythin', but it'll sure get your head spinnin' if you're not used to it. Ah suppose nopony expected Fluttershy'd last all that long, and two cups in she bowed out as graceful as she could still move.

That was about when RD got all loud an' boastin' again. Guess my comment about skinny pegasus mares got on her feathers if ya take my meanin'. Now I don't mean nothin' by it, Fluttershy's a real fine friend an' I don't know what I'd do without her, but girl's thin as a whip and that isn't what you're lookin' for if you're tryin' to handle the drink. 'Course RD ain't much thicker, but she's a damn sight more hard headed.

So while RD and I were havin' a time hecklin' and laughin' at each other, Pinkie was over on th' other side of the table doin' tricks for Twilight and Rarity. Nothin' too fancy, just drinkin' from the opposite side of her glass, or throwin' an entire drink down in one swaller. Turns out Rarity's got a bit of a competitive side to 'er too, an' one or two of those big gulps and even a fine and proper lady will drop like a sack of potatoes.

Roundabout two more cups after Rarity'd decided ta take a nap is when it started hittin' the princess. Now take mind that RD was about three wings to th' wind by now and Pinkie was laughin' a bit louder'n usual. Since I don't want t' lie here I expect I may as well let loose that I was swayin' a little here an' there myself. Now Twilight's as fine as mare as any I know, an' I'm countin' what I figure most ponies see as the proper princesses in that list, so don't go takin' this the wrong way. But that mare gets right strange when she drinks.

So Twilight starts goin' all off blatherin' about what kinda chemicals an what all makes cider go to alcohol an' that gets me an' RD's attention right quick. I ain't th' type ta needlessly bully somepony, but seein' as I'd had a few an' we were all friends, I guess the cider got the better a' me an' Rainbow an' I started in on Twilight, makin' silly talk about science like we knew what in th' hay we were even sayin'.

'Course that just gets 'er all riled an' before long she's castin' up diagrams an' talkin' all highminded about molly-cules an' ionic bondin' an' Celestia knows what else. Pardon, my talkin' gets lazier when I'm tired, lemme take a minute.

Anyhow Twilight's all drunk an' if Ah know anythin' about unicorns it's that castin' makes cider go right to their heads. A few bright lights and some teleportin' around to make a point about how she weren't drunk at all ends up with Twilight passin' out on a bale of hay up in the loft.

Now Pinkie's been quiet for a while if you can believe somepony sayin' something like that. 'Course she's been takin' her cider right along with RD an' me, because for all her silly nonsense she ain't th' kind of pony to cheat. But stayin' quiet like that's a real fine way to be plumb forgot about when me an' RD are in one of them moods.

Rainbow's got that look in 'er eye what says she ain't turnin' back from this fight, and though I can't be sure, I reckon I looked about th' same. 'Course it was sort of an unfair fight t'start and I can already see her waverin' back and forth. It ain't all my own head shakin' making her look like that.

Say what y'want about all ponies bein' equal, but I could a' told you out front that it'd be two earth ponies holdin' the end of this little competition. Rainbow gets her back up an' her feathers rustled about somethin' or another, and before long she tries flyin' around the barn like she usually can. 'Course she ain't usually got this much cider in her either, an' then she winds up flat on her back next t' Twilight. Normally I'd move one of 'em over so they don't wake up in a fright, but I'm thinkin' they'll be too hung over t'even think about th' fact they're wakin' up together.

That brings us up t' about now. I'm wagerin' ya can hardly unnerstand what Ah'm sayin' at this point, seein' as how I'm th' better part of a barrel in, an' then I look over to my competition. Now we started with six at th' table, one left early, an' now there's three mares flat on th' floor, and this fluffy pink one lookin' me dead in the eye. I lift my cup and take another drink, the cider seemin' a lot less sweet than it did two hours ago. She laughs an' throws back her whole mug in one go again, an' slams it right down on th' table.

Ah'm th' prideful sort, but I ain't goin' to lie an' say I said what I said exactly clear. Somethin' about supposin' she was jus' about ready t'call it a draw. Pinkie lets out a giggle, th' kind a' laughter y'can't help but catch. Once we calm down she up an' points to th' bet we all put down, hunner'd bits each. Nothin' goin' to break th' farm or anythin', but it's a nice pot.

Now Ah've seen Pinkie puttin' away half a barrel of cider, same as me, an' I'm goin' t' be completely honest an' say that I was wobblin' to and fro a bit, but this girl wasn' doin' anythin' but laughin'. She takes my cup off a' mah hoof and throws back th' rest of my cider. Ah have half a mind t' argue but suddenly th' floor's lookin' a mite more comfortable than sittin' up here.

Pinkie runs her hoof over my mane in th' most infuriatin' but friendliest way Ah can imagine, an' says clear as a bell. "Silly Applejack! Farm girls aren't cheap dates, but a smart pony never bets that she can drink more than the Pink!"

Ah don't even have time t'tell her how stupid that was b'fore there's four on th' floor an' one mare with th' winnin's.

Ah'm bettin' I won't remember about half of this t'morrow, but Ah'll remember one thing.

It's never a good idea to place a bet against Pinkie Pie.

Comments

[Esle Ynopemos]

And this is how you use phonetic accents correctly.

Never bet against Pinkie Pie, indeed.

[PresentPerfect]

yup :D