Chapter Seven: Where the Finer Points of Pet Projectiles are Discussed
Twilight sat at the head of the table with Golden sitting on her immediate right. Pinkie Pie would inevitably sit at the head of the other end, the rest of the chairs inevitably devolving into a case of first-come-first-serve. Twilight sat anxiously at this table at Pomme Frites with Golden Retriever, desperately trying to think in the third person to avoid acknowledging she was alone with a pony she had a crush on in a rather nice cafe whilst the both of them wore very pretty dresses that, particularly on Golden, were rather flattering to key desirable anatomical features.
Twilight only felt she succeeded in making herself sound like Trixie inside her own head.
So I stop that immediately and suppress a shudder, focusing instead on Golden.
She's still in her Rarity original gorgeous red slip, but she's looking pointedly at some offending fixed spot on the long table reserved for us, some point between myself and her. Four chairs remain vacant for the next few minutes, at least until their occupants arrive. Golden looks very happy and very conflicted over the fact that she feels happy.
“Is something wrong?” I ask. We've just politely turned away the waiter, a pleasant young stallion named Toodlepip, and I'm hoping it's not that. Okay, I'm hoping it's not me. Okay, so, I'm hoping the reason she's happy is at least partially because of me, I'm just hoping the conflicted part isn't because of me.
“No, no, everything's just fine, Doctor Princess Sparkle,” she reassures me, then stares down at the table and mumbles, “just great,” which renders null and void all reassurance that might have been had. Alright, so the former sounded sincere and the latter didn't. What can we learn from this, Twilight?
We know she's making an effort. We know she actually wants to be here. We also now know she doesn't want to be here just as much. This implies anxiety about what might or might not happen, something I'm exceedingly familiar with.
Is she anxious because I'm anxious? No, that's not it, I became anxious after noticing she was already anxious when we sat down together, which is when I tried to think in the third person. That fixed nothing, and might have made my own anxiety slightly worse, so let's cross out other options before I dwell on it further.
There's a simple way to find out; by putting her on the spot and asking why she's so anxious. This idea is a double edged sword, isn't it?
I'm going to risk it.
I've got one shot at asking this question, otherwise she'll probably just close off completely.
“You don't have to be nervous about meeting my friends,” I hazard, “I'm sure they'll love you.”
She lets out a sigh of dubious relief and pent up anxiety. Score! She's nervous about meeting my friends! I have no idea why she'd be nervous about meeting them, but it seemed the most logical guess.
“Why, though?” She moans, head flopping down onto the table. I translate her words through the muffling effect the wooden table imparts upon them. “I'm a scribe. They're national heroes. I'm an egghead. They're the embodiment of Equestria's greatest virtues.”
“Spike's a scribe too,” I point out, sipping at my glass of complimentary ice water (fancy!), “and I'm the epitome of eggheads. Are you doubting that my friends like me? Or that Spike is any less cool?” I'm glad Rainbow Dash didn't hear that. I'm the sort of pony who makes the word 'cool' sound distinctly 'uncool'. It's not my fault, I think it's genetic. I certainly inherited dork-speak from Dad, after all; he's the kind of pony who'd think dork-speak was a perfectly acceptable term.
She raises her head sullenly from the table and achieves some amalgamation of a look that is half glare, half pout. “You two don't count. You two are exceptions, insofar as you are exceptional.” Her head falls back down again. “Exceptionally exceptional exceptions.” She declares through the table.
“You flatter me,” I deadpan. There can only be One True Snarker, after all, and I won't go down without a proverbial fight. Particularly if I can have one with actual proverbs. “Well, they probably won't arrive all at once, so you’ll probably be meeting them one at a time.” There's the carrot, now for the stick – see? Proverbs! “But I don't really think you'll make a great first impression if this is how you greet them.”
Golden reacts as if she's been struck by a bolt of lightning made of caffeine, head jerking off the table and eyes wide and alert. I'm counting that as a win, too. Her spectacles fall off her face in the process and she fumbles for them whilst I make my salient point. “You've already met Rarity,” I reassure her, “and you seemed to really like her. I'm pretty sure she liked you too.”
“... yeah. She was really nice.” Golden grudgingly admits. Well, that wasn't like pulling teeth at all.
“Which leaves Fluttershy, who is the bearer of the element of kindness. I don't see her being a problem,” well, that's not true, I'm totally prepared for her to be very unhappy with me, in her own quiet way, over the course of this conversation, unless her opinion on massive change completely, (and somewhat ironically), massively changed since I last saw her. I just doubt that her ire is going to extend to Golden. “Then we have Rainbow Dash, who's the element of loyalty. A friend of mine is a friend of hers. Pinkie Pie... I don't think I've met a pony Pinkie Pie didn't like. Except Nightmare Moon. I remember her being so mad as to call her Black Snooty.”
“What about Applejack, element of honesty? Intel says she doesn't like city-types! If she doesn't like me, she's going to make a point of saying it. Then Rainbow Dash might side with her over you. And if Pinkie Pie hasn't not liked somepony before, then statistically she's due for one, and I know that's the Gambler's Fallacy, but it's still true. Then all your friends will hate me, Doctor Princess Sparkle, and then you won't be able to work with me, because how could you? Then you'll send me back to Canterlot as a failure and I'll be knocked back to being a notary in the mailroom! No, the mailroom notary's assistant!”
She ends her rant with some wild eyed panting. Her electric eyes focus on the iced water in front of her, which is downed in a single gulp. That, at least, calms her down.
She focuses on me again. I've got a very enigmatic expression on my face. I know, because I'm trying very hard to make it one. The more she focuses on trying to understand what it means the less she focuses on how panicked she is, which again, is another win in my book. I should start keeping a tally. Her muzzle wrinkles up in consternation, which I take as my cue to explain myself.
“You know, being on the other side of an anxiety attack like that is kind of nice for once. It's kind of funny seeing how silly I must look to some ponies.” She looks offended at that remark, and is about to say something that is, rightfully, indignant, but I push ahead before she gets the chance, “I don't think you look silly at all, Golden. I know exactly how you feel right now. In fact, it's nice to have somepony who gets this whole 'thing', you'll have to remind me next time I have one. Actually, last time I had a meltdown that bad, I ended up causing a massive riot over one of my stuffed animals that nearly tore Ponyville apart. That was over not sending a friendship report in on time. Princess Celestia herself had to-” Keep smiling, the memory is barbed and painful but we are going to laugh it off to reassure our friend here, Twilight Sparkle, “had to come down to Ponyville and break it up.”
“The Want-It Need-It spell.” She breathes, finally meeting my gaze. I refill her glass from a pitcher on the table, I figure this is the sort of conversation that needs tentative sipping at things occasionally, “I heard about that. Was it really as bad as they say?”
I swallow the dry lump in my throat at the thought that there's a rumour going around about it. “Probably,” I admit.
Golden smiles wryly, taking a tentative sip from her refilled glass. “You really think it's going to be alright?”
“Well, if it helps,” Fluttershy says softly over my shoulder, “I think you seem pretty nice.”
We both jump. It's apparent that neither of us heard her coming. Golden might have been able to see her, if it weren't for being so distracted by the table in general. Fluttershy’s face falls instantaneously.
“Oh, did I frighten you? I didn't mean to. I'm sorry.”
I half stand and gesture to the seat beside Golden. I figure if she's worried about meeting my friends, I'll seat her next to the least-threatening of our merry band. “Fluttershy, this is Golden Retriever. Golden Retriever, my friend Fluttershy.”
Fluttershy smiles kindly, soft and subdued like almost everything she does, and offers a hoof to Golden. Golden meets her gaze with reluctance, scanning it for any hint of suspicion or betrayal or anything else she fears she'll find. It warms my heart to see she doesn't find what she's looking for, just like I'd hoped.
Fluttershy's hoof is met with a friendly bump and the pegasus takes her seat. A unicorn, a pegasus and an earth pony now sit at the table, what a diverse bunch we are.
“So, what does the Element of Kindness do when she's not out saving the world?” Golden smiles. Actually smiles! Hooray for Fluttershy's passive aura of non-threatening kindness!
“Oh, I tend to Ponyville's animals. They look up to me.”
“So you're a vet, then?”
“Not a licensed one,” Fluttershy admits, still smiling warmly, “I'm more like a caretaker. How about you? What do you do?”
“Well, currently I'm an assistant to Doctor Princess Twilight Sparkle, but before then I was one of the Royal Scribes. Hardly glamorous, but all the cogs need to be greased or nothing runs smoothly.”
“Well, I certainly think that sounds very important.” Fluttershy has this way of making things that, from anypony else, would sound condescending or patronising... just seem genuine. She just does. “But why 'Doctor Princess Sparkle',” Here Fluttershy glances at me, confused, “Shouldn't it be Princess Doctor? Or just Princess?”
Golden shakes her head vigorously. “The more important title goes first,” she informs her gravely. This statement amuses me, and I hide my smile behind another sip of my own water. Oh! I should probably pour Fluttershy a glass whilst I'm at it... going to need another pitcher for the rest of my friends... I try to flag down Toodlepip.
“Isn't Princess more important than Doctor though? I'm sorry, that's just what I thought.”
Again Golden shakes her head. “Prince or Princess is a title somepony is born with, or married into. Anypony who has met Prince Blueblood knows how meaningless that title can be. Doctor is a title that somepony earns,” and here she shoots me an awed glance, so I promptly miss a chance at catching Toodlepip's attention whilst I bask in it, “and some ponies like Doctor Princess Sparkle earns several times over.”
Fluttershy looks even more confused now. “But... Twilight earned her title of Princess, too. I was there.”
Golden blinks blankly, mentally reshuffling her entire worldview around the statement. “Well, yes, but, she's an exception to the rule. I base it on the rule itself.”
“Oh. Okay, well that sounds reasonable,” Fluttershy says, sounding like she's utterly unconvinced but doesn't want to make an argument of it. I continue hiding my amusement behind a particularly long sip, trying not to laugh.
I must admit, I really do like the ring of Doctor Princess, now that I've gotten used to it. It's utterly absurd, but in the best possible way. Is that narcissistic? I hope it's not narcissistic.
“What sounds reasonable?” Rainbow Dash asks right in my ear, and I mean she’s hovering behind me with her mouth right in my ear. Okay, Fluttershy getting the drop on me I could understand, but Rainbow Dash is anything but subtle. How did she – I glance up at the single cloud in the sky, which appears to be right above my head. Oh, so that's how.
Her prankster streak can really get on a pony's nerves.
“Calling me Doctor Princess Sparkle,” I answer with as much patience as I can muster.
“What's wrong with just calling you Twilight?” She smugs at me as she takes the chair beside me to my left. It's as annoying as it is charming. The smugging, not the chair taking.
“Absolutely nothing. Rainbow Dash, this is Golden Retriever. She's my new assistant from Canterlot. Golden Retriever, this is Rainbow Dash, local weather manager, prankster extraordinaire and, of course, Element of Loyalty.”
“Pleasure to meet'cha,” Rainbow beams wide and happy at Golden before something about her catches her eye. Her face falls a little bit, but she offers her hoof in a bump anyway. Golden tentatively bumps it back, but it's obvious she's noticed how unsubtle Rainbow Dash is, too.
“Is... is there something wrong?”
“Nah, it's just... you're really pretty in that dress,” Rainbow glances her up and down, to which Golden looks... shocked and flattered, which is pretty much the standard reaction to one of your heroes admitting they find you attractive completely at random. “It's just a shame.”
“What is?” She rises to Rainbow's obvious bait obliviously, ear flicking with curiosity. Even Fluttershy looks curious to see where Rainbow’s going with this. I prepare a weary sigh in advance, just in case, as I sip my drink. I've nearly gone through half a glass with all the sipping I've had to do to maintain the conversation at this point. Toodlepip, at least, has noticed and has finally brought another pitcher.
“That there's policies against fraternising with employees and junk.” Not what I expected at all. I choke on my drink a little, I'm not proud to admit. “Guess that means Twilight's still all mine then.” She grins salaciously at me. I choke significantly more on my drink as Rainbow Dash leans across, patting me on the back. You know, to 'help'.
“Actually, Twilight's government operates independently from the rest of Equestria's. Such regulations only apply to her staff if she chooses them to.”
There's silence. Everyone at the table, especially me (whilst still choking a little, of course), stares at her incredulously. I don't think she's realised exactly what she's said yet. We give her a few seconds as she notices us, and her brain finally catches up to what she said and processes it. Rainbow desperately tries not to snicker in an effort not to spoil her little joke, but Fluttershy doesn’t face that same restriction. She-- Fluttershy! No!
“Oh. Oh dear.” Golden Retriever utters with utmost solemnity, nervously fidgeting with her spectacles, before taking another long, pointed draw from her glass, presumably to drown the embarrassment.
Still that's... very interesting to know. Fascinating really.
Rainbow is the first to recover. “That's kinda disappointing actually,” she says, holding her own glass of water in front of her with her wings, looking down at it speculatively and swirling it in a manner I bet she thinks is philosophically, “'cause now that I'm Twilight's employee too, I was kind of hoping we'd make for a massive scandal.”
Okay, I finally stop choking on my water long enough to spray it all over poor Fluttershy. Of course, she apologises to me before I get a chance to apologise to her.
“We are not going to make for a massive scandal, Rainbow.” I say, watching Rainbow carefully as Golden leans over to help Fluttershy with a napkin. It's weird, when I say it, Dash keeps smiling, but it retreats from her eyes for a moment.
Just a moment and it's gone, though, and it's right back in full force as she replies, “Not with that attitude we aren't.”
I groan. What else can I do?
Golden's still blushing furiously into her drink, but she's not quite as bad as I must be at the moment. Fluttershy scans us both and looks like she's about to scold Rainbow when Applejack interrupts, taking the seat next to Rainbow and plopping down into it, leaning across the table to address us all.
“C'mon Rainbow, rein it back in a notch, will ya? Look, you got this lovely pair as flustered as... well, frankly, as flustered as you get whenever Rarity gets her hooves on you for a fitting.” She smirks and Rainbow 'harrumphs', going so far as to cross her forelegs and everything. “Howdy, you must be Golden Retriever. Pinkie Pie mentioned you in the invitation. I'm Applejack, pleased to meet'cha.” She grins broadly, offering a hoof across the table. Golden tentatively accepts the grip given and is rewarded for it with the hoofshake of a lifetime. AJ's got quite a bit more muscle on her than ponies seem to think. “Now, what's for lunch?”
“Lunch is still on me for yesterday, isn't it?” I ask knowingly. Rainbow and Applejack both look the picture of innocence for my asking, which is about as close to a 'yes' as I’m going to get from them. Fluttershy glances back and forth at the pair and me.
“What happened yesterday?”
“Nothing.” Rainbow answers a little too quickly... okay, a lot too quickly. She looks to Applejack for support. The farmpony just shrugs at the table, then gives another shrug to me for emphasis.
Seems like not everything was fixed with a judicious application of Scootaloo.
“They helped me move the gold into the bank vault. Rainbow's just being modest.” I answer, looking at Golden and Fluttershy but watching RD out of the corner of my eye. She sighs in relief. Hrrm. I don’t think Fluttershy quite buys the concept of Rainbow being modest either. Curse my terrible lying skills.
Toodlepip materializes behind me. “Are the madames ready?”
“Six menus please. We're just waiting on one more.”
“But of course.” He nods, then slinks back into obscurity the way really good waiters are able to. Pinkie Pie was apparently standing right behind him, because we can see her waving at us the second Toodlepip moves, beaming and waving at us.
“Hi girls!” She declares to the world at large, but more specifically us, taking her rightful place at the other end of the table across from me. “Sorry I'm a little late, Discord was doing the stuff with the things and I had to deal with him and that. What’d I miss?” She scans us for a moment before her eyes lock on Golden's. “Loudest of gasps!” She says. Yes, you heard right, she actually says that, as opposed to actually doing it. “You must be Golden Retriever! You're exactly like Rarity described, right down to being really pretty in a red dress! How coincidental is that? Rarity couldn't come by the way, just like Twilight said, but she said she appreciated the gesture.”
Golden blushes slightly again. “Everyone keeps calling me pretty today,” she mumbles, glancing down at herself, “It's nice.”
“Well, you seem nice, so it's only right that nice things are said to nice ponies.” Pinkie proclaimed, even going so far as to raise her glass in a mock toast.
“Pinkie Pie, Golden Retriever. Golden Retriever, Pinkie Pie, Element of Laughter.”
“I'm a funny pony,” Pinkie declared in a tone I will claim to be chipper, but in actuality is somehow more cheerful than that, “I have a funny voice, a funny face, a funny smell. Yep, I'm a real funny pony.”
Golden Retriever snorts with laughter, then catches herself snorting with laughter and looks mortified. She looks so mortified that I think that's really funny and also giggle-snort, which sets off this whole chain reaction...
Basically we're all falling off our chairs laughing at the fact that we're laughing in a very nice Fancy restaurant.
Not our finest moment, I will admit, but I can't complain if I'm smiling as much as I am.
“So, yes, now that we're all here and introduced, I think we can all agree that Golden Retriever seems like a pleasant enough pony, yes?”
“Well, we have only just met her,” AJ says, but it's in an obviously playful manner, obvious enough that even Golden sees it for what it is, “but short of tellin' us her favourite hobby is kickin' puppies, I think we should be fine.”
Golden looks bold for a moment. Looks like she’s finally warming up to my friends, and that she won’t say something silly that will make us all hate her. “Don't be ridiculous. Why would I kick puppies when you can get so much more distance out of kittens?”
There's another shocked silence at the table and we all stare at her again. I swear, this is becoming a habit at this point.
Finally Pinkie bursts into raucous laughter, banging her hoof against the table. “Oh, oh, that's so funny.”
“It... really wasn't.” Fluttershy says, looking a distinct shade of pale green that Rarity would say looked actually quite flattering on her, but that was neither here nor there.
“No, no, it's funny cause she thought that it was going to be a joke, and then it just wasn't.” Pinkie laughs. She looks around the table, meeting all our awkward – and in Golden's, embarrassed – gazes. “Oh, c'mon,” she pouts, “you can't say you've never done that. Where it just sounds better in your head but then it comes out of your mouth and you wish you could just put it right back in there, but you can't? Everypony's done that!” Pinkie's eyes twinkle at me, and what she just said gives me an idea.
It's crazy, it's risky, but darn it, it just might work!
“How was it a joke?” I ask, rolling my eyes. The next part only works if I put my all into the delivery, like it's the most obvious thing in the world, “Everypony knows that kittens are lighter, and far more aerodynamic, than puppies.”
“Woah, now, hang on,” Rainbow slams a hoof down onto the table, rattling all our waters, glaring at me, “You can't seriously be suggesting it's better to kick kittens than puppies?”
Well, it was a nice effort. Sorry, Golden, I tried. At least we'll go down together. “Well-”
“Because you're right; kittens are lighter. But they're too light! You can't get any, whatchamacallit, inertia behind it. AJ knows what I'm talking about, back me up here.”
AJ stares at us all and blinks. Finally a slow, knowing smile dawns on her face and I know that I have done well. “Rainbow has a point. You can put more power behind something with more heft to it, gettit to stay up longer. Otherwise you'd be better off with one of Pinkie's party balloons than a proper hoofball.”
“I hadn't considered that,” I admit, acknowledging my weakness in the forethought of the puppies vs. kittens kicking debate, something I have never put prior thought into until now, “but the soft fluff of a kitten would provide at least partial lift at comparable velocities. Back me up on this, Fluttershy.”
“I think it's utterly awful that you're discussing whether to kick a puppy or a kitten at all,” Fluttershy scolds us, looking rather upset with us... until she adds, with a cheerful smile, “when there are so many baby birds out there that would just try their absolute hardest to go as far as their little wings could carry them, if you gave them that first little push.”
It's at this point that Pinkie Pie falls off her chair laughing, flopping onto the floor like a fish and Golden graces me with a grateful look. Yes, I should definitely be keeping a tally of my wins today. The rest of us try to keep a straight face as a rather bemused Toodlepip turns up to take our orders. Applejack fails miserably, which sets Rainbow Dash and myself off. Golden covers a smile behind a foreleg whilst Fluttershy is the picture of innocent serenity.
I love my friends.
The waiter takes our orders; An apple turnover for don't even pretend you don't know who ordered the apple dish, a sorbet for Rainbow Dash, an Everfree Forest gateau for Pinkie Pie once she manages to climb back into her chair (not a slice, the whole thing), I ordered the large carrot-ricotta quiche (I was hungry, okay?), Golden takes the soup of the day whilst Fluttershy goes for the house salad, after reassuring the waiter that everything looked nice, and that she was rather sorry that she had to choose.
“And make it snappy,” Rainbow demands in her haughtiest voice, “chop-chop, toodlepip.”
Toodlepip stares at her oddly. Golden smirks and slides him a little laminated card across the table, which he glances at and returns to her with a look of complete and utter jealousy. Rainbow remains blissfully ignorant as to what just happened, for better or worse.
The waiter then walks away with our orders, which is great, because it creates a conversation vacuum. Usually this would be filled with a few moments of awkward silence until a new conversation could be picked up, but I pounce on it and nail down the reason they're all here.
“So, I have big changes planned for Ponyville,” I announce, “and you are my focus group. You're a pretty diverse slice of the Ponyville demography and, though you're probably biased, I trust you to tell me your absolute honest opinions. Especially Applejack,” I finish. She tips her hat back at me with a smile.
“They going to affect our new, low tax rate?”
“Probably,” I admit, “but Luna's seed money was... very generous, as you've seen. Mostly I still need the tithe at the moment to pay for existing infrastructure and employees, like Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.”
“Thanks boss.” Rainbow smirks.
“About the whole tithing thing... do I still have to pay it if one in ten of my parties are in your honour?”
I'm about to say no, offhoof, but I think about it. I glance at Golden, who merely shrugs. I can't think of a good reason to say no, actually. As part of public relations, really it's something I should be asking her for, actually.
“I suppose you can pay in parties,” I say, but it's accompanied by a Very Serious Look indeed, “but you need to promise that they're very good parties indeed. By royal decree.”
Pinkie Pie salutes me, her face equally serious, “Aye, Princess, my Cap'n!”
“So, what's the plan, Princess?” Applejack snickers. I was hoping somepony would ask, because it gives me a perfect opening to pull out a modified zoning draft of what Filthy Rich was proposing. Rarity was right to be suspicious, some of what he suggested was a little suspect, but the overall plan was actually pretty close to ideal. I suppose that was his plan; distract me from the trees by making the forest really darn pretty.
The plans spread across the table like a placemat, I focus on levitating glasses and pitchers out of the way as it unfurls. Pinkie Pie regards it with a little 'ooo!' noise, but otherwise my friends silently regard it, studying it.
I've simplified it and added keys so that there's no mistaking exactly which means what to who. Just have to wait for them to soak it in.
“That's an awful lot of universities,” Applejack muttered, mostly to herself but loud enough for me to hear, “Town's going to be flooded with wannabe eggheads, then?”
“Ponyville is in a desperate labour shortage at the moment,” Golden informs her, pulling out some graphs of her own, “and a large influx of part-time labour might be exactly the stimulation it needs.”
“As a villein, you wouldn't be required to pick your own crop. I'd be able to offer agricultural degree credits to students who took an unpaid internship on your farm and helped maximise its output, or just learn the trade.”
“It'd be nice if Mac an' I didn't have to run ourselves ragged every applebucking season, and there might actually be enough cider in Ponyville for once.”
“Exactly,” Golden concludes.
Fluttershy looks conflicted. After a lengthy internal debate as to whether to bring it up or not, she finally decides she needs to be assertive Fluttershy for the moment. “There's an awful lot of change happening near my home. I don't think I like that.”
Golden jumps at the chance to be useful. “We're planning on opening a veterinary college near your home. You said yourself that you're not a licensed vet... well, now you could be, whilst still being able to take care of the animals near your home.”
“Oh, but, where would they go?”
“We're keeping Whitetail Woods as a green site, meaning no-one can develop on, or too near, them.”
“Well... I guess that's okay.”
“Okay? Maybe I like Ponyville just the way it is,” Rainbow Dash grumbles, “maybe change isn't good. Maybe Ponyville was doing just fine until now and we don't need to wreck everything trying to fix what ain't broke.”
I have no idea what to say to that. No, really, no idea, my mind is a total blank. Just because I like the new changes doesn't, and shouldn't, mean all my friends should just go along with it, but for Rainbow Dash to feel so strongly about it... I guess it makes sense. Ponyville is her home, it's what's she's most loyal to.
Fortunately Pinkie Pie appears to know exactly what to say. “But Rainbow Dash, think of all the new ponies in Ponyville.”
“Yeah, I am thinking about it. That's the problem.”
“No, I mean,” Pinkie shakes her head vehemently, so hard I think it might fall off, “think of all the new fans, and ponies who'd show up to your air shows, and how much bigger the crowds would be. Think how much better the parties will be! I'm gunna need to upgrade the Welcome Wagon!”
Of course Pinkie would think of that... Oh, Celestia, please, never, ever let Pinkie Pie discover what a frat party is. It'd doom us all.
“Wait, wait, woah, woah... new fans? Bigger crowds? Okay, yeah... yeah, I can get behind that.”
“You know, I have missed the good Canterlot coffee shops too...” I add, thoughtfully, before blinking in confusion. “Wait, why am I convincing myself?”
“Because you're not sure it's a good idea, and you're hoping we'd help talk you into or out of it, Sugarcube. This ain't the hokey pokey, though. If you ain't sure about it, well, you're just going to end up doing to a whole lot of ponies a whole world of hurt. You need to be absolutely certain on this.”
“I am one hundred percent, absolutely, definitely sure about this,” I say with utter conviction, “I think.”
“You think? You mean you don't know?” Rainbow stares at me.
I'm about to answer when the waiter returns with our food, serving it with an absolute minimum of fuss. Still, even that's enough to derail a conversation, I hope.
Rainbow glances down at her sorbet, then back up at me, then down at her sorbet. It appears dessert wins, and she takes to eating it with gusto.
Unfortunately I hadn't factored in Fluttershy.
“What about the ponies who already live in Ponyville?” She asks, stirring her salad idly in front of her with a fork, not really touching it, “Maybe they don't want to live in a city. Maybe... maybe this isn't the best thing for Ponyville.”
“What's not to love about a bunch of new ponies?” Pinkie Pie asks, before taking a large bite of the cake in front of her with her face. Just... with her entire face. Her mouth opens so wide she looks like a shark and she just leans in and suddenly a quarter of the cake is just gone.
“Well... some ponies... might not like all the strangers. Or maybe they just like Ponyville the way it is.”
Golden takes the initiative. Hooray! “Doctor Princess Sparkle's proposed plans would raise the income levels of all Ponyville's citizens and give its residents countless opportunities they'd normally have to move away for to have access to, like higher education.”
“Our business ponies like Rarity are constricted by the small market and forced to move away if they become too successful,” I point out, “in a lot of ways, we're holding Rarity back. She's just nice enough to not rub it in our faces.”
Rainbow Dash is roused from her sorbet by that point, “No we aren't! She loves it in Ponyville.”
“She loves it in Ponyville because of us. Don't you realize how many more opportunities she'd have in Canterlot? Or Manehattan?”
“Well, yeah, but she doesn't because... those ponies are all noble jerks, right?”
“And 'noble-jerks' are the ponies with all the bits. The kind of pony I'm trying to attract to Ponyville.” Sort of. Kind of.
“Now just hold on a moment,” Applejack takes her hoof and taps the table with it, rattling her turnover, “we're trying to get snooty rich ponies to move here? Twilight, by which I mean Princess, have you lost your marbles?! Why'd we want-”
I hold my own hoof up placatingly to try to cut her off before she gets a, very justified, rant going, “Applejack, scholars are lesser nobility. They've all got money but, in my experience, tend to be less of a jerk about it.”
“Sometimes,” Golden corrects me. “Some of them can be just as insufferable. They just tend to be insufferable about much more specific things.”
I think back to one of my old lecturers at Oxfjord (Celestia might have been great for magic, but even she can't know everything (wow, I feel dirty just for thinking that (praise Celestia))) and how much of a smug jerk he was, just because he had tenure. Then I remember the look on his face when I pointed out he'd used the wrong equation and his methodology was flawed, and I feel good again.
“That's a fair point,” I admit “but they also have a lot of disposable income. Also, think of what a few important scientific discoveries would do to put Ponyville on the map!”
“What if we don't want to be on the map,” Rainbow grumps. Funny, you never miss her smugging until she stops doing it.
“Then... I don't know.”
I don't know. I really don't know.
Applejack glances back and forth between us. “Hey, now, c'mon Rainbow Dash. You'd finally get cider every season, big crowds to show off to... what's really got you down?”
“I don't know. It just... I don't know.”
“That ain't mighty helpful to the Princess, Rainbow.”
“I don't really care,” Rainbow pouts, “I just... I don't think I like this.”
And with that she flies off... for a few seconds. She returns long enough to grab her sorbet before zooming off again. Compliments to the chef, I guess.
“Okay, hooves up everypony who didn't see that coming?” Pinkie Pie shatters the silence, raising her right hoof high into the air and wiggling it about, “Everypony?”
Applejack raises her right hoof, as does Golden. I tentatively follow but Fluttershy's remains fixed on her fork, still toying with her salad.
“Rainbow just cares a lot about this town,” She mumbles, “and she doesn't like to keep her feelings bottled up.”
I get the feeling the words 'like me' hang in the air after that statement.
“Mighty sorry this is our way of introductions, Golden,” Applejack apologizes, “we're usually much friendlier.”
“No! No, you guys are great, I'm just sorry I'm... the instrument of change around here, I guess.”
“Change is good though! Even if you have, like, one super-duper favourite flavour of cupcake, you can't have it every,” pause, “single,” pause, “day,” final dramatic pause, “or they just get sick of it. Then again, some ponies just like staying with their safe flavours and they don't want to try something new, even if they'd like it if they tried. You can't make them try. Well, I guess you can Princess Doctor Sparkle Butt, but...” Here she giggles instead of continuing her train of thought, “I just said 'butt' twice.”
“Yes Pinkie,” Applejack murmurs, bemused, “Yes you did.”
“Pinkie has a good point though,” I nod, “not everypony is going to like this. How do I know this is a good idea?”
“Well, if I may be so bold, could I offer a suggestion, Doctor Princess Sparkle?” Golden asks, somewhat tentatively at that. That elicits a smile from me.
“Of course, Golden. You've been perfectly 'bold' until this point, anyway, in case you hadn't noticed.”
Golden pales significantly, “Oh, dear, have I? I have, haven't I... oh, goodness, I'm so sorry, Doctor Princess Sparkle, it won't happen again--”
“That's a shame,” I interrupt, “because I was rather appreciating your candour. Seriously, just say what you were going to say, oh assistant mine.”
Golden coughs and readjusts her spectacles, composing herself, as Pinkie Pie buries her face into her gateau. “Well... why don't you just hold a vote?”
“A vote?”
“That sounds like a good idea,” Fluttershy agrees, “anonymous voting. Where nopony knows what you vote. Yes, that sounds... nice.”
Actually, that does sound like a good idea. I glance at Applejack, who shrugs amiably, “Sugarcube, you ain't gotta ask me what you want, being my humble lord and master and all, and same goes for everypony else here... but if a vote is what you want, heck, nopony stopping you from that, neither.”
Yeah... yeah, an honest to goodness vote, like the one I deprived Mayor Mare of. That sounds... that sounds good. Whilst I can't change how much power I have over Ponyville, I can at least change how much power it has over me, at the very least.
Pinkie Pie re-emerges from her cake to declare, “I vote for more parties!” before burying her face back into her dessert.
“I'll make sure to put that on the form,” I concede, wryly. “Anything else?”
Applejack shakes her head firmly, Fluttershy too with a little less conviction. Golden just watches me, waiting on my decision and Pinkie Pie... Pinkie Pie licks her plate clean.
“Well, great afternoon tea, everyone!” I smile as wide as I can, now that I actually have an idea of exactly what I'm doing. I try to find Toodlepip and get his attention.
Cheque, please!
Time to conclude my wonderful speech to my adoring public, and it's only taken me thirty three pages to do so, a new personal record for brevity! “So my wonderful new assistant, Golden Retriever – wave to the lovely crowd, Golden,” she does, and tentative is not nearly sufficient enough to describe her reaction, particularly when quite a few of the crowd snickers at the mention of her name, “has helped draft up the new zoning and planning for Ponyville. If all goes as planned, quality of life should skyrocket, as should wealth, health and a third rhyming thing.”
Two of the three members of the crowd still awake clap wearily, the third, Doctor Whooves, gives a rousing standing ovation. Looks like I found my target audience. The rest are obviously just trying to absorb all the information I've just thrown at them, it's a lot to take in.
“So I will be posting the plans for the new rezoning and total overhaul of Ponyville on the Town Hall door, along with idealised statistics for and against the change. Ponies will be free to vote over the course of the next two days. This is your benevolent dictator saying; thank you for your time.”
Friends start rousing friends from their little naps, informing that “It's over, oh thank Celestia it's over”, whatever that means. The voting's only just begun!
Golden follows me, two steps behind, somewhat anxiously. “So, we have two days before we tally the results... what should we do?”
I pull the rollydex from its place in my notes. “We're going on a recruiting drive to Canterlot, otherwise Filthy Rich is just going to build us a bunch of hollow buildings with nopony to fill them with. We're looking for the best and brightest in select fields and trying to poach them, to help make Ponyville Equestria's--”
“Scientific and cultural capital of the world,” Golden finishes for me, with a sigh. “No disrespect intended, Doctor Princess Sparkle, but you already mentioned that in your speech... several times. Actually, a lot. I was there for the whole thing.”
I chuckle, more than a little self consciously, “Oh right, so you were. And so I did.” More nervous chuckling should solve this! It doesn't? Darn it. “We should probably catch the first train out of Ponyville.” I steer us towards the train station. I'll send a letter to Spike when I get there, so my friends shouldn't be too worried, so long as somepony visits Spike.
Which they should. If they don't, well, their worry will be punishment on Spike's behalf.
“Well, you still need to return the one you borrowed, Doctor Princess,” Golden pointed out helpfully, “two birds, one stone?”
“What a violent metaphor. Did you ever think about that? I mean, really think about it? What an awful thing to do to a pair of birds.”
“Doctor Princess?”
“I mean, Fluttershy would have quite a lot to say on the matter,” I plough on, trying not to let me eyes look too shifty, “particularly if they got seriously hurt.”
Golden's eyes narrow in suspicion. “You're avoiding the issue, but I have no idea what the issue is. How can I help, Doctor Princess? I am at your beck and call and so forth.”
Darn it, sometimes I'm just as bad at faking something as Applejack. She's not very good either. I mean, there was this one time when we were hiding for one of Pinkie Pie's surprise parties, and Applejack ended up wrecking it by fighting with Pinkie Pie over whether it was dishonest or not. I mean, it was a surprise party that she didn't know the 'guest of honour' even wanted, so it wasn't like she was in the wrong, there, but-
“Doctor Princess?” Golden nudges my side, and my heart leaps at the physical contact because it is stupid, “You were just standing there, staring. You haven't said anything for a while now. It was getting kind of creepy.”
I cough awkwardly into a hoof. Right, well, no avoiding it now.
“Well, the thing is, a lot of the ponies on this list... we might not have been as close as Pinkie seems to think we were. I was really antisocial and introverted and... kind of a jerk... before I came to Ponyville and learned the magic of friendship.”
Golden stares at me silently for a few moments. I wonder if she's not just exacting some kind of revenge against me when she finally says, “You? A jerk? Really?”
I feel my cheeks heat up, because embarrassment is an autonomous response and I have yet to master my own, treacherous, body. “I didn't mean to be!” I protest, raising a hoof defensively, even as we near the station. “It was passive jerkiness. I just thought other ponies were,” and this sounds really, really stupid in retrospect, but it's true, “holding me back, or something. If they weren't teaching me something, I could have spent that time studying or... magicking stuff.”
“Magicking stuff?” Golden snickers, trying very hard not to let me see she's snickering and failing abysmally.
“This is a really awkward conversation for me to be having, okay?” I say, cheeks reaching ever redder hues. No matter how hard you try, or what spells you study, you can't go back in time and slap some sense into your past self. You have to learn to live with the mistakes you lived and learned from. Still, doesn't make remembering being that person any less unpleasant. “It's hard telling a pony you really like that you're not everything you're cracked up to be.”
Golden smiles reassuringly at me. “Well, I still like you too, Doctor Princess Sparkle.”
I smile weakly, then a bit stronger. It's nice hearing that she likes me too, but it's hard hearing it's in spite of something, rather than because of something. It taints the goodness a bit.
“Twilight! Wait!”
I turn and Rainbow Dash is soaring towards us at reckless speeds, even by her standards. “I saw you guys heading toward the train station? Where you going?”
“Canterlot,” I answer with a breathy sigh, “to find experts for Ponyville, just in case the vote goes through. We'll be back before the votes are tallied.” She looks panicked, and suddenly I'm a bit more concerned. Rainbow Dash doesn't panic easily. “Rainbow... what's the matter with you? I've never seen you this twitchy before. You might even pass for having Pinkie Sense.”
Rainbow glances over her shoulder at something? Nothing? Before turning back to me looking... annoyed? She's almost scowling, but I feel like it isn't at me. When she realises what she's doing she even manages to look downright apologetic.
“Nothing!” she says, far too quickly for it to be even remotely true, “Nothing's the matter with me. I was just... I mean, you're leaving.”
“Yes. On a business trip.”
“Cool, cool... and uh... you're going alone?”
“Actually, I'll be taking Golden Retriever with me. I'll probably need her help.”
“Oh, so you need her. Right.” She mutters, sounding downright miserable, eyes staring down at the ground below her as she hovers in place. “That's cool. I mean, she's really pretty and all, and your type, so I guess-”
“Hey!” I interrupt that train of thought before it can leave the station, glancing mortified at Golden beside me, who looks rather delighted by the praise, “Golden is coming with me in a purely professional fashion.”
“Yeah, well, don't let that stop you.” Rainbow smirks at me. I glare back at her and she recoils, looking away like I've physically slapped her. I'm about to apologize when she turns back to look at me, watery eyes and all, and just says “No way, I'm sorry, I was, like, way, way out of line just now. Just... sorry. I don't want you to just remember being annoyed at me if you're going, okay? I'll tell our friends, don't worry about it. You just... you two just have fun in Canterlot. Or not fun. Business. Go and have business in Canterlot and be businessy business ponies.”
Golden answers whilst I'm still speechless, working out what exactly I can say to that. Rainbow's been weird around me all day and I have no idea what's going on, and I don't like not knowing things. “We'll try, Rainbow. On behalf of Doctor Princess Sparkle, let me just say that we're very sorry you don't agree with the changes planned for Ponyville, but we really do think it's for the best.”
Rainbow’s muscles tighten visibly and she bristles, “Hey! Twilight can talk for herself plenty well enough without you, okay?”
Now Golden looks incredibly hurt, like she's been physically punched in the gut. She's gone very pale and I think she's about to cry... yeah, well, one of her heroes did just snap at her, so I suppose I can understand why. I turn back to Rainbow, fully expecting myself to be furious with her, because at that moment Golden said exactly what I wished I could say, but Rainbow looks... she looks like she's beating herself up about it enough. She's literally kicking herself and mumbling something I can't hear.
“Oh geeze, oh geeze, I'm sorry, Golden, I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve that. That was me, that was all me, totally not your fault. I'm just... I don't know!” She moans, “I don't know, okay! Just...” and now she deflates, all that hiss and steam leaking out of her like the air out of my balloon. “Sorry.”
And with that she zooms off in the other direction as fast as she possibly can, banging a hoof against her skull in a self-chastising gesture I recognise far too well.
Golden nods weakly, wiping tears out of her eyes. I don't think she's quite bought it yet, but still...
Celestia's sake, Rainbow, what is wrong with you today?
That whole exchange was just bad and weird.
“Is there anything you need to pick up from the library particularly urgently, Golden?”
She thinks about it for a moment, sniffling, before shaking her head slowly.
“Good, neither do I, so we can leave as soon as possible. I have a feeling we need to get some distance from Ponyville for a while, at least until the votes over. If this is how my friends are acting...” I shudder. “Let's go. We've got a train to catch.”
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You know, a nasty little part of me is saying that Rainbow just doesn't want someone to come to town and show her up.
Seriously, though, there's something here, and you've got me on the hook to find out what it is.
... Wow. Really Twi?
Such oblivious. Much clueless.
Oh yes, I almost forgot, you can buy my kid's book on the iBookstore now. So please do.
I half expect someone to stuff the ballot box
I still giggle every time I read "Doctor Princess"
th09.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/355/8/b/doctor_princess_by_cybertoaster-d5opglz.png
i loved reading it, touch i feel rainbow is a little jealous of golden
Poor Rainbow, she sees what is going on and she wants Twilight too. I feel sad for her now because I know Twilight wants Golden and not her.
Oblivious Twi is oblivious
Well, we can't have all comedy with no signs of anything serious now, can we? Still a great chapter, loved every part of it
Rainbow Dash be jealouuususssssss.
Oh, great. Shipping. That just Killed the Whole Story for me right there. Taking good time and writing away from the intricacies of Twilight's political machinations and speeches to focus on a developing equilateral love triangle (Earth Pony at the top, unicorn on the left point, Pegasus at the right point!)
I mean, honestly, what's next? Golden Retriever spends her time on the train trying to decide between doodling "Mrs. Doctor Princess Golden Sparkle" and "Mrs. Golden Dash (Not Rainbow Retriever)" in her notebook with little hearts?
Before reading comment:
Hmm... Definitely an interesting concept... Let's read and find out how good it is!
Twilight Sparkle, you are an idiot.
Oh Dash...
4922813
Yes, but she's our idiot.
Oh no! Twilight is trying to get hipsters to come and ruin Ponyville! Hipsters ruin everything!
And why does the way Pinkie acts in this story remind me of Varrick from Legend of Korra?
4922833
I can guarantee Pinkie Pie doesn't hang upside down to have all her great ideas.
Instead, she cartwheels. It makes the tips of her hooves all tingly as well as make her a thinky-dinky-Pinkie Pie
4922846
Then she needs a Zhu Li.
*explosion!
4922779
I may be mistaken, but hasn't this story had a romance tag since the beginning?
...or was it one of those stories that changed its tags?
4922907
This might explain it. Don't spoil it for others, though.
4922912
I kinda read that original post as "how dare the author not match MY expectations of the story! It's positively ruined now!"
I get the feeling Rainbow wasn't really joking as much as she seemed to be with that "Twilight's all mine" bit in the restaurant.
4922952
Probably not. Silly of her, when there's much better optio-*gets beaten to death before a ship discussion starts*
4922943
Don't worry about it, Norm's actually a treasured acquaintance of mine
4922966
Tchernobog, I didn't think I could pry you away from a shipping conversation even if I had a very large, very solid crowbar to work with. With which to work.
4922970
I have no idea what you're talking about!
4922979
Shall we just courteously ignore your profile picture for the duration of this conversation?
Just out of idle curiosity, though, the same curiosity that killed the fabled cat I hasten to append... better options for Dash? I would presume you meant AJ but, as we all know, I am pointedly ignoring your profile picture.
4922987
Hey, you're saying it, not me!
so, please tell me that there's an eventual twidash on in here. she's a princess, so she can have more than one marefriend!
First Twi was crushing on Pinkie. Then she was crushing on Dashie. Then Golden. I think she has looked at Rarity's plot a few times too. And she has never actually STOPPED crushing on any of them.
Is this secretly a harem story? Hoping real hard.
4922891
"Maud Pie! Do the thing!"
Or, if you are a Quizzical affecionado, maybe "Quizzie! Do the thing!"
4922741
Threesomes. Solve. Everything.
4923021 What's that suppose to mean? Do you think I'm misinterpretting? Cause I could be, it is a bit ambiguous. Although you might be right about it being a harem story, I mean Twilight can make anything legal right? Maybe Dashie isn't out of luck after all.
4923021
4923034
I approve of the harem idea! But we'll see where 4922987 is taking us~
4923021
Both Maud and Quiz would make excellent Zhu Li's for Pinkie. Given her a stoic assistant would be hilarious.
So, when does Golden find that passage on Royal Harems?
4923034
"Look Twilight, it's no big deal. The vote went your way, fair and square."
"But...it's just, you seem so upset by it. Is there something I can do to make up for it?"
Rainbow placed a hood to her chin, appearing to think hard. A cheeky grin slowly spread across her face. "How about my place, tonight. We could do some studying. I'd like that."
Twilight blinked. "Studying?"
"Yeah. I was thinking maybe the finer points of pegasus anatomy, savvy?"
Twilight turned beet red, her mouth flapping about for a moment. "D-Dash! T-that's highly inna-" She paused, and appeared to think. Suddenly she seemed to come to a decision. "Alright, but only if Golden Retriever can come too."
"Naw it's okay Twi, I was just wait what?!" She gaped for a second, then started laughing. "Aw, oh ha, ha! No, see, I was teasing ya. I didn't mean actual studying!"
"Yes, you meant a sexual encounter. I agree, but only if Golden can join."
"......" *Pomf*
"Rainbow?"
4923062
On the flip side, given Pinkie and Discord's current arrangement, it is quite possible one may ask the other to do the thing instead. Granted, neither one are Zhu Li material, but Discord is an amoral and self centered individual who nonetheless manages to be amusing and charming, and can even be fairly gracious.
Given what they are capable of, I am actually kind of terrified of what would happen if Discord were to say "Pinkie Pie, do the thing!"
4923074
I think it is right after the law about all cake being the property of the sovereign of the realm.
4923034
Twilight's first law: Mandatory book club for all citizens. All from Twilight's approved reading list of course.
4922943
Yeah, I offered to do it to get the whole thing out of the way. :P
4923143
Any sufficiently advanced troll is indistinguishable from a genuine kook.
4923077 Haha, that would be awesome! It'd be cute and sexy at the same time!
4923102 Yep! Twilight's second law: There's no such thing as too many Universities. Twilight's third law: Polyamory is not only legal, but encouraged.
4922714 With random letters and muffins?
4923021
Don't forget, she has also apparently had a crush on Big Mac as well.
Oh past Twilight...
Don't be antisocial, be asocial!
there's a difference!
...I'll go now
Emotions that can cause violent outbursts:
Fear
Panic
Anger
Hatred
Jealousy
Envy
Lust
Love
Make of that list what you will.
But seriously, this was a funny--yet intriguing--chapter. The puppy/kitten-kicking debate had me in stitches.
I think the question got flipped around somewhere in there.
So Dash wasn't just upset about not being able to handle a few goons, she's upset about looking weak in front of her crush?
4923015
For all we know Golden is straight and not interested at all, really. She's been reacting to direct complements she's not used to receiving from a bunch of ponies she admires that sometimes put her in awkward situations, and not specifically Twilight. So far Twilight just happens to be the one she has to be with all the time because it's her job, but I can't really recall an instance where she's specifically interested in Twilight in a non platonic sense, only RD has done that so far.
For all we know it could yet go into "Simple Ways" territory, after all one of Twilight's doctorates could easily be in be in Awkward.
Caught me off guard for a moment because an answer of "No" here would be what Pinkie is hoping for. Quite a good chapter, though. It'll be interesting to see how much more of her hoof Rainbow can cram into her mouth before this conflict is resolved.
Oh, how I enjoy this story!
I never want it to end.
4923290
I was about to be "that guy," until I saw your comment. Eh, I guess I still will be.
I have inserted the missing word in red letters.
MrNumbers, if you happen to read this, I can only hope you see this as us trying to help you, rather than attacking or making fun of you for such errors.
That was fun. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
There are puns, there are good puns, there are great puns, and there's "Oxfjord". I fell out of my chair. I'll be sending you the medical bill.
Puppies vs Kittens - lol
and yes, at this rate the only valid option will be the Harem route.