• Published 12th Nov 2013
  • 1,838 Views, 78 Comments

An Itch You Can't Scratch - Bad_Seed_72

Derpy get herpes. Or does she? Either way, Carrot Top's day is about to be turned upside-down.

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Ponyville Urgent Care

Ponyville Urgent Care

“Good afternoon, sir.” A weary, tired receptionist greeted the latest patient in the waiting room of the Ponyville Urgent Care with a nasally twang in her voice and eyes glued to the latest copy of Hoof Beat. “What do you need to be seen for today?”

“Um…” The stallion chewed on his bottom lip and shuffled his hooves. “I, um… need to have the doctors, um… remove something from my… um…”

The receptionist looked up from her magazine and raised an eyebrow. “Remove something, sir?”

“Y-yeah.” Chuckling nervously, the stallion rubbed the back of his neck and swished his tail. “You see, um, er, my friend and I, we were, um, hanging out, and uh, well, I um, accidentally, uh, you know, sat on, a, um—”

“Fill out these forms and wait over there,” the receptionist said, handing him a clipboard with several sheets of parchment and a fresh quill. She pointed back towards the waiting area, then stared at her magazine again. The small, yellow stallion nodded and ran a forehoof nervously through his brown mane before trotting bow-legged back to his seat.

“Dumbass,” the receptionist muttered as she reached for a piece of gum. Just as she’d started on her freshest piece of Double Bubble, she heard hooves trot into the clinic and approach her desk. Looking up, she could only roll her eyes and sigh. “Good afternoon. How can I help you three?”

“Um, well…” Carrot nudged Derpy in the shoulder and pushed her forward. “Our friend here needs to see a doctor.”

“Uh-huh.” The receptionist set down her magazine and reached for a fresh stack of forms. “What for?”

“Well…” Berry Punch cleared her throat and gave Derpy a supportive pat on the back. “Why does the doctor need to see you today, Derpy?”

“My… my muffin itches,” Derpy said quietly.

The receptionist raised an eyebrow.

“It’s… it’s an itch I…” Derpy looked up to her friends before finishing, “Can’t scratch.”

The receptionist raised both eyebrows.

“Ahem! Well, uh…” Berry Punch rubbed the back of her neck and offered the receptionist an uneasy smile. “Yeah, so. She needs to see a doctor. For that itch.”

“Her.. mu…” The receptionist gasped, reading between the unwritten lines. “Oh, my sweet Luna. Alright, alright.” Fumbling with the paperwork, she quickly passed a few forms and a quill over to the ashamed pegasus. “Fill these out, will you, honey? And don’t you worry,” she said, forcing a smile across her muzzle. “We’ll have somepony see you right away.”

“Thank you,” Carrot said with a smile as she and Berry Punch began to lead Derpy to a seat in the waiting area.

“You’re welcome!” the receptionist said, mustering an even bigger smile.

Once the three mares had taken a seat, the receptionist shuddered as she looked down at her magazine. “Dear, sweet Celestia, I’d better find out who buttered that mare’s muffin before I get the herp myself…”


“It’s gonna be alright, Derpy,” Carrot Top said as she patted her friend on the shoulder.

“But… but… I don’t get it!” Derpy exclaimed, looking nervously between Berry and Carrot. “What’s wrong?”

“The doctor will explain everything, once they find out what exactly is causing that… rash,” Berry Punch said, patting Derpy’s other shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay. Just try and relax.”

“Okay…” Derpy sighed and took a deep breath, fighting the urge to reach down and scratch herself or rub her flanks together. Both Berry and Carrot had forced her to trot normally on their way there, stating that it was doing her far more harm than good. All she could do was dream of that bag of frozen peas balanced between her flanks.

Time in a waiting room never passes by justly. Berry Punch and Carrot Top refrained from exchanging hushed whispers regarding their friend’s condition, passing the time with nervous glances towards each other and repeated assurances to Derpy Hooves.

Celestia, this is going to be a long day! Carrot sighed inwardly. But hey, you’re doing something good for a friend. Just think about that. Yeah… good deeds. Yeah.

As her stomach growled in protest, Carrot audibly sighed and thought with a shake of her head, A mare can’t subsist on good deeds alone… ohhh, geez, I can practically hear that pasta calling my name…

“Derpy Hooves?”

The three looked up to see a nurse-mare standing near the front of the clinic, clipboard in hoof. Carrot Top immediately recognized her as Nurse Redheart, who had taken care of Berry, Derpy, and herself during the notorious “baked bads” incident.

A slight smile spread across both Carrot’s and Berry’s muzzles as they approached her. Derpy, however, found a goofy grin growing on her face. “Nurse Redheart!” she said as she trotted up to her. “It’s good to see you again!”

“Good to see you too, Derpy!” Redheart said with a smile. “Although…” Looking down at the clipboard, a worried frown replaced her pleasant demeanor. “I wish it wasn’t under these circumstances…”

“Oh… yeah…” Derpy forced a laugh and struggled not to itch as she walked behind Nurse Redheart, with Carrot Top and Berry Punch in tow.

As she led the three through a hallway within the clinic, Nurse Redheart turned and offered both Berry and Carrot a kind smile. “It sure was nice of you two to bring your friend here!”

“No problem,” Berry said. “Always…” She shot a glare at Carrot Top. “Nice to help a friend.”

“It sure is,” Carrot added with a smirk.

“You are lucky to have such good friends, Derpy,” Redheart said as she opened a door to an exam room and ushered them inside.

Inside the exam room was a steel table protected with a strip of clean, white paper. Across from the table were two chairs, which Berry and Carrot promptly occupied. Beside the table were a set of counters with labeled cabinets underneath them. Carrot Top squinted to read the tiny writing on each labeled cabinet.

Tongue depressors… cotton balls… gauze… okay, okay… Catheter tubes. Forceps, and... "A. scopes"? What are "A. scopes"?

“Now, Derpy, could you please sit on the table for me?” Redheart asked.

“Sure!” Derpy replied in a cheerful tone of voice. She hopped up on the table and sat on her haunches, letting her hindhooves dangle over the side.

“Good.” Nurse Redheart glanced at the clipboard again. “Okay, so… it says you began having an intense itching sensation in your… privates… today, around five P.M. Is that correct?”

“Yes,” Derpy said, looking around the room. “Haha!” She pointed at one of the posters on the wall. “Look at that kitten! It’s about to fall from that tree branch, and it’s saying, ‘Hang in there, baby!’”

Berry Punch stifled a laugh with a forehoof, while Carrot Top just face-hoofed. Thank Celestia she’s got a short attention span… I think I just figured out what “A. scopes” are… Gaaaaaaaah! Her stomach gurgled again, but not out of hunger.

Redheart kept a stern expression on her muzzle. “Mmhmm. Yes. And you said scratching didn’t help?”

Derpy shook her head. “No, ma’am… Hey, what are all those E’s on the wall for?”

“That’s a vision chart,” Redheart said flatly, still going over the patient’s paperwork with a keen eye. “And you didn’t try using any cream, right?”

“That’s right,” Berry chimed in, raising a forehoof. Nurse Redheart glanced over her way. “Derpy, um, accidentally, er, showed us the rash, and I told her it was best not to use the cream.”

“Well, you are probably right,” Redheart said as she put the clipboard down on the countertop. “Though, until we complete an examination and get some bloodwork done, we won’t know for sure. Now…”

The nurse cleared her throat. “While it was very nice of you two to bring your friend here, the examination for this particular…” She glanced at Derpy, who was currently enthralled with a simple painting of a stream and bridge near the edge of Ponvyille. “Condition is something most ponies would like to undergo privately.”

“Oh, I see,” Carrot said, blushing at the nurse’s implications. “C’mon, Berry,” she said as she rose to her hooves, “let’s wait for Derpy outside.”

Berry Punch held back a giggle as she stood up to her hooves and nodded. Carrot Top’s forehoof had just brushed against the doorknob when Derpy cried, “Wait!”

“Yes, Derpy?” Berry Punch asked, looking over her shoulder.

“Wh-where are you two going?” Derpy asked, her voice shaking.

Carrot placed her forehoof firmly on the doorknob. “We’ll be in the waiting room, Derpy. The nurse needs to examine you now and do some tests.”

“But… but…”

Nurse Redheart walked up to the side of the table and offered Derpy a reassuring smile. “Now, Derpy, this won’t hurt a bit. I’ll just have to examine the… affected area and then take a small blood draw. It won’t hurt at all, I promise.”

“But…” Derpy looked nervously between her friends and the nurse, all of whom were glancing sideways at her. “But… but… but you two said you’d be there to take me to the doctor!”

“And we did, Derpy,” Berry said, a hint of exasperation in her voice. “We brought you to the doctor—nurse, actually. Sorry,” she said, bowing her head a little to Redheart.

“That’s quite alright,” Redheart said, shrugging it off.

“Thanks. Anyway, Derpy, you’re here, and Nurse Redheart is gonna do what she needs to do to take care of your little problem,” Berry explained. “Carrot and I will just be down the hall and in the waiting room. Okay?”

Derpy bit her lip in a pout. “But… but—”

“Derpy, you’re a grown mare, for Celestia’s sake!” Carrot blurted, furrowing her brow and flattening her ears. “The nurse is just gonna look at your…” She gagged. “Muffin and take a blood sample! It won’t even take five minutes!”

“But… but, guys, I’m scared!” Derpy said, shivers running up and down her spine. She began to tremble in her hooves. “What if… what if something’s wrong with me?” She whimpered, waves of fear rushing through her.

“Now, now,” Redheart said gently, placing a forehoof on Derpy’s shoulder, “they make medications that can control that, dear.”

“That can control what?” Derpy shot back, turning around to face Redheart. “What’s wrong with me? Do I have cancer?”

Both Carrot and Berry face-hoofed.

“No, sweetie,” Redheart said in firm yet gentle tone. “A rash down on your nethers doesn’t signify cancer.”

“But—but! What if you take my blood and then it turns out I have cancer in my blood?”

“Derpy,” Carrot said, pointing a forehoof at the mare, “that’s ridiculous, and you know it!”

“It could happen!” Derpy protested, throwing up her forehooves in a nervous shrug. “It happened to this mare in Fillydelphia once!”

“Mare in Fillydelphia?” Berry asked, tilting her head. “What was her name?”

“Does it matter?” Derpy said as she wrapped her hooves around herself. “Guys, I could be dying right now and you just wanna walk out on me!”

Nurse Redheart face-hoofed out of Derpy’s sight.

“Look, Derpy, we’re not gonna sit here and watch the nurse spread your flanks, okay?” Carrot stomped a hoof on the floor. “We brought you here and we helped you check in. This’ll only take a few minutes. You’re a grown mare. Now, we’re going,” she deadpanned as she turned the doorknob.

Carrot Top hadn’t taken more than two steps out of the exam room before she felt a great tugging at her hindhooves. Lying on the floor, her wings spread, tears rolling from her eyes, Derpy cried as she clung to Carrot’s hindhooves, “Pleeeeeease, Carrot! Pleeeeeeeease! Pleeeeeeease don’t leave me, you guys!!”

“Miss Hooves, that’s enough,” Nurse Redheart said sternly, nipping at the end of Derpy’s tail. “This is a simple examination and blood draw! You’re going to be just fine!”

“I’m dyiiiiiiiiing!” Derpy wailed as she threw her head back, whining and whimpering in between cries. “My muffin is dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!”

Carrot yanked her hooves out of Derpy’s grasp. “For crying out loud, Derpy!”

“Derpy,” Berry said, turning to face her, “knock it off. You’re not dying, you don’t have cancer, and you’re gonna be fine. Nurse Redheart is just going to ask you some questions, look at your rash, take some blood, and that’s it!”

“Questions?” Derpy sniffled and rubbed at one of her eyes, flinching slightly as Nurse Redheart began dragging her by the tail towards the examination table. “What kind of questions?”

“Like… urgh…” Nurse Redheart grunted and paused, exhaling from the exertion of moving the distraught pegasus. “How many stallions have you been with?” she asked coldly, her furrowed brow preventing her from any semblance of sympathy.

“How many stallions have I been with?!” Derpy said incredulously. “I—I’ve been with tons of stallions!”

Carrot Top and Berry Punch shared, in one glance, a look of confusion, disgust, and envy. “Wh-what?!” Carrot exclaimed, closing the door and whirling around. “T-tons? What do you mean by tons, Derpy?”

“All the time!” Derpy said as she rose to her hooves, shaking with fear. “Tons of them! Every day and every night!”

Silence befell the room.

“... Different ones?” Berry Punch asked, her eyes wide.

Derpy nodded. “Of course! I don’t wanna be with the same stallion all the time!” she said, rolling her eyes a bit at their oblivion.

Nurse Redheart bit her lip. “O… kay… what about… mares?”

Derpy nodded again. “Mares too! I’m with mares all the time!”

Carrot and Berry shared that same look again, jaws agape and eyes wide. “S-say, Derpy,” Berry began, digging at imaginary earwax in her perked ears, “since when did you become the town bicycle?”

“Bicycle?” Derpy asked, tilting her head from side to side. “What’s a bicycle?”


Nurse Redheart had grabbed her clipboard in one forehoof and held a sharp quill in the other. “Young mare,” she said between her teeth, staring straight at Derpy Hooves, “you are going to tell me each and every stallion and mare you’ve been with. Right now.”

Her previous hypochondria (and subsequent hysteria) apparently forgotten, Derpy immediately perked up with a smile and a chuckle. “Oh! Sure! Umm… where should I start?”

“What stallion were you with most recently?” Berry Punch asked, her eyes still glazed over with dripping fascination. Carrot, too, looked at her roommate in complete bewilderment. How the hay can she be keeping all those beds warm at night when I can’t even find somepony to share a plate of pasta with?!

Derpy tapped her chin. “Let’s see… hmmm…”

“You… you don’t remember?” Berry’s eyes nearly popped out of her skull. “How can you not remember, Derpy?”

“Well, like I said, I’m with a lot of ponies all the time!” Derpy said with a shrug. “Hmm… It was that one traveling stallion…”

Berry shook her head and muttered under her breath, low enough so that only Carrot could hear, “A drifter? Really, Derpy?”

“I think it was… what’s his name…”

“You don’t even know his name?” Carrot asked, scoffing a little in her disbelief. Okay, she wasn’t exactly beaten with the ugly stick, but still… Celestia, Derpy!

“Never mind! I remember now,” Derpy declared with pride. “His name is Ti—”