• Published 12th Nov 2013
  • 1,834 Views, 78 Comments

An Itch You Can't Scratch - Bad_Seed_72



Derpy get herpes. Or does she? Either way, Carrot Top's day is about to be turned upside-down.

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The Nurse, The Doctor, And Carrot's Lover

The Nurse, The Doctor, And Carrot's Lover

“Time turner! Get your time turners here!” the stallion called out from his stand, gesturing with a forehoof to his myriad of time-keeping devices. Hourglasses—or “time turners,” as he was fond of referring to them—were his signature product, but clocks, pocket watches, and even hoof-band watches were proudly arranged alongside his most prominent item.

Though nearly every other merchant had packed up for the evening, Time Turner was still hard at work, a slave to the midnight oil. Although he traveled from town to town to sell his wares, the stallion nevertheless was proud to call Ponyville home, and even rented a small room in a friend’s house most of the year.

“Time turners! Get your time turners here! Clocks, too! Pocket watches and hoof-watches and—”

He paused as he saw two potential customers approaching through the dusk. Both were very beautiful mares. One he recognized from the local tavern, while the other he swore he’d bought a few carrots from earlier that day. “Why, hello, fillies!” he greeted flirtatiously, running a forehoof through his mane as he leaned against his stand.

“Are… you… Time Turner?” Berry Punch asked between breaths.

He’d better be, or we just ran our flanks all over town for nothing! Carrot struggled to catch her breath, shaking her head and cursing Derpy as she stood beside Berry with aching hooves.

“But of course!” Turner said with a wink. “Now, what can I get for you two lovely fillies? An hourglass, perhaps? How about a hoof-watch to compliment that lovely shade of coat and mane?”

“Cut with the crap, Casanova,” Carrot snapped, rising up to meet him. She threw her forehooves on the stand and glared at the stallion.

“Something wrong?” he asked, backing away slightly. “Did your clock stop working? Sand run out of your hourglass?”

“No!” Berry Punch leaned up on the stand next to Carrot. “But you did give our friend the gift that keeps on giving, didn’t you?”

“I’m… I’m not sure what you mean,” Turner replied, shifting his gaze from one angered mare to another. “I assure you, ladies, if I sold you a faulty timepiece, all sales come with a lifetime warr—”

“Derpy! We’re talking about Derpy!” Carrot growled, cutting him off with a wave of her forehoof. “You gave Derpy the…” She fought back the urge to gag. “The… the.. the—”

“Herpes!” Berry shouted, lurching forward and pointing a forehoof at him. “You gave Derpy the herpes, you mother—”

“I did no such thing!” Time Turner protested, throwing up both forehooves in surrender as he backed away from the mares. “I didn’t even…” He opened and closed his mouth as his eyes widened. “Sleep with her!” he spat, the words rolling filthy off his tongue.

“Horseapples!” Carrot shot back. “She said you were the last stallion she’s been with!”

Berry nodded. “And this just happened, so it’s probably you who gave it to her!”

“I assure you, I did no such thing!”

“Oh yeah?” Carrot challenged, “Then come down to the Urgent Care clinic and get your blood drawn!”

Time Turner scoffed and approached his stand, grabbing a burlap sack as he did so. “I will do no such thing! I’m sorry, but while I do consider Derpy to be a very good friend… albeit a bit strange sometimes,” he said, muttering a bit from the corner of his muzzle, “I can never see us being more than friends. Not that it is any of your business, but I am clean, anyway.”

“Yeah, right,” Berry said with a snicker, rolling her eyes.

“Well, since you and I will not be sleeping together anytime soon, it doesn’t matter whether or not you believe me,” he replied with a roll of his own eyes, shooting a glare at Berry Punch.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Berry scoffed. “Too good for me, are you?”

“Berry! This isn’t helping!” Carrot snapped, glaring at her.

“Oh.” Berry gave her mane, tail, and coat a self-conscious once-over. “Right,” she said distractedly.

“Look,” Carrot said, turning to the stallion, “this is for your benefit as much as hers. If something happened between you and Derpy—”

Nothing did!” He continued packing away his wares, shooting daggers at both of them as he worked. “Now, if you two don’t want to buy something, run along!”

“Well, fine, then!” Carrot said with a snarl as she hopped down from the stand. “Go on! Keep spreading your disease to unsuspecting mares!”

As he shoved a box of pocket watches into his bag, Turner said firmly, “I have no disease to spread!”

“Oh yeah?” Berry said as she started to turn away, “Well, unless you put your blood where your mouth is, as far as we’re concerned, you might have!” She looked over her shoulder at him. “And we wouldn’t want that getting around at the bar, now, would it?”

Turner froze, nearly dropping the sack out of his mouth. “You—you wouldn’t!”

“Like I hay I wouldn’t!” Berry called out as she and Carrot Top began walking away. “Certainly won’t help your chances with that Twilight Sparkle, now, will it?”

A blush spreading across his cheeks, Time Turner stomped both hooves on the ground and shook his muzzle angrily. “Fine! Fine!” he yelled as he clenched his eyes shut. “Fine! I’ll go get your little blood test, alright?!”

Berry Punch and Carrot Top stopped in their tracks. Before they looked back to Time Turner, they shared a knowing smirk and triumphant chuckle.

Got him, Berry. Right by the short, purple hairs.

~

“Good after—oh, it’s just you two.” The receptionist plastered her eyes once more to her magazine, not even noticing the grumbling stallion Berry Punch and Carrot Top dragged in through the doors.

“I’m telling you—you’re wasting your time!” Turner protested, grinding his teeth as the two mares pulled him by his forehooves through the clinic’s waiting room and down the hallway.

“It’ll just be a little prick,” Berry said with a smirk and a mocking tone. “Just like—”

“Berry!” Carrot started to retch. “C’mon!” At this rate, even when I do get to go home, I won’t even want to THINK about eating!

“How uncouth,” Turner mumbled, shaking his head.

“What was that?” Berry glanced at him with an unamused expression.

“Nothing, dearest,” he replied with a scowl.

The three stopped in front of the same examination room, where Nurse Redheart could be heard from beyond the door. Hoping that Derpy was decent and hadn’t resorted to more crying fits—or, worse, was flashing her bits—Carrot knocked on the door. “Derpy? Nurse Redheart?”

After a brief pause, the door opened slightly, a very annoyed-looking Nurse Redheart standing in the doorway. “Ah, yes. Carrot Top. Berry Punch,” she said, acknowledging them each with a glance. She moved back at the sight of the stallion. “And you are?”

“Time Turner. I was blackmailed into getting an STD test,” he said coldly, flaring his nostrils and glaring at each of his captors.

Nurse Redheart rolled her eyes and scowled. “Well, that won’t be necessary, actually.”

“What?!” Carrot Top and Berry Punch blurted in unison.

“See? I told you two I was clean!” Turner said with a victorious grin as he wrestled out of their grasp and crossed his forehooves over his chest.

“Actually,” Redheart said as she opened the door wider, revealing a sheepish Derpy Hooves sitting on the examination table, “it looks like one of us was a bit confused about the screening questions.”

“Screening questions?” Carrot repeated.

And,” Redheart continued, offering Derpy a momentary, sympathetic frown, “one of us wasn’t told exactly what the others thought was going on.”

Berry and Carrot looked to each other, then to Derpy, then to Nurse Redheart in confusion. “What… what are you saying, Nurse Redheart?” Berry asked.

“What I’m saying,” Redheart explained as she gestured for the three to come in, “is that nopony told Derpy what they suspected she had. While she thought she had a simple rash…” She sighed and brought a forehoof to her face as she muttered, “Or cancer…” Redheart looked up to face the three again. “Everypony else thought she had… herpes.”

Though she’d already heard the word a few times before in the previous minutes, Derpy still gasped at its mentioning.

“But—but she had the herp walk and everything!” Berry Punch objected, pointing at the pegasus. “She walked like she was trying to hold something down there!”

Well, it looks like I won’t be eating tonight, after all. Both Carrot Top and Time Turner turned a previously undiscovered shade of green at that rationalization.

Redheart rolled her eyes. “That’s the way anypony walks when they have an itch down there! Even with a regular rash caused by an allergy. Which is exactly what this was.”

“Alright, that’s good to hear,” Carrot said, relieved that this ordeal was finally over (although the idea of pasta waiting for her at the end of it only made her stomach weep even more). “But how can you be so sure?”

“Well, for one, when I asked Derpy how many ponies she’d been with—”

“I thought she was asking who’d I been hanging out with!” Derpy finished, looking up meekly at her two friends and confused acquaintance. “I didn’t think she meant…” She blushed and struggled to keep her wings tucked in at her sides. “Private stuff!

Berry blinked and brought a forehoof to her chin as she slumped forward in her seat. “Wait, so does that mean you’re—”

“Let’s just say, no STD test was needed,” Nurse Redheart said curtly. “Instead, we did a few quick tests for possible allergens, as well as examined Miss Hooves’s eating habits. It appears that she is fond of binge-eating, especially on refined carbohydrates and sugar.”

Carrot Top blew a raspberry. “I could’ve told you that!” Geez, where did you get your nursing degree? Clown college?

However,” Nurse Redheart continued as she held up a forehoof, “Miss Hooves was unaware that she has a slight wheat allergy, which manifests itself in an itchy rash and clusters of hives that become painful and blistered when itched.”

Silence.

“... Ohhhh… okaaaaaaay…” Berry Punch tapped her chin before looking up at the nurse once more. “But, er… why is she getting that rash… you know, there?

Nurse Redheart looked over at Derpy Hooves, meeting her gaze.

She turned back to Carrot Top, Berry Punch, and Time Turner.

“Let’s not go there.”

~

“I’m sooooo sorry you got dragged into this, Turner!”

The stallion gave her a kind smile. “That’s alright, Derpy. No harm, no foul. As for you two,” he said, looking over his shoulder to scowl at Carrot Top and Berry Punch, “you’d better not show your muzzles around my stand again, unless you’re buying something!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…” Berry Punch scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Whatever, timey-wimey.”

“What’s that?” Turner narrowed his eyes.

Derpy Hooves placed a hoof on his shoulder and forced him to face forward as they walked. “Forget about it. Berry’s just mad she gets the…” She sniggered. “Town bicycle award now.”

“Hey!” Berry called out as she and Carrot followed closely behind them. “I heard that!”

Carrot Top rolled her eyes and ignored the little tirade that was soon to follow. She sighed as they walked from Ponyville Hospital back into the heart of town, passing by rows and rows of sleepy homes and lone streetlights. What a day… that was ridiculous. And to think it all could’ve been prevented if Derpy didn’t empty the damn fridge…

Turning back to her friend, roommate, and disgruntled acquaintance, Carrot couldn’t help but smile. Ah, well, now that she’s gotten a good medical scolding and a reason to lay off the sweets, maybe I can actually keep… certain baked goods in the house again, she thought, not ready to use the term “muffin” right now (if ever).

Once they reached Berry Punch’s house, Carrot Top gave her a quick hug and a word of thanks before departing again. While Derpy lead her totally-just-a-friend-and-not-a-potential-coltfriend Time Turner back to his place, Carrot Top made her way back to her own home.

As soon as key met lock, Carrot Top relaxed for the first time in several hours, letting her shoulders sag and her eyelids droop. Locking the door behind her, Carrot clicked the lights on and breathed a sigh of relief.

“What a day… horseapples…” Trotting over to the couch, Carrot let herself fall backwards and sink into the cushions, no longer caring about pasta or cider or just about anything. One hay of a long day, and it’ll be another big day tomorrow. Gotta harvest the very last of the carrots and sell ‘em all. Then I’ll probably get some temp work helping Daisy, Lily, and Rose with their gardens and stands…

At least winter is coming…

Before she knew it, Carrot Top had fallen asleep. She awoke about fifteen minutes later to the slamming of a door and the giggling of a mare.

Creaking her eyes open, Carrot groaned. “Derpy, can’t you see I’m napping here?”

“Oh! S-sorry, Carrot.” Derpy walked up to the side of the couch and folded her wings to her sides. “Didn’t mean to wake you,” she whispered.

“That’s fine,” Carrot said, closing her eyes again. “I’m glad you’re fine, too. It’s just been a long day, is all.”

“Oh. I understand,” Derpy whispered.

Carrot nodded. “Uh-huh.”

“Thanks again for taking me to the clinic, Carrot Top,” Derpy whispered, a smile on her muzzle.

“You’re welcome. And you don’t have to whisper,” Carrot muttered, letting the warmth of the couch cushions begin to lull her back into a blissful nap.

Derpy giggled. “Oh, okay.”

“Mmhmm.”

In her mind’s eye, it was another day—a day much like this one. Except that, when she walked through the door, there was no Derpy Hooves hiding in the fridge. There was no bizarre medical emergency or a snarky Berry Punch. There was no distraught Time Turner or aggravated Nurse Redheart, or receptionist reading a porno mag in the waiting room like it was a normal thing for ponies to do.

There was just Carrot Top and her pasta… a love that stood the test of time… and, to spice things up, a third lover in the room: a perfect bottle of Apple Family cider…

“Hey, Carrot?”

Carrot Top opened one eye and sleepily answered, “Yes?”

“Um…” Derpy bit her lip and fidgeted with her forehooves. “You know… you know all those noodles in the cupboard? And the rolls, too?”

“... Yes?”

“Um… you… you probably shouldn’t eat those, either.”

Carrot Top opened both eyes. “... All of the pasta?”

Derpy looked at the floor. “Carrot, I’m so sorry…”

“... All of the bread?”

“I’m so, so sorry.”

Carrot Top felt a single tear roll down her cheek.

Derpy looked up. “Are you okay, Carrot?”

“Go away, Derpy Hooves,” she said coldly, closing her eyes and sniffling.

Derpy took a step forward. “Are you—”

“Just go away! I need to be alone!” Carrot cried, burying her muzzle in her forehooves.

Distraught, Derpy slinked away into her room, keeping her head low.

Damn you, Derpy, Carrot Top thought, visions of a perfect Neightalian meal disappearing before her eyes. She’d have to wait for a few days when the little Neightalian market down the road opened up and her bit-coffers were full.

She’d have to wait.

Damn you, Derpy.

Damn you and your herpes.

Comments ( 55 )

My muffin died from writing this. :rainbowwild:

Derpy got herpes.

Why the hell hasn't that been written before?! The rhyme... It's just perfect!!!

Sequel: Dash Gets A Rash

3479695

So tragic! :fluttershbad:

3479706 3479711

No idea why I'm the first to jump on this bandwagon... :rainbowlaugh:

And I just might have to use that story idea sometime! :rainbowkiss:

Oh yeah.. I remember that episode

Hilarious

3479716

Hmm... Applejack Gets The Clap?

Twi Gets Fried?

I'm sure I got a few more in me...

MnM

This made my muffin moist.

-Will

This story made me giggle way too much in a public place. Well done!

JBL

And thereafter, Carrot Top and Berry Punch were unable to look at a muffin again without becoming slightly nauseated, which caused Pinkie Pie to be confused and disgruntled. The end. :rainbowlaugh:

Well, this is how I like my comedy stories, nothing too over the top to the point where it becomes ridiculous. Perfect thing to wash away the blues. :pinkiehappy:

3479716 Its always sad when the muffin gets it. Let us now have a moment of silence for all of the muffins that died writing this story.

I just knew that Derpy didn't actually have herpes and was sleepy around with all the ponies in Ponyville. :derpytongue2: I'm going to be thinking about this the next time I eat a muffin. And I love muffins! All soft and moist... :twilightoops::rainbowhuh::rainbowderp::pinkiegasp: Yes, I mean actual muffins! The baked kind! Anyway, keep up the good work.

Herpes is never fun, but Derpy having it is hilarious. :derpytongue2:

3479732

I thought it was. :rainbowlaugh:

3479738

Butts for everyone! :rainbowkiss:

3479743

:rainbowlaugh: You're just a machine with these, aren't you?

3479751

Would you like us to assign someone to butter your moist muffin? :duck:

3479762

:rainbowlaugh: That's totally not suspicious at all...

3479770

One of my favorite parts too! :pinkiehappy:

3479781

Haha, thanks! Glad you liked it! :pinkiehappy:

3479794

Poor Pinkie... :pinkiesad2: :rainbowlaugh:

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it! :twilightsmile:

3479829

Oh geez.... :rainbowlaugh: Poor Apple Bloom... :rainbowlaugh: :applecry: "Rent? But Ah don't even like musicals!"

3479841

It's not one of my favorite shows, but I do watch it occasionally. Now that I think about it... yes, Kat Denning as Carrot is perfect! And I always thought of Caroline as sort of a Derpy-esque character.... :rainbowlaugh:

3479908

I thought so! :rainbowlaugh:

"A. scopes" rhymes with "banal scopes"... :trollestia:

3479975

:fluttercry: *tearful moment of silence* :fluttercry:

3479981

Muffins, huh? :trollestia: :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

Glad you liked the story! :twilightsmile:

3480057

Indeed! :rainbowlaugh:

3480058

Right?! :derpytongue2: :rainbowlaugh:

3480132 Yes. Muffins. :derpytongue2: Just love them.

MnM

3479743

Applejack Gets The Clap

brb writing and recovering my sides from orbit

-Will

MnM

3480132 Do I need to sign butter acquisition forms?

-Will

3479908 Yes that is the best euphemism ever! I always butter muffins before I eat them. I love buttered muffins. They're the best kind. So lovely. :derpytongue2:

3480132 Thanks. It was a term I wasn't familiar with.

Ahaha! My brother and I watch this show, perfect Ponyville version of it. And great use of making it a similar story but not the same word for word (which I have issues with).

Your writing is amazing! Just the perfect amount of comedy and drama. You my friend have earned a like, favorite, and a follower. :pinkiehappy:

3480150

They are amazing. :moustache:

3480161

Nope, you just need to cheerfully greet your butterer. :raritywink: Preferably down low.

3480165

This guy had it right! 3480385

3480228

You're welcome! I saw this on my doctor's cabinets and thought of it while I was writing this... :rainbowlaugh:

3480258

Aww, thanks! :twilightblush:

3480300

Haha, thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

(I thought Berry Punch as Sophie was a good idea. But who's her Oleg?)

3480305

Wow, thanks! :pinkiehappy: I'm glad you enjoyed my work! :yay:

MnM

3480615 y u do dis

-Will

Damn you, Derpy...

Damn you and your herpes... :ajbemused:

3480737

Because I can. :trollestia:

3481288

:rainbowlaugh: Indeed! Poor Carrot! :derpytongue2:

MnM

3481376 B-but I poop from there...

-Will

MnM

3481476 So I have to have wiener poop from now on? Does that mean I am the main character of the novel "The Poop That Took a Pee"?

-Will

“Well, since you and I will not be sleeping together anytime soon, it doesn’t matter whether or not you believe me,” he replied with a roll of his own eyes, shooting a glare at Berry Punch.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Berry scoffed. “Too good for me, are you?”

My immediatly thought out response: "I tend to not sleep with random mares who accuse me of giving out the eternal itch"

3481553 Thanks. Its one of those things that (thankfully) I haven't had to deal with yet.

“Um…” Derpy bit her lip and fidgeted with her forehooves. “You know… you know all those noodles in the cupboard? And the rolls, too?”

The noodles and the rolls? Oh Derpy...:fluttershyouch:

“However,” Nurse Redheart continued as she held up a forehoof, “Miss Hooves was unaware that she has a slight wheat allergy, which manifests itself in an itchy rash and clusters of hives that become painful and blistered when itched.”

Silence.

“... Ohhhh… okaaaaaaay…” Berry Punch tapped her chin before looking up at the nurse once more. “But, er… why is she getting that rash… you know, there?”

Nurse Redheart looked over at Derpy Hooves, meeting her gaze.

She turned back to Carrot Top, Berry Punch, and Time Turner.

“Let’s not go there.”

Yeast Infection?

3481537

Yes. You are now Scrotie McBoogerBalls. :pinkiehappy:

3481553

Haha, thanks! :rainbowlaugh:

And yup, you got it!

3481563

Now I want Shepherd's Pie... :trixieshiftright:

3481573

Good response! :rainbowlaugh:

3481616

Oh, that Derpy! :derpytongue2:

3481638

Poor Derpy, huh? :rainbowlaugh: :derpyderp1:

3481683

Or... herpy Derpy?

3481709

Oh geez my sides! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

MnM

3482187 Let's write it.

-Will

3481563 3480385
Hmm that sounds about right

I laughed waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much reading this!

I knew derpy fucking loved muffins, but I didn't know she loved fucking muffins. But yeah, this was hilarious!

3488465

:rainbowlaugh: Thanks! Glad you liked it! :pinkiehappy:

3496999

Glad it made you laugh so much! :rainbowlaugh:

3553061

Thanks! I hope you enjoy the rest! :twilightsmile:

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: THIS is how you make certain background ponies, funny as buck and snarly, I freaking love it, your stories are addicting and I;m honored to follow you and them, hoping to see what else you got planned:twilightsmile:

3553107 3553171

Haha yup, gotta slap Time Turner with that "crime"! :rainbowlaugh: And thanks, I'm glad that you enjoyed this and my other stories! Thanks for following! :pinkiehappy: I should have a new story out pretty soon! :yay:

you know a great alternate ending would be that Time Turner leaves with his tardis in the distance. :derpytongue2:

3578911

That would be pretty awesome! :rainbowlaugh:

Thanks for the follow. :pinkiesmile:

OMFG, this was soooo funny! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: The phrase "Derpy has herpes" alone is enough to crack me up, but three well-written chapters full of hilarious background ponies and one goofy, confused Derpy has me on the floor. I needed a good belly-laugh, thanks! :rainbowlaugh::heart::rainbowlaugh:

3623294

I remember that episode of Seinfeld! :rainbowlaugh:

3623487

One of my friends who works in an Urgent Care clinic told me that as well. :rainbowlaugh: And yeah... not exactly the most comforting thing to see an entire drawer labeled "A. scopes" while you're waiting for the doctor... :rainbowderp::rainbowlaugh:

3623545

You're welcome! I'm glad you enjoyed it! :pinkiehappy:

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