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Bladeheart

The story of Light Armour, and trust me. This Oc has a lot to tell. This royal guard has been through many missions as her duty of Royal Guard, but even she has her own childhood stories that are worth telling, and when her old filly nappers the NightLights came back into her life she must face everything that has hurt her in the past, to save the future of a poor innocent bat pony.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 2 )

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hawthornbunny

hawthornbunny #1 · Nov 8th, 2013 · · · Childhood. ·

Well, good effort for your first chapter, but there are a lot of beginner mistakes. I won't go into all of them, but the biggest problem is this: it's a wall of text. There are no paragraph breaks. This will put off a large majority of readers, because even someone who wants to follow your story will have trouble doing so.

Paragraphing is generally a matter of style, but at the very least, you should use paragraphs to separate one speaker from the next. If you don't do this, you can't effectively write a conversation between characters.

Sonic Rain Cloud