Join Fluttershy and her friends on a journey of social, psychological, and emotional exploration in a harrowing tale of self discovery and clandestine relationships. You may never feel the same way about illicit love.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Yay, more story! I have to tell you, this is one of the best foalcon stories running right now; it's such a (relatively) unique approach to follow a character trying her hardest not to become a predator... Thank you for this, really.
Time to curl up in bed and read it~
While foalcon fics aren't my cup of tea (let alone clop fics), I still gotta hand it to you, you come a long way from your first chapter you written on Fallen Angels. That is saying a whole lot in my opinion. I'm a really nitpicky kind of guy, and most writers can hardly keep my interest or show little improvement as they continue on with their story, you're an exception to that.
You have a gift with words, and its a shame that a well-written fic like this isn't receiving any more traffic.
Best of luck to you, and you have earned yourself a watcher that will thoroughly enjoy your works in the future.
-majema007
P.S. Zippy did a fantastic job with the cover art. Really well-drawn.
3873907 I meant the source link on the cover pic itself.
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Thank you! I wish I could devote more to the fic. It's been my escape lately. Writing has gotten easier since I started the fic so I'm encouraged to hear the quality hasn't gone down. I'm pretty nitpicky about my own work.
Thanks for your kind words, and I'm glad to have you as a follower.
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That I managed to write a unique story in this fandom makes me feel a little bit lonely.
I must just be a really odd duck.
Thank you kind reader.
I can forgive Izat since phonetically that sounds about right. But Raht is incorrect. But use the word right instead of raht.. [raht is phonetically rat with a strong a] and wrong on so many levels.].
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As a southerner. I can tell you right now that we pronounce our ights.
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I like this chapter my only real gripe is how thick you lay the southern accent, and the raht thing was cringeworthy. Other than that, it was well done. We're getting some good build up and this is a wonderfully light hearted and well done foalcon.
3875458 lol. Thanks. I went by how the words looked and how they sounded in my head. Maybe "raight" works better? I know it's not like rat though and don't want it to look like that.
3875105 Ah, see I was on my iphone in bed so I couldn't see anything, I also couldnt access any emoticons
3875696
You could just say right. After all even with the accent there'd be no a in there. Now I'm glad that you're using Ya and Y'all appropriately, but words like ain't, can't, wouldn't, right, sight, night (although technically you can say nite (not that far off). But phonetically those words come across as normal.
3875879 I have extended family in the deep south who pronounce the word "right" differently, but the accent in the writing really is meant to follow what the VAs sound like which isn't always accurate unfortunately. I do try to correct it some with my limited knowledge while keeping the same feel, and I keep the vowels the same in most words despite the accent, but what I'm hearing from you is that it's possibly still just too much of a distraction from the actual story. Is that right?
"Right" was actually a tough calls when it came to modifying it since it sounds so different the way the characters say it (in my head at least), but the way we read the word can vary from person to person since English is so ambiguous when it comes to spelling. For that reason I actually almost left it unchanged before thinking twice. I might just change it back now though if it's only a distraction.
3875879
Though the difference is audible, I guess it's too subtle a difference to really include as a spelling change. I think I'll change it to normal per your suggestion. Thanks for the advice.
I think I was imagining Apple Bloom. She was the one speaking in those sentences after all. There's definitely an 'a' sound there, but for the sake of uniformity I'll choose AJ's accent.
Of course to an untrained ear AJ and AB sound the same most of the time, but AJ is more Texan and AB is more deep south I think, and both are a little inaccurate.
My favorite southern accent is Savanna (southern belle).
3876188
You're welcome, and yeah Apple Bloom has her accent pretty thick, but it's less of an 'a' and more of drawn out thick r with a pronounced I. And it was less of her normal tone and more of her whining.
I can't wait to see what you do later. And so far this is one of the better foalcons I've come across.
i dont know how u do it flutterpony but u manage to time each update just when i need it most, im exhausted from double shifts all week and tomorrow i have my last one before going back to regular work hours, and knowing theres a new chapter waiting for me at the end of the day as my reward is what will keep me going
o btw i only just noticed this but the story summary, u spell "reflects" as "relfects," might wanna take care of that
3877869 Oh many thanks! I'm glad the chapter is timely for you.
I actually went through today and applied all of the edits and corrections I've made since the story began.. just little perfectionist tweaks mostly. What changed most was Fallen Angel's Letter.
Excellent chapter, as always
It will be interesting to see how things go for the couple from here on. Twilight's compromise of chaperoned dates seems fair enough for now, but a whole year seems dangerously long and a bit cruel to try and contain Sweetie's passion. Fluttershy may be used to her fantasies, but Sweetie is just learning all about sex, and now ordered to either wait almost forever or clop herself off. Kind of a waste not to share the experience with her all-too-willing special somepony But I guess we'll have to wait and see how the first few dates go, since it would be wise to at least wait that long regardless
I have a bad feeling about Spike... jealousy is never pretty, and he has reason to be jealous of both of them; Sweetie for having an older mare reciprocate, and Fluttershy for getting the next closest pony to his crush. Then again, there's always the possibility that Rarity would date him if he propositions her properly.
Speaking of Rarity, do she and Fluttershy still do regular spa dates in this story? That could provide a wonderfully awkward scene in a future chapter
Sad to hear you'll be busy for a long time, but know that your writing shall always be appreciated, nomatter how long it takes ... and thanks for not ending on a cliffhanger this time
And excellent work on the cover image, ZippySqrl I actually saw it first on derpibooru and immediately thought of this story, only to find out that it was drawn for this story The world needs more Flutterbelle art.
3878188 Hah! I like the awkward spa date idea!
Spike has a lot of potential for involvement, but I honestly don't know how his role will evolve if at all.
I really like that he and Sweetie bonded though.
That scene, like many others, came unexpectedly.
How will Sweetie handle the tension? It's a good question.
The world most certainly does need more Flutterbelle art.
3878368 I'm curious how far you've read. Do I need to make it more clear that the relationship is secret?
i love this chapter so much, just like i love all the others, honestly i just dont know what to say as usual, everything is so well-thought out, so well written, so tender and sensible at the same time. twilight is perfect, spike is well done, and applejack is written great too. i wish i chould be more specific for u but its hard when u love pretty much everything to point out specific parts
only 1 thing i would say, on a technical matter, when u have applejack talking, u handle the accent well but i think it would be a very good idea if u made "ah" capitalized every time ur substituting it for "I". that would help make it clear what its meant to be i think
btw i have question, we've got a solid marker here for what time this is taking place in, and the story looks like it will be continuing for a little while...will the events of the bats episode have any bearing on the story? i was just thinking that the incredible, instinctual need to feed on apples that is inflicted on fluttershy might be an interesting aspect to address in this story since its another ("another" according to this story that is) case where she can become utterly lost in a powerful, animal lust for something.
..........aaaaaand i have to admit....and i feel bad for saying it because i know that this story is so far above just a basic sex fic that its like how far above an amoeba a human being is...but flutterbat is one of the sexiest things ive ever seen and i keep imagining her and sweetie belle getting passionate...i know that isnt likely to happen here even if u do use the events of bats in any way, but even just a brief connection to that episode used in this story would mean a lot of fun for my imagination. dont get me wrong, mostly im interested in seeing what ideas for writing fluttershy u might get from the events of the pisode! i just dont want to lie and pretend i dont have a slight extra motive for it lol
anyway im sorry to hear u wont have much time for writing for a while but for stories of this quality ill wait as long as it takes, so keep at it!!!
I have never been so happy to look at my email and find time in my day and read your new chapter. I have also never been so happy and sad reading it. I am greatly looking forward to the next. I look in my email everyday till then.
i0.kym-cdn.com/profiles/icons/big/000/127/549/nope.gif
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It's really a pleasure to hear the story is being enjoyed so much!
I know for a fact it's been a pleasure to write.
Flutterbat is so smexy!
It's going to get messy trying to slip the story into canon as canon is being created, but one of the advantages is that I'll get to draw on awesome stuff like Flutterbat. As usual I hesitate to set anything in stone until I actually write it, but there's a good chance that Flutterbat will at least be mentioned.
The real challenge to pinning down the time and trying to fix the story in canon will be accounting for everything that conflicts from here on. It might mean going back and changing things after everything is finished so it makes sense, but I guess I'll worry about that when the time comes too. I don't mind a little pony-related challenge after all. At least I don't have to deal with the canon bomb that was Twilicorn.
I'll have to look at "Ah" vs. "ah" some time again. I do feel like sometimes it would help to capitalize it, but other times it just looks obtrusive like I'm starting a new sentence suddenly without an end to the prior one. We'll see.
3883924
This is one of the best stories I have read. I do not say that lightly.
3889368 Thank you very much! I'm flattered.
I am... truly, deeply impressed. At first glance, I thought this was going to be a pretty simple fic, but... you've managed to weave in just the right amount of realism with the emotions to make this story really come through nicely. You've characterized Sweetie Belle, Fluttershy and Twilight perfectly, and managed to get into each of their heads to create solid, relatable personalities, and just the right situations for them to evolve. I really look forward to reading more (not sure if that's a good thing or not, lol).
I really liked the part where Cheerilee told Sweetie Belle that she was reading at an academy level. It shows the results of all the heavy reading she's been doing -- a direct result of her relationship with Fluttershy. They're really good for each other, on multiple levels, and I'm glad you give the thought to show it. Fluttershy truly, deeply cares about her, and wants her to succeed -- and that sparks Sweetie Belle to do her best to get things right. She's learning the more mature and responsible ways of adulthood remarkably fast, and she's got great teachers and friends to help her. It'll be interesting to see where this goes.
3896145 Thank you! The issues the characters address are ones I care about. I'm glad when people find the way I do it enjoyable.
Cheerilee is sweet and kind, the best teacher she could hope for.
It's always great to see that kind of care in a mare. It's great to see characters progress too.
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I really can't wait in the next chapters, how this love will remains as a secret...
Meanwhile, I found this song quite fitting for the love in this fic.
(Also another song named "days" in the album fits the background of Prologue imo, but I can't found it on youtube)
3925317 Thanks so much! I love music that can help inspire the story. It's a pleasure to hear you've enjoyed the story so far.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/045/a/1/flutterbelle_by_t_149-d76dulf.jpg
Something I drew inspired from this fic
3943786 I LOVE IT! Also, the song that you linked in the description is beautiful and seems appropriate!
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Oh my, I didn't expect that Only discovered it today.
3944273 You found the song today or the fic?
3944317
Um, the song?
3944342 I should have known.
I'm adding this preface, as my comment was a lot longer than I meant it to be (I chalk this up to the combined influences of caffeine and lack of sleep). To the author, if you don't like criticism, feel free to not read it, as I just kind of wrote what came to mind instead of writing a balanced review of my honest opinion. I did enjoy the story for the most part, and I can tell that you have a lot more in store for us, and I can spot some of the subtleties of the author's craft you slipped in to your credit. So just take what I say with a grain of salt.
These characters disturbed me. It could be that the world this story takes place in is significantly different from our world, but seeing nothing to the contrary, I assume that the basic rules that govern it are similar to contemporary society. This being said, holy shit.
First Fluttershy has a crush on Sweetie Belle. Okay, I get that. Pedophiles exist, even lesbian pedophiles, even if they're much less common. Then she confesses her love to Sweetie, who totally goes along with it. Getting a little stranger here, but still believable, her being a child and all. Then she decides she wants to marry Fluttershy an hour later. What? I get that she's a foal, and she's immature, but besides being immature, children are also cowards and don't tend to rush into situations they're not comfortable with. They're stupid enough, but not brave enough. And Fluttershy goes along with it right off the back! Okay, so Fluttershy is batshit crazy. My suspension of disbelief is being stretched a little, but I can still buy it. Then, for reasons I don't quite understand, Fluttershy attempts to rape her. Why? Isn't Sweetie, like, totally going along with everything so far? I'm pretty sure is Fluttershy asked real nicely, she would say yes, even besides the fact that a foal would be inclined to obey an adult simply because that behavior's been engrained into them.
So Fluttershy runs to Twilight so Twilight can calm her down and keep her from hurting Sweetie. Finally, somepony sane comes in to balance all this out. Alright, I can get this. She tells Twilight she almost raped her, Twilight is understandably shocked and horrified, so now she'll get Fluttershy the professional help she needs and keep her far away from any foals... No, wait, nevermind. She's totally cool with Fluttershy dating a child she just raped. In fact, she leaves them unsupervised two days later! Oh my Celestia, is everypony in this story absolutely mad? Is there no sense of morality in Equestria? Would most ponies think this is rational? Holy crap, if I ever get transported there in some sort of cliched HiE magic accident, remind me to get a vasectomy the first chance I get!
To be fair, it does get better from here. The three crusaders talk about it, and besides Sweetie being able to write poetry with a vocabulary that most people twice her age don't know, it's totally believable. Kids don't worry how wrong this situation would be because they're kids; they don't feel like victims because they are that age. And Applejack's reaction, while far from right, is at least typical, in my opinion. I would think that a lot of people would be too uneasy and unsure to go to the police in the same situation and would try to resolve it with as little stress and drama as possible.
In conclusion, this is far from the worst fic I've read, and I would go so far as to say it is the best foalcon. I just wish some of the characters were a little more realistic, it would make the story a lot more engaging.
3974372 You totally read my mind! Every weakness you pointed out is something I hope to one day thoroughly scrub away with timely justification or an improved, more elaborated progression of events. Chalk my carelessness up to beginner's enthusiasm and inexperience maybe. This is my first published work of fiction, not that I excuse my mistakes by that fact, but you can understand better hopefully.
For Sweetie jumping into the idea of marriage there's got to be something motivating her that other foals/children don't have. Like you said, part of it is simply that it's a different world they live in:
- different species and rates of development
- different culture, etc.
Another part of it is the fact that I've taken advantage of the weakness of canonical FiM writing. In the episodes there's some stuff that really doesn't make sense without a big imagination. Fluttershy is a split character in the series so I've made her a split character in this story with respect to her attractions and impulses. Sweetie sometimes acts mature (never marriage mature, granted) and bursts into song, so I capitalize on that fact and give her some mature behavior as well as some poetry.
Basically, my story inherits some of the weaknesses of the show for the sake of convenience on my part (not always the readers'). Not great, I know, but, actually, I believe in it. Despite my laziness in justifying what seem like implausible leaps for the characters, what I've written is based on real life experience (first and second hand), I mean, I can honestly justify most of what's happened so far with the characters to myself (so long as I get to control their back stories). This is bound to show more as the story progresses of course, or I'll have failed as a writer I think.
The challenge seems to be making it believable to those who haven't lived what it's like to be as purehearted as Twilight, emotionally neglected like Sweetie, or consumed with a passion (in spite of herself) like Fluttershy felt when she almost forcibly molested/raped the cooperative filly.
I haven't lived Sweetie's situation, so that's been harder to justify. I've tried my best to look to those who have been in her situation, however. I struggled with the CMC chapter to figure out how exactly she works, and it seems to have turned out well, but a bit late and probably lacking as far as helping readers understand. Any success I've had with that aside, figuring out how she could so quickly conclude that marriage is the answer is one of my more important personal goals. I'm writing in order to explore for myself, not just tell a story or fantasize. If, by the end, I still don't get why she wanted to get married off the bat, then I'll have to rewrite and change the timing and, if that doesn't work, then something more drastic. In any case, I think I'll have learned something valuable about human nature, (or at least how I perceive it).
Anyway I really appreciate the feedback. Rather than get offended I had a good laugh at your reactions, not because I'm cruel, but because those reactions are so appropriate. I'm really glad you seem to think the story's not bad overall. My mirth would have been short-lived if you said you outright hated it.
3979053 Good suggestion. I'll see what I can do. I like reading with a darker background too sometimes. Thanks!
Well well. And I thought that good stories involving this topic didn't exist anymore. I'm absolutely taken in by this wonderful work, and I sincerely hope that your schedule allows you time to continue it. I'm so nervous about Applejack's reaction.
Your writing is quite remarkable. In particular though, Twilight is an absolute stand-out. I can perfectly hear every last thing she says in her voice, pitch, and demeanor. You have her character incredibly fine-tuned.
Excellent work!
4003417 Thanks so much! I really try to give Twilight the credit she deserves, and boy does she deserve credit imo! I actually thought my first fanfic would be a Fluttertwi romance, but that didn't ever take off. Funny how things work out I guess.
It's bothered me that I can't work more on the fic. Writing is my release and I've greatly missed it. Hopefully it will just mean more passion when I do get the chance.
3974372 Its kinda tough to criticize some of the plot points that would seem out of place in this story, mainly because Flutterpony uses ponies instead of humans to tell the story. Because of that, Flutterpony can get away with questionable writing choices (or any writer for that matter).
For example, if you criticize the story for having Twilight place so much trust to Fluttershy in two days, there's a multitude of ways to justify it. Ponies aren't nearly as cynical as humans, extending the time for Twilight to be confident with Fluttershy would question readers as to how Fluttershy wasn't caught yet (unless the chapters are completely changed to just repeat Fluttershy's and Sweetie Belle's emotions on how they feel, messing up the pacing), it would make Twilight look OOC (possibly unlikeable) for her to place little trust in her friend, etc.
That's not to say that the story should have every character be jolly over Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle being in love, but it would seem jarring to have most ponies outright vilify Fluttershy, especially when you consider most ponies aren't as cruel as humans (unless the story took place in an alternate universe).
Personally, I think the story does a fine job of keeping the characters acting the way a MLP fan would expect them to act, while making them feel like a unique species and not just a human re-skin.
4019281 Right. I think you've got what I was going for. Certain things like adult/foal relationships and sex abuse as in Ruby's case, I've kept closer to real life, but I also mean to look at these things through a different lens, to experiment with what could happen in a far more positive less cynical society. In the end I do hope to make this clearer for the reader who might expect it to stay closer to real life, but that'll be toward the end I think.
Thanks a bunch for the comment!
I'm surprised that this story doesn't have more views and thumbs! The writing for the characters seems spot on believable.
4071619 Thanks! I love the characters after all. They're a big part of what keeps me writing. As for the story's popularity, go figure. Maybe if I re-wrote the description I might get some more interested readers.
Wee friendships forged by fire.
Two with everlasting desire~
5573483 Thanks very much! I appreciate all the support I can get. I was very tempted to change the verses. After a lot of contemplation, I'm coming to understand that the break in the story's illusion--quoting scripture and referencing Christ--is something I might have to embrace rather than continue to try and mitigate. At best, I'm thinking I might write a (wildly unpopular) one shot explaining how the bible and Christianity made their way to Equestria.
5572942 Thanks for loving this story! I'm very glad if, once you've read the newly inserted chapter 8, the inclusion of Christianity doesn't rub you the wrong way as it apparently has some. I know how revisions can busy a person and wish you luck with yours. Mine will hopefully be getting easier and easier since the later chapters saw some improvement in writing and punctuation, and I hope I won't need to alter their contents quite as much as the earlier ones.
All of the attention the new revisions have gotten is helpful, even if it's partly negative, which is one reason I don't mind responding to the concerns being shared. I'm glad people care and all that. I try to assume as much, anyway, and I'm usually not disappointed as long as I can stay patient.
nnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooo
yeah i don´t like the pairing that much, part of it is because i don´t think Spike looks like an idiot in the most episodes and such, mostly not his fault but still.