The brown alicorn colt walked back into the CIA (Celestia Intervention Agency), a shocked look on his face, “Castiel report 2,” the alicorn said as he sat before his typewriter and began to type, “Continuing my look into the lives of the barers and the world that surrounded Ponyville, I had decided to take a look into the life of one Rarity Belle. The current bearer of generosity and personal dressmaker to Twilight Sparkle. Knowing that it would be best if I had actually seen the work of the mare for myself, I hid my wings and requested a fix to my trenchcoat.
That was when I overheard her talk to her little sister about having to visit family out in the country, warning her about how strange they were. My interest peaked, I heard the element bearer discuss about the utter weirdness that the family was and why they rarely visited their distant cousins. My trenchcoat fixed, I made a decision to follow her and discover what was weird about her family.
----------------------------------------------------Badlands- 4:00 P.M---------------------------------------------
Keeping myself confined to the sky, I watched as Rarity made her trek through the badlands, accompanied by her trusted friend Applejack. I watched the two mares make their way to a lone house, situated in the middle of no where and past a natural gas station. (One must ask why our kingdom has such a thing.)
Maintaining a careful watch from a nearby tree, I watched as Applejack walked around to the side of the house as Rarity tried in vain to call out for her cousins. Following her, I watched as the mare arched an eyebrow in curiosity at a strange sound from the cell. Opening the door, she went into the cellar and in a few moments she ran out, being chased by a large pony holding a large chainsaw in his mouth. I stared in shock at the lumbering behmoth as he chased after the farmer, and when I looked further at the face of the killer I could tell that his face was covered in a mask. It was later discovered that this face was made out of pure leather, hence the nickname of Leatherface.
As I watched the mare and the stallion fight it out, I prepared myself to swoop in and help out. However, I was stopped by the appearence of Rarity yelling out to the two to stop the fighting. To this agents utter shock, it was discovered that Leatherface and a pony called hitcher was the family that Rarity was visiting that day. The reason why that LEather was upset with Applejack, and the reason for the chainsaw, was because the atformentioned mare walked in on his surprise present that he wanted to make for his dear cousin Rarity. With a laugh Applejack later on went on to have some fun with her friend and her family.
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The brown stallion looked at what he just wrote, and shook his head, “Celestia, why did these girls grow up in Ponyville and not near a battle field?”
Its a good effort, but... I just can't get behind your personal style of writing. It just feels... off. I dunno why... But I like the concept, so Imma thumbs it up. G'luck to you, but this fic just doesn't seem to be for me.
3361652
What do you mean by, "Personal writing style" I mean, I can understand if you feel something is off, I am just curious as to where you are coming from or if you can mention what is off.
3361758
Things are just worded... Weird. I can't specificly point out exactly what's strange with the wording, but the fight scene in the second chapter felt off......... But honeslty I need to give the fic more of a chance than two chaps and a bonus chap. I'll keep in my read later list for now.
Oh!
Just realised something else that put me a little off: The way ponies just go with it. I mean, Derpy and Dinky just kinda... Go with it. I mean, Dinky lost her best friend, Derpy nearly lost her baby. It feels...... Feels.... Almost... Rushed? Is that the word I'm looking for? *shrug* I dunno.
Also, Pinkie. How are the boys not fipping out that she knows what they did last night?
On a much more positive note: Carmie. Love the buck outta her.
3362005
Ok, I get where you are getting, some of the emotions and character interactions are a bit off. Thank you. I think I improve on thee reactions and such in the later chapters, but thank you for pointing this stuff out.
Also, thanks...I am kind of proud of doing Carmine myself.
3362005 for your first two points. Derpy and dinky know the doctor, they've seen weirder shit. Third point Sam and dean have seen weirder shit.