A Collection of Works

by AdmiralKew

Spam

Princess Celestia took the headache that had been festering in her cranium for the last couple of hours and told it to go buck itself as she listened to the Ministers of Parliament argue like the bunch of pompous asskissers they are. She didn't dare reveal the headache, because the moment she did so, they would all fall over each other trying to apply their lips to her derrière in an effort to gain some sort of advantage over their opponents. And they weren't very good at it. Politics never changed, not even after several reforms and thousands of years.

"I'm telling you Rapid, building your factories there would just increase Canterfornia's pollution problems!" Sustainable Growth, Minister of the Environment, sparred against his brother with that annoying nasal tone of his.

Rapid Growth, Minister of the Economy, was even worse, "Well what do you suppose? Just watch as we fall behind the Griffins? What do you say, Celly?"

I say both of you shut up before I skewer you on my horn. Love and tolerance...love and tolerance... She forced a smile, "Why don't we take a break while I weigh your suggestions regarding this problem. Is this acceptable to everyone?"

She put just enough of an edge in her voice to let the Ministers know that the last sentence wasn't a question. She stood up and retreated to her study. The throne room was just for design. Real work was done here and in the Parliamentary Chambers. She flopped down on her couch with a tired sigh, wondering what Twilight Sparkle was up to.

---

Twilight Sparkle's wings fluttered in anticipation as she conducted her latest project. Everything had to fit together just right or else the venture would be a failure. She something was off...she had to double check. Levitating and assembling the components with this kind of precision took a lot of concentration, so she couldn't just get a tome from downstairs.

"Spike, could you get the copy of 'Advanced Nuclear Etheric Physics' from the basement?" She called out to her draconic assistant.

"Geddit yourself, Twilight." Said assistant grumbled tiredly from the bedroom, "I'm tryn'a sleep."

"SPIKE!" Science was at hand, and all he was going to do was sleep? How dare he.

"Fine, fine. I'll get it." The little dragon groggily descended into the library's basement.

Just a few more minutes and she would show those incompetents at the Manehattan Project how fission was really done! The wait was almost unbearable. She heard shuffling from downstairs, and then a particularly loud sneeze. Spike really had to hurry up or else Cloppenheimer would win that damn bet.

"Um...TWILIGHT!" The scent of smoke accompanied Spike's shout.

Oh buck.

---

So Twilight wakes me up to get some hugeass book from the basement so she can win that stupid bet with some egghead she made a few months ago. Cloppenheimer, was it? Big deal anyway. I was about to kiss Rarity after defeating the Cave Crawler. Damn you.

"SPIKE!"

Of course, when she raises her voice it means that she really needs something done. So I get out of bed, practically crawl my way to the basement and look for that book. It's three times as big as me, weighs a ton, and is covered in dust. It's always a big, heavy, dusty book with Twilight. I think she has a Big Book Fetish.

So I move a ladder around so I can get the book and bring it to her because I want to go back to sleep. Wow, that's a lot of dust. In hindsight, it was a seriously dumb idea to blow the dust away because I've now inhaled a bunch of it. I'm on top of a ladder, I've got a sneeze on the way, and I'm carrying a big damn book.

Naturally, I fall. But hey, what goes up must come down right? But hey, at least the sneeze is gone. I start walking to the stairs when the sneeze comes right out of nowhere. The flames touched that stock of spam mail she'd been keeping in case someone pisses her off...oh Celestia.

"Um..." I gulp, "TWILIGHT!"

---

Suitably refreshed and collected after a quick meditation session, Princess Celestia was ready to resume the meeting. She magicked the doors open and sat down, letting the guards shut the threshold behind her.

"After having had ample time--what's this?"

A rolled up parchment had landed in front of her, bouncing off her nose along the way. She tapped the Etherfield and opened it, holding it in front of her so she could read.

From: Iron Will

BECOME A TRUE STALLION!

INCREASE YOUR PEN--

She tossed the spam behind her with a telekinetic flip. She coughed.

"As I was saying--"

And suddenly she was buried in spam.