Big Mac discovers that, when he's wearing his new horse collar, he makes fillies that touch him feel good. Real good. Sadly, this isn't as amazing as it sounds.
A bit anticlimactic, in that we never saw Fluttershy and Big Mac work it out, and we never saw them make up, and how Rainbow and Rarity just kinda showed up of the blue at the end there, but not bad.
Overall, I wish it had been more fun, and less consistently tragic and sombre. Still, I loved the concept, and how well you did by all the characters. Further, you treated them with dignity, and didn't shy away from complicated issues.
I feel like this probably would've worked better as a drama or Sad story, than as a sex story. I kept waiting for it to plunge into fits of passion or lust, and while that did happen with Twi and Pinkie (the two best parts, imo), it seemed like those bits were not at all what you wanted to write, here. So... it was certainly different, than I was expecting or hoping, but it was good in a different, more serious way.
Enjoyed it, and enjoyed the uninhibited parts the most. I wish there'd been more of them, but I loved the writing, regardless (your descriptions are often really evocative), and I'm glad you did right by the characters. Especially Twi, Pinkie, and Applejack, which I feel you got just right.
3132634 Hah! I mean like, you wrote her in a really realistic way, if she secretly had this domination kink. I particularly liked that, in a lot of ways, her hostility towards Mac was partly genuine, and part her being angry/ashamed at herself.
I've known people to do spectacularly insensitive, and hurtful things, when they're ashamed of themselves, and can't quite admit it to themselves.
I wanted to leave the Fluttermac up to the reader. I have my own opinion but it's not something I want to decide.
I guess I didn't do the greatest job of showing that, yes, the others patch things up. I suppose I could make that an exercise for the reader too, but I also thought it went without saying.
Dude, this was a very misleading story with too much drama and not enough clop. Pardon my language, but Big Macintosh is considered to be one of the top ten stud stallions amongst those of the mature brony community and people like them will be wondering why he isn't scoring with all of the mares left and right in all sorts of sexy shenanigans due to the fact that he has the power to make mares orgasm with a mere touch to help get them in the mood. I myself feel the same way about this story.
Once I established that, in this story, women aren't just vapid chunks of meat with no thoughts or feelings except for being pleasure robots for the amusement of men, then I was kinda stuck.
I couldn't have Big Mac go around pinning every female in town, because half of them would claw his eyes out if he tried any funny business.
Kinda wrote myself into a corner there, and ruined my ability to write mindless, pointless, boring clop for you to fap to.
I agree with what a few others said, even though I realize things turn out alright in the end, I kind of wanted to see it to believe it. Especially when Fluttershy yelled "You don't love me!" I was at least hoping for a rebuttal. Big Mac didn't seem to defend himself much at all throughout the story, which *sigh*, I guess is true to his character to not speak but I thought that this emotional outburst from Fluttershy would necessitate an OOC moment for Mac. Oh well, at least it was some kind of happy ending.
Finally done, eh? Well good. Things wound down pretty quickly last chapter, and now you imparted an epilogue of sorts... But really? Is that really how this ends? No resolution, just a few "I'm sorry"'s and an 'Oh Shit' moment at the end?
I have to say that, even though the spineless yellow one managed to pull through and grow a modicum of vertebrae, she went about it in a rather ham-fisted approach; She claims that he never loved her, yet it implicitly states that he did in the beginning. She then goes on to proclaim her "love" for him but only in terms of how that "love" had been betrayed by his actions. But by what right does she get to complain of such things when, in her lack of confidence and drive, she never even attempted to reach out to him before the incident? Did she honestly believe that he'd be her white knight in shining armor - come to save her from the tower and the dragon and the wicked witch and what not? If she truly 'loved' him, would she not have sought an apology from him, work things out through conversation and try and start anew? (As apposed to running to her little friends, who have their own personal issues and flaws, and starting this whole mess to begin with) Isn't that what pure and honest love would entail? How shallow; to feel betrayed of something you never had to begin with. She is nearly spot on with everything else, but in this one regard she is not only wrong but delusional as well. A love unrequited is all well and good, it happens all the time, and will continue to happen - such is the nature of love. But when you seem to find offense to the fact that your unrequited love isn't requited back, you take on the mantle of hypocrite and only lower yourself further. Frankly, as a man who has found love and kept it jealously, I am a tad bit disgusted with this outcome.
As for the great red one - is a man not to be bold? Is a man not driven by his passions to press forwards into the unknown and confront his own mortal follies? Then why, pray tell, would he just stand there with nothing to spout forth but a sigh? His lack of self confidence must be extreme for him to lay there like a lowly cur and take such hypocrisies and abuses - to not fight back against these claims! Were it me who had been accused of such things, would I not vehemently deny all allegations and plead my case? Yes, I would! And so he, too, should have - but he did not; such shame!
All in all, it was a good story, complete with a decent plot and masterfully crafted character, worthy of praise. I give it an 8 out of 10 possible. Thank you for taking the time to make something that others find enjoyable.
I only recently started reading fiction, and this is my first serious attempt at writing something. So, my goal was to learn something out of this.
And your post, along with many others has taught me something very interesting.
You see, I actually let Fluttershy be naive about love on purpose. I also threw in one other mistake that she made during her final speech.
But, it seems that scattering puzzle pieces around isn't enough.
So, things I've learned: - If I present a mystery, raise a question, or even hint at something strange, it should be crystal clear and on the surface by the end of the story. (Unless I purposely want it to be ambiguous, or it's just a macguffin like where the horse collar came from.) - If my characters say something, or feel something, then the readers feel that the story is saying those things, so I have to be careful not to accidentally present a moral that I didn't intend to. - I shouldn't jump straight to the interesting bits. I should paint the pictures and explore the characters that come between the plot beats as thoroughly as I can. (Maybe one day I'll do a rewrite of this one)
3136456 That's all fine and dandy. Really, I appreciate it very much. I merely like to bemoan the ignorance of such troubles, and to wax nostalgically in pretty purple prose about this and that. Overall, I'm happy that you managed to find a way to finish it after backing yourself into a corner by the third chapter - an impressive feat that many writers would cancel a story over. So, again, great job!
3148699 Then I dunno. But I do have to say that you did well for what I have read. I am aslo kinda new on FimFiction.net but I have started a story. I don't think mine is as well as yours so far since I don't read anything but Manga.
I don't know if I'm happy with it, myself, though. I think it deserves a total overhaul. For one, I decided to wrap it up quickly. Readership was dying off, and I felt that I had learned a lot from this tale, and I had made some pretty grievous errors in pacing and exposition getting started, so I thought I should start another story and try some new things.
Not wanting to leave things completely hanging, though, I quickly wrapped it up with an explosion of 'tell don't show'. My original intent was to have each of the conflict arcs get resolved by the characters being faced with a chance to realize their selfishness, and seek redemption, which they would all end up taking.
If this site allowed me to promote rewrites as much as I would like, I would give this story a serious overhaul treatment, and rewrite it all, complete with a far longer and more detailed resolution, and maybe a big climax where Fluttershy and Mac lay their problems on the table.
lol
A bit anticlimactic, in that we never saw Fluttershy and Big Mac work it out, and we never saw them make up, and how Rainbow and Rarity just kinda showed up of the blue at the end there, but not bad.
Overall, I wish it had been more fun, and less consistently tragic and sombre. Still, I loved the concept, and how well you did by all the characters. Further, you treated them with dignity, and didn't shy away from complicated issues.
I feel like this probably would've worked better as a drama or Sad story, than as a sex story. I kept waiting for it to plunge into fits of passion or lust, and while that did happen with Twi and Pinkie (the two best parts, imo), it seemed like those bits were not at all what you wanted to write, here. So... it was certainly different, than I was expecting or hoping, but it was good in a different, more serious way.
Enjoyed it, and enjoyed the uninhibited parts the most. I wish there'd been more of them, but I loved the writing, regardless (your descriptions are often really evocative), and I'm glad you did right by the characters. Especially Twi, Pinkie, and Applejack, which I feel you got just right.
3132626
Really? Twi?
...What of the others? Did they resolve their issues?
3132634
Hah! I mean like, you wrote her in a really realistic way, if she secretly had this domination kink. I particularly liked that, in a lot of ways, her hostility towards Mac was partly genuine, and part her being angry/ashamed at herself.
I've known people to do spectacularly insensitive, and hurtful things, when they're ashamed of themselves, and can't quite admit it to themselves.
3132638
I wanted to leave the Fluttermac up to the reader. I have my own opinion but it's not something I want to decide.
I guess I didn't do the greatest job of showing that, yes, the others patch things up. I suppose I could make that an exercise for the reader too, but I also thought it went without saying.
Except, perhaps, for Applejack and Twilight.
Meh, sorry. Maybe I'll do a rewrite some day.
Troll Braeburn
3132641
I liked what I did with Twi too, but I felt I did the worst job of being true to the show with her. She wasn't nearly as panicy and bookish.
Dude, this was a very misleading story with too much drama and not enough clop. Pardon my language, but Big Macintosh is considered to be one of the top ten stud stallions amongst those of the mature brony community and people like them will be wondering why he isn't scoring with all of the mares left and right in all sorts of sexy shenanigans due to the fact that he has the power to make mares orgasm with a mere touch to help get them in the mood. I myself feel the same way about this story.
3133018
Once I established that, in this story, women aren't just vapid chunks of meat with no thoughts or feelings except for being pleasure robots for the amusement of men, then I was kinda stuck.
I couldn't have Big Mac go around pinning every female in town, because half of them would claw his eyes out if he tried any funny business.
Kinda wrote myself into a corner there, and ruined my ability to write mindless, pointless, boring clop for you to fap to.
Sorry about that.
i kinda wanna see how that bit turned out
I agree with what a few others said, even though I realize things turn out alright in the end, I kind of wanted to see it to believe it. Especially when Fluttershy yelled "You don't love me!" I was at least hoping for a rebuttal. Big Mac didn't seem to defend himself much at all throughout the story, which *sigh*, I guess is true to his character to not speak but I thought that this emotional outburst from Fluttershy would necessitate an OOC moment for Mac. Oh well, at least it was some kind of happy ending.
Finally done, eh? Well good. Things wound down pretty quickly last chapter, and now you imparted an epilogue of sorts...
But really? Is that really how this ends? No resolution, just a few "I'm sorry"'s and an 'Oh Shit' moment at the end?
I have to say that, even though the spineless yellow one managed to pull through and grow a modicum of vertebrae, she went about it in a rather ham-fisted approach; She claims that he never loved her, yet it implicitly states that he did in the beginning.
She then goes on to proclaim her "love" for him but only in terms of how that "love" had been betrayed by his actions.
But by what right does she get to complain of such things when, in her lack of confidence and drive, she never even attempted to reach out to him before the incident?
Did she honestly believe that he'd be her white knight in shining armor - come to save her from the tower and the dragon and the wicked witch and what not?
If she truly 'loved' him, would she not have sought an apology from him, work things out through conversation and try and start anew? (As apposed to running to her little friends, who have their own personal issues and flaws, and starting this whole mess to begin with)
Isn't that what pure and honest love would entail?
How shallow; to feel betrayed of something you never had to begin with.
She is nearly spot on with everything else, but in this one regard she is not only wrong but delusional as well. A love unrequited is all well and good, it happens all the time, and will continue to happen - such is the nature of love.
But when you seem to find offense to the fact that your unrequited love isn't requited back, you take on the mantle of hypocrite and only lower yourself further.
Frankly, as a man who has found love and kept it jealously, I am a tad bit disgusted with this outcome.
As for the great red one - is a man not to be bold? Is a man not driven by his passions to press forwards into the unknown and confront his own mortal follies?
Then why, pray tell, would he just stand there with nothing to spout forth but a sigh?
His lack of self confidence must be extreme for him to lay there like a lowly cur and take such hypocrisies and abuses - to not fight back against these claims!
Were it me who had been accused of such things, would I not vehemently deny all allegations and plead my case?
Yes, I would! And so he, too, should have - but he did not; such shame!
All in all, it was a good story, complete with a decent plot and masterfully crafted character, worthy of praise. I give it an 8 out of 10 possible.
Thank you for taking the time to make something that others find enjoyable.
God bless and keep you.
Aufwiedersehen!
3135739
I only recently started reading fiction, and this is my first serious attempt at writing something. So, my goal was to learn something out of this.
And your post, along with many others has taught me something very interesting.
You see, I actually let Fluttershy be naive about love on purpose. I also threw in one other mistake that she made during her final speech.
But, it seems that scattering puzzle pieces around isn't enough.
So, things I've learned:
- If I present a mystery, raise a question, or even hint at something strange, it should be crystal clear and on the surface by the end of the story. (Unless I purposely want it to be ambiguous, or it's just a macguffin like where the horse collar came from.)
- If my characters say something, or feel something, then the readers feel that the story is saying those things, so I have to be careful not to accidentally present a moral that I didn't intend to.
- I shouldn't jump straight to the interesting bits. I should paint the pictures and explore the characters that come between the plot beats as thoroughly as I can. (Maybe one day I'll do a rewrite of this one)
3136456
That's all fine and dandy. Really, I appreciate it very much. I merely like to bemoan the ignorance of such troubles, and to wax nostalgically in pretty purple prose about this and that. Overall, I'm happy that you managed to find a way to finish it after backing yourself into a corner by the third chapter - an impressive feat that many writers would cancel a story over. So, again, great job!
If at some point in the future, would you care if I wrote a sequel?
I think I want to expand on the legend of this magic yoke^^
3141845
I have a sequel in mind, but I'm writing some non-sexy stuff at the moment to see how that goes.
3142548
Neat!^^
I'll tell you about my ideas as soon as I'm done. Although, I'm sure yours will be a far cry better than mine^^'
3146850 ikr
3148699 Then I dunno. But I do have to say that you did well for what I have read. I am aslo kinda new on FimFiction.net but I have started a story. I don't think mine is as well as yours so far since I don't read anything but Manga.
Ideas for a sequel to this are cementing in my head. If anyone is interested in editing or pre-reading, let me know.
3154503 me me i want to pre read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This was surprisingly well written. It's one of the few examples of a relatively mature 'mature' fic that retains the feeling of the show.
Nice work.
3164532
I'm glad you think so, thanks!
I don't know if I'm happy with it, myself, though. I think it deserves a total overhaul. For one, I decided to wrap it up quickly. Readership was dying off, and I felt that I had learned a lot from this tale, and I had made some pretty grievous errors in pacing and exposition getting started, so I thought I should start another story and try some new things.
Not wanting to leave things completely hanging, though, I quickly wrapped it up with an explosion of 'tell don't show'. My original intent was to have each of the conflict arcs get resolved by the characters being faced with a chance to realize their selfishness, and seek redemption, which they would all end up taking.
If this site allowed me to promote rewrites as much as I would like, I would give this story a serious overhaul treatment, and rewrite it all, complete with a far longer and more detailed resolution, and maybe a big climax where Fluttershy and Mac lay their problems on the table.
Also Rainbow Dash