Chapter 2
All good things must come to an end
***
After the meetup with Rainbow, the day continued pretty smoothly. Spike had to Pinkie promise he'd be at the party before she was satisfied, after which he took his leave. He had gotten home around late afternoon and was currently organizing the books in alphabetical order. He did it somewhat begrudgingly though, considering his rude awakening earlier that day.
"Soo... how did it go?"
Turning around to look at Twilight, Spike saw her eyeing him curiously. Noting her expression he turned back and continued sorting.
"The same as usual: Great." Spike responded, brushing her off.
Twilight was taken aback by his grumpyness. "Are you sure? It doesn't seem like it."
When she was met with silence she gave up and resumed studying. A full minute passed before her assistant spoke up again.
"Oh, yeah, before I forget..."
Twilight perked her ears, her muzzle still in the book this time.
"I'll stay for the slumber party you guys are having." Spike said monotonously.
Twilight snapped up from her read, her face gaining a bright, wide smile for a split second, that was soon replaced with a frown. "You know, after studying 'Slumber 101' closer it says that slumber parties are clearly mares only."
Spike pondered about if he should bail but soon decided against it, for two reasons. First, "Oh, sorry Rainbow, I couldn't make it. Mares only after all." was something he couldn't say, at least not after Pinkie promising, lest he'd get an angry Pinkie Pie on his tail. Second, he couldn't really abandon one of his closest friends. The Element of Loyalty had rubbed off on him.
"Can't you make an exception? The exception proves the rule you know?"
Twilight eyed the dragon with suspicion. "I guess. Wow, you must really want to come huh?"
Spike bit his lip, "Yes, you could say that."
"Ok, you can stay then. This time only though!" She was still suspicious of his clearly forced response, but decided to back off. Tonight might prove interesting.
***
Late evening approached faster that Spike expected. Well, it did mostly because he took a long nap to make up for his lost sleep, which he did to be able to take the night head on. Twilight was running around the library quadruple-checking to make sure everything were according to plan. They were well prepared in other words.
*knock, knock*
"Spike can you get that?" Twilight yelled from upstairs.
"Sure." Spike said abscent-mindedly and walked over and opened the door.
The sight he was graced with was that of an orange earth pony with a blond mane and a brown stetson hat ever so present atop her head. Following shortly behind her was a meek yellow pegasus hiding behind her cherry blossom pink mane.
"Hey, Applejack. Hi, Fluttershy." Spike welcomed.
"Howdy Spike! Mighty good to see ya." Applejack greeted with a friendly smile.
"Um.. hi." Fluttershy added quietly.
Taking another glance at the farmer Spike noticed an amused grin playing on her lips. "Although to be honest, Ah didn't reckon ya'd set yer paw in this library under these circumstances ever again."
"I didn't either. Just don't ask why, ok?"
"Well, ok then." Applejack agreed.
"You guys just make yourself comfortable, and then maybe the hostess," he pronounced extra loudly, "could get her flank down here to greet her guests!"
Listening intently he could hear somepony thrashing about upstairs and the sound of several items crashing to the floor. "I guess it'll still be awhile." Spike concluded.
"That's okay, me and Fluttershy will just 'set up camp' meanwhile." Applejack shrugged.
'Setting up camp' as Applejack put it, proved to be quite easy with all the mattresses already lined up in a circle in the living room. There wasn't one for Spike of course, although Twilight had asked if he wanted one. He was the only male representative in the library so he had some level of respect as one he wanted to uphold, and therefore, he claimed the armchair instead.
No sooner had they finished getting everything into place, when the door was knocked on once again. This time, a bright pink earth pony skipped in along with 'the most beautiful creature in the world' as Spike liked to describe her.
"Heyy, hello Applejack-Fluttershy-and-ooohh! Even Spike! Auntie Pinkie Pie is here to paartayy!!" Pinkie exclaimed, still bouncing in place.
"Pinkie, dear, this is not the kind of party you normally throw, remember?" Rarity attempted to reason.
"Well, DUH! It's still going to be super duper FUN!" Pinkie bubbled with excitement.
Rarity gave a small knowing smile and then proceeded with bringing her bags in. An exuberant amount of bags flowed in enveloped in a bright blue magic aura, rivaling even the number of books in the library. When she was done the bags made a stack that almost reached the ceiling.
"Gosh Rarity, Ah didn't know ya were moving here." Applejack chuckled.
"Scoff if you must, Applejack, I'm just well prepared." Rarity let out a gasp and lifted her forehoof to her forehead, "What if we run into a fashion crisis tonight? Then you'll be thankful for the small selection of clothing I've brought."
"It's not like we can run into a 'fashion crisis', since we're not wearing anything anyway." Applejack deadpanned.
At hearing that Spike took a quick look at everypony in the room.
"Suddenly I feel very embarrassed." he said, staring at the floor.
***
With everyone assembled the party began slowly but steady. Twilight had finally come down and taken a seat across everypony else, apologising for her late entrance. The other girls didn't mind of course, and with that said, the gossiping began. Yes, the party kept going.
And going.
And going.
Half an hour into this Spike, as he sat in his armchair, began to wonder about a small detail. Pretty insignificant really, just the matter of Rainbow Dash not even being there! Looking around himself he could, for the fifth time, establish that her presence was indeed not... present!
That Rainbow... is this her idea of revenge for the wing-pressure point thing all those months ago? Spike thought to himself, his mind becoming sour when he thought of her potential betrayal.
He didn't have to worry for too long as said pegasus crashed into the library through a nearby window, her Wonderbolt-themed blanket and pillow in tow. Recovering from the crash she rose to her hooves, "Hey guys, sorry I'm la--" she managed to say before feeling her hindleg get wrapped in her blanket, making her trip and land face-first into a table.
"--OOWWW!!" she groaned, holding her snout.
This elicited a lighthearted laughter from everypony else in the room, including Spike, who lay on his back clutching his stomach from laughing.
"Hey, thanks for the warm welcome guys." Rainbow muttered, getting to her hooves once again and walking over to her spot.
"Sorry Dashie, it was just kinda funny!" Pinkie said, still giggling.
"Yeah, yeah, okay." Rainbow said, ending the conversation.
The group soon returned to it's former chattering while Rainbow made herself comfortable. Laying down on her mattress, she felt a claw poking her cheek. "Hey, what took you so long?" Spike whispered.
"I overslept okay?" Rainbow whispered back, clearly embarrassed. "I took a nap and it lasted longer than I expected."
"The Element of Napping is more profound than Loyalty I see." Spike chuckled, earning a sour look from the cyan mare.
Ignoring the drake, Rainbow turned back to her friends' chatter.
"...so anyway, what's going on in your love-life, Flutters?" Rainbow heard Pinkie ask. With hearing that, Rainbow went back to talking with Spike instead. Not that she wasn't interested in Fluttershy, it was just that she already knew most of it. On the other side of things, Fluttershy had a difficult time answering that particular question.
"Oh, um..." was all Fluttershy managed to say before adorning a light blush. "I-I... don't- I mean, nothing. Nothing's going on." she said, steeling herself.
"Aw, c'mon Fluttershy, ya don't have to be shy." Applejack reassured, unaware of the irony in her sentence. "Right, Rarity?"
Her gesture fell on deaf hears since Rarity were not listening to any of the things they said. She was too focused staring at both Spike and Rainbow Dash, specifically Rainbow. A lady shouldn't stare, she knew, but this... this was a crime.
"You okay there, Rarity?" Twilight asked, slightly confused.
Rarity on the other hoof finally snapped back to reality. "Oh, I'm sorry dear, it's just..." She nodded over to Rainbow and Spike.
"Huh? What's with them?" Applejack wondered, not getting it.
Really, am I the only one who notices these things? Rarity thought to herself. I guess I have to take the matter into my own hooves.
"Ahem. Rainbow Dash?"
Looking up from her conversation with Spike, Rainbow saw that everyone were looking straight at them. Unsure how to react, Rainbow just responded, "Uh, yeah, what's up?"
"I couldn't help but taking a look at your mane."
Rainbow stroked a hoof through her mane, noticing it was a bit frazzled, possibly because of her crash. "Yeah?"
"It looks absolutely horrid...!"
Slightly, note, slightly taken aback, Rainbow was about to respond before getting cut of. "But fear not! I, Rarity, will restore it to it's former glory, and make it even better! You can put all your qualms to rest, I assure you!"
Applejack facehoofed at Rarity failing to grasp her friend's level of care for such things, but did think it'd make an interesting scene, so she followed suit. "She's right ya know. Better get fancied up Rainbow."
"N-no that's okay." Rainbow Dash looked around, desperate for support from her other friends. Unfortunately they all agreed with Rarity, although some did with a knowing roll of their eyes. Fluttershy was particularily happy with the turn of events, considering it took the spotlight of her. In one last attempt Rainbow looked at Spike, her eyes pleading for him to agree with her.
Rarity stifled a giggle. "You know what it's time for...?"
As the Element of Loyalty and a person, Dash would never forget the feeling of betrayal, the one she got when Spike looked at her with an evil grin.
"Make-overs!!"
Yush
Spike is so dead.
This chapter was good, a step up from the last chapter and already better than some of the stuff on the site on the ability to spell and format alone.
Let's look at the problems. First is that Twilight gave in too easily. It was mentioned in the last chapter's comments by someone that they were interested in how Spike would get Twilight to agree to this, and honestly, it should have been longer. Remember, this is Twilight, and while she's calmed the neuroticism over the course of the series a tiny bit, it's not by enough that she still wouldn't be following a checklist, especially not one written in a piece of published material that sounds like the name of a university course. Let's also not forget that Twilight very rarely considers how Spike feels about things (doesn't invite him to normal things, very often treats him no better than a slave, generally treats him like a non-person, etc (and for the most part all six do this, and that's during the show)), so again, she gave in too easily. At the very least have her needle him for the reason a bit.
Second is Rainbow's entrance. This is just a minor continuity thing for me and doesn't even really need to be put in, but she came in through a window. Having a bit of what other ponies are doing while Dash is saying sorry she's late or Pinkie is saying hi about Twilight or Rarity cleaning up the broken glass would be nice. It's the little background bits that a lot of authors skip over. You're trying to describe a scene, not just the ponies talking.
That's really all the gripes I have with this chapter. The pace mellowed out a lot more in my opinion, which is what you want for this type of story. The last chapter read like an action scene.
On the positive sides, other than what I mentioned, everyone else is in character as far as I think of them. Spike's sarcasm was fun to read. I enjoyed it.
Rarity is jealous.
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/136284%20-%20animated%20rarity.gif?1344079192
3087524 Rest in peace.
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDMvMjgvMjBfMjRfMDhfOTkyXzI4MTkzMl9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfc3Bpa2VfZ3JhdmVfc2lnbi5wbmciXV0/281932__safe_twilight%2Bsparkle_rainbow%2Bdash_pinkie%2Bpie_fluttershy_rarity_applejack_spike_edit_crying_sad_rain_sign_grave_spikeabuse.PNG
Better. Much, much better. The dialogue generally flows and the characters seem in character, quite a lot actually. Well done.
Now for the nitpicks:
Rainbow hissing at Spike because he asks her why she's late seems a little too hostile. I suggest just "whispered" instead.
"Turning around to look at Twilight, Spike saw that she had taken a break from studying and seemed to have a curious look on her face." No, stop it with the "seemed". People overuse that horribly. And this sentence is just so long and excessively descriptive. Of course she's taken a break if she is looking at him. Sometimes, less is more. I suggest "Spike turned around to look at Twilight and found her back looking at him with curious eyes." Or something like that.
"Twilight snapped up from her read, her face gaining a bright, wide smile for a split second, but that was soon replaced with a frown." One, I think it would be better with "Twilight's head snapped up. Also, excessive and bad connection between parts "with wide smile for a split second, but that was soon replaced with a frown." You've already told is the smile is short, so it should no be a "but" there. I suggest "...for a split second before a frown replaced it."
"Ok, you can stay then. This time only though!" Twilight made sure to add. She was still suspicious of his clearly forced response, but figured she'd back off. Tonight might prove interesting... First, just use a full stop, not "...". That doesn't belong in proper writing if you ask me. And yes, I'm that set in my ways. Two, if you use the verb "add", you need a comment before it. You can't have: "I want a burger. And fries!" Fred was sure to add." It needs to be in two parts, and generally I suggest a rewording to "OK, you can stay then," Twilight said, before adding "This time only though!" Also, the "figure is a little much, I suggest just going with "...response, but she decided to back off." or "...respons, but she'd back off for now. Tonigh..."
"Listening intently he could hear somepony trashing about upstairs and the sound of several items crashing to the floor. " "Trashing" means ruining or breaking something. Don't you mean "thrashing"? Because that means erratic, spastic movements.
"Setting up camp' as Applejack put it, proved to be quite easy with all the mattresses already lined up in a circle in the living
room. There wasn't one for Spike of course, " You have an odd line shift here. "room" should be up with "living".
"Rarity, giving a small knowing smile, then proceeded with bringing her bags in." I suggest the more sequential "Rarity gave a small knowing smile and proceeded with bringing her bags in."
"This time, a bright pink earth pony skipped in along with 'the most beautiful creature in the world' as Spike liked to describe her." Too much here, I suggest the simpler look into Spike's head which is the more colored: skipped in along with the most beautiful creature in the world." This is a clearer look into Spike's perception. This might just be a matter of opinion though.
"Then you'll be thankful for my small selection of clothing I've brought." Either go with "my small selection of clothing." or "for the small collection of clothing I've brought." You seem to have mixed up those two ways of saying it and it just looks weird.
"At hearing that Spike took a quick look at everypony in the room.
"Suddenly I feel very embarrassed." he said, staring at the floor." As fun as this little tidbit is, we've already heard that joke in canon and as there is clearly no nudity taboo, Spike shouldn't feel embarrassed.
"Half an hour into this Spike, as he sat in his armchair, began to wonder about a small detail." Clumsy, I suggest, "...into this, Spike, seated comfortably in his armchair, began..."
"Looking frantically around himself he could, for the fifth time, establish that her presence was indeed not... present!" Seems a bit much to be frantically looking, it sounds like he is whipping his head around repeatedly to look. It seems more natural to look calmly, but demonstratively around him in slow irritated movements.
"Spike thought to himself, his mind becoming dark when he thought of her potential betrayal." First, too dramatic. Two, "mind becoming dark" looks odd. If you insist on this, I suggest "his thoughts darkening" or the more low-key "his thoughts souring."
*CRASH*
He didn't have to worry for too long as said pegasus crashed into the library through a nearby window," I'll let you have your sound effects, you seem to like them, but I suggest changing this up. The kind of sentence with "he didn't have to wait long" needs to come before the event that happens. So either you should put it before the "crash" or you should change it to something like "Crash" Spike was shaken from his (negative) thoughts by the target of his irritation crashing into the library through..."
"Recovering from the crash she spoke up, "Hey guys, sorry I'm la--" she managed to say" Don't use two synonyms for "said" in regards to the same sentence. I suggest the quite different
"She rose groggily from the crash before looking brightly at the others in the room.
"Hey guys, sorry I'm la-"
She didn't get any further before her hind leg got caught in a blanket, tripping her face-first into the table.
This elicited a lighthearted laughter from everypony else in the room, including Spike, who lay on his back clutching his stomach from laughing." First, elicit is boring, lighthearted pointless here. Second, did Spike fall off the chair or is he so small he can actually lie down on the seat? I suggest just "Everypony in the room burst out laughing, including Spike, who clutched his stomach, sliding down into half-lying, half-sitting on the seat of the chair." Also, loud outbursts of laughter seems a little excessive here, if you ask me.
"Looking up from her conversation with Spike, Rainbow saw that everyone were looking straight at them. Unsure how to react, Rainbow just responded, "Uh, yeah, what's up?" She technically doesn't respond to anything. I suggest the simpler "Rainbow saw everyone looking straight at them. Confused, Rainbow said: "..."
"Rainbow stroke a hoof through her mane," I should be "stroked". You missed the "d".
"Applejack facehoofed at Rarity failing to grasp her friend's level of care for such things, but did think it'd make an interesting scene, so she followed suit." Again, excessive words if you ask me, I suggest "Applejack smacked a face against her forehead at Rarity failing to grasp that her friend's care for such things was nonexistent. It would make an interesting scene though, so she followed suit."
All in all, I think you have too many places where you say that someone thinks something, where you could just write the sentence "like it was a fact" and then have the context show that that is how the person in question thinks. I think that would improve your writing.
Again, if I sound mean or condescending, that is not intentional, it is either an attempt at humor that falls flat or simply me not wording it quite right. Looking forward to more.
Happy writing.
3087661
Oh... that's a lot to think about.
It'll take awhile until I can look through your comment objectively since, well, that's how I work sadly. I suppose your critique will be the ultimate test for my confidence. Just remember that it's hard to project your intentions through a comment, in several sentences you sound very condescending. Don't worry too much about that though, I'll try to look past it.
Most of the things you pointed out were in the back of my head when I wrote it, but I couldn't seperate those feelings from being nervous about uploading a new chapter.
(Okay, enough emotions from me.)
Onto the critique:
About ellipsises: I guess I'll probably stop using them outside of dialogue altogether, even though I'm quite fond of them. Arby Works also pointed out a case where I used it wrongly, so I deduce that I don't know what they are for really. I'll look it up later.
About misspellings: Yes, I meant 'thrashing,' and that forgotten 'd' was a given.
Spike getting embarrassed by the girls being 'nude' was intended to be a joke in itself, since he is not supposed to be. I was just thinking of how strange a scenario it would've been if they weren't technicolor ponies.
Also, when Rainbow says "Uh, yeah, what's up?" she was actually responding to Rarity, not the group looking at her. I suppose it could've been written better.
Just wanted to clear up some things, and even though it hurt to read your comment, I think it's better to be hit in the face with it, than to live in some fantasy world pretending like nothing is wrong.
Thank you!
I personally always thought it was weird when pinkie called herself auntie pinkie to spike... Especially when two mares who are older than her want Spike. plus aint pinkie, like, four years older than him in the first place?
3087790
Another reason I might come of as condescending is that after I began actually giving suggestions for improvement, I quickly got tired of giving critique with kid's gloves. As in, if there are fifty things I think should be commented on, it gets really tiring to go with Fluttershy's style of "I think, possibly, you might, if it's not too much, reword this slightly."
Really, that I took quite a bit of time to point out all that means that I enjoy your story enough to want to see it better. I don't waste my time flaming things that are bad, I take my time commenting what I actually like. So remember, each thing I criticize means that I cared enough about your stories good bits to not go "that's it, there are too many things wrong with this." And the good has to outnumber the bad by quite a bit for me not to just give up and leave without a comment.
Hope that soothes any blow my numerous nitpicks might be.
Happy writing.
not usually a fan of spikedash but this could change my mind
Let that be a lesson Dash. Never mess with the dragon of swag. They always get their revenge.
3087884
Huh... I guess the day you stop commenting is the day I should order a batch of ice cream and start comfort eating? Seriously though, thanks, I really needed to hear that. Now I can take it all in and focus on the next chapter.
3087525
Hmm, yeah, I might rewrite the part with Spike and Twilight, because it doesn't make sense with her character. If there's one thing I look for in a story, it's how in character everyone are.
3087798
Yeah it's wierd but what is there to say? Even the ponies in the show can't figure her out. It's just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie.
3087988
It's a fun ship to write/read. Two characters goofing off, what could possibly go wrong?
3088020
Yep, don't mess with the Spike the Swagon or you might find yourself at the next slumber party!
3087641
Does... does that text say '#1 Ass' on the grave? I suppose he had a great ass, but to write that on his grave? Legendary.
3088849
Only if my approval is the only thing keeping you going. Just wanted to clarify that me being nitpicky is a sign of me liking.
And it actually says #1 Ass. Which is even more legendary. Apparently, it was THE ass.
Can't believe I made that joke.
3088849
Holy crap! I overlooked that.
3088849 uuuuhh and the cliche reveals itself. Just that very sentence just....there needs to be a fire twilight emoticon
3089164
Ho-hum... I wonder what I did now? I'll just leave through that back door. You may use the Flutterrage emoticon for your expressive needs.
3089251you used the ever so ironic phrase "what could possibly go wrong" I was flying the roflcopter to you if you know what i mean
Ok, let get to what we're all waiting for. Truth of Dare!
3090235
Yes Truth or Dare!!!
Right after Rarity and the girls turn Rainbow's sexy body into a WMD and aim it at Spike.
Then Dare them to play 7 Minutes of Heaven.
3090771 Yes!
That sounds like hell and spikes is going to blush when he sees her isn't he?
Hah, Rarity is gonna make Rainbow Dash look so attractive that Spike will try something the whole night.
I like this story soo much! I didn't think of this pairing much before but this might change my mind! They're so alike, as you said, what could possibly go wrong??? It's cute, and it's funny!
Psst! Bro, it's me, Amie ;) I'm reading your fanfictions muahahaha!! You can't escape me! *inserts creepy music here*
I'm so jealous you didn't get much flame like I did (digging my own grave, and throwing garbage in it), however, I will try to look past it. I like your writing style, though, I wish you could use more describing of what they did, but I saw someone pointed that out already, so nyah, my comment is useless *derp*
Keep the chapters rolling in! Keep 'em rolling in like money
3175163
S-sis? Get out of here! I didn't want you to read Chapter 1 yet! "Ah'm so ashamed"
...well, I guess it's only fair anyway. Glad to hear you liked it!
But now I can't write that super sexy naughty scene with Spike and Dash I was planning in chapter 4.(It's a joke everypony.)Thanks for putting a comment on this ol' page, it made me smile I might just finish chapter 3 tonight. (Or I might not, knowing me.)
3175306
No juicy scene? I was hoping for it...It's fair, after you read my story that was much more embarrassing than this will ever be (even with all the following chapters combined, and I don't know what you're gonna write yet!) Really, I still haven't come over it. I'm blushing right now...You have a bigger vocabulary than me, heh. Guess I have to empty my head from memories to fill with more words...wait...that sounded too random...
What's so wrong with chap 1? I just don't get you.
As said, keep 'em coming in!
Run away
4436527 yes run very very much away