• Member Since 17th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 11th, 2019

Cabensis


Spike being best pony transcends time.

T

This story is a sequel to Covers


Twilight is going to have another slumber party and each of the Mane 6 is invited. Rainbow Dash however, can't stand the usual events expected at such a party, so she invites Spike to help even things out. Will they both survive the night?
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Cover pic, without title.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 200 )

3067250
I wish they'd comment so knew why :fluttercry:
Thanks for commenting and easing my stress though.

Bah, who cares about he downvotes. Got my upvote and it shall be an awesome story. Carry on! :yay:

I can see where the downvotes were coming from. The pacing feels a little fast for what is essentially a 'slice-of-life' scene, there's a couple issues with grammar here and there (missing commas, using numbers instead of spelling them out, really small things compared to a lot of other fics on here really), you beat the reader over the head that Dash has feelings for Spike but doesn't want to deal with them (I just read the prequel, so while it doesn't happen here, reading that one then this just makes me feel like every few sentences it gets mentioned) and it's shipping (which, unless they're all not online usually gets a few insta-downvotes by people who hate shipping).

That said, it's a good premise (Dash inviting Spike to the slumber parties to help lessen the girliness is actually something I haven't seen before as a premise, a part of a larger story, yes, but not the starting point), I didn't catch anything wrong with the spelling (then again, I wasn't looking for it), the characters are pretty much spot on and I can see this going places.

I look forward to seeing the rest of this story.

Minor typo:

"Yeah, she was quite panicky, not to mention way to early to..." Spike managed to say before a huge yawn made all the following words incomprehensible.

The first "to" should be "too".

3067691
I'd bet that at least 1 of the 2 downvotes is due to some jerk that just auto-downvoted this for no reason. :ajbemused:

Great story though, I just came across "Covers" yesterday, and I loved it. Looking forward to updates on this. :twilightsmile:

You can do it spike (all night long! ) shut up deadpool!

3067691
You pointed out mostly everything I expected, although I was a bit surprised by the whack-on-the-head with Dash's feelings. I felt the one in the prequel was too weak, so I tried making it clearer this time. Although... establishing her feelings twice is a little much considering the length of this chapter I guess.

Thanks for your time, I'll try to keep it all in mind.

3067838
Hmm... yesss~... that particular typo is not meant to be one. Spike's sentence is cut off by his yawning so you can't hear what he says.

---
I guess those downvotes doesn't bother me too much anymore. It was just that, when it got two in a matter of minutes after it being uploaded, I freaked out a bit. I know a few users that were so overwhelmed by negative critique/flames and downvotes that they left the site. Really, nothing can compare to the amount of stress I get from this.

I'll probably get over it. I don't curl up into a ball on the living room floor anymore after all :twilightsheepish:

3070171

Hmm... yesss~... that particular typo is not meant to be one. Spike's sentence is cut off by his yawning so you can't hear what he says.

Oh, sure, it isn't supposed to make perfect sense given his half-sleep-talking, but considering the two words sound exactly the same, I'd think he said the one that makes sense in that context...

Dear Minimin.


Bravissimo good Sir SpiDash lives on. I can't wait for your next chapter.

Yours Truly Thecakedevil.

Amazing, i know i will love this story!:rainbowwild::heart::moustache:

SpikeDash is awesome.

"You know Twilight?" Spike continued to mutter.

Rainbow brought her hoof to her chin and took a quick glance at the dragon. "You know, I might have heard that name somewhere..."

Seems short. Needs more cowbell.

I demand more. 'twas good stuff.

Damn these mares all getting there way.:moustache::rainbowkiss:

I'm curious to see how your going to let Twilight agree to have Spike at the slumber party. But from this chapter, it sounds like his been to one before.
So... Good luck and let's see how this goes.:twilightsmile:

This chapter was good, a step up from the last chapter and already better than some of the stuff on the site on the ability to spell and format alone.

Let's look at the problems. First is that Twilight gave in too easily. It was mentioned in the last chapter's comments by someone that they were interested in how Spike would get Twilight to agree to this, and honestly, it should have been longer. Remember, this is Twilight, and while she's calmed the neuroticism over the course of the series a tiny bit, it's not by enough that she still wouldn't be following a checklist, especially not one written in a piece of published material that sounds like the name of a university course. Let's also not forget that Twilight very rarely considers how Spike feels about things (doesn't invite him to normal things, very often treats him no better than a slave, generally treats him like a non-person, etc (and for the most part all six do this, and that's during the show)), so again, she gave in too easily. At the very least have her needle him for the reason a bit.

Second is Rainbow's entrance. This is just a minor continuity thing for me and doesn't even really need to be put in, but she came in through a window. Having a bit of what other ponies are doing while Dash is saying sorry she's late or Pinkie is saying hi about Twilight or Rarity cleaning up the broken glass would be nice. It's the little background bits that a lot of authors skip over. You're trying to describe a scene, not just the ponies talking.

That's really all the gripes I have with this chapter. The pace mellowed out a lot more in my opinion, which is what you want for this type of story. The last chapter read like an action scene.

On the positive sides, other than what I mentioned, everyone else is in character as far as I think of them. Spike's sarcasm was fun to read. I enjoyed it.

You have good points and bad points. Your main strength is dialogue, but when you begin describing feelings, it isn't much description and more telling than showing. And you kinda repeat yourself in some of that too or don't make sense. I will now use an example and sound very mean, but remember, it is an attempt to show you what I think you could do better:

"It was around here Rainbow started to feel downcast." (First, "It was around here? Boring, useless sentence. And the rest is telling, not showing.) "He was so strongly refusing to help her out that it made her feel... strange. Was it because it was her? Would it have been different if Rarity had asked? Before letting her mind delve deeper into all these questions that bombarded her, she managed to stop herself. It was ridiculous, why did she even care?" (So strongly? Odd wording, I suggest either "so strongly against helping her out" or "He was so adamant on refusing to help her and it made..." Also, it sounds like too much, with "questions bombarding her" and making her feel "strange". You should work on describing her feelings. She also, for someone who apparently haven't quite realised her growing crush, jumps too quickly to "Was it because it was her? Would it have been different if Rarity had asked?" These kind of thoughts need to be more subtle if you ask me, but this is just a huge flashing neon sign." At least remove the "was it because it was her?" Just have her have the random thought "Would it have been different if Rarity had asked?", that is plenty hint.
Meanwhile Spike had recovered from his grand objection and was now quietly observing Rainbow. She looked so sad, almost disappointed." (First off, this is just weird. She should at the very least look disappointed, almost sad", because disappointment is the first thing you'd feel if someone refuses you. Also, saying she just looks sad is a prime example of telling, not showing. Try to describe it instead of just saying that Spike can see her feelings.) He wondered why she reacted so strongly, but figured it was something he could worry about some other time. Right now he had to fix this." (I suggest rewording the "wondered", it's a little much. Maybe the simpler "She was taking it pretty hard, but he figured he could worry about the why of that later. Right now...")

All in all, that whole thing has three problems. One, a couple of boring wordings. Two, telling, not showing. Three, it's too much. She goes so much into overdrive that she sounds like she's had a confession or proposal rejected, not like she's had her unconscious crush reject her suggestion of staying for the slumber party.

So what I think you need to work on is description (and keep it short, avoid purple prose) and dial down the emotions a bit, we are not in a farce or an opera. Work on subtlety.

Your opening here was great though, it's when you even get near mushy and romance here that you kinda drop the ball. But this fic should give you plenty of practice with that, particularly if I keep hounding you.

Better. Much, much better. The dialogue generally flows and the characters seem in character, quite a lot actually. Well done.

Now for the nitpicks:

Rainbow hissing at Spike because he asks her why she's late seems a little too hostile. I suggest just "whispered" instead.

"Turning around to look at Twilight, Spike saw that she had taken a break from studying and seemed to have a curious look on her face." No, stop it with the "seemed". People overuse that horribly. And this sentence is just so long and excessively descriptive. Of course she's taken a break if she is looking at him. Sometimes, less is more. I suggest "Spike turned around to look at Twilight and found her back looking at him with curious eyes." Or something like that.

"Twilight snapped up from her read, her face gaining a bright, wide smile for a split second, but that was soon replaced with a frown." One, I think it would be better with "Twilight's head snapped up. Also, excessive and bad connection between parts "with wide smile for a split second, but that was soon replaced with a frown." You've already told is the smile is short, so it should no be a "but" there. I suggest "...for a split second before a frown replaced it."

"Ok, you can stay then. This time only though!" Twilight made sure to add. She was still suspicious of his clearly forced response, but figured she'd back off. Tonight might prove interesting... First, just use a full stop, not "...". That doesn't belong in proper writing if you ask me. And yes, I'm that set in my ways. Two, if you use the verb "add", you need a comment before it. You can't have: "I want a burger. And fries!" Fred was sure to add." It needs to be in two parts, and generally I suggest a rewording to "OK, you can stay then," Twilight said, before adding "This time only though!" Also, the "figure is a little much, I suggest just going with "...response, but she decided to back off." or "...respons, but she'd back off for now. Tonigh..."

"Listening intently he could hear somepony trashing about upstairs and the sound of several items crashing to the floor. " "Trashing" means ruining or breaking something. Don't you mean "thrashing"? Because that means erratic, spastic movements.

"Setting up camp' as Applejack put it, proved to be quite easy with all the mattresses already lined up in a circle in the living
room. There wasn't one for Spike of course, " You have an odd line shift here. "room" should be up with "living".

"Rarity, giving a small knowing smile, then proceeded with bringing her bags in." I suggest the more sequential "Rarity gave a small knowing smile and proceeded with bringing her bags in."

"This time, a bright pink earth pony skipped in along with 'the most beautiful creature in the world' as Spike liked to describe her." Too much here, I suggest the simpler look into Spike's head which is the more colored: skipped in along with the most beautiful creature in the world." This is a clearer look into Spike's perception. This might just be a matter of opinion though.

"Then you'll be thankful for my small selection of clothing I've brought." Either go with "my small selection of clothing." or "for the small collection of clothing I've brought." You seem to have mixed up those two ways of saying it and it just looks weird.

"At hearing that Spike took a quick look at everypony in the room.
"Suddenly I feel very embarrassed." he said, staring at the floor." As fun as this little tidbit is, we've already heard that joke in canon and as there is clearly no nudity taboo, Spike shouldn't feel embarrassed.

"Half an hour into this Spike, as he sat in his armchair, began to wonder about a small detail." Clumsy, I suggest, "...into this, Spike, seated comfortably in his armchair, began..."

"Looking frantically around himself he could, for the fifth time, establish that her presence was indeed not... present!" Seems a bit much to be frantically looking, it sounds like he is whipping his head around repeatedly to look. It seems more natural to look calmly, but demonstratively around him in slow irritated movements.

"Spike thought to himself, his mind becoming dark when he thought of her potential betrayal." First, too dramatic. Two, "mind becoming dark" looks odd. If you insist on this, I suggest "his thoughts darkening" or the more low-key "his thoughts souring."

*CRASH*
He didn't have to worry for too long as said pegasus crashed into the library through a nearby window," I'll let you have your sound effects, you seem to like them, but I suggest changing this up. The kind of sentence with "he didn't have to wait long" needs to come before the event that happens. So either you should put it before the "crash" or you should change it to something like "Crash" Spike was shaken from his (negative) thoughts by the target of his irritation crashing into the library through..."

"Recovering from the crash she spoke up, "Hey guys, sorry I'm la--" she managed to say" Don't use two synonyms for "said" in regards to the same sentence. I suggest the quite different
"She rose groggily from the crash before looking brightly at the others in the room.
"Hey guys, sorry I'm la-"
She didn't get any further before her hind leg got caught in a blanket, tripping her face-first into the table.

This elicited a lighthearted laughter from everypony else in the room, including Spike, who lay on his back clutching his stomach from laughing." First, elicit is boring, lighthearted pointless here. Second, did Spike fall off the chair or is he so small he can actually lie down on the seat? I suggest just "Everypony in the room burst out laughing, including Spike, who clutched his stomach, sliding down into half-lying, half-sitting on the seat of the chair." Also, loud outbursts of laughter seems a little excessive here, if you ask me.

"Looking up from her conversation with Spike, Rainbow saw that everyone were looking straight at them. Unsure how to react, Rainbow just responded, "Uh, yeah, what's up?" She technically doesn't respond to anything. I suggest the simpler "Rainbow saw everyone looking straight at them. Confused, Rainbow said: "..."

"Rainbow stroke a hoof through her mane," I should be "stroked". You missed the "d".

"Applejack facehoofed at Rarity failing to grasp her friend's level of care for such things, but did think it'd make an interesting scene, so she followed suit." Again, excessive words if you ask me, I suggest "Applejack smacked a face against her forehead at Rarity failing to grasp that her friend's care for such things was nonexistent. It would make an interesting scene though, so she followed suit."

All in all, I think you have too many places where you say that someone thinks something, where you could just write the sentence "like it was a fact" and then have the context show that that is how the person in question thinks. I think that would improve your writing.

Again, if I sound mean or condescending, that is not intentional, it is either an attempt at humor that falls flat or simply me not wording it quite right. Looking forward to more.

Happy writing.

3087661
Oh... that's a lot to think about.

It'll take awhile until I can look through your comment objectively since, well, that's how I work sadly. I suppose your critique will be the ultimate test for my confidence. Just remember that it's hard to project your intentions through a comment, in several sentences you sound very condescending. Don't worry too much about that though, I'll try to look past it.


Most of the things you pointed out were in the back of my head when I wrote it, but I couldn't seperate those feelings from being nervous about uploading a new chapter.
(Okay, enough emotions from me.)

Onto the critique:

About ellipsises: I guess I'll probably stop using them outside of dialogue altogether, even though I'm quite fond of them. Arby Works also pointed out a case where I used it wrongly, so I deduce that I don't know what they are for really. I'll look it up later.

About misspellings: Yes, I meant 'thrashing,' and that forgotten 'd' was a given.

Spike getting embarrassed by the girls being 'nude' was intended to be a joke in itself, since he is not supposed to be. I was just thinking of how strange a scenario it would've been if they weren't technicolor ponies.

Also, when Rainbow says "Uh, yeah, what's up?" she was actually responding to Rarity, not the group looking at her. I suppose it could've been written better.

Just wanted to clear up some things, and even though it hurt to read your comment, I think it's better to be hit in the face with it, than to live in some fantasy world pretending like nothing is wrong.

Thank you!

I personally always thought it was weird when pinkie called herself auntie pinkie to spike... Especially when two mares who are older than her want Spike. plus aint pinkie, like, four years older than him in the first place?

3087790

Another reason I might come of as condescending is that after I began actually giving suggestions for improvement, I quickly got tired of giving critique with kid's gloves. As in, if there are fifty things I think should be commented on, it gets really tiring to go with Fluttershy's style of "I think, possibly, you might, if it's not too much, reword this slightly."

Really, that I took quite a bit of time to point out all that means that I enjoy your story enough to want to see it better. I don't waste my time flaming things that are bad, I take my time commenting what I actually like. So remember, each thing I criticize means that I cared enough about your stories good bits to not go "that's it, there are too many things wrong with this." And the good has to outnumber the bad by quite a bit for me not to just give up and leave without a comment.

Hope that soothes any blow my numerous nitpicks might be.

Happy writing.

not usually a fan of spikedash but this could change my mind

Let that be a lesson Dash. Never mess with the dragon of swag. They always get their revenge.:moustache::trollestia:

3087884
Huh... I guess the day you stop commenting is the day I should order a batch of ice cream and start comfort eating? Seriously though, thanks, I really needed to hear that. Now I can take it all in and focus on the next chapter.

3087525
Hmm, yeah, I might rewrite the part with Spike and Twilight, because it doesn't make sense with her character. If there's one thing I look for in a story, it's how in character everyone are.

3087798
Yeah it's wierd but what is there to say? Even the ponies in the show can't figure her out. It's just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie.

3087988
It's a fun ship to write/read. Two characters goofing off, what could possibly go wrong?

3088020
Yep, don't mess with the Spike the Swagon or you might find yourself at the next slumber party!

3087641
Does... does that text say '#1 Ass' on the grave? I suppose he had a great ass, but to write that on his grave? Legendary.

3088849

Only if my approval is the only thing keeping you going. :raritywink: Just wanted to clarify that me being nitpicky is a sign of me liking.

And it actually says #1 Ass. Which is even more legendary. Apparently, it was THE ass.

Can't believe I made that joke.

3088849:facehoof: uuuuhh and the cliche reveals itself. Just that very sentence just....there needs to be a fire twilight emoticon

3089164
Ho-hum... I wonder what I did now? I'll just leave through that back door. You may use the Flutterrage emoticon for your expressive needs.

3089251you used the ever so ironic phrase "what could possibly go wrong" I was flying the roflcopter to you if you know what i mean

Ok, let get to what we're all waiting for. Truth of Dare!:moustache::twilightsmile::rainbowderp:

3090235

Yes Truth or Dare!!!

Right after Rarity and the girls turn Rainbow's sexy body into a WMD and aim it at Spike.

Then Dare them to play 7 Minutes of Heaven.

That sounds like hell and spikes is going to blush when he sees her isn't he?

Rainbow Dash, you do realize slumber parties are the gender specific kind right? SPIKE IS OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER & CANNOT ATTEND THAT! That's correct right? I've actually never been or had a slumber party.

Hah, Rarity is gonna make Rainbow Dash look so attractive that Spike will try something the whole night.:moustache::rainbowkiss::raritywink:

I like this story soo much! I didn't think of this pairing much before but this might change my mind! They're so alike, as you said, what could possibly go wrong??? It's cute, and it's funny!

Psst! Bro, it's me, Amie ;) I'm reading your fanfictions muahahaha!! You can't escape me! *inserts creepy music here*:pinkiecrazy:

I'm so jealous you didn't get much flame like I did (digging my own grave, and throwing garbage in it), however, I will try to look past it. I like your writing style, though, I wish you could use more describing of what they did, but I saw someone pointed that out already, so nyah, my comment is useless *derp*

Keep the chapters rolling in! Keep 'em rolling in like money :rainbowwild:

3175163
S-sis? Get out of here! I didn't want you to read Chapter 1 yet! "Ah'm so ashamed" :ajsleepy:

...well, I guess it's only fair anyway. Glad to hear you liked it! :twilightsmile:
But now I can't write that super sexy naughty scene with Spike and Dash I was planning in chapter 4. (It's a joke everypony.)
Thanks for putting a comment on this ol' page, it made me smile :pinkiehappy: I might just finish chapter 3 tonight. (Or I might not, knowing me.)

3175306
No juicy scene? I was hoping for it... It's fair, after you read my story that was much more embarrassing than this will ever be (even with all the following chapters combined, and I don't know what you're gonna write yet!) Really, I still haven't come over it. I'm blushing right now...:facehoof:
You have a bigger vocabulary than me, heh. Guess I have to empty my head from memories to fill with more words...wait...that sounded too random...:applejackconfused:
What's so wrong with chap 1? :twilightsmile: I just don't get you.
As said, keep 'em coming in!

Oh, Spike, you poor, poor fool.

I can only wonder how this will turn out for the poor boy

Spike is out of usable pokemon!

Spike paid the winner 4569 pokedollars!

Spike blacked out!

Spike took his team to the nearest Pokémon center. :rainbowlaugh:

All jokes aside, great chapter.

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