Wow, this plot bores me to tears.

Yikes!

i like it very much so far

I would love to see more.

Is that the Decepticon symbol in the background of the cover-art?

I liked it

Interesting but could use a bit more detail. It's kind of flat all things considered. Like the premise is good but the substance is lacking. I reserve my vote till I see more and I certainly do want to see more.

Mmmm..... It is a TwiLuna =?¿=

EDIT: More. is Promising:

2868939 unless you're going to elaborate on it don't bother commenting

2869053 well it's an intro, and the first thing like this I've done. It's merely there to catch people's attention, sort of like the little scene that plays out before the title screen of a movie, or before the main menu of a game

Seems interesting. Will be tracking.

Congratulations, this story has good enough grammar to be included in the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive list of gramatically-correct stories on Fimfiction.

2869099 I knew that but it just seemed lacking even for a teaser. Like the best parts of a action video game seem to be it's platforming bad. I am not saying it's bad only that It could use a bit more Substance as a teaser.

Vampires are bad, mmkay? B-but ponies are good, mmkay. See the conflict of interest here? I'll like and favorite though. Please don't dissapoint, mmkay.

Those that have come before me have said all that needs to be said. Work on it.

2868939

I agree that this particular chapter of this proposed scenario is rather bland, and tasteless.

Thrusting your opinion out in such a... robust manner is rather rude when you fail to defend it, and I hesitate to demand anything of another who enjoys this site arguably as much as I do, but I would like for you to follow up on your comment or offer an apology to the author.

Now, as to WHY I second your opinion.

1. This premise has been done. It has been done so often and in such variety that in order for it to succeed in this venue it must be beyond reproach in nearly every aspect. It must be grammatically accurate, cannot deviate from Luna's portrayed character without having some form of exposition to explain such a shift in the emotional/spiritual paradigm.

2. The author lacks confidence in their work. If they do not believe in it, how are we expected to? They have offered explanations as to why they have written in this format and used this muse as their focal point, and yet they disillusion their readers before the story has a chance to breath or evolve into the admittedly vast potential its subject possesses.

3. It is, quite frankly, a difficult read. The vocabulary is exceptional for a chapter of this size, but the passage presented to us has a very poor selection in terms of sentence variety.

Now, having stated my objections to this literary work, I have not insulted it, or belittled it in any fashion. I am hoping to see more of this exact type of story in the future, and I may actually see this one much improved at some later date.

And this particular note is for the author. You impressed me... I rarely peruse newly posted stories for any reason. Keep on writing this and find yourself an editor or two, I'll be watching.

2869352
Sadly, this fellow does not know what editors are.

Grammatically, this is an improvement over your other stuff, but this fellow here hit on every reason why I'm not going to bother reading it. Your prologue isn't even that, it's more a presentation of an idea that could be turned into a prologue. A quick 1000 words, barely meeting the word minimum, then you yourself stating 'OH, I just put this out there, I don't even know what I'm going to do with it...' It's nearly as infuriating as your outright refusal to get a single editor or proofreader.

Speaking from experience here, as I have approx 16,000 words of a 'X is a Vampire, Adventure to fix/save Equestria and thwart a villain' story in the works, you REALLY need to have it stand out. There's... nothing here. Not a damn thing to catch the eye, ensnare our mind, nothing.

Really, you should quit half assing things so hard. Get an idea, write it out, GET SOME EDITORS FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, and actually write some of it out rather than squirting it out like the runs. When you put your mind to it, you can write pretty quickly, but the quality is Taco Bell grade meat. Barely passable through the system, and it leaves many problems in its wake.

Although, I suppose I should thank you. Your unreadable and illegible story Crimson Night planted the seed for my own vampire story, as I knew I could pull off a premise like that a helluva lot better.

2869375

I suppose I should thank you for your comment in regards to which it relates to my appraisal of this story...

You must know the author rather well to make such... bold... statements about their ability.

And you have a story of your own? I would like to hear more about this. So nice to find a writer with a gut of piss and vinegar!

Interesting I must say. I am a fairly big fan of Vampire & Vampony stories. Will be sure to fav, in hopes to see what happens next. :)

2869375>>2869383
I've been following this author for a while now, and while I admit there are flaws, I can at least say that he can come up with some very unique and interesting ideas. Granted the pacing and delivery of such ideas are rarely at the point they need to be at.
To be perfectly honest I can actually relate to the author in some ways. Granted this is just an assumption on my part in light of what has been posted in the comments of his stories. I tend to believe that I am unwaveringly right in all things I do. Therefore I do not actually take criticism. Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that Dark can't take criticism, he does so very well for a writer on this site. However, he is much more likely to make an excuse or say that a story is just bad from the start than he is to improve it, or his very writing style.
This concept then extends to the need for an editor. His grammar is admirable and needs no actual work so everything after that would be working on the main concepts in what's being said at a given moment. Based on my own thoughts I wouldn't ever want another person telling me how to do something. Granted that isn't good and that's why I decided that I wouldn't write, and indeed I rarely say anything about subjects that I know nothing about. I just make a point to voice my concerns on topics that can't be ignored, and may have slipped by some people.
Dark is an admirable writer, if a bit stubborn and clumsy, but his concepts far surpass what I see from most.

2869541
While I will agree with you as far as some of his ideas being unique, have you gone back and checked his older, and newer works? Editing extends beyond just grammar, it also covers structure and flow as well. There's a LOT an editor can do to help improve a story, and he would be able to have some high quality work if he had one.

Hell, Crimson Night. Go back and pull up a chapter or two and read it. He's obviously come a long way since then, but repition in this latest one with a distinct lack of any sort of flair makes this simply another 1000 word intro into a story that anyone could put out.

Anytime I see his name, I pull up the story, maybe even follow it for a little bit, but in the end, the structure just falls flat. At this point, it's more infuriating to see that such potential is constantly wasted and cut at its base before it can really get going, all because he's too fucking stubborn to go to one of the many groups and simply request minor aid for structural and grammar edits. So, while I can repsect him to a certain degree, it's fucking infuriating that he's fine putting out swill over and over again. I've gotten past the point of trying to be polite about it, so I bluntly point out the problems.

Always boils down to... Get an editor.

What it really boils down to is when I see his name, I just know that it's going to be a potentially great premise, but zero point in reading it, as I'd rather read well written and structured cliches than poorly structured unique ideas. Bah, hard to keep my mind on track at this early hour. Hopefully I've said what I meant to say here.

2869554
You've expressed yourself well, although perhaps i hadn't done well in expressing myself. I understand that editors help with more than just grammar. I myself have helped a few authors with flow and pacing. What I had meant in all of that was the fact that he is most likely too proud to seek or even accept help from others.
Again I'm basing that off of what I know of myself and the trends I see in his comments when defending his work. Now in terms of his continued work without seeking help. I can understand and relate to what you're saying about how frustrating it is to see such wonderful premises fall flat. I suppose it mainly comes down to a difference of opinion. I tend to put creative concepts over other things, and then I can follow the story until a better version comes along.

To be honest I'm waiting for someone to revise The Twilight was Dark Tonight.

2869375

This is a prologue. A prologue (or incipit, if you want the latin version) is usually composed by three characteristics which have the purpose to inform and interest the reader: presentation of the univers/plot, introduction to the character and to the literary genre. Or this prologue offers no physical elements or descriptions and it's this lack of development which is bothering you (as I understand of your comment). What you're missing is that it's actually a good prologue and not a "presentation of an idea that could be turned into a prologue". And why? Because it fulfil this role!
The whole text is written in first-person narrative, you follow the thoughts of the character and through this obtain information about him: his reasoning (what Luna think about the royalty and the nobles), his position in a conflict (presentation of the conflict Celestia/Vampony, which side Luna is) and most important, his purpose ( she want to meet somepony in ponyville). Consequently, you obtain information about the world too and about the vampires/vampony! Information that the writer will not have to inject in a minor discution (later in the story) in order to gives them to the reader.
And the writer specify that the story will not be in the same style than the prologue. For the lexicon, you have some elements of dark and violence.
This kind of prologue (first person narrative only) is often used in literature in order to win the reader over the character's cause, or to help him to understand this latter. (For example, in The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe, the entire short story is written like this)
I'll not advance that this prologue is perfect, but you cannot deny his fonction.
And for the writer, it's a much better improvement compared with Crimson Night and The Sun and her little sparkle!

I'll edit/proof for you if you would like it. TRACKING not necessarily favoriting. The "IDEA", which is what this is, interests me so I at least want to see what you're going to do with it if anything at all.

After readig all these comments I really think you should take note from all of them. The IDEA behind what you're trying is interesting. It's just you need to be sure the way it is presented is just as interesting. I'm going to watch this story and hope you continue and take the advice given.

MOAR

2869005 Ha! Glad I am not the only one to notice that.

And now then... Moar! Continue this wonderful story idea!

2870351>>2869756 that's all the intro is, showing off an idea without starting a story yet. The actual story will be less scattered and much better executed
2869165 that honestly surprises me, normally my grammar is atrocious at 2:30 in the morning
2869185 it's not even really a teaser, it's just me giving an idea.
2869352 1, I know it's overdone. I have three vampire stories already. What I have yet to see, though, on all of fimfiction is a vampire story focused on Luna and from her point of view. It's probably been done, but I just haven't seen it anywhere.
and even if it was overdone, if I have fun writing it and people have fun reading it then it's win win
2 lack confidence? It's not that I lack confidence, it's that there isn't anything solid yet. This was just an idea that I kind of wanted to start. I just have so many other stories in progress that are begging for updates I didn't want to start something else, so I came up with this and let my readers decide if I should leave it as is or to reach out and form up a solid story out of the scattered ideas
and lastly, editors don't work with me. I know from experience.
2869375 this really pissed me off. you're obviously not paying any attention whatsoever. It's supposed to be just presenting an idea so that the readers can decide whether or not it becomes a story or not. and oh, you have a 16k word story? I'm sorry I couldn't hear you over how little I care. that's nothing compared to what I have, and you should know that if you know who I am.
2869541 lol not so much excuses but yeah excuses. Mainly it's because I have so much trouble putting something out that I have no ideas for that it flops and I couldn't possibly get it any better. As for the editor stuff, for the millionth time I've tried that. multiple times. my writing is just so scatter and eradic, or fast and furious, they can't keep up or get bored. If you'd like to try be my guest, and for that matter if anyone wants to try and be my editor just message me your skype name.
2869554 you know, maybe you should just grow some balls and read a story if you like the idea? the structure isn't god awful, it just needs work and I try my damnedest, but the only way I can learn is by reading other works and seeing how they do it. It is possible for a story to be good just because of the storyline. A lot of my writing is paced a lot slower when I write it, it's just that since nobody reads that slow in the end it looks fast. Stop and think about things as you read and I imagine it'd improve at least a bit.
2869581 then you don't pay attention, friend, it's not that I'm too proud it's that it's never worked. and the twilight was dark tonight is just an idea dump story, little more than that.
well this was a rather long comment string. TL:DR if you want to try and be my editor then message me your skype name, this will become a story that's definitely not as incoherent as the intro

2870586 Ok then It just seemed to me like a teaser I apologize if I have offended you.

2870596 a teaser teases a story or something else, I specifically said this is just an idea that could or couldn't lead to a story. It just annoys me when people say negative things about my stuff when the things they say aren't even what it is or not even there

2870586
Sorry about some of the stuff I stated. I did mention that I had no way of knowing if it was fact, merely assumed information based on observation. I have no real way of knowing you and would never dream of passing off opinion as fact.
In terms of being your editor I'm afraid I'll have to pass. I've worked as an editor for a few stories in the past, and just the idea of doing it again leaves me feeling drained and lifeless. It's more than I can bear to stand from any author. Granted I'll take the odd story on if it's fairly new and the author approaches me personally but other than that I stick to reviews and critiques.
As far as The Twilight was Dark Tonight is concerned, I fully understand that it's your idea dump and have no fault with you having one, but the concepts in it are so much fun to consider that I really wish I could find someone that would approach it from a more linear perspective. At this point it feels like you could split it into three separate stories that have little or nothing to do with each other: The story of Nightmare Twilight(The Origin and Life of Twilight Living with her Glyphs), Twilight in the Guard(Normal Twilight's path to Warrior Princessdom), and lastly Twilight the Reaper.
Not to say that I don't enjoy your ideas, but it would be fun to see stories in which these concepts could really flourish.

I certainly enjoyed it very much even though it is a teaser or an intro. I do like the idea of Luna being the Queen of Vampires but I also like your point of view on how you view the princess and the vampires so far. I would really like to see what you come up with.

2919047
this is the best comment EVER , really the BEST EVER!!!!!
this made me giggle so hard

I’m a Vampire. And no, I do not sparkle in the sun.

THANK GOD!