A young boy was soon to be killed by his parents who accidentally gave birth to him.They were supposedly about to correct their mistake by killing him.
You need to fix the format of your story because you have a lot of sentences that look like this:
I awoke and saw Celestia in the huge bed next to me asleep but not anywhere close to me.I let sleep take me again until morning.When I awoke again I saw Celestia come back in through the balcony and noticed she had a sun on her flank and I remembered the six ponies I saw yesterday had marks on their flanks as well.
That is a huge eyesore and most people will be deterred just by looking rather than reading, so the sentence should look like this or something similar:
I awoke and saw Celestia in the huge bed next to me asleep but not anywhere close to me.I let sleep take me again until morning.When I awoke again I saw Celestia come back in through the balcony and noticed she had a sun on her flank and I remembered the six ponies I saw yesterday had marks on their flanks as well.
So just fix the format more and you will be better off, well sayonara for now.
Not to flame but if he's ten then he wouldn't know how money works and he would not be thinking about a job, Also someone his age would be innocent and would not get sexual hints. And suggestions if you changed his age to like 14-16 it would seem more legit
2854979. When rarity asks him to take of fhis cloths, and I am at chapter 7 so I see no big age change so far and, Really? 7 foot long sword , that's bigger then. Himself. That he can swing it easily. I don't comment unless there some serious logic flaws, not to mention how big the case must be
It wasn't a sexual hint. If you had to strip down almost bare in front of anyone, would you be embarrassed beyond comprehension? I know I would. As for the length of the blade it makes since if you recall, it was magically enchanted to be light as a feather. So, that wouldn't be wrong in logic.
Seems very healthy, just under normal pony speed, after nine years of abuse and six months of being mostly unable to move. I have problems with him finally finding a caring parental figure, and leaving without any real transition.
You need to fix the format of your story because you have a lot of sentences that look like this:
I awoke and saw Celestia in the huge bed next to me asleep but not anywhere close to me.I let sleep take
me
again until morning.When I awoke again I saw Celestia come back in through the balcony and noticed
she
had a sun on her flank and I remembered the six ponies I saw yesterday had marks on their flanks as
well.
That is a huge eyesore and most people will be deterred just by looking rather than reading, so the sentence should look like this or something similar:
I awoke and saw Celestia in the huge bed next to me asleep but not anywhere close to me.I let sleep take me again until morning.When I awoke again I saw Celestia come back in through the balcony and noticed she had a sun on her flank and I remembered the six ponies I saw yesterday had marks on their flanks as well.
So just fix the format more and you will be better off, well sayonara for now.
2833942
Thank you for bringing this to my attention.I'll get to it right away.Can't believe I made such a careless mistake with transferring words.
Were you even interested in the story based upon the description and what you read?
Not to flame but if he's ten then he wouldn't know how money works and he would not be thinking about a job, Also someone his age would be innocent and would not get sexual hints. And suggestions if you changed his age to like 14-16 it would seem more legit
2854945
Where could you notice this? I don't see him realizing any sexual hint here at all. Also, you need to read thoroughly, his age does change.
2854979. When rarity asks him to take of fhis cloths, and I am at chapter 7 so I see no big age change so far and, Really? 7 foot long sword , that's bigger then. Himself. That he can swing it easily. I don't comment unless there some serious logic flaws, not to mention how big the case must be
2855012
It wasn't a sexual hint. If you had to strip down almost bare in front of anyone, would you be embarrassed beyond comprehension? I know I would. As for the length of the blade it makes since if you recall, it was magically enchanted to be light as a feather. So, that wouldn't be wrong in logic.
2855038
But who gives a 10 year old a sword.
3355030 Who gives a ten year old their own shotgun?
My cousin in North Carolina. So a sword isn't much of a stretch.
Seems very healthy, just under normal pony speed, after nine years of abuse and six months of being mostly unable to move.
I have problems with him finally finding a caring parental figure, and leaving without any real transition.
the progression in this story is unnaturally fast, and the author doesn't bother writing out many details that could help space it out more...