A young boy was soon to be killed by his parents who accidentally gave birth to him.They were supposedly about to correct their mistake by killing him.
There is something with this entire story that is putting me off, although I am not entirely sure what it is. It may be the fact that a 10 year old child that is now 13 years old after only a six month time gap in the story is falling in love with a pony that is most likely much older than him. Also, I feel as if there is no/not much shown emotion for many events such as when Amos attacks the timber wolves, I would have expected a 13 year old child to be scared or maybe curious than to just full on attack.
If the age of Amos were never mentioned in the story I would have most likely assumed that he was perhaps a young adult, in other words he is acting a lot more mature than what his actual age is. I personally would have expected shyness, fear, and maybe even anger from a young and abused child. There are many other things I have spotted wrong in the story, and in my opinion, the story, as well as your writing can only get better. I will follow this story just to see what happens, but no offense, I think it is already going downhill.
At this point, i highly recommend that u take a while and rewrite this, the history now feel so rushed, like encounter said, wtf, suddenly amos knows swordsmanship, have the 6 months recovering in bed and suddenly haves the physical traits of average ponys?, also he is too cunning for his age, right now sounds like he is preparing for war o maybe assassinate somepony.
I agree with both of these coments, but keep in mind that this story has a fair amount if potential. You DEFINATELY need a proof-reader, however. Also, forgive me for asking but, is engilish your first language? Your other story that I've read would say so. The wording seems really awkward at times.
If he did know swordsmanship well he wouldn't have been injured.Say cunning if you must but look at how he was treated for six years.SIX years!He would obviously want to be prepared for anything.The sword given to him, which he doesn't like to use unless he has to, was enchanted to be lightweight.He was never told that it was so as a result he thinks he is quite strong.There is also a magic field that can be felt all over Equestria, how do you think that a human body would react to such?He may be close to average pony running speed but that is only because he is determined to try his best in Equestria.He wants to have a great life that was never given to him.During those six months he was given great food filled with many vitamins and minerals.He was also given some pills that contained such if he needed so.His body recovered some while his injuries were healing
The faster aging will be explained later on.I also plan to change the numbers so it could make more since.His mind is still young so he can't fully comprehend mysterious happenings in the world.He attacked because he didn't want to lose his friends or his friend's trust.If you haven't had any friends since the day you were born and beaten constantly and not allowed to die, would you be afraid to lose your friends over things that you did NOT do?I would think so.If you noticed he has said "I hope" to himself.He was self-doubting himself.He didn't think he could handle it.If he hadn't been used to the pain from all the beating in his years back on Earth he would have flinched in agony too much.That would give the timberwolves time to fully attack and then brutally slaughter him.Remember though, Celestia was the one to take him in.She had been teaching him about friendship through reports of Twilight.Thus, was taught to never abandon your friends and to always help them when you can.I shall make a lot of changes, just give me time.
English is my first language.I am still searching for a proofreader or editor.I am hoping that Alchemo Arrow accepts my request.I may write awkward according to you.I do so because it just feels normal to me.Every writer has a different style of writing, right?Many people have said this story has a lot or some potential.
Don't let bad receptions get to you. Just keep on trucking. Determination is key to becoming a good writer. Plus, having practice and planning out your story a lot before uploading comes in handy so you can make slight changes in the future fast. That is exactly what I did. If you want I can take a look at that story and see what suggestions I can give or be a proofreader for you.
funny that you should mention planning, I have no less than 10 different ways to get the main character to Ponyville, and no less than 10 ways he will fall in love with his future wife, and no less than 10 different jobs he will have in Ponyville.
And no, I have no intention to continue with it publicly. I will write it for my friends, and people who WANT to read it.
Message me them once I take a look at the story. You have a little too many ways and need to narrow down. I can help point out things that will cause loopholes further in the story. Making many ways is also good, but it can make it hard to decide on which to use.
When The Lost One took off it was rough. As I got deeper into the story the likes went up.so see how it does for a moment. Ask for criticism that you can use.
2836892 you say all this stuff but you need to put it in the story. Also what does the kid look like? Is he skinny and frail? Or does he have some meat on his bones? How tall is he and has be began maturing? Your talk of the vitamins is messing up how I imagine Amos.
There is something with this entire story that is putting me off, although I am not entirely sure what it is. It may be the fact that a 10 year old child that is now 13 years old after only a six month time gap in the story is falling in love with a pony that is most likely much older than him. Also, I feel as if there is no/not much shown emotion for many events such as when Amos attacks the timber wolves, I would have expected a 13 year old child to be scared or maybe curious than to just full on attack.
If the age of Amos were never mentioned in the story I would have most likely assumed that he was perhaps a young adult, in other words he is acting a lot more mature than what his actual age is. I personally would have expected shyness, fear, and maybe even anger from a young and abused child. There are many other things I have spotted wrong in the story, and in my opinion, the story, as well as your writing can only get better. I will follow this story just to see what happens, but no offense, I think it is already going downhill.
At this point, i highly recommend that u take a while and rewrite this, the history now feel so rushed, like encounter said, wtf, suddenly amos knows swordsmanship, have the 6 months recovering in bed and suddenly haves the physical traits of average ponys?, also he is too cunning for his age, right now sounds like he is preparing for war o maybe assassinate somepony.
I agree with both of these coments, but keep in mind that this story has a fair amount if potential. You DEFINATELY need a proof-reader, however. Also, forgive me for asking but, is engilish your first language? Your other story that I've read would say so. The wording seems really awkward at times.
2836106
If he did know swordsmanship well he wouldn't have been injured.Say cunning if you must but look at how he was treated for six years.SIX years!He would obviously want to be prepared for anything.The sword given to him, which he doesn't like to use unless he has to, was enchanted to be lightweight.He was never told that it was so as a result he thinks he is quite strong.There is also a magic field that can be felt all over Equestria, how do you think that a human body would react to such?He may be close to average pony running speed but that is only because he is determined to try his best in Equestria.He wants to have a great life that was never given to him.During those six months he was given great food filled with many vitamins and minerals.He was also given some pills that contained such if he needed so.His body recovered some while his injuries were healing
2835900
The faster aging will be explained later on.I also plan to change the numbers so it could make more since.His mind is still young so he can't fully comprehend mysterious happenings in the world.He attacked because he didn't want to lose his friends or his friend's trust.If you haven't had any friends since the day you were born and beaten constantly and not allowed to die, would you be afraid to lose your friends over things that you did NOT do?I would think so.If you noticed he has said "I hope" to himself.He was self-doubting himself.He didn't think he could handle it.If he hadn't been used to the pain from all the beating in his years back on Earth he would have flinched in agony too much.That would give the timberwolves time to fully attack and then brutally slaughter him.Remember though, Celestia was the one to take him in.She had been teaching him about friendship through reports of Twilight.Thus, was taught to never abandon your friends and to always help them when you can.I shall make a lot of changes, just give me time.
2836751
English is my first language.I am still searching for a proofreader or editor.I am hoping that Alchemo Arrow accepts my request.I may write awkward according to you.I do so because it just feels normal to me.Every writer has a different style of writing, right?Many people have said this story has a lot or some potential.
I plan to take a break on this for a little and work on Never Leave Me.
2836892
I honestly have no come back for that. Hat tip to you, my good sir. at least this is getting a better reception than my last story...
2841020
Don't let bad receptions get to you. Just keep on trucking. Determination is key to becoming a good writer. Plus, having practice and planning out your story a lot before uploading comes in handy so you can make slight changes in the future fast. That is exactly what I did. If you want I can take a look at that story and see what suggestions I can give or be a proofreader for you.
2841040
funny that you should mention planning, I have no less than 10 different ways to get the main character to Ponyville, and no less than 10 ways he will fall in love with his future wife, and no less than 10 different jobs he will have in Ponyville.
And no, I have no intention to continue with it publicly. I will write it for my friends, and people who WANT to read it.
2841062
Message me them once I take a look at the story. You have a little too many ways and need to narrow down. I can help point out things that will cause loopholes further in the story. Making many ways is also good, but it can make it hard to decide on which to use.
When The Lost One took off it was rough. As I got deeper into the story the likes went up.so see how it does for a moment. Ask for criticism that you can use.
If Amos is essentially adopted by Celestia, does this make him surrogate family to the Sparkles(and Cadence), Luna's nephew and Blueblood's cousin?
2836892 you say all this stuff but you need to put it in the story. Also what does the kid look like? Is he skinny and frail? Or does he have some meat on his bones? How tall is he and has be began maturing? Your talk of the vitamins is messing up how I imagine Amos.