I open my eyes to fine myself face-to-face with a pink earth pony with a curly mane that smelled like...cotton ca -- wow, I guess that fanfics more-or-less are a reliable source, after all.
"How...am I not surprised by this."
Ironically, the aforementioned pony is astonished by my sudden remark, and goes flying backwards as a result, revealing the presence of five other ponies...they were expecting me.
I start to sit up, and I can feel...I can feel wings spreading.
"Why helloooo~~...." says the first voice I hear, which is followed by a growl that instantly reminds me of Roy Orbison...but fortunately for me, it turns out to be just Rainbow Dash...a rather lasciviously looking Rainbow Dash. At this point, though, I'm not sure whether I should be worried by this.
"Do ya think ya could wait a lil' bit at least bafore ya start hittin' on the poor pony?!"
As I sit up I quickly shake my head in an attempt to fully get myself out of the 'realm' that I had just left.
"Actually...I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with Applejack here..." I say without even opening my eyes yet.
"Huh? What tha hay is that suppos'd ta mean?"
"What that's supposed to mean is that I can't believe I'm not wanting to get hit on..."
As I finally start to regain my senses, I find my new friends laughing at my joke, despite the sincere truth in it.
Noticing some movement in front of me, I exclaim "Pinkie! Stop breaking the fourth wall!" to the party pony who I see ahead of me, prompting a 'sorry' out of her, before she takes off for what I'm guessing is preparation for my 'welcome to Ponyville' party.
"Wow...you already know a lot about us, don't you?" says a voice to my immediate right, whom I turn and find to be Twilight.
"Well...that goes both ways here, doesn't it?"
"Girls, we should probably let him be a bit while he's still recovering. Formal introductions can wait until later." says another voice, coming from the right of Twilight, which turns out to be Rarity.
With some whining from Rainbow, they start to leave.
"Don't you think I should ask some basic questions first?"
They stop momentarily before they leave, with the exception being Twilight, who walks back over to me with a chuckle.
"Alright then, ask away."
I go straight out with them. [color=crimsond]"Where am I currently, what time is it, I'm hungry, and where's the bathroom?"
Twilight laughs. "That penultimate one wasn't a question."
I smirk. "I never said they were all questions."
"Touché." she says, as she starts to help me up.
I stumble as my new hooves make their first ever contact with the Equestrian ground, but fortunately Twilight quickly catches me with her magic.
"It's weird, isn't it? Having to take your first steps as a full...grown...stallion." Twilight says as she turns away with a nervous laugh as she says those last three words, desperately trying to hide her deep crimson blush, which she's not doing a good job at.
I start to catch on. "Alright, how many of you are attracted to me?" Twilight responds with only a deeper blush. I let out a sigh as I look down and shake my head, facehoofing. "This...is going to be interesting..." I add, wiping my hoof down my face.
Twilight also lets out a sigh. "That's an understatement..."
I look back up at the purple unicorn and wittingly add "As is that."
With another nervous laugh, Twilight promptly showed me the way to her bathroom, making certain to use her body to help me keep my balance as I'm still getting used to my new body...although I can tell that Twilight is taking advantage of it for the visible excitement that she's getting just from touching me. However, I'm not minded by this, albeit only because I am now fully aware of the intense crush that each of the mane six apparently has on me. I do need to be extremely cautious, though, as I don't want to do anything I might later regret, even if it seems to be worth it at the time.
After establishing those mental guidelines for myself, I also realize that that doesn't mean that I can't have any 'fun' with this...so long as I don't take it too far, though by the looks of it so far, I have a feeling that I won't be wearing the 'daddy pants' anytime soon.
I clear my thoughts with another shake of my head, finding that we've just arrived at the bathroom. As I maneuver myself in, I decide with a smirk to give Twilight an intentional bump with my flank.
Afterwards, I feel much better -- I guess that simply needing to piss like a race horse...wow, another pun?... was what had been making it so difficult to get a hold of my senses. As I walk out -- which I now find to be instinctive -- and I can start to smell something...something that caused my eyes to widen...
FOOD!!!
I make my way towards the source -- swiftly, but carefully -- and, judging by the position of the sun in the sky, which I can see through a window, I determine that this is lunch. As I walk into the kitchen, I notice that Twilight is still blushing, the color of which I'd describe as a mix of ruby and maroon.
"That blush will become permanent if you keep that up."
Twilight looked in my direction, then simply blushes even more. I walk over and take a seat at the table, and after several seconds the lavender mare breaks the silence.
"I'm warning you...I'm not very good at cooking...at all."
My response is what will be later known as the first of my 'philosophical quotes', which I would end up being well known for -- mainly for the fluency and wit in them, in my opinion.
"The quality of something means nothing when said something is direly needed."
Twilight puts her cooking on a plate and sets it down before me, taking a seat across from me. I grin manically at what is set before me: a grilled cheese. Twilight laughs as she sees my reaction, visibly pleased with herself.
After eating, I immediately start to get lost in a thought, but fortunately, Twilight speaks up before that could happen.
"Hey...Brendan..."
I look up, surprised at first that she knew my birth name, though it wasn't long before I remembered that they had been told all about me...
"Yeah, Twilight?"
"Um...could you follow me? We need to do something."
Immediately, the whole crush-thing burst into my thoughts, but fortunately for me, I could tell from Twilight's face that this was regarding my being here. I've never really been certain how I can tell these things, I...just guess I'm good at reading body language.
I nod and stand up, thanking her yet again for the food, as I already had several times during the meal. As I do, Twilight stands as well, then walks over to the staircase leading to the upper floor, then turns and gives me an encouraging gesture, then waits for me to get to her before continuing.
Once we got to the upper level, I recognized what room I was in: this was the main area of the library, which also served as....Twilight's bedroom. I saw Twilight walk over to a standing mirror that was along the side of the room, and beckoned me over once again with a wave of her hoof. Once I got to her, I noticed my reflection in the mirror, and when I turned to look, I immediately saw why Twilight had brought me up here.
I was white -- not caucasian white, but a complete-lack-of-color white. The basic majority of my body looked as if I had just escaped from a coloring book....but my eyes, mane, tail, wings, as well as several different lines on my body, all flickered, reminiscent of aha's iconic music video for their song 'Take On Me' -- scratch that, exactly like in that video. With all this thinking, I confused myself, as I do sometimes: did I look more like I was out of a coloring book, or a comic book, which was what the aha video was about.
I manage to snap myself out of my self-inflicted trance to find Twilight highly amused at my intense thinking, barely holding back a laugh. I started to chuckle myself, before finally deciding on a course of action.
I look at my reflection in the mirror with a smirk, as I humorously think my plan:
Time to make myself look 'pretty'.
Hmm, tracking for now. Want to see where you are going with this story.
220557
...you still have your top-right drop-down on light, don't you?
Here are some words of advice I can give you:
1. Google Gary Stu/ Mary Sue
2. A lot of people don't like self-inserts (again, google it) even though it's just a preference thing (I don't mind to be honest), I highly urge you to avoid self inserts unless you know what you're doing.
3. Edit, Edit and lastly, Edit. don't publish your chapters unless you're absolutely certain they're done.
4. You are clearly writing in a 1st person narrative. Here are some pointers for you (It's going to be long):
1) If you are choosing to write a character in first-person, you have chosen to remove yourself from the equation.
Many first-person protagonists are really just bodies through which the author speaks. There should be no traces of you in the actions, dialogue, or thoughts of the protagonist. (I'm using "protagonist" here with the assumption that the first-person narrator (FPN) is also the main character (MC). This is not always the case, such as in The Great Gatsby, in which the narrator is a side-character telling the story of the protagonist.) The protagonist should have his/her own mind - just because you like vanilla ice cream, doesn't mean the FPN should also like vanilla ice cream. Avoid pasting your own characteristics onto the FPN. Trust me, the reader will find out - the moment the character's voice begins to sound contrived and forced.
2) Never have the character think, say, or do things that he/she would normally never think, say, or do.
If your FPN is a pacifist, would he/she normally say or think: "When I heard about the destruction of the village, I felt a righteous fury so strong that I wanted to take up a sword and go after the murderers myself"? No, they wouldn't. Don't alter the belief systems of your characters for the sake of dramatic effect, or to make your FPN sound all moral and righteous. A pacifist might look for an alterior method of retaliation besides war - perhaps negotiations or compromise or a quiet mission that takes out the enemy from the inside, so as to avoid mass bloodshed. Sure, the FPN can feel rage - sure, he/she can want revenge. But don't suddenly make him/her into a warrior to appease readers. Similarly, if a heroine who's normally quiet and passive is engaged in some kind of conflict with another character, would she really respond to the character with a quick, clever response that shocks the opponent into silence? I doubt it. Perhaps, if the rage has been building up over an extended period of time. But out of the blue, without any warning to the reader? I think not.
Furthermore, watch your FPN's language. If your MC is a thief on the streets, stealing to survive, with no prior education or guidance, would they really use an elaborate simile to describe the setting sun? Nope. When faced with the choice of ornate figurative language or a more direct way of showing, definitely go with the latter. For example:
"She had eyes like the reflection of the moon on water, alternating between flickering hues of silver and deep blue"
VS
"Her eyes flickered silver and blue."
3)Don't let your FPN be too conscious of themselves.
Of course there are allowances for this: if it's one of your character's traits to be self-centered and always talking about themselves, then it's fine (even if it is annoying). Otherwise, don't, don't, DON'T do this:
"My hair was like a river, long and shining, deep purple in color. I had icy blue eyes and a thin, stern mouth that was still full and pink, despite its severity." Yeah, so you did that whole "My FPN is walking along when she happens upon a mirror and stops to look at some random thing on her face, which allows her to conveniently describe herself to the reader without seeming vain" trick. That reeks of fail subtlety. Find a less self-conscious way to describe the FPN - maybe compare the FPN with others of his/her family or race. Something that takes the focus away from the MC and allows you to also expand on other characters.
4)The reason many people dislike FPNs is because they believe that first person narration gives MCs an excuse to angst.
Because of my love for first person, I find it offensive when I see a first-person narrator's potential wasted on "Omg my life sucks so bad, I have all these powers and I'm stuck in a love triangle what do I doooo" (Yes, Smeyer, I'm looking at YOU). Why? Why does first-person have to equal self-pity? "Oh, noes, I have super awesome power and that means I'm weird or different from everyone else." STOP. When you feel your FPN begin to slip into self-pity, or if something happens that could cause the FPN to angst, have him/her do the unexpected. Have him/her get mad instead of sad and floppy. Have him/her try to improve rather than sit around and mope. Have him/her work to control their powers or situation or whatever, rather than cry about how hopeless it is. If I see another "I knew there was nothing I could do. Everything was my fault, and everyone knew it" in any kind of book, I'll hunt down the author and stab them repeatedly with a spork. *sharpens spork*
5)Having a witty FPN is fine. Having a smart-ass FPN is fine. But don't overdo it.
Witty FPNS are great, in my opinion. You get that snide humor that's not as easily wrought in third-person. Even a smart-ass FPN is fine, because it's often a flaw - sometimes an MC can't keep his/her mouth shut, and that gets them into deep doo-doo, which is fun to watch and see how how they get out of it. Intelligent banter between two characters is also fun to watch. But when this person's making cracks at least once a paragraph, it can start to get tiring. I don't mean internal thought that's just naturally funny - such as an observation that strikes the reader as amusing, even if it wasn't the author's intention - but actual, intended jokes about some situation or character. For example, if the MCs and the FPN are sneaking somewhere, trying to track somebody or find their secret lair, don't have the FPN say something funny. It breaks the tension you worked so hard to create and makes the reader - who was previously leaning forward, intensely following each line of text with their eyes - groan and roll those eyes instead. Similarly, if the FPN is having an argument with another character, don't give the FPN all the witty lines and have your opposing character say stupid, pointless stuff or just gape moronically. Remember: the FPN is telling the story themselves, and if he/she is winning the argument and is aware of it, that's a dangerous sign of big-headed-ness in both the author and the MC. So, please. Don't.
Overall, I think your story has potential. I'm tracking it. Just don't disappoint me :)
Ooooooh, this could be very interesting. Do continue.
220590
First things first: :golf clap: Writing that much in a comment takes patience, more than most people have. Furthermore, I think I need to address your points one by one:
1. Meh, perhaps later.
2. This is one key aspect of my entire plan for this story in a nutshell. Not only would I not do that, but if I did, it would only make writing this more difficult on my part.
3. I don't like self-conscious people anyway, so that's not a problem.
4. *holds up a rusty spork* Could I join you, 'cause I hate that shit too. We really seem to be thinking alike here, btw
5. I'm actually being cautious of that. Not only would it derail the story, but irl it would likely get you mugged, both of which are things I'd like to avoid.
Additional note: The main reason why I started this story was to keep everything in character, including my OC, which is yet another reason why I input myself into the story. Why? Because I'm quite familiar with my own character, and since the story is from that POV, it makes sense to use the character I'm most familiar with. Anything my OC says in a situation is what I would say, and the same goes for reactions. I'm witty in real life, I'm skilled at reading body language in real life, etc.
Also, the only reason why I had published that chapter in it's unfinished state was because Chapter 1 wasn't over 1000 words, and I wanted the story itself to get through the moderation queue (my prior story had taken about four days or so to do so.)
Anyway, thank you for your input!!!
Nice for now. What happened with the coloring scheme on the second chapter?
Also, what's happening with A Golden Flame? Is this like a prequel to this, or are you ditching the other story for good?
*please don't be the second one.*
220708
I'm just writing this while I had an idea for it. I'm still not finished with A Golden Flame
As for the color scheme...I just haven't gotten to it yet. xD
I say, this has great potential
Good concept, and I don't mind the idea of use the most related and use ones decisions and go through with it.
I didn't minded the first chapter ( I have good eye sight)
I like it. The pinkie in me says get it started already but the sheldon in me says keep the puns coming.