Due to a botched spell, Molestia is born. Eager to curb Molly's salatious ways, Celestia sends her to Ponyville to learn the magic of friendship from her most faithful student.
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Wow, like, what's with the hate on Rarity? Molly just instantly hated her the moment she saw her! Molly's apology's going to have to be a REAL good one.
This is such an amazing story that I can't wait to read more. You have a follower incoming.
Hmmmm... starting to notice a few things which can be improved.
An interesting interaction with Rarity they had. Molly wasn't too good with her because she knew that Rarity had eyes on Dusk and didn't want to see him get hurt, that's okay.
However, you really could have shown that rather than tell us through Molly's dialogue. It's an interesting concept and definitely has the ability to be intriguing, but perhaps it could be better served if it was built up a bit more, then executed.
Here's how it kind of went down:
They go to meet Rarity. Molly doesn't like her because she reminds her too much of the nobles at Canterlot. As soon as they're out of ear shot, Molly reveals her true feelings on the matter of Rarity hurting Dusk with her soppy waffling back and forth attitude towards what she wants romantically.
My question is what clued her in? Is she just that good? Does she have some special radar or something thats able to detect something like that? Rather than showing us through action, you're telling us all her motivation through dialogue. Which can work in some instances, but just picture this.
Molly is sitting on a couch and just feels an inexplicable need to explain out loud her innermost thoughts on the matter? Who is she telling this to? Opal? Sweetie Belle? The readers? Why would she be addressing us? We're not supposed to be in this story.
And her tearing Rarity a new one just felt kind of felt thrown in there.
The whole chapter is kind of like this: You've got some good ideas working here. They just need to be fleshed out and built up more. Rather than straight telling us, show us. build up the tension between Rarity and Dusk until it explodes into a passionate kiss. build up the animosity between Molly and Rarity before it comes to Molly berating Rarity. Have the fallout between Molly and Dusk and the suggested apology remain largely the same, but perhaps go into more detail about it.
As it stands, things happen at such a rapid pace, it's hard for me to really digest one action before another one is smacking me in the face. Why would Rarity kiss Dusk when she fully knows he wants to impress Cherilee? Why would Molly berate Rarity seemingly on a whim? It's things that are certainly doable, they just need more detail put into them. Draw it out a bit more, really REALLY make Dusk and Rarity feel uncomfortable before Rarity snogs Dusk. Maybe have Molly pick and pry into the relationship between Dusk and Rarity with her usual dirtiness before deciding she doesn't very much like what Rarity would do to Dusk.
Give some subtle cues to Rarities feelings towards Dusk which Molly picks up on. That kinda stuff.
Also, Molly acts like she's personally known Rarity for a very long time. But I don't think its explained how she knows them. Did she pick that up from Celestia or something? Why would she call her "Miss Belle?" how did she even know her last name was Belle? She hasn't met Sweetie Belle I don't think. I'm not even sure if Belle is even a last name. But Rarity Belle certainly does sound cool.
2684927 1). Molestia has Celestia's intelligence and perception. She knew of Rarity before she met her because Celestia did. Remember, Molestia was part of Celestia at one point. I admit I did not explain that very well, but I implied it. 2).Molly is not addressing the audience, she is talking to herself because Dusk is out of earshot. I suppose I could have had her think it, as inner monologue but I decided not to. 3). Rarity was lonely and desperate for romance because Blueblood rejected her. She isn't so emotionally stable to just shrug that off. Besides, she's known Dusk for a few years by this point and is attracted to his kind personality as well as his looks . Despite being the element of generosity, she is prone to being selfish.
I hope that cleared some things up for you. Thanks for reading!
2685008
Hello! Thank you for responding! But I have a few things.
1. Ah okay, that certainly clears things up a tad.
2. I know she was talking to herself, but the important question is why? Why did she feel the need to talk to herself? Is she just that kind of character? Or do the readers need a bit of catching up to do and this is the only way to do it? Plus, it still begs the question how Molly was able to discern that Rarity was attracted to Dusk. Yeah Rarity did let something like "Maybe I should have used you as a standard." slip out, but Molly certainly wasn't around to hear that. So how did Molly figure it out?
3. Okay, Rarity likes Dusk, but thats not what I'm saying here. What I'm saying is that there was no build up at all to many of the important actions in this chapter. Rarity says "Maybe I should have used you as a standard" in one paragraph and is throwing herself at him in the next. Molly is cordial to her when she says hello, but uses her mane as a segway into hating her guts. What gives? Things escalated way to quickly for the reader to get a good sense on where characters stand with each other.
Why not have them start off with a few minor tiffs?
"Oh... you dyed your mane darling?"
"Yes... is that a problem?"
"Oh not at all."
build up to a few quips about her off colored mane or loose demeanor. While Molly mentions the gobs of makeup on her face.
"I don't know but you certainly seem looser, relaxed I guess, than before darling."
"Uh ladies?"
"Hush Dusk, why yes I am. The high life just wasn't quite all its cracked up to be. What with the parties and the nobles and gobs and gobs and GOOOOOBS of makeup you had to put on every night."
"Molly..."
"Quiet Dusk, if our esteemed RULER wants to make an observation she has every right to."
Then just have them stop just short of mane pulling
"MARSHMALLOW BUTT"
"CHICKEN LEGS!"
"PRISS FIT!"
"YOUR MANE LOOKS LIKE IT BELONGS TO A CLOWN!"
"for the love of LADIES!"
"QUIET DUSK!!!"
I'm not saying to use this exact formula, but a build up would be nice. Rather than having everything dump all at once. Like I said before, some great ideas at work here, a bit more fleshing out would serve them greatly I feel.
Oh that mollestia, she may be smart but she doesn't know how to give constructive criticism without being offensive (offensive criticism usually has the opposite effect).
Cool I have a new fanfic to read. Also just want to say nice job on making a Molestia fanfic I didn't even think I's see one of these until I saw this one.
That's what happens when ego and libido run your life...
2685115 1). I wouldn't say talking to one's self is a weird thing, in this case it was done out of frustration and worry. Sort of a nervous tic, I suppose. She won't be doing it all the time.
2). Molestia disliking Rarity stems from good Ole Celestia. Tia is far better at hiding her disdain for noble ponies. Rares may not be one but she certainly acts like one sometimes. Molly is ALOT more aggressive than Tia. She isn't 100% sure about Rarity liking Dusk, but she going on gut instinct, body language and a wee bit of jealousy. I promise I'll get more into this in the next chapter.
2686519
1. Oh no I don't consider talking to ones self weird at all. Its just that even though it was done out of frustration and nervousness (and a little bit of jealous... well that's juicy isn't it?) I didn't really get that from Molly. Just that she didn't like nobles and Rarity reminded her of said nobles.
2. She seemed awful certain of it when she talked to herself. At least, that's the sense I got from that. But it's okay, I'm probably just jumping the shark (did I use that correctly? Anyway...) But I'm looking forward to future installments! :D I really like this story man, great job!
Wait a minute... Molly is showing signs of interest towards Dusk...
Could it be that Molly is now fulfilling the hidden desire of Princess Celestia?
=( Molly really doesn't like Rarity? She didn't even do anything to her, Rarity's awesome.
Welp, I've found a target for my nuke.
2700364 That makes a lot of sense.
Rarity IS a princess wanna-be. I think Molly could have said every word but her intention was to turn Rarity into something better, kinda like saving the world by being a badass instead of a hero.
I retract my earlier statements; many ponies could come onto Molestia when they find her intentions, but Pinkie is going to tease her so bad.
Rarity: “I’m sorry darling but I couldn’t help myself! You’ve been such a gentlecolt and I’ve been so lonely I…”
Dusk: “I’m sorry Rarity but I can’t do this.”
i1154.photobucket.com/albums/p537/fernindt/Image_Macros/sweetiebelle-comeon.gif
Actually I'm just kidding, Duskie is such a gentle colt for not taking advantage of Rarity~
I don't like rarity
Awww, would ye look at that. Molly is imperfect!
4667089 Me neither. Never liked her from the first time I saw her. Always was an Applejack person, probably cause' I'm Scotish and think Southern Americans sound cute.
Ok, butter cream cake. That sound reasonable. Wait, butterCREAM? Oh fuck
6693570
More like Cream 'er Butt, amiright? Eh? Eh?
Why yes I *have* been twelve years old for a quarter of a century, why do you ask?