Future Progressive: The Speedfics and Drabbles of Present Perfect

by PresentPerfect

Love Means Never Having to Say You're Hungry

Love Means Never Having to Say You're Hungry
by Present Perfect

I had a career. I had dreams. I was gonna be somepony.

Then I met her.

I'm gonna try and keep this short.

From day one, Pinkie Pie totally blew my mind. Yeah, I maybe got a little annoyed by how cheerful she was all the time, but she could keep up with me when nopony else could. Plus she had a fantastic ass. Call me a groundpounder, but earth ponies got curves in all the right places. Anyway, her personality grew on me, and eventually we got to be great friends, then Twilight Sparkle and the Elements, and pranking, yadda, yadda.

Once I realized I liked her as more than a friend, I actually got tongue-tied. Me, the Rainbow Dash, afraid to tell somepony something! But yeah, that's the kind of mare Pinkie is. Of course, once I stopped being lame and actually told her, she was totally down with being my awesome marefriend, because that's also the kind of mare she is.

And that's where the trouble started.

See, one other thing about earth ponies, especially farmers, is they care way more about family ties than pegasi do. Don't ask me about unicorns, I don't know anything about them. But I've met Pinkie's family. They're not exactly the funnest bunch to be around, but I guess they're nice enough. Rock farming's not that exciting, y'know? But the one thing I figured out was that her mom needed to say "I love you", she said it with food.

Sweet Celestia, there was so much food that first time on the farm. And it was so good, and I couldn't stop eating and I kinda regretted it afterward. It was her parents' way of saying they accepted me as a future daughter-in-law. But I should've put the pieces together long before Pinkie and me got married.

Pinkie's just like her mom. I was used to snacking on stuff around Sugarcube Corner while we were dating. It was nothing like what was in store for me during the married life.

It started out slow. I'd get back from a long day of cloud bucking to find a hot meal on the table, because she's an awesome wife, right? On weekends and holidays, the ones we didn't spend with her parents, anyway, she'd make a huge feast. The holidays we did spend with them, well, I wasn't flying home from those.

And then things got worse. Maybe I wasn't super-communicative or whatever Twilight says, but Pinkie just started feeding me stuff constantly. "Oh, Dashie, I baked you some cookies! You want one or three, right?" "Welcome home, Dashie! I baked you a cake! Now eat it all up! Yup, every last slice is goin' into your pretty mouth!"

I started having trouble at work. I couldn't practice stunt flying. Flying for any length of time left me short of breath.

I tried protesting, but any time I did, it was, "Dashie, don't you like my baking?" And what she was really saying was, "Don't you love me?" So help me Celestia, I did, but rejecting her food was like rejecting her. I couldn't convince her otherwise. Maybe I love her too much.

I tried going to my friends for help, but I couldn't convince them there was a problem. Twilight lectured me about being loyal to my spouse. Applejack said I looked well-fed. Rarity complimented me on my curves. I shouldn't even have curves! And Fluttershy just thinks we're super-cute together and can't see past that.

Oh Celestia, she's coming back. I can smell biscuits and butter, and so help me, I need them. She's turned me into an eating machine. I have trouble getting around. If I go to another holiday feast, I'm afraid I'll have a coronary.

Whoever finds this letter, help me. My name is Rainbow Dash. I'm too fat to fly. Don't let Pinkie find out, but do whatever you can. Stop this crazy mare before she kills me.

Author's Note:

This story was based entirely on the image at the end there, and the title I came up with for it. Of course, it's apparently mistitled, given everyone in the writeoff went, "Why wasn't it about changelings?"

D:

Anyway, thanks to the writeoff peeps, especially horizon, for feedback on this one. Don't have much else to say about this one except I hope no one clopped to this, you know who you are! Placed 25th out of 93 entries in the January 2015 writeoff, "All In".

Comments

[Stonershy]

oh hey my fetish

You're right, I do know who I am!

[CyborgSamurai]

I originally read the title as "Love Means Never Having to Say You're Horny"

[PresentPerfect]

5511854
You do :V

5512848
Bangin' mares erryday

[PresentPerfect]

5697823
It's supposed to be an example of how not to write, though. XD It's an exercise in purple prose!

[PresentPerfect]

5775583
I like this comment. :D

[Admiral Biscuit]

Why wasn't it about channeling? I wanted it to be about changlings.

pbs.twimg.com/media/BFpuFq4CcAAohh0.png