Future Progressive: The Speedfics and Drabbles of Present Perfect

by PresentPerfect

"Speak, Butt, and Enter"

"Speak, Butt, and Enter"
by Present Perfect

"Is that really what it says?"

Daring rolled her shoulder, wincing as the bandage on her wing pulled at her feathers.

"Well, strictly speaking, I guess it translates more like 'posterior'." She shot Ditzy a sidelong glance. "It's more polite? Although it is in kind of a strange--"

"So what's the Low Griffish word for 'butt'?" Ditzy reared up and placed her forehooves on the huge stone double-doors. If they hadn't already known this was the entrance to the Lost Temple of Mookrates, there would have been no telling it wasn't just another wall. The writings were faded, and the memories of gems and decorative tiles marked by empty pocks.

Daring's irritation at being interrupted was short-circuited by confusion. "Why Low Griffish?"

"Didn't you say ancient Minos was always at war with the Griffin kingdom?" Ditzy didn't turn her head. "If this place was so important, then only Minotaurs were gonna know about it. So why not make the password something in the language of their enemies to keep it safe from prying hooves? We just have to say 'butt' in whatever language the Griffins were speaking back then, and we can go in!"

Daring blinked. "Ditzy, you're brilliant!"

Ditzy tilted her head back until it was upside-down and blew a raspberry.

"But..." Daring frowned. "Why 'butt'?"

"Butts are serious business," Ditzy said seriously. "And always have been."

"Well," Daring said, wracking her brain, "I'm pretty sure it would have been... 'patooten'."

Ditzy nodded, took a few steps back, and closed her eyes.

"Patooten!" she cried.

They waited. The sounds of tropical jungle life rang through the air around them. Nothing happened.

"Well, I'm out of ideas." Ditzy turned and walked back to Daring.

"Okay," Daring said, rapping on the column bearing the inscription, "take a look at this. 'Butt' is in an imperative case. It doesn't make any sense for a noun, which is why it slipped my mind. Well, that and your brilliant outside-the-box thinking."

Ditzy grinned and waggled her head. Her smile fell, though, and she said, "Wait, I failed history. What's 'imperative'?"

Daring chuckled. "It means 'butt' is a verb. A command, like 'speak'! But what in the hay is it supposed to mean?"

Ditzy grew quiet and still. Her eyes widened to saucers. She turned, ever so slowly, to Daring, and said in a loud whisper, "Daring. Watch very closely. You are about to witness a pony fulfill her life's destiny."

Questions danced on the tip of Daring's tongue, but she held them back in favor of watching. Ditzy turned her back on the temple. She took a deep breath, shaking out her legs and wings. She sat on the ancient stone steps, and a low thud boomed out through the jungle. Daring winced; she heard a sharp crack in there, too. But she held back her admonishments, too enthralled by the sight.

Ditzy closed her eyes. She ruffled her wings. She lay down on the ground.

She tried to butt.

Ditzy butted a lot.

Daring had to shield her eyes, so magnificent was the sight. Light shone all around the temple, scattering birds to the four winds. With the grinding of stone mechanisms that had not moved in millennia, the door at last opened.

"Hooray!" Ditzy cheered, clapping her hooves. "I did it!" She pranced in place a few moments before trotting gleefully into the temple.

Daring could only laugh softly and shake her head. After all they'd been through on this adventure, she had to admit she was glad Ditzy came along. She was pretty sure she wouldn't have been able to get into this temple herself.

She glanced back toward her cutie mark. Well, she'd never admit it, anyway.

Throwing one last glance at the inscription on the column, she followed Ditzy inside.

"Now if only it was as easy to get rid of that Oxenford comma."

Author's Note:

I wrote this after hearing the phrase "speak, but" in a fic reading and making the immediate mental leap to the scene from Lord of the Rings. In case you didn't get the other joke, it comes from this, which in turn is derived from this. Writing this made me wish I'd read The Sisters Doo already. Thanks to archonix for reminding me that Derpy has the most powerful of butts!

Comments

[iisaw]

"Patooten!"

Butt seriously... get rid of the Oxenford comma? Daring, you barbarian grave-robber!

[Cupcakes]

I felt like reading fanfic for the first time in a while, and on your high recommendation I tried Hyperportentia. I definitely enjoyed it, and it gave me the hunger to read even more tonight!

So then I read this.

Yup. And now it's time to go watch some Game Grumps.

(j/k ilu pp <3)

[PresentPerfect]

6386556
This is what happens :V (I'm glad you liked Hyperpopo tho <3)

[Admiral Biscuit]

I was expecting a fart.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/646/327/d39.png

[Cursed Quill]

After mellon failed, I was expecting ramming the door. Y'know, the actual verb meaning of "butt". Especially when dealing with horn-heads like minotaurs.