As soon as the honey flavored candy finished dissolving in her mouth, which was about twenty minutes later, Chloe rolled over onto her stomach, moving to the edge of the bed. Her hind legs dangled over the side, carefully inching herself further and further off the tall bed, not wanting a repeat of her last attempt. With her back hooves firmly on the tile floor, she slid the rest of her body off the bed. Her fore hooves made a loud clomping noise as they came in contact with the floor. She cringed at the loud noise and waited, listening to make sure no one was coming to check on her. After her ears gave her the ‘all-clear’, she quietly walked over to the door, giving it a slight push; it didn’t budge.
Dammit! This door must not be the same type as the one in the hall. She looked up to where the doorknob should have been. Instead of a handle, it was completely flat with the exception of a round metal plate slightly inset into the door.
Well, that’s certainly convenient, especially without having any hands to turn a knob. She smirked as she stood up on her hind legs, balancing herself against the door with one forearm while using the other to push the plate. The plate moved inward. A soft click could be heard coming from within the mechanism as the plate was fully depressed.
Giving the door a gentle push, being as quiet as possible to avoid alerting anyone to her activities, it still didn’t move. She pushed it harder, and then harder still, but the door would not open.
What the hell is wrong with this door?! She jammed her hoof into the plate several more times in frustration but it was all for naught. The door remained closed, silently mocking her futile attempts to open it.
Chloe slid down the door and onto her flank. She sat there on the cold floor for a moment examining the door, double checking it for anything she had missed. While looking at the edges of the door, she noticed a faint shimmering at the corner of the door where it met the frame. Following the light with her eyes, it traveled up the side of the door, back down the other side before finally meeting back up in the corner where she had first noticed it.
This looks the same as that doctor’s mag—that son of a bitch locked me in here! She flinched slightly as her hoof hit the floor a bit more forcefully than she would have liked, sending a wave of pain up her leg and back down her spine, stopping at the base of her tail, causing her to shiver. That’s definitely a new sensation.
Turning her head back to look at her tail, she watched in fascination as it swished back and forth across the floor on its own accord. While looking at it, she noticed that her coat was no longer covered in mud and various other unknown things from yesterday. Someone had given her a bath when she wasn’t aware that they were even doing so! The longer she thought about it, the more disgusted and embarrassed she became. The sound of approaching hoof steps brought her back to reality as she quickly made her way back to the side of the bed.
Then it dawned on her as she looked up.
How am I gonna get back up there? And why do all hospital beds have to be so damn tall? I can’t even see the top! She thought about her predicament and what they would do if they caught her out of the bed, trying to escape for a second time. The hoof steps were right outside her door now, and she was out of options.
Suddenly, as if out of instinct, she brought her hind end as close to the ground as possible, resting all her weight on her two back hooves. Her flank wiggled slightly from side to side before she pushed out her back legs with all her strength. Leaping up into the air and landing on the bed with a soft *pomf*, she rolled on her side, trying to look natural, well natural as possible given her situation.
A resounding click for the door as it swung open. A cart came through the door being pushed by the same creme colored pony that had thwarted her escape earlier. Chloe glared at the mare as she moved the cart next to the bed. Then she looked at the items on the cart; there was a steaming bowl of, something, a glass of water, crackers and a muffin. The sight and smell of real food had reminded her just how hungry she actually was as her glare faded.
“How are you doing, dear? Not moving around too much I hope.” Nurse Heartsong smiled to the filly, placing a portable table down on the bed and began to load it with the items from the cart. “Still not talking to me, huh? I’m just trying to help you get better. I’m not going to hurt you or anything like that,” she said, the smile never leaving her face as placed the last item, a spoon, on the table.
Chloe rolled over onto her back and scooted up against the headboard, getting into an upright sitting position as her stomach started to rumble from what smelled like chicken noodle soup. Using her magic, Heartsong lifted the portable table over Chloe, setting it down across her lap.
“I brought you some hay noodle soup, wheat crackers to go with it, water, and a muffin for desert.” She pointed to each item with a hoof as she spoke. “I hope you enjoy it, I made it myself, just for you. The hay noodle soup is a special family recipe of mine.” She winked at the filly with a grin as she started pushing the cart back out of the room.
Chloe licked her lips at the food that was brought to her before looking up at the mare that was leaving the room. “Thank you,” she softly spoke.
Nurse Heartsong stopped in her tracks, turning around to look at the filly. “What was that, dear? I didn’t quite catch what you said,” she asked with a hint of excitement and confusion in her voice, walking back over to the bed.
“Thank you for the food,” Chloe said again, looking away from the mare and back to the table, pointing to the food. She was proud of herself for getting better pronouncing English words with her new mouth, though she highly doubted they could even understand English, she still wanted to be somewhat civil.
The mare half cocked her head, trying to understand what the filly was saying. She had never heard anything like it before, it just sounded like gibberish.
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand you, dear,” the nurse said, looking down to the table. “Is there something wrong with the food? Is that why you're pointing to it?” She looked over the items on the table, trying to find anything wrong with them. “Well, if you don’t like it, I guess I can go make you something else...” she trailed off, sounding a little hurt, as her horn lit up, surrounding the table.
“Stop!” the filly cried out, throwing both arms over the table, looking up to the mare with pleading eyes.
The sudden outburst startled the nurse as her magic aura dissipated from around the table. “So, you do want the food?” she questioned. A thought came to her as she looked back down to her little patient. “Wait, can you understand what I'm saying? Nod if you can.” She waited a moment for the filly to respond.
“Thank you for not taking the food,” Chloe responded, oblivious to the unicorn’s question as she reached out for the spoon.
“You really can’t understand me, can you? Hmm...” she pondered. “You must be from a faraway land then that speaks a different language. Oh, how exciting! I didn’t even know that there was another language that ponies spoke!” She squeed and trotted in place at the revelation. “Wait until Dr. Charts and Granita here about this!”
Chloe watched the mare with an inquisitive look. What’s up with her? She’s acting really, strange... oh well, food first, strange ponies later. She shrugged, grabbing the spoon only to have it fall out of her grasp. How the hell does picking up something with, with these damn hooves work anyways?! I wish I had my hands back. She sighed as the spoon fell from her hoof for the second time, making a loud clink as it hit the side of the bowl.
The noise brought Heartsong out of her thoughts as she looked back to the source. She watched as the grey filly tried to grasp the utensil and failed to keep ahold of it as it dropped against the side of the bowl again, almost falling completely into it this time. Chloe made a grumbling noise and looked up to the nurse as she pointed to the spoon that now laid haphazardly on the table, the handle coated in hay noodle soup. Heartsong grabbed the cloth towel with her magic that she spotted on the counter and floated it over to her; making sure it was clean before levitating the spoon up and wiping the soup off of it.
“How does a filly of your age not know how to pick things up with their hooves?” She shook her head. “Do you need me to feed it to you?” she asked, knowing that she was not going to get an answer as she scooped some of the soup out with the spoon and floated it over to the filly’s mouth.
Chloe watched as the spoonful of warm soup floated over to her as her ears drooped. I feel like crying. I’m starving but this is just so humiliating. I want my hands, my life, back. I don’t want to have to be fed and treated like a child, going through that once as a human was enough, but now it seems I’m going to have to go through it again as a pony too. Her stomach growled, begging her to just swallow her pride and eat the spoonful of delicious smelling soup. I really feel like crying... Chloe sniffled, holding back her tears before blowing on the steaming spoon of soup that was in front of her a few times before opening her mouth.
A bit tangy, creamy, sort of earthy tasting, but overall, it’s not... bad. Different, but not bad. Chloe thought as she swirled the soup around in her mouth before swallowing it down. It’s no chicken noodle soup, that’s for sure. But hey, right now I don't care; I’m hungry enough to eat a horse! She looked over to the mare that was in the process of getting another spoonful of soup for her and shuddered. Okay, BAD analogy!
“I hope you like it,” the unicorn said to herself more than to the filly. “Are you ready for more?”
The spoon was floating over the bowl for longer than Chloe had liked as she reached a forearm out to bring it closer.
“I’ll take that as a yes then.” Heartsong chuckled, floating the spoon back over to the waiting filly.
This process continued until the soup was almost gone. Chloe was starting to get quite full and waved off the next spoonful. A loud burp came from the filly as she quickly raised a hoof to her mouth.
“Excuse me,” she said, a red blush appearing on her cheeks.
Heartsong just laughed, placing the spoon back into the bowl and grabbing the cloth towel and using the clean side to wipe the small amount of soup that was left around the filly’s mouth. Chloe had thought about resisting the unicorn when she brought the cloth to her face, but instead resigned to the fact that her new hands were still useless to her, and she had already lost most, if not all, of her dignity at this point anyways.
You know what? This isn’t really all that bad, I don’t have to do anything for myself. I can just treat this like a vacation with my own personal servant. She giggled at the thought, causing the mare to look at her funny.
“What’s got you in such a good mood all of a sudden?” Nurse Heartsong asked as she moved the near empty soup bowl from the table back onto the cart. “I take it that you feel better now with a full belly?”
Chloe ignored her question, not being able to understand the mare anyway and reached for the glass of water that was still resting in front of her. She made sure that the unicorn was watching her as she grinned. She went to grab the full glass of water, purposely almost knocking it over before turning to the mare, and giving her the most pathetic look she could muster, which being a filly was pretty damn heart attack inducing.
“I take it you’re thirsty now,” she spoke, giving a slight sigh and floating the glass over to the filly. “You know, you are old enough to be doing these things yourself. I don’t know where you came from but a five or six year old filly should have no issues at all picking things up with their hooves, especially an earth pony.”
HA! It worked... Although she doesn’t look too thrilled to be doing this. Chloe felt sort of bad for what she was doing. I really should learn how to use my new hands properly. I don't want to have to rely on someone else forever. But why brain? Why can’t you let me enjoy myself for a little while without giving me a guilt trip..? It’s because you’re better than this, that’s why, and you know it.
Chloe sighed and reached out for the floating glass, much to the unicorn’s surprise. She fumbling around with both hooves, trying to get a firm grasp on the smooth glass. It took her a few tries but she finally got a good hold on it, the light blue aura disappeared from around the glass as she slowly brought it to her muzzle and started to drink.
Why can’t the water in Chicago taste like this?
“Ahh, that water was awesome!” Chloe exclaimed after finishing the whole glass in one go. She held the now empty glass to the mare.
“My, my! I guess you really were thirsty,” Heartsong chuckled, taking the glass in her magic aura and setting it back down on the cart. “I have to go check up on the other patients, but I’ll bring you another glass of water in a little while. I’ll leave the crackers and muffin here for you,” she said as she started moving towards the door.
“Thank you for feeding me.” Chloe put her hooves together in front of her and bowing her head, hoping the mare would pick up on the gesture.
“I’m not sure what you said, dear but.” She smiled as she saw what the grey earth filly was doing before ruffling Chloe’s mane with her hoof. “You’re welcome, sugar.”
Chloe looked up at the unicorn with a smile on her face; it seemed the nurse had understood her.
“I have to get a move on now, other ponies are waiting on me,” Heartsong said, turning back to the cart and giving a quick wave goodbye before disappearing through the doorway. A second later, Chloe cringed as she heard the all too familiar *thud* of the door, to her temporary cell, closing. She was all alone again.
Yay she is getting better at talking.
2966111 Your speech skill has improved to 2! (+1)
Adorable
She REALLY needs to learn to use her hooves.
i just thought of what would she do when it came to stairs i bet it would be dangerous for her going up try to not trip up then the down part dangerous.... hey are ponies paranoid? i can understand with the timber wolf, evil snake chickens, changelings, diamond dogs and a whole lot of dangerous things in equastria from creature and magic cant say i blame them o by the way check the new comic series i found online i just got to share my find with you! i think you like it~!
I really like how consistent you are with the whole language thing.
2969218
I think Chloe would be going right back to the hospital if she tried to ascend/descend a flight of stairs right now.
As for ponies being paranoid, hmm. I don't think most of them would be given the relatively carefree life most of them seem to enjoy. But I could see a few of them being paranoid, especially Fluttershy
I have all the IDW MLP comics so far and I love them! The storyline, artwork and the amount of cameos they throw in there is simple amazing!
2967144
Give her time, she has only been trying to use them to pick up things a few times now and I can't imagine it would be easy after having hands for so long.
2969799
I do my best!
On another note, I see you posing in a lot of other stories so I'm going to assume you read quite a bit. Since this, as you are probably aware, is my first attempt at writing a story. Are you (and anyone else that is reading this) enjoying it so far? Am I doing anything wrong/right? Is it too plain/boring? Too exciting? (doubt that one ) Do you like anything else about the story besides the language barrier so far?
Sorry if I'm asking a lot from you guys but I am trying to improve myself and just curious about what your opinions are.
And thanks again everyone for your comments! I love hearing from you guys!
2970134
Oh yes, I love reading fics (although I've been awfully busy this week...), and there are reasons I get excited when I see you update this one.
So, I'll be honest, there isn't a whole lot of ground left to tread when it comes to HiE fics, especially ponification ones. This, however, does not change the fact that I never tire of reading them, because while the concept remains the same, authors differ in their execution; the destination is typically the same: they stay, they go, and they remain pony, or they turn human, but it's the bits in between that matter to me the most. For example, what I find the most interesting about your fic is the language barrier, although several have already done this (Arrow 18 Mission Logs, Over the Forest and Through the Wood, and A Voice Among Strangers just to name a few), it's the way it all comes together: your pacing, the way you decide to handle how we can understand what other ponies are but Chloe can't (I'm surprisingly not confused by this) and the fact that she's a foal now, it creates a variance on how all of these problems have been handled individually by combining them, leading to different circumstances and that's not even taking into account the fact that you are using different characters. It's how I don't get bored with ponification HiEs despite the fact that they've been done to death, because I actually care about the subtle differences.
Another thing that I like is the pacing, you're doing it right. "Interesting" doesn't have to be a fast-paced, save-the-world style of story, there doesn't have to be any grand destiny or powerful figures putting special attention to this one "unique" individual for some reason; so far it seems like it's just an accident, purely be chance, and now she has to figure out what to do from there, and I find that a lot more interesting. But I digress, I like how believable the problems she's facing are and how she deals with them; it's taken five chapters for her to be capable of even saying something barely understandable in English. I like how the last three chapters have been basically her stuck at a clinic, the ponies in there taking an agonizingly slow, but completely expected amount of time to figure out that she can't understand them and that she's...being difficult, because she doesn't like being treated like a child, despite the logical, pragmatic thing to do just being accepting that fact and making use of your resources.
She's a person, she acts exactly like how I'd expect someone in her position to. Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I want to get bored by being given things I expect all the time, it's just that I find it so much more fun if I'm deceived by thinking that something is..."safe", then finding it to act unexpectedly. If she already does unexpected things at the start, like, say dealing with all of this jarring crap and enormous amount of stress with ease, and come out looking cool-as-a-cucumber and ready to face her problems head on, then I'm already in the mindset of "expecting the unexpected". Normal people are not that prepared.
All in all, I mostly only have things to say what I like about your fic, the only things I can say that I genuinely don't like so far are nitpick-y things, like how I despise all caps, but you use that rather infrequently.
Ask 2973042 to give your story a review and damn, do they ever!
First off I would like to say, thank you very much for taking the time to think about and write all of that out. It has definitely given me a lot to think about and reflect on.
I did try to come up with an original take on the HiE genre but to be honest, I didn't think about it all that much before I started writing. I just came up with a very rough outline and the story has taken a life of its own from there.
I did know that I wanted to write a story that just chronicled the life of a non brony female who had her whole life turned upside down by being sent into Equestria. I also set out to make it as realistic as possible as most HiE stories I have read seem to have the protagonist become god-like or the best thing ever that has happened in Equestria.
I am a detailed oriented person so that's how I am writing this story and I guess that plays into the pacing also. I want to try and paint a vivid picture of what was going on but I had concerns that it was going to be too boring for people to enjoy. That is mostly why I asked for yours and everyone's opinion. I didn't want to continue writing if no one was going to enjoy it. Being a first time writer, I have a pretty low opinion of my own writing, so I am glad to hear that at least some people are enjoying it.
On another note, I do have quite a few plot twists in mind that I think the readers will be surprised with and no one has guessed any of them yet. I do plan on tying this story into the canon version of the show but that will come much later on and I expect that Orchestrated Chaos will be well over 100k words by the time I'm done. I also have a rough draft for a sequel in mind.
Just out of curiosity, besides all caps, what are the other nitpick-y things that you don't like?
Thanks again for the brain food to munch on and reassuring me that people are actually enjoying my humble story. Look for another update in a few days, I will be starting to write on chapter 7 tonight. And one last thing, I have actual chapter titles that I will be adding soon, so no more generic Chapter n titles! Woo~
Well, does English even exist in Equestria?
2966125 Your speech skill must be 50 for you to learn a new language!