Nightmare or Reality? (Now Edited thanks to Neko Majin C)
Chapter 1
“But, Wendy I…” Dipper reached out his hand to touch Wendy, only for to be smacked it down.
“You really thought that I could ever love a twerp like you?” Asked Wendy. Disgust made itself evident on her face,“I never want to see you again, Dipper Pines!”
Her words echoed in his head as Dipper stood there unable to speak, unable to move his legs. He stood there as the one girl who he had hid his true feelings from for so long, shattered his heart into a million pieces. Dipper looked down as the tears began to pour down his face.
Dipper felt a hand be gently placed upon his shoulder.
“Dipper?”
He raised his head to meet Wendy's eyes, as small shimmer of hope was suddenly rekindled inside of him.
But what he saw wasn't Wendy.
Towering over him was a creature like nothing he had ever seen. As Dipper stood horrified at what had manifested in front of him, the creature stared right back at him with its crimson eyes. A crooked smile began to form on the creature's muzzle, giving Dipper a good view of a tooth protruding from its upper jaw.
The creature then bent its neck downwards, reaching eye level with Dipper. He looked back at the creature, unable to close his eyes or look away for a single moment.Then...it began to laugh. A deep laugh that echoed in his mind and only got louder, and louder, and louder and-
“AH!” Dipper shot up in his bed drenched in a cold sweat, gasping for air. “It was only a dream.” He told himself as he wiped the sweat from his brow and gave an exhausted smile.
It was still dark outside the cabin window, yet birds could be heard chirping outside.
He gave an irritated groan as he plopped back onto his bed. “Well, no use trying to get back to sleep now.”
Dipper glanced over to the other side of the room to his twin sister Mabel. Realizing how much noise he had been making, he hoped that she hadn't been woken in the process.
Luckily, it looked like his outburst hadn't hindered his sisters's sleep. She lay face down on her bed, her mouth wide open, showing off her braces. Her arm was clenched around her beloved pig, Waddles. Somehow the pig had managed to sneak his way under the covers of his sister's bed and was sleeping soundly next to her (with the exception of the occasional kick).
Dipper gave a smile at the sight of the two and turned his head to the ceiling as he tried to recollect his dream.
“I never want to see you again, Dipper Pines!”
Dipper continued to replay the sentence in his head. He knew it had only been a dream, but it hurt nonetheless. It had only been a few weeks since Wendy had started going out with Robbie.
Dipper sneered at the very thought of him, how Wendy could fall for such a looser was beyond him. But the fact was Wendy had chosen to be with Robbie, and Dipper was left with a broken heart.
Dipper violently shook his head back and forth. Attempting to dismiss the thought from his mind. Instead he tried to recall more factors of his strange dream.
He faintly remembered something else. Squinting his eyes, he tried to bring back the dream, as he did, fuzzy images began to come back into focus. Slowly, the thing that had entered his dream started to take form.
The creature was indeed a mismatch of different parts: Its tail was covered in red scales. At the very tip sprouted a tuft of white fur. It stood on two different legs, one that was hoofed, and another that was clawed and covered with green scales. The creature was sporting a lion paw and an eagle's claw for front legs. Two different wings rested on it's back, one that was transparent and looked like it had been torn from a bat and the other was covered in a layer of blue feathers. There was what looked like two different protrusions coming out of its head-one that looked like a deer antler, and the other a blue goat horn.
Dipper paused in his thought process as he recollected what had truly scared him awake.
Its eyes.
Dipper shuttered at the very thought of them. There was just something about them that made him feel…uneasy. Not that the rest of the creature was pretty to look at either. But it was the eyes that had a touch of utter delight and pure insanity, that represented the cherry on top of a creature who's appearance was beyond belief to begin with.
Dipper flipped on his light and grabbed a book from under his pillow.
He stared at it momentarily, the book that he had found by chance in a secret compartment in the woods, had helped him many times during his strange adventures. Perhaps it could be of assistance once more.
He cracked open the book and started flipping through the pages.
“Ghost, no. Gremlin, no. Lawn gnome, no. Rainicorn, no.”
Dipper gave a frustrated groan. “Come on, there's gotta be something in here.”
As he franticlly searched through the book, Dipper felt something lightly brush the top of his head. He reached up and grabbed the mysterious item. To his dismay, it was a page from the book. It had the same texture and worn out look as the other pages in the book, but looked like it had been torn out. Being that the side Dipper had turned to him was blank, he flipped the page over.
Doing so caused his eyes to widened in a mixture of satisfaction and fear at the sight of what lie on the opposite side.
On the page was the very creature that had haunted his dreams. The picture depicted the monster with a very small grin whilst his arms rested behind his head and his legs crossed. He seemed to be relaxing on a pink cloud that was raining some sort a brown liquid upon some very distraught citizens.
“You know, I must say that picture really does capture my essence quite well, if I do say so myself.”
“AHHHHGH!”
Dipper screamed. Flying out of his bed, the young boy found the wall and pressed his back to it. His heart raced as he scanned the room frantically, looking for the source of the voice. But finding nothing but the room itself.
“Ughhhhhh, Dipper? What's going on?”
Dipper looked over to see a very groggy Mable sit up in bed and rub her eyes.
“Sorry Mable, I… saw a mouse and it really surprised me is all. Just go back to sleep, okay?”
Mabel yawned, lied back down, and wrapped her arms around Waddles.“Okay. But please try to keep it down.”
Dipper gave a sigh of relief, being a terrible liar Dipper felt lucky Mabel was in such a state to not ask questions.
Slowly,he made his way back to bed. He picked up the book slid it back under his pillow, and crawled back under the sheets. He was about to turn off his light when something caught his attention once more.
The page.
He slowly reached for it and put it to his face once more. He looked to the picture and above the image was a single word.
“Discord?” He said to himself in a hushed tone.
As he predicted, Dipper failed in his attempts to go back to sleep that night. His exhaustion was announced most prominently when, at breakfast, he enjoyed a hearty bowl of pig feed and milk. Compliments of Grunkle Stan and Mabel, who snickered to one another and snickered in anticipation of his reaction. Unfortunately for the two tricksters, Dipper consumed his peculiar breakfast none the wiser. Frustrated at Dippers response (or lack of one), Stan got up from the table, grabbed his paper and headed to the bathroom. While Mabel on the other hand, looked to her brother with increased concern.
“Dipper, are you feeling okay?”
Dipper continued to eat his breakfast.
“Dipper, hey Dipper, earth to mister groggy froggy.” This time Mabel placed a hand on Dipper's shoulder and lightly shook him.
“WHAHUH?!”
Dipper shot up at the sudden sensation of his sister's touch, causing his breakfast to spill onto the floor, much to the delight of a patient Waddles. The pig eagerly gorged himself on the fallen mess as Dipper stared blankly at the pig. His knees were drawn up to his chest with his arms wrapped around his legs; his eyes were deathly bloodshot with bags hanging just under them.
“Alright bro-bro, what's going on with you?” Mabel asked. “What happened last night that's got your brains all smooshed up?”
Dipper looked over to Mabel and gave an exhausted sigh. “I'm fine Mabel; I thought I told you I just saw a mouse and got scared.”
Mabel shook her head. “Uh-uh, Dipper, my twin telepathy is going bonkers up in here.” Mabel put a finger on her forehead. “And it's tellin' me that there's something else making you act like this, and it isn't some silly mouse.”
Dipper remained unphased.
Mabel frowned. Once again, she reached out to her brother and placed her hand back on his back.
“Dipper, whatever's bugging you I'm sure we can fix it together.” She said as she cracked a smile. “We are the Mystery Twins, after all.”
Dipper gave a small smile. He knew that his sister was right, and if there was one person that could give him the help he needed, it was Mabel.
He turned his head to look at Mabel, only to see the grotesque sight of the creature's head stapled to his sister's body. Dipper quickly rubbed his eyes hoping to rid himself of the sight.
He opened his eyes, this time greeted by the very worried face of his sister. Dipper breathed a sigh of relief as he excused himself from the table.
“I’m going to take a walk in the woods. I think I just need to clear my head, alright?”
Mabel frowned as she gave a heavy sigh. “Alright, just be careful.”
Dipper nodded and made his way out the door. He stopped for a moment and turned around to face his sister.
“Hey, Mabel,”he said.
Mabel turned to look at him.“Yeah?”
“Thanks."
Mabel gave a big smile and waved a dismissive hand at him. “Any time, dipping sauce.”
It was still a little chilly out when Dipper left the Mystery Shack. He didn't know where he was going, but he just knew he had to get out of the house.
He hadn't walked far when he saw Wendy from a distance. His mouth became an instant smile as he waved and called out to her.
“Hey, Wendy!” He shouted.
Wendy seemed to wave back, which caused Dippers heart to jump a little. He proceeded to walk over only to stop in his tracks. Unbeknownst to Dipper, Robbie had been leaning against the other side of the cabin out of Dippers direct line of sight. Robbie walked up to Wendy and they greeted each other with a quick hug as Wendy continued her way to the gift shop entrance with her hand holding Robbie's.
Dipper's smile faded and his gaze wandered to the ground. He continued on his way, with disappointment and heart break as his traveling companions.
“ Dipper. Hey, Dipper!”
He looked up to see Wendy smiling down at him, Robbie was still holding her hand but trying as much as possible to avert eye contact with Dipper while he gave an annoyed look.
“Oh, hey Wendy, what's up?” Dipper asked with a weak smile.
“Eh, you know, same old same old. Dang, did you not get enough sleep last night or something? You're looking pretty messed up.”
Dipper gave her an awkward smile and rubbed the back of his neck.
“Yeah, last night I thought I saw a mouse run across my bed, and it kinda freaked me out a little, is all.”
Robbie snickered,“Pfft figures a twerp like you would get scared because of a little mouse.”
Wendy scowled at him and gave a quick elbow jab to his side. “Cut it out Robbie.” She said.
“Oof.” Robbie grabbed his side.
Wendy turned her attention back to Dipper, a comforting smile on her face. “ Hey don't sweat it Dipper, its nothing to be ashamed of. Tell you what, I'll have Soos set out some traps today, sound good?”
Dipper smiled. “I would say yes, but I think all we would catch is Soos.”
The two of them share a laugh.
“Alright, little dude, I’ll see you a later.”
“Yeah, see you later.”
Dipper stood there for a little longer and watched the two make their way through the front entrance. Before the two completely disappeared into the shack, Robbie turned his head and gave Dipper a menacing-death stare.
Dipper returned the stare as they finally disappeared behind the door. Dipper gave a small sigh and was about to make his way back into the house when he heard a hushed voice call out.
“Discord?”
Dipper froze in his tracks.
He gave a nervous laugh and attempted to blow it off as nothing. “It’s all in your head Dipper, you're tired and you're hearing things because of it.” He assured himself.
“Discord!?” He heard again.
He swallowed hard. “Okay, so not just hearing things.”
He contemplated running as fast as he could to the back door, but his curious nature got the better of him and he cautiously made his way towards the voice.
“Come on Dipper you can do this, you can do this.”
The voice seemed to be coming near the bottomless pit.As he edged closer the voice sounded feminine and started to have an irritated tone to it.
“Uhh, come on, we don't have time for this. Princess Celestia gave us a deadline and the longer we stay here the more likely we are to be discovered by the locals.”
Dipper creped ever closer, the only thing separating the source of the voice and himself was a small shrub. He lowered himself onto his stomach and tentatively parted the shrubs.
Standing next to the bottomless pit was what appeared to be a horse? Dipper gave a sigh of relief.
“Okay, odd, but not exactly bad.” He whispered.
Dipper watched the odd little horse scurry around, looking as if it had lost something. The more he watched the little horse, the less and less it looked like a regular horse.
The first thing he noticed about it was the color of its coat. A soft tone of purple fur covered its entire body. Its mane was a dark shade of purple with a violet stripe going through it, and on its rear was some sort of...star tattoo? He continued to scan the horse and noticed that neatly tucked into its side were two feathery wings. “Okay, so its a purple Pegasus.” he muttered. As the little horse came closer to where Dipper was hiding, he saw something sticking from its forehead:a horn. “Alright so scratch that, a purple, Pegasus, Unicorn? A Pegicorn. Mabel would love this.”
“Ah, crab apples!” The little horse muttered.
"Did that horse just talk?" He thought to himself as his jaw fully dropped; his eyes were glued in a state of shock and amazement. Feeling satisfied with his findings ,and a little uneasy, he slowly rose and turned to make his way back from where he came.
He turned around and started walking. He'd only taken two steps, when an unknown force caused him to trip, landing flat on his face. He looked around to see what had caused his sudden reintroduction to the ground.
“A pineapple?” Dipper muttered. He picked up the fruit and inspected it, spinning the object around in his hands.
“How in the world-” Dipper was suddenly cut off by a sharp “Shhhh.”
Dipper jumped, he looked around to find the origin of sound only to find empty forest.
“Would you keep it down, for Celestias sake, you're going to give us away.”
Dipper reluctantly looked back to the fruit and found that it was now glaring at him with two frustrated eyes looking back at him.
Dipper screamed and fumbled the fruit.
“Aha, found you!”
Dipper found himself surrounded by a purple aura as his feet were slowly lifted off the ground. He was being pulled into the clearing and brought in front of the horse-like creature.
“Alright, now that your silly game is over, we can finally get down to busi-”
The horse's eyes widened and its jaw dropped as it suddenly became aware of Dippers presence. The two were in a mutual state of shock and terror as they looked at one another.
“Oh no..”
Alright people this is my first fan fiction ever. Let me know what you guys think I need the input.
A Huuuge thanks to Neko Majin C for his mad editing chops. I had no idea just how bad my earlier writing sucked.
Stats
Page generated in 0.047 seconds
Total duration
969 users online
1,529,567 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Good story so far.
I'm keeping an eye on this one
a mlp and gravity falls cross over?
GIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMEGIMMEGIMME!!!!!
Like it so far, although I really would have liked to see the ponies' perspective/ introduction.
I really want to see Twilight (or some other pony) mistake Dipper's Little Dipper birthmark as a cutie mark.
LOL. Adventure Time reference!
if you need it, i'd be willing to help with any mistakes you might make!
(i spotted a few in this chapter)
Good start. I like what i've read so far.
2631323
Your wish is my command! I have made a solemn pledge not to post a chapter until I have finished the one preceding it
. Each chapter takes me a week to finish so I hope to see you and everyone els back here next Saturday 
Yours Truly Thecakedevil
You did Robbie's personality perfectly. Also this would have to take place before the episode where *spoiler* Robbie tried to mind control Wendy with a cd and she broke up with him.
There are a few minor issues with punctuation, and I can tell that you're making good use of spell checker. However, that can lead to errors like this:
Ha ha ha ohhhhh nooooo!
THAT'LL wake you up! This is why it's nice to find a pre-reader or two, particularly if they're sharp-eyed for errors like that. Don't be ashamed or anything, pre-readers aren't crutches, they're wheels.
You're actually doing pretty well, besides niggly little technical errors. If I could give all fan-fic writers advice, it would be these:
1. Avoid Clichés. Amanda shouldn't release breath that she didn't know she was holding while rosy fingers of dawn blech. You're doing pretty well here. Keep it up, and remember that original prose should be, well, original.
2. Show, Don't Tell. "Frieda rounded the corner and saw the murderer with his cleaver." Informative, but not very engaging. "Frieda rounded the corner, but stopped as she saw the man from the news, white apron, blue jeans, speckled and streaked with blood. He held a big, flat butcher's knife in his hand like it was a beer can." Okay, I'm not a writer, and that second example isn't that good, but it's more illustrative, which is more interesting. Which gave you a better understanding of the action. This is where a lot of the artistry in prose comes in. With the right phrase, you can make the audience see stuff in their mind, whether they want to or not.
3. Research If Need Be. Be informed about the details before you write. I don't mean you should present a research paper, I mean that if you're going to have a story set on a submarine, you'd better have the characters using the terminology and they shouldn't be doing the impossible. Unless they do, but it's still better that you know why it's impossible. The reason I put this in my top three for FIMF is because I find myself saying things like "horses can can and do eat grass," "an assault rifle's clip is too small to chew down a four-foot wide marble pillar," and "Twilight has parents." Yeah, LOL FIMF, but still. Wikipedia sets the barrier pretty low on a lot of this stuff. I'm sure that you know the two things relevant to this story, that is to say FIM and Gravity Falls. Keep this in mind for future writing, though.
Finally, the most important thing, the thing that I say over and over again until everyone blocks me because of it. Be aware of why you're writing. What do you want your audience to take away from your work? Do you have something to say? Even a crossover fic written entirely to entertain is going to have some themes, and it's up to the writer to take ownership and responsibility for them. Narrative is powerful. It can change people, their beliefs, and how they think.
Alright, I'm done being an alicorn princess up in here. I hope you found something useful in this diatribe!
2636308
Dear Darkmatterbutterflies.
I am far more grateful for your input then you may believe.
But I would really like to address your last question to really make my message clear to all who read this.
I'm not hoping to become some sort of big time author on here (don't get me wrong that would be neat
). My reason for writing this is to get the cogs turning for this type of crossover. Gravity Falls and My little Pony :Friendship is Magic are two shows that are adored by young and old and I simply can't get enough of them. But as I have discovered this crossover idea is very much dead on this site . As I stated previously by adding this my intentions are to get the ball rolling on this idea, and my over all goal is to perhaps help spawn another story of the same idea.
I hope this is explanation enough and I look forward for writing for you folks.
Yours Truly thecakedevil.
2640748 D'aww, call me Dark Butt. Everyone else does!
Crossover fics these days tend to be with anime and video games. Just the other day there were TWO Team Fortress 2 crossover fics on the top trending list at the same time. Fallout Equestria is a pretty big deal (that I don't care about). What makes THIS cross-over special is that it isn't thematically clashing. I'm surprised there's not a ton of Adventure Time crossovers, for that matter.
Man, you were right, bro. This is SO AWESOME!
2820890 I'm agree with him!!! Oh and... MOAR!!!!!!
So, you asked for a review? I don't see much problems in here, except for some lack of comma, like in the first sentence.
Placing a comma indicates the readers to stop for a moment, plus, it connects to independent clauses, if there's a conjuction before the second clause; in this case, the word but is the conjuction.
Well, I don't watch Gravity Falls, due to not having a cable in our house... darn it. But i did a small research about their characters, before diving on this one. Basing on what little I know about Wendy, you got her character correctly, but a bit harsh; I don't mind, 'cause Dipper was just dreaming anyways.
Here's a comma splice. What's a comma splice, and how to fix it? Well, there are two independent clauses above, joined together by a comma. To fix the problem, just replace the comma after "his legs" with a semi-colon, or a period.
Another comma splice.
Also this, but be careful on this one, and replace the comma after "crimson eyes".
Place a comma on this one. Oh, and if you're having a hard time on where to place comma, try reading a sentence aloud; it'll help you.
Comma.
Well, as far as I can see, there're no problems in your story, other than comma splices, and the dire need for some commas. If you have any problems with my review, just tell me.
This is pretty good (just read this chapter so give me a bit to catch up). There are a few grammar issues but not enough to be a bother. Heck not even enough for me to bother going back and finding them. Typos happen. Again, I'm not an expert on Gravity Falls but this seems like they are in character (I haven't seen enough of the ponies yet to judge). All in all, pretty good. Eventually, I shall keep reading.
This story is amazing but has lots of grammar errors like my stories!
You might want an editor
Hey there! My name's FloydienSlip, and I'm your WRITE reviewer! Let's get started, shall we?
Important Note: I know next to nothing about Gravity Falls, only that it's a cartoon with a pretty good art style. If, by chance, I misunderstand some of the scenes, it's because I don't watch the show.
Note that this review is based off of the first three chapters of your story.
First impressions weren't really applicable, seeing as I don't watch the show and all. I do like that you included some of the backstory as to how Twilight and Discord ended up where Dipper is, as well as adding the Sombra backstory.
I guess the main issue I have with it is that, three chapters in, almost nothing has happened. I saw the Author's Note at the bottom of Chapter 3, and while it's a relief to me that the story can finally begin, the fact that it hadn't prior to that is not good. What you generally want to do is to implement your backstory piece by piece, rather than having a full chapter dedicated to it. Things like past events and such can easily be used in a character's dialogue.
For example, say an event takes place in the story that's similar to an event previously experienced by another character, also a main part of the plot. Said character could then mention how similar the current event is to the past one, leading other characters to ask about the past event, and then you can reveal parts of the backstory without making it a whole bunch of information at once.
Besides this, you do a good job at integrating what I can only assume to be accurately the show you're crossing over with. There's a good mix of both pony and Gravity Falls in the first few chapters, which can be a tricky thing to pull off.
Also, I highly recommend getting a proofreader. There are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes, most having to do with comma use. It was really distracting while I was reading, but the good news is that, with a good proofreader, it's a pretty quick fix.
So, to summarize: Good integration. Pacing needs work, as it's too slow as it stands. Backstory needs to be spread out. A proofreader is needed.
For a first story, this isn't that bad, but you do need to put the time and effort in to improve it. Hopefully you have, by later chapters.
Never stop writing.
- FloydienSlip, WRITE's analytical audiophile
Interesting start so far. I'll fave and try to read more later.
You know what you reminded me of?
You reminded me that there was an episode of Gravity Falls earlier that I did not watch.
...
Bah... This story can come first. It's always nice to see a wonderful Gravity Falls Crossover!
Chapter one: Nightmare or Reality?:
First sentence and there are already mistakes. This is not promising. There should be commas after "but" and after "Wendy." Also the emboldened “it” is superfluous.
1.) “Asked.”
2.) This comma should be a period.
3.) There should be a comma between "again" and "Dipper."
1.) This is possessive, so it should be apostrophe s.
2.) Missing comma.
3.) "Protruding."
We use semicolons everyday. But not in this case. This should be a colon. Do not take an example from the Lonely Island.
Dipper woke up and it is dark outside. From this context, we can tell that it is early morning. Also, you should spell the numbers out. This should be "three o'clock."
Missing comma.
He will wake her up if he hops. "Hoped."
Oh, boy. Grammar Dalek Mode: AC-TI-VATE!!
1.) This is superfluous.
2AB.) These should be lowercase and should end in apostrophe s.
3.) How can you see her mouth if she is lying face down?
4ABC.) Missing commas. I should be more clear on 4A. The comma should go between "open" and "showing."
Missing comma.
"Nonetheless" is one word.
This comma should be a semicolon.
The period is too far away.
1ABC.) Missing commas.
2.) The comma should be a period and “as” should be capitalized.
3AB.) Extra space.
4.) “Back into focus”.
1AB.) I - T - apostrophe s is always “it is”. The apostrophes in these cases are superfluous.
2.) There should be an “an” before this word. Also, this is possessive, it should end in apostrophe s. Or keep with the continuity of the paragraph and remove the s altogether. Either way, you will still need the “an.”
3.) Extra space.
4.) Missing comma.
5.) You mean like a bluebird? Or a Blue Jay?
6.) This is superfluous.
7.) Missing space.
8.) “Deer.” Unless he does regard the antler with deep affection.
"Shuddered."
Missing comma.
1.) "Frantically."
2AB.) Missing commas.
"To widen."
1.) Missing comma.
2AB.) It is spelled "okay."
1.) Missing comma and extra space.
2.) Misplaced comma.
3.) Missing space.
1.) This needs a comma on either side of it.
2.) "Giggled."
1.) Just "while."
2.) Missing comma.
"Okay."
Missing apostrophe.
"Of."
"Bloodshot" is one word.
Missing period.
1.) Missing period or comma.
2.) “Finger.” Unless you meant an action figure.
3.) When you remove a letter from the end or beginning of a word, you replace said letter with an apostrophe.
4.) Missing comma.
Missing comma.
Missing comma.
1AB.) Missing possessive apostrophes.
2.) Superfluous s.
3.) "Hoping."
"Sister" should be lowercase and there should be commas between "Hey" and "Mabel" and "Mabel" and "he."
1.) Period should be inside the quotation mark.
2.) Missing comma.
Missing comma.
There should be a comma between "Hey" and "Wendy." If he is shouting, show it with an exclamation point, because the period after "Wendy" should not be a period.
1ABC.) Extra spaces.
2.) Missing comma.
1ABCDEF.) You need commas between "oh" and "hey," "hey" and "Wendy," "Wendy and "what's," "eh" and "you," "know" and "same," and "old" and "same."
2.) "Asked."
3.) The comma should be a question mark and "you're" should be capitalized.
1AB.) Missing commas.
2.) This period should be a comma.
1.) Extra space.
2ABCD.) Missing commas.
3.) Missing comma and this "its" should be "it's."
4.) The comma should be a period and "tell" should be capitalized.
Missing commas from between "alright" and "little," "dude" and "I'll," and "yeah" and "see."
"You're" and that period should be a comma.
There seems to be a sentence missing between these.
"Okay," and there should be a comma between "okay" and "so."
1.) This needs a comma on either side of it.
2.) The comma should be a period and "as" should be capitalized.
"Okay," and you need a comma between "odd" and "but."
1.) Comma should be a period, "a" should be capitalized.
2.) The comma is in the wrong position, it should be a period, and "its" should be capitalized.
3.) The comma is misplaced and it should be an ellipses (...).
4ABC.) Extra spaces.
5.) "Okay" and you need a comma between, "okay" and "so."
6.) Comma should be a colon (:).
7.) Comma should be a period.
1.) Usually, to separate external dialogue from internal monologue, thoughts are italicized. Not written in quotes.
2.) Extra space.
3ABC.) Missing commas.
4.) Comma should be a period and "he" should be capitalized.
5.) This is superfluous.
An ellipses is usually used when someone trails off. If he was cut off, you should use a hyphen (-).
Missing comma.
1.) "Horse" should be lowercase and "horse-like" should be hyphenated.
2AB.) Missing commas.
3.) This is possessive, so it should in apostrophe s.
The ellipses needs one more period.
I have never watched Gravity Falls, so I know nothing about it. Like at all. I have no idea whether or not the characters are out of character. Or even how in character the characters are. Therefore, I cannot tell if this is a good story, at least not from the first chapter. However, at the moment, I do not have the time to continue on to the next chapter.
~KBO.
I AM GOING TO CALL ALIX HERSH TO MAKE THIS AN EPISODE
5200122 That's my username!!
Well, I don't know what it looked like before, but it's looking good so far.